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January
7, 2008 Transcript Flight attendant: So you two were both nominated for the same fancy attorney award. Congratulations. Diane: Well, thank you. Alexis: Thank you. Diane: It's recognition long overdue. Alexis: Well, I appreciate you saying that. Diane: I was referring to myself. Although, Alexis, it's still an honor just to be nominated. Alexis: It's good that you feel that way. Diane: And there's always next year. Alexis: True. Flight attendant: But in the meantime, we won't be able to take off with your garment bags in your laps. They need to go up top. Diane: Oh. Well, I'm sure we can make room for mine right here while you squeeze yours into the overhead. I'm carrying an original Neela Llorente on loan from Kate Howard. Alexis: So am I. Ric: I'm not going to argue with you. Look, Molly's taking her nap, honey. Kristina: Molly's a baby. Ric: I know, but babies aren't the only people that take naps. Daddy Ric takes naps all the time. Kristina: Molly got to play with blocks! Ric: Okay, I know, and I know you want to go to the movies, but we've been through this a thousand times, sweetheart. Molly's too little to go to the movies, okay? She gets scared in there and it's dark. I mean, I have to watch both of you, so we are staying right here at home, okay? Kristina: My real daddy would take me. Ric: Well, your real daddy's not here right now. Sonny's a -- he's a busy man. Look, your mommy asked me to watch you. Can we try to make it fun, hmm? Can't you think of something that we can all do right here to have fun together, huh? Huh? Nah, she's nothing like her father. Diane: When did you talk to Ms. Howard? Alexis: Kate? Oh, this morning. Her assistant Clarice was going through the "Couture" model room when I called, so it was just a happy coincidence. Diane: "Happy"? Alexis: Yeah. It puts a new spin on attorney/client privilege. Diane: Are you still representing Ms. Howard -- Kate, Kate? Alexis: She likes me. Mint? Diane: No, thank you. She likes me, too, you know. Alexis: You think? Hmm. Diane: Ahem. Alexis: Off the record -- Diane: What? Alexis: All I'd have to do is file a motion, she sends me a new pair of shoes. I've got a whole closet full of them. Diane: Can I get a cocktail? Flight attendant: Once we take off. You know, is it possible for you ladies to place your garment bags up in the overhead like I asked? Thank you. Diane: Well, someone in the service industry got off on the wrong side of the food cart. Alexis: Yeah, I'll say. Diane: Look, Alexis, I hate to bring this up, but I get slightly claustrophobic on airplanes, so could you lean toward the window? Ahem. Alexis: I'm already closer than I want to be -- to the window. Heights. Diane: Oh. Oh. Well, maybe we -- we could switch. Alexis: You're kidding, right? Diane: Uh-uh, no. Both: Which way are you going? Alexis: I'm going -- Diane: Which way are you going? Alexis: Uh -- okay, just -- Diane: You know what? Alexis: Just go. Diane: Hey, ho, ho, ho! Alexis: Just fit in there. Get in your seat. Diane: Okay, okay, Alexis! Alexis: Drama out of everything. Let's go. Oh -- excuse me. Flight attendant: The sooner we are all in our seats, the sooner we can all make it to Philadelphia. Do you need assistance? Alexis: No, we're good. Just don't touch my stuff. Diane: Oh, stop it. Flight attendant: Do you need -- Diane: I just need a cocktail. Flight attendant: And, you know, those garment bags are yet to be properly stowed. Diane: Okay, now you're leaning toward the window. Alexis: I'm trying to stay out of the way of the aisle. They run their carts through there. I don't want to lose a hand. I'm going to need it to accept my award. Diane: I'd be happy to accept it for you -- hmm --- except I'm going to be the one winning. Flight attendant: You know, you two are really working my last nerve. Diane: Oh, I remember when airline travel was still special. Alexis: In the 1930s? Diane: I'm talking about the late 1960s when I was a child. Alexis: Huh! Diane: Oh, the giddy anticipation I would feel as a wee tot ready to defy gravity and land someplace exotic. Alexis: I don't think going to Philadelphia has ever been considered "exotic," Diane. Diane: I'm talking about the whole travel experience. You know, the planes were always filled with interesting people -- not every Tom, Dick, and Harry with a maxed-out credit card ready to head for the beach with a beer in their hand. Oh! The seats were roomier, there were