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January
8, 2008 Transcript Alexis: If I knew we were going to drive 400 miles to Philadelphia -- do you even see that block of ice right there? Diane: Yes, I see it, I see it. [Tires screech] Alexis: Do you mind? My back is already killing me. Diane: It's because you don't have a good core workout regimen to keep you limber. Alexis: I have two children -- they keep me limber. Diane: You obviously need some serious relaxation techniques to avoid those stressors. Alexis: There's a curve up there. Diane: I see the curve. Alexis: You're going so fast, I don't know how you see the curve. The only thing that's stressing me out is your driving. Diane: Okay, someone needs to stop complaining right now. You are the reason we got thrown off that plane. Alexis: No, the reason we got thrown off that plane is because I was defending your rights as an airline passenger. Diane: Which, by the way, is the only reason that I took pity on you when this was the last luxury sedan in the rental lot. That, and the fact that I want to make sure you're at that ceremony to see me take -- Alexis: Slow down. Could you slow -- could you please slow down? I can't see the roads, and we need to find the road to get us back onto the highway -- that you got us off on and that we shouldn't have gotten off -- Diane: There was an accident, and I wasn't going to waste time. Alexis: Like we're wasting time right now? Diane: I have the navigational sense of a compass, missy. Alexis: Right. Diane: I am not about to miss that awards ceremony. Alexis: Did you ever think that they just put you on that list to round out the program and make it fair? Diane: No, that would be Carol Wingate. Alexis: Oh, God, I hate her. [Diane chuckles] Alexis: She's an insufferable ambulance chaser. Diane: Oh, no, no, no, you didn't hear? Alexis: No. What? Diane: Strictly a divorce attorney. Alexis: No. No! Diane: The woman could not litigate her way out of a paper bag. Alexis: Well, we agree on that. Diane: At least we know she won't be winning tonight. Alexis: Hmm. Maybe it won't be such a bad night after all. [Alexis giggles] [Tire blows out] Alexis: Ah! Diane: Oh! Oh! [Tires screech] Alexis: What now? Diane: It's a blown tire. Alexis: I can see that, Diane. If you had done what I asked you to do and driven slowly, this wouldn't have happened. Diane: The tire was obviously defective. The mechanic at my auto club will confirm it. Alexis: My mechanic would've said that you are a bad driver, that's what. Oh, my God, my battery is dead. Diane: Forget your battery -- we've got no cell service anyway, wherever we are. Where the hell are we? Alexis: Aren't you paying attention? Diane: How could I pay attention, Alexis, with your incessant yammering? If you had just navigated -- Alexis: So now what do we do? Diane: Now we change a tire! Alexis: We are going to change the tire? Diane: Okay, that suggests to me that you have never changed a tire before. Alexis: Yeah, I've changed tires before. I just don't want to get dirty. Diane: "I don't want to get dirty." Alexis: Besides, you're the responsible party -- [Car chirps] Alexis: You were the one that was driving. Diane: I didn't hit anything. Alexis: Just do something, will you, because I'm freezing. [Car chirps] Diane: Okay, the first thing we have to do is pop the trunk. [Car chirps] Alexis: There. Diane: Oh. Good. All right, now, we just need the spare tire -- Alexis: And the appropriate tools. Diane: Right. Alexis: Now, they should be in there somewhere. Diane: Yes, they should. Alexis: Why aren't they there? Diane: I don't know. Alexis: This sucks. Don't touch me. Diane: I just -- I just tripped. Stop it. Alexis: Stop it. Diane: Stop it. Alexis: Hurry up. Diane: I'm going to kill you. Alexis: Okay, ow! Now, you -- would you pick this up and get the directions out from under there, please? Thank you very much. Diane: There. Fine. There you go. Alexis: Now, it says you're supposed to lift up the car slightly so the tire's a little off the ground. Diane: Okay, that's your job. I just brought the tire over. Alexis: And if I hadn't read the owner's manual, there would be no tire. Come on, Diane, you're the one who claims to like to operate heavy machinery. Surely you can probably pick the car up on your own. Diane: Fine, fine, fine. You know what? Let's see you do it. Alexis: Fine, I'll do it! Okay, watch this. Diane: You are doing this deliberately. Alexis: This is the legal speed limit. Diane: Five miles an hour below the speed limit. Alexis: Adjusted to the current road conditions -- there happens to be black ice all over the road. Diane: You just don't want to see me make that ceremony. You just want to rob me of my moment. Alexis: I'm not that vindictive, Diane -- Diane: Oh -- Alexis: Or that petty. Besides, I have the best incentive that I need to get us there on time and in one piece -- so that I can collect my award. Diane: You obviously don't think you're going to win. Alexis: Sure I do. I just don't have to keep saying it over and over again. Diane: Otherwise, you wouldn't be slowing down even more. Alexis: I'm not going slowly; I'm going the speed limit. [Car sputters] Diane: Check the speedometer. Alexis: Check the gas gauge. [Car stops] Diane: You're out of gas! Alexis: I'm out of gas? You're the one who put the car in your name. Diane: What kind of a person doesn't bother to check the gas gauge when they're driving? Alexis: If you had bothered to check the gas gauge -- Diane: Why should I check the gas gauge? You were the one driving for the last 80 miles -- or should I say "crawling"? Alexis: Driving at reduced speed saves fuel. If it weren't for your lead foot, we would've made it to the gas station. Tell that to your mechanic. Diane: Well, you can just forget the mechanic because we still have no cell service out here in the middle of nowhere. Alexis: There is no "middle of nowhere" between New York and Philadelphia, Diane. There's no countryside left. Even the deer are practically eating each other. Surely there's a strip mall somewhere. Diane: Look. Look -- I see a light right over there. Alexis: Good. Let's go. Diane: Not without my Neela Llorente. Alexis: Oh, we don't have time for the damn dress, Diane. Diane: I am not going to be the one to tell Kate Howard that the dresses we borrowed were stolen -- probably to be worn at some canned cheese and venison tailgate party. Alexis: Good point. Diane: What's that for -- bears? Alexis: Tailgate people. Diane: Good point. All right, let me have it, I can defend myself. Alexis: So can I. Diane: I once dropped a 200-pound skinhead on PCP! Alexis: This is going to be an expensive trip. Diane: Well, we're certainly not going to tell the rental company that I -- that we did that. Alexis: We're going to lie? Diane: Yeah. Alexis: Good idea. Let's go. This way. Diane: Oh -- Alexis: Go! Alexis: Oh -- Diane: I see a light in the distance. It can't be that far -- whatever it is. Alexis: A nice cottage, with a kind, elderly schoolmarm. Diane: Okay. See, now, I'm hoping for a cabin, built by its strapping, hunky, desperately lonely, possibly well-educated owner. Alexis: Maybe he's got a brother. Diane: Maybe they're both mute. Alexis: It's so much better when they don't talk. Diane: It's just possible that heaven awaits! [Rock music plays] Diane: You see? Tire iron was a good idea after all. Singer: It takes some time -
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