Who We Are
by Maia

part 1

Hollow was the sound that vibrated though the apartment in a percussion wave that wasted her world upon barrier shores. She was alone. The closing door was more than wood closed upon metal. It was a closing of everything as she had come to know.

There was a comfort in the darkness, a silence left in the void of the ringing slam. Warmth was something that lived elsewhere, because here winter roared.

Alexis had no concept of time as it passed except that she was aware of the darkening shadows that elongated and grew cold. Shivering, she reached for a throw, covering herself for a moment, until she remembered the last time it had been used.

Ric had it covering him when she went to get coffee, before they discovered that Sonny bought Ric’s dream home out from under him.

Dreams, maybe they were meant to be lost, because in her experience, dreams were never realized, and never found. Dreams were for other people, not people such as her. There were no more dreams anymore, just nightmares.

She was a fool.

* * *

Try harder. That was some advice. Considering it came from someone he barely cared to know, it was the best he could come up with at that time.

Ric laughed in a self deprecating laughing. Friends were something he was sorely short on, and though he could talk to Elizabeth, he would hardly call them friends. He lost his best friend yesterday. Alexis was lost to him, and she would remain so unless he could find some sanity in all this madness. Jordan, even such as she was, strangely offered him what might be sound advice.

Standing at the door, he hesitated. Resting his head against the door, he took a deep breath before knocking. The key, it rang on his key chain, but he had no right to use it so he shoved it into his pocket holding on to it for a little longer. Hope springs eternal? No, this was more delusions are hard to give up.

The footsteps on the other side faltered, and mentally, he could see her hesitating before getting the nerve to open the door. She knew it was him, just as he knew it was she, and not Viola on the other side.

They stared at each other for a moment, as pain deep in the recesses of their eyes was a bond they both shared. That lasted for a moment.

Alexis cleared her throat and stepped aside to allow him to enter. “Did you come for your things?”

“No. I came to talk to you.”

“There is nothing left to say.”

“Actually, you’re wrong. There is a world left to talk about, but most important, there is us.”

“There is no us. There never was an us.” Alexis shook her head. “There was just a lie.” She wasn’t angry, just tired, and it showed in her voice, one remote and resigned.

Ric’s jaw hardened. “Can you really reduce everything we’ve done together, everything we've been to that one denominator?”

Alexis never got to answer that. Maybe she was happy for the distraction, because Kristina wandered into the room following the sounds of voices, especially one voice, a deeper one than her mother’s, one that had been missing that morning.

Kristina saw Ric and she smiled. Holding up her arms to be picked up, she said ‘daddy’ in her quiet voice. The room was still as Alexis and Ric froze, neither of them sure that her slurred ‘daddah’ was really daddy.

Ric's tongue came out to lick his lips. Nervous? No, he was so beyond nerves. He picked up Kristina rubbing his head against hers, his eyes going to Alexis.

Pain. It was an affliction they shared. Hers in her eyes, as Alexis blinked trying to keep from crying, and Ric’s stunned where his eyes held a dull lackluster gaze. Desire welled deep inside, and they were both hollowed out by a confusing lack of direction, how to get from where they were, to where they wanted to be.

“Do I need to apologize for this too?” he asked quietly, holding Kristina close.

“I don’t want her to get attached to people who won’t be there,” Alexis said. “It’s best if she doesn’t depend on them, that way she is never disappointed.”

Ric shook his head. “Is that what you want, Alexis, really? Her to be guarded and reserved, to never trust or take chances, do you want her to be like you?”

“I don’t want her hurt.”

“Kristina?” Viola came into the room smiling when she saw Kristina with Ric and Alexis. “She is getting slippery. I turn my head for a few moments, and she is gone.”

“It must be naptime then,” Alexis concluded.

Ric kissed Kristina’s cheek before handing her over to Viola, and Alexis did the same careful to avoid kissing her where Ric did. They were quiet until Viola and Kristina left the room.

“She missed you this morning.”

“Did you?” Ric held up a hand stopping her from answering. “You know what, don’t tell me. I want you to say yes, and if it’s no, I don’t want to know.”