cocktails. Dinner service. Now, they just toss a bag of dried crumbs at you like you're some starving squirrel. Well, I have my own way of dealing with today's airline travel. Alexis: What? Diane: Ahem. Diane: I will see no evil; you will hear no evil -- ahem. Alexis: What? Diane: And if we can both speak no evil, we'll be fine. Okay, you're on my side. Alexis: I'm sorry -- I can't hear you. Diane: You're on my side. Alexis: How do you know that I'm on your side? I'm not even touching you and you've got those blindfolds on. Diane: Sky mask. And I feel you encroaching into my space. Alexis: Oh, you're that sensitive to motion? Diane: I am. Alexis: Then how come you don't know that we haven't even taken off the ground yet? Diane: Can you give me one good reason why this plane is not in the air? Flight attendant: Like I said, you two have really worked my nerves, and I don't like my nerves worked on my flights, and I do not like people who can't manage to obey the rules, no matter how many times they have been laid out. Now, either take those garment bags and place them in the overhead bins, or ball them up and shove them in the seats in front of you. Diane: I beg your pardon. These are Neela Llorente originals! Flight attendant: I don't care if they're your Aunt Fanny's. Any questions? Alexis: I have one. I don't mean to be redundant, but you still have failed to answer the question as to why we're still on the ground. Flight attendant: We're too fat. Alexis: Sorry? Flight attendant: It's an expression we use. The plane's too heavy for us to safely take off. Diane: Well, exactly how overweight are we? Flight attendant: 200 pounds. Diane: 200 -- you mean that small amount of weight on this gigantic plane makes that difference? Alexis: That's ridiculous. Flight attendant: F.A.A. regulations. Alexis: Well, how long will it take to have this dealt with? Flight attendant: Until it's dealt with. Diane: Excuse me. Tempus fugit. Flight attendant: Pardon me? Diane: We have a destination. Alexis: Yes. Diane: We have a function. We are lawyers who have been -- Flight attendant: Who have been nominated for Llitigator of the Year. Alexis: Well -- Flight attendant: You know, I think everyone on this plane knows. So while your tempus fugits, maybe you can use it wisely and place those garment bags in the overhead bin. You know, I'm going to be the one needing a cocktail before this one's over. Diane: Okay, excuse me, but I need just a little bit -- Flight attendant: I'm going to make an announcement to all of the passengers as soon as I have more information, not just to the special nominees. Alexis: Just one minute. Diane: Certainly. Alexis: Correct me if I'm wrong, but this plane has been on the ground now, or parked at the gate for longer than we were supposed to be in the air. Flight attendant: I am aware of the delay. So what? Alexis: So, you have us packed in, cooped up in this sardine can with no food, no water, no source of entertainment, and that's an action that borders on -- Diane: Unlawful imprisonment. Alexis: Good. Diane: Thank you. Alexis: Then you tell us that you've taken on too much weight, because you have undoubtedly overbooked this plane, a problem that you will solve by dumping the luggage of some unfortunate soul onto the tarmac where you will inevitably lose it, because you always lose the luggage. Don't they? Diane: Mm-hmm, yep. Alexis: They'll probably end up in Cairo or Bangkok or something, and you won't care. Flight attendant: And what would you suggest I do? Alexis: First of all, I'd like you to get my friend a gin with anything and everything. Diane: And a twist. Alexis: Yeah. Then I want you to find a way to lighten this load, to service these poor customers, and get this damn plane to Philadelphia, even if you have to push it! Diane: Yes. See what happens when you make her mad? Brava. Not bad for first runner-up to litigator of the year. Pilot: Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. Diane: Oh. An ear witness. Pilot: How much do you two weigh? Diane and Alexis: What? Pilot: How much do you two weigh? Flight attendant: Oh, I'd say about 200 pounds. Pilot: Hmm. Will you both come with me, please? Diane: See what you did? Alexis: What I did? Diane: What you did. You had to open your mouth. Alexis: Open my mouth? Diane: "Oh, I'm not going to win, so I'm going to be mad. I'm just going to get mad." Alexis: You talk -- I can't believe you're saying this.
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