May 14, 2003 Transcript
"May I Present Our New Butler, Dobson"

Edward: (Looks over his clipboard) Dobson, huh? The agency didn't schedule any Dobson.

Alexis: (As Dobson) Yes, quite right, Sir. I don't put much stock in third parties. I'm a self-made man.

Edward: Hmm, I see. Well, how long have you been in service?

Alexis: 20 years, Sir.

Edward: I see that your references for the most -- oh, they're all from --

Alexis: England, Sir. Specifically Dorchester and Hereford, and of course, London.

Edward: Oh, of course.

Alexis: I'm a recent immigrant, Sir. But I assure you, all my papers are in order.

Edward: You see, I don't put much stock in paperwork. It's too easily tampered with. No, you see, if I -- if I would choose to hire you as a Quartermaine butler, you'll have to pass a little test first.

As Edward speaks Alexis/Dobson mixes a martini.

Edward: Now, Reginald may have been derelict in answering the door, and his Manhattans were absolutely terrible. But my, could that man mix a good martini.

Alexis: (Hands Edward the glass) Priorities, Sir.

Edward: Thank you. (He drinks and winces) Who are you trying to fool?

Alexis: Too weak, sir?

Edward: Too lousy.

Alexis: My apologies, Sir. My previous employer drank only single malt scotch.

Edward: Ugh. So, now that we've established that you are a failure at mixing drinks, how are you at dealing with the staff?

Alexis: In my experience, Sir, it is the butler who sets the standards for the rest of the servants. If he is loyal, discreet, and impeccable in his duties, the others will naturally follow suit.

Edward: Ha! Don't count on it.

Alexis: Am I to understand Sir, that you are experiencing difficulties with your staff?

Edward: Well, you might say Cook is a maniac. And those maids think that they are doing us a big favor if they even show up to work.

Alexis: How deplorable.

Edward: And you know something? Reginald encouraged them. Now, I want you to take the opposite approach.

Alexis: Am I to understand --

Edward: I am desperate enough to hire you on a trial basis only.

Alexis: (Grabs Edward's hand and shakes it) Thank you, Sir.

Edward: Boy, you have a good, strong grip. You know, Reginald has a grip like a debutante. You wait right here. (Edward goes to the foyer and bellows) All right, you people, I want everybody in the foyer! Chop-chop. Alan, Monica, A.J., Dillon --

Various Qs begin to assemble in the foyer.

Alan: Now what?

Monica: Keep your voice down. Emily's trying to sleep.

Alice: I just put the baby down.

A.J.: What's wrong?

Edward: Nothing is wrong. I just want you to know that our -- our domestic situation has taken a turn for the better. Follow me.

Monica: What?

Edward leads everyone into the living room where Alexis/Dobson waits.

Edward: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present our new butler, Dobson.

Alexis takes notes on a notepad as the Qs speak in turn.

Monica: My daughter Emily is going through a rather private, trying time.

Alan: Make sure you're sensitive with her.

Edward: And remember that any tales told outside this house are cause for immediate dismissal.

Monica: And whatever anyone may imply, I am the owner of this house, and what I say goes.

Edward: But I am the one that is hiring you, and I sign your checks.

A.J.: Actually, a machine at the corporate headquarters writes those checks.

Alan: Reginald pays the household bills, doesn't he?

Alice: Yes, Reginald pays the bills.

Edward: And you know something -- your duties are to coordinate between the gardener and the florist to be sure that fresh flowers are delivered every morning to my wife's room. Her name is Lila, and she is very devoted to Reginald, so you have your work cut out for you.

Monica: Your duty is also to make sure the upstairs maid re-irons the sheets before she makes the bed.

Edward: Mm-hmm.

Alice: You take the gardener, and I'll ride shotgun with the linens.

Edward: And when Alan's fraudulent, illegitimate daughter shows up, please do not try to sneak her any liquor. Alan: Her name is Skye, and you are to treat her as a member of this family.

Dillon: Hi, I'm Dillon. You can feel free to ignore me. (Alexis shakes his hand)

A.J.: Ahem. Does he know about Cook?

Edward: I told him that Cook was a maniac, if that's what you're asking.

Alan: Get in good with her.

Monica: If you could persuade Cook to consult the family regarding the menu, I will throw in a bonus.

Alan: I will, too.

Edward: I'll say.

Alice: Don't even waste your time. It'll never happen.

A.J.: Listen, Dobson, I want a daily tray -- coffee, black, dry toast, and the morning paper is to be folded to market page.