“Then why are you here?”

Ric stared at her, shaking his head. This wasn’t going to work. Alexis had had a full night to put all her defenses back into place. He could see by the weary, guarded look in her eye that she was preparing herself for another blow. Hurting her, it was never part of the plan, and now it was something that ate at him. It was shocking how hurting her was hurting him. He felt barely able to function or breathe, and the pain, it was endless.

“I know you want to protect Kristina, much like you had to protect yourself. Where has it gotten you, Alexis? You’re alone. Do you want that for Kristina too?” Alexis stood aloof, but a tear moved down her face. She didn’t wipe it away. His eyes softened, and he stepped closer, his hand brushing away the tear. “You knew me. You knew how I was, what I was. I never lied about that.”

Alexis nodded. She looked away, but he stopped her.

“I never said I could change, but I’ve wanted to—not just for you, but for myself. I hoped I had, and maybe, inside I felt I had.” Ric’s eyes moved over her face. “I know I did. What started out as a way to get to Sonny turned into a friendship, and then it became so much more—more than I can say. I never expected it to come to this, not even in my dreams, but I can’t stop wanting it.”

“I never asked you to change. I just stopped believing you would use me, and I hate that I let myself believe—to trust in a miracle—in the miracle I thought was you.”

Ric winced, making a face, his eyes penetratingly dark. “You—you weren’t a fool to believe, Alexis. I did change. Maybe not everything—maybe there are parts that never can change. I am what I am—what life made me. People say that, that which does not destroy you, makes you stronger. Nietzsche I believe.” Ric framed her face with his hands. “It should be, that which does not destroy you, defines you.”

"Nietzsche was insane."

"Yes, but there was a sanity in his madness, a clarity."

Alexis had to understand that better than anyone. Ric was counting on it. She was intelligent, and to that end, she understood in a highly evolved manner exactly what made her as she was, just as he did. They understood it, and to a point, knew that some things were beyond change. A leopard could not change its spots, not matter how badly it wanted to be a tiger.

“There is a part that I try to squelch and hide, to deny. I think I overcome, and at the most unexpected of times, it rises. I did not overcome, but rather found a way to endure. It’s not the same. I carry it inside like a sleeping tiger, and when I am threatened…,” Ric sighed bending his head. “My entire marriage to Elizabeth was a lie, from the moment it began to the moment it ended.”

Alexis frowned. “You loved her.”

“Yes,” he admitted. “Perhaps more than I ever loved anyone before in my life. But when does a feeling come to mean anything, Alexis? If you never felt it before, do you say this is it? This is the most I’ll ever feel? How do you determine degrees?”

His hand captured her, not wanting her to move away, or shut herself off from him. What he needed to say was important, and she needed to understand the minute intricacies.

“I loved Elizabeth in my way—the best I could at that time, but it wasn’t enough—not enough for her. If I were to be brutally honest, I would admit it wasn’t enough for me—that I was settling for the best I thought I could have or the best I deserved. I saw a possible dream, and tried to achieve it without real work, like I stole it from a picture magazine.”

“I don’t understand,” Alexis frowned confused by the passion of his convictions, the sincerity of his voice.

“I could not be the man she wanted. I could not make myself into her fantasy man — that Prince Charming, dark and misunderstood, saved by her love— the Beast to her Beauty. I tried. I played the part, hiding the truth—the ugliness. I knew if given the chance, if faced with my inner self—who I really am, she would be horrified and appalled. She would see just how ugly I can be.”

“Maybe she could’ve handled it, if she understood it.”

Ric laughed bitterly. “People who live in light, who walk in daylight, they can never accept or understand. How many times has someone told you to just ‘get over it’? How many times have they felt that you should just go on—let it go?”

“I told you to do that once—maybe more than once.”

Ric rubbed his face hiding amusement. “As I have told you the same about yourself, but there is a difference, Alexis. There is a big difference.” Ric took her hand joining his to hers. “One damaged person to another, we can offer the advice knowing it is what is needed to heal, but a part of us also understands when the other can’t take it. It’s not easy. If it was easy, we would’ve already done it.”

