June 6, 2003 Transcript
"My Son Thinks I'm Gay"

Alexis: (As Dobson) I can assure you Ms. Davis has never paid me for anything, certainly not to spy.

Ned: Why would we believe one word you say, Dobson, when you got this job under false pretenses?

Skye: According to our research, you don't even exist.

Alexis: Of course I exist. "I think, therefore I am," as Descartes so profoundly put it. I do have a perfectly reasonable explanation for the discrepancy, if you would only allow me the opportunity to explain.

She pauses as Skye waits for an explanation. Alexis tries to come up with an answer and steps away from them facing the wall. .

I was a victim of identity theft - (she rolls her eyes and grimaces to herself) hounded by debts and liabilities not of my doing. I had no choice but to close all my records and start over, a clean slate, if you will.

Skye: Oh, please. You're a fake. Admit it.

Ned: The only reason why you're in this house is to feed Alexis information about Kristina.

The doorbell rings.

Skye: Oh, well, that must be Alexis now. (Alexis starts to look very anxious) She's a bit late, considering I left a message that Kristina had a fever, but Alexis is nothing if not erratic.

Alexis doesn't make a move and the doorbell rings again.

Ned: Dobson, maybe you should answer that.

Alexis still doesn't move.

Skye: Don't worry, Dobson, we're right behind you. I don't want to miss seeing that look on Alexis' face.

Alexis readies herself and then walks out to the foyer. She looks through the peep hole and then opens the door and Cameron walks in.

Alexis: Doctor.

Skye: Well, Dr. Lewis --

Alexis: (Interrupting and standing in front of Skye and Ned) I assume Ms. Davis couldn't be here and left a message for you that her daughter was ill.

(She looks intently at Cameron hoping he gets the message) How kind of you to act on her behalf. (She raises her eyebrows hopefully)

Cameron: Let me get this straight. Kristina does not have a fever? The two of you purposely left a false and inflammatory message for Alexis?

Ned: Kristina is not sick, but there is something definitely wrong with her present situation.

Skye: Namely, the fact that her lunatic mother hired Dobson to work as a butler and spy on the Quartermaine family.

Cameron: (He turns to Alexis) Dobson, do you have any idea how someone could have gotten that impression?

Alexis: Certainly not, sir. I have given impeccable service.

Skye: Oh, please. Dobson's "service" consists of listening at doors, except when he's hovering over Kristina, and lawyering for Alexis, demanding her rights and painting her as mother of the year. Oh, please, it's obvious. That man's a plant.

(Camera switches to the living room)

Zander walks in the French doors and hears his father speaking from the foyer. He approaches the door and listens in.

Cameron's voice: The only thing obvious to me is that the two of you are overreacting in the extreme.

(Camera switches back to the foyer)

Ned: I don't think so. None of Dobson's references check out. Either they're wholesale fantasies or the people in these families are no longer living.

Alexis: Yes, I -- I told them that I was a victim of identity theft.

Cameron: You can't hold Alexis responsible if the two of you hired a butler with sketchy credentials.

Skye: Oh, please. Yet more proof that Dobson is Alexis' spy. I mean, why else would her co-conspirator and chief apologist be defending him? Now, this -- this is an invasion of privacy, and it is against the law. I am telling you that -

Just then Zander walks in.

Zander: (Interrupting) Skye, you got it all wrong. My dad (clears his throat) isn't protecting Dobson for Alexis. He's dating him.

Cameron is speechless.

He turns to Alexis.

Cameron looks at Alexis angrily.

Zander: Oh, yeah. I came over the other night to see Emily. Saw it with my own eyes. He grabbed that butler and kissed him like there was no tomorrow.

Cameron shifts his weight uncomfortably as Alexis watches him out of the corner of her eye. Skye looks sickened by the idea.

Zander: So, you see, those two -- they -- they have something going, all right, but Alexis -- not in the picture.

Cameron: Alexander, there's a lot we need to talk about.

Zander: Yeah, you know, dad, forget it, you know? It's cool. You know, I have my own life, you have yours. I'm here to see Emily.

Ned: She's not here.

Zander: Well, she has to be. Nikolas was bringing her home from the hospital. She's not feeling well.

Ned: Well, they must have stopped along the way. And I'm sorry, ordinarily, I would invite you to stay and wait for her, but right now we're sort of in the middle of a crisis. So I'm afraid you may have to leave.

Cameron: I'll call you later and explain.

Zander: Yeah.

Zander leaves.

Cameron turns and looks at Alexis.

Ned: Maybe now would be a good time to explain. You're welcome to go.

Skye: You, too, Dobson. You no longer work here.

Alexis: Why? Because I'm gay? Madam, may I inform you, it is illegal to terminate one's employment due to their homosexuality.

Ned: (Steps in front of Skye and looks at her) What Skye meant to say --

Alexis: (Walks up to Skye) I have never made an issue of my sexuality before, but I would be happy to drag the whole Quartermaine family through the messiest discrimination suit in history. Not only will I be forced to defend myself, but I will air the entire household's dirty linen, including all the secrets that I have been privy to. Your vindictiveness could prove very harmful to the entire Quartermaine family.

Skye: Don't you threaten me, you preening bozo. You're being fired for an invasion of privacy of this family and for gross incompetence.

Ned: (Moves Skye away from Alexis) No one is getting fired. (Turns to Alexis) I can assure you, Dobson, the Quartermaines would never, ever dismiss anyone due to their sexual orientation. We would love to have you stay on.

Skye: Ned, for god's sake!

Ned: But with a warning. You need to clear up these discrepancies on your references. And from now on, you need to start minding your own business. Otherwise, gay or not, you'll be out on the street.

Alexis: I fully understand, sir. There shall be no more problems.

Ned: I hope not.

Alexis: If it is all right, may I please have a word with Cameron alone?

Ned: Fine.

Alexis and Cameron walk toward the living room. Alexis smacks Cameron as they walk in the door.

Skye: Whatever floats your boat.

Ned: Hey, stay off Dobson's case.

Skye: I still say Dobson has an agenda.

Ned: Well, at least we know that he and Cameron aren't spying for Alexis.

(Camera moves to the living room)

Cameron is clearly mortified. Alexis rushes up behind him.

Alexis: (In her normal voice) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you. Thank you. Once again, you rode in on your white horse.

Cameron: And thanks to your insane masquerade, my son thinks I'm gay. I've got to find Alexander and
explain.

He tries to leave but Alexis stops him.

Alexis: No, don't. No, no, no, no. Because he'll tell people. He'll tell everybody. It's too good. He'll tell Emily.

Cameron: Tell them? Tell them what, Alexis? This is over.

Alexis: No --

Cameron: As of today, Dobson has to disappear forever. Otherwise, they're going to have you committed.

Alexis: No! Just a little bit longer, please.

Cameron: Alexis, this has to stop.

Alexis: Cameron, I need a little bit longer. I've got to prove that Skye and Ned are trying to steal my kid.

Cameron: You are certifiable.

Alexis bounces up and down.

Cameron: If you're discovered, you'll be doing Skye's dirty work for her by proving yourself unfit.

Alexis: I won't be discovered. They think I'm a man (she starts to laugh) -- who's in love with you.

She starts laughing into her hands as Cameron looks at her frustrated.

Alexis: (She straightens up and tries to be serious) I'm sorry.

Cameron looks at her and then walks toward her.

He grabs her face.

And kisses her.

Alexis flaps her arms around

He pulls away and she gasps.

He takes a good look at her.

Cameron: I wish I had never met you.

He walks away and she starts laughing.

Alexis: You just like my beard.

She starts laughing again.

Alexis: (She gets serious) Sorry.