Edward: And when the doorbell rings, no matter where I am standing, it will be your response-

Ned walks in with the baby.

Alexis' eyes shine.

Edward: Oh, oh, oh, oh, here's Ned carrying the newest addition to our family, little baby Kristina. Ned, I'd like to have you meet Dobson, Reginald's replacement.

Monica: Temporary.

Alan: Temporary is right.

Ned: Do I know you from somewhere?

Alexis: If we've met, I certainly don't recall the occasion. I've just arrived from England, Sir.

Alexis goes to the mantle and checks for dust.

Ned: What family were you working with there?

Alexis: The colonel and lady Heatherington of London.

Ned: Did you check his references?

Edward: Of course. Yeah, and look -- look how eager he is to get to work.

Alan: How much experience do you have with children?

Alexis: The Heatheringtons had three, Sir, all under the age of 6. I can assure you there were no dull moments.

Edward: Well, you'll have your hands full with this family here. And actually, you won't have to worry about the baby because Alice is the baby's nanny and we help her, also. Actually, you'll have very little to do with the baby except when it comes to protecting her from her lunatic mother.

Alexis bristles.

Ned: Grandfather, don't start.

Edward: No, the woman is a prime example of the dangers of inbreeding. Do you know -- do you know what she did? She admitted to murdering a man and then she avoided prison by pretending to be insane.

Monica: Alexis is suffering from a mental illness.

Alan: Disassociative Identity Disorder. She's under a doctor's care.

Edward: She somehow managed to finagle supervised visitations, so when she comes here to the house, your job will be to keep her from sneaking off with this baby.

Alexis moves to the bar and starts to fuss with the glasses.

Alexis: The child's mother doesn't live here?

A.J.: She's lucky she's not in cell block eight.

Edward: Oh, just like the rest of her bizarre family, she is one brick short of a load, but very sly.

Ned: He's exaggerating. Kristina's mother is struggling with a serious psychological illness, but she's making great strides.

Edward: All I'm saying is when Alexis Davis comes into this house, you have to be prepared and you have to expect the worst.

Alexis: How disturbing and unfortunate.

Alice: It's time for Kristina's bottle.

Ned: I'll feed her.

Alice: Ok.

Ned and Alice walk out.

Alone at last, Alexis checks her mustache in the mirror.

She hears a noise and turns to fuss with a flower arrangement just as Alice walks in with the baby. Alice comes up behind Alexis.

Alice: I like a man in touch with his feminine side. It's lights out for this one. I just had to find her lamby. She likes to look at it when she goes to sleep. Hello? Hello?

Alexis walks up to her and lifts the loose blanket up and puts it on the baby.

Alexis: Her blanket seems to be trailing a bit.

Alice: Oh. Why, thank you.

Skye walks in.

Skye: Who's this?

Alexis: Dobson, Madam. I'll be covering for Reginald's duties while he's incapacitated. And you are?

Skye: Skye Quartermaine.

Alexis: Ah, yes.

Skye: Alan's daughter. (To Alice) May I ask why Kristina isn't asleep?

Alice: Oh, I was just rounding up lamby.

Skye: Ok. All right, my little princess brat, I will see you soon. (Blows the baby a kiss)

Alice leaves.

Skye: Have you been warned about the child's mother?

Alexis: It is my understanding that the mother is only permitted to see her little one twice weekly.

Skye: Oh. She will do anything that she can to get around that court order, and do not let her. That woman -- you give her an inch, she will take a mile. And no doubt she will paint herself as a devoted mother -- no doubt about that - (flips through some mail as Alexis fumes behind her) conveniently forgetting the fact that she did ignore doctor's orders which caused her baby to be born prematurely. And while the baby was in the hospital, she kills a man, lets two innocent people stand trial, accuses a third, and tops off her crime spree by kidnapping her own baby and keeping it away from the family. Yes, Alexis is quite a hypocrite and the most tightly wound neurotic you will ever meet. Under no circumstances do you ever let her in without any family supervision, preferably me or Ned.

Ned: (From the other room) Skye?

Skye: Oh, Ned, in here.

Ned walks in.

Ned: Hi.

Skye: Hi.

Ned: Look, I have an emergency phone call I need to take. Will you do me a favor and read Kristina her bedtime story?

Skye: Oh. Oh, I'd love to.

Ned: Thanks.

Skye: Of course. Well, good luck with the family. You're going to need it. Hold up, little princess. I'm coming.

Alexis watches as Skye runs up the stairs.

She leans against the door, takes off her glasses and sighs sadly.