Alexis lowered her head. “It never is. Not for people like us.”

“No. Not for people like us.” Ric pulled her with him to the desk beside the door. Sitting back on it, he fitted her close to him, in front of him, his hands on her waist, resting. “I can’t even say if I ever was in love with Elizabeth for real—I think I was, but given my experiences since, I wonder if I was more in love with the idea of being in love—wanting to be finished with hate. I tried everything I could—gave all that I could give to make it work. Any way you look at it, it wasn’t enough.”

“Sometimes love isn’t enough,” Alexis admitted. “I found that out with Ned. I walked down the aisle towards him, and he was so beautiful, so perfect, so…” Alexis paused her voice dropping to a whisper, “so undamaged, unlike me. I couldn’t see anything but a future of failure, as he tried to understand parts of me that remain aloof and silent. In that moment, I could see every time I would hurt him, because there are places I keep hidden from him—hidden from myself.”

“Places you’re afraid he might actually see, and instead of him accepting, he runs away disgusted by who you really are,” Ric finished for her, knowing only too well what that felt like.

He could still see Elizabeth’s eyes when she knew about Carly and the panic room, when it hit her that he made her an accomplice to his lies. That was only compounded when she heard him arguing with Sonny, and the anger and disappointment in her gaze told him everything he needed to know. He would never be the perfect ideal husband she built in her mind—in her fantasies, because that man never existed, and it was beyond him. He would never be good enough. He could regret that, but he was beyond changing it—even for a chance at a dream.

“I knew since April. Nine months, Alexis, I knew. I held your secret, at first waiting for a perfect moment, and a few came and went. I hesitated, which is not in my nature. I usually go for the jugular.”

Alexis sucked on her lower lip, her eyes watchful her body still listening carefully. “What happened?”

“You—you happened, Alexis. What started as a game became real. I enjoyed the hunt too much, and instead of finding a prey, I found an equal—a mate—one as cautious and weary as me, circling in for the kill.” Ric laughed in chagrin at his own folly. “You are a frightening woman, Alexis. You are timid at times, aggressive at others, and you hide, much as I do. I underestimated you. I miscalculated, and before I knew it, I cared more about you and Kristina than I did about getting Sonny. I trapped myself in my own web of deceit, and very masterfully was it done.”

“I don’t know that I can believe that.” Alexis confessed her eyes dropping from his.

Ric knew that. He wouldn’t believe him either, if he was in her shoes. “I know, and maybe I could plead my case, or find a way to convince you. That wouldn’t be good enough, because always there would be this sneaking suspicion, just out of perception, just out of range—it would nag at you—that you were still being played. The doubt would be a shadow destined to destroy us as you unconsciously examine and question my every action.”

Alexis’s eyes glistened with tears, a few chasing down her cheek. “Then where do we go from here?”

“Ball is in your court, Counselor. You have to make the next move.” Ric moved closer, his thumb rubbing the moisture from her face. “I want to be here with you and Kristina. I need you to decide if you can trust me, believe in that miracle.”

“How do I get to that point, from here to there?” Alexis asked her voice breaking. “I don’t know that I can.”

“It’s called blind faith, Alexis. You follow your heart, no matter how insecure and uncertain, and you do what you did before—take a chance on me.” Ric leaned forward, his forehead mated to hers with his eyes closed. “I can’t promise much, but I can promise that I will never willfully hurt or use you or Kristina, and I would put myself in the path of anyone that tries. While you mull it about, examine it, and find reasons to walk away, ask yourself,” Ric said his fingers lingering on her cheek, “why if it was all about Sonny, that I didn’t take your offer of a marriage of convenience, but demanded a real marriage—a real love affair.”

“I missed you last night,” she admitted, her hand moving up his shirt front to rest on his heart, feeling the beat of it strong.

Ric sighed, relieved. “Think about it—be sure, because if we go on, we leave this at the door. Just consider this,” Ric opened his eyes to meet hers, “that in nine months of knowing, never once did I ever blackmail or use it against you or Sonny. Something—someone became more important—and that was you, and the life I want with you.”

Alexis hand came up to touch his face; her usual touch was suddenly softer and more tenuous. “Would you have ever told me the truth?”

“Honestly?” he asked. Alexis nodded. “I don’t know. At first, it was the game—wanting to get Sonny, and you were a means. At first I thought you a cold calculating woman that chose to involve herself romantically with a man she knew to be a gangster, and I had no qualms to play you. You were a player; you knew the stakes.”

“An intellectual prude?” she said repeating his description.

“I never admitted to being right all the time—just most of the time.” He told her arrogantly. “Yes, I thought I knew what and who you were. The more I got closer, worked inward to get into your life I found something I never expected.”

“An intellectual prude,” she guessed.

“Anything but,” Ric moved his head along the side of her face rubbing into her almost in comfort, more for him than her. “I found someone closed off and afraid, capable of so much love, but terrified to take chances. She gave her heart before, and it was horribly trampled upon. You stopped being Sonny’s accomplice, and became a vulnerable heart victimized by a flash of charming dimples and soulful eyes.”

“I could be lying to you,” she suggested. “I lie to myself all the time. I lie about who I am, what I can be. I don’t like what is living inside me that I can be capable of. Granted I have yet to feel an impulse to freeze Port Charles, but the lack of remorse at times frightens me.”

“We all do; we all lie to ourselves from time to time. I’m not afraid of your hidden scary side, and I know you've seen me completely unhinged. So what began as an agenda became my life, and all I know is that it became something else so long ago. I couldn’t tell you that I knew because you would’ve run. And later, when we were more, I didn’t want to tell you, because I bought into the dream. I didn’t want anything to destroy the most perfect dream I've ever had.”

Alexis sniffed; she was crying, and unaware of the tears. Kissing him softly, she hugged him. “I was happy. I was really really happy,” she said huskily in his ear through the tears.

Ric held her tight for a moment. “I can get that back for you, if you just take a leap of faith, Alexis. If you jump, I promise to catch you.” He kissed her one more time before standing and reluctantly putting her away from him. His hand lingered for a moment on her face before he quietly let himself out the door.

* * *

“Alexis?”

Alexis looked up from her paperwork, more than happy to be interrupted. “I take it that Kristina is napping.”

“Six books this time, and three glasses of water,” Viola confirmed. “She has the delay tactics of every two year old down to an art form.”

Alexis smiled. “She does seem to be fascinated by everything. I think she doesn’t want to nap until tiredness overtakes her, because she is curious.”

“Smart children tend to be that way. They are quiet, observant, and precocious, and just when you think something might be wrong—that they might be too quiet, they start with the questions. It’s like they saved up all this information and they want to know answers—all of them, immediately.”

“Endless?” Alexis asked. Viola nodded. “Oh, something to look forward to, I suppose,” Alexis laughed. “I never thought to be a mother, but it has been the best part of my life. She makes me think of the world differently, like it’s new.”

Viola took a seat next to Alexis. “You look tired. Are you okay?”

Alexis sighed. “These financial reports, I’ve read them a few times, and I’m not sure if it’s just me or if there is something wrong. I can’t clear my head to think coherently today.”

“Ric?” Viola guessed.

“It always seems to be him.” Alexis shook her head. “He clouds my thinking.”

“Damn him,” Viola finished. Alexis glanced at her nanny, and the two women laughed.

Alexis quieted for a moment staring at the young woman. “I know it’s confusing. One minute we’re going on a honeymoon, and the next, he’s not here.”

“Kristina is confused. She loves him. I think she misses him reading to her, and eating breakfast.”

“I know she does. I never wanted that to happen.”

Viola seemed hesitant, but she picked up a toy. “Mind if I asked what did happen? One moment the two of you were happy, and the next…”

“He was gone.” Alexis sighed unhappily. “He—he lied to me, or he was living with a lie from months ago, one that affected me and Kristina, and I found out.”

“It must have been big.”

“It was, but the secret, it was over already, but he knew. He didn’t tell me.”

Viola seemed to give it some thought. “Do you think he’s lying now?”

“No.” Alexis answered that truthfully. “I’m just not a very trusting person, and I gave him that. Once bitten, twice shy, so I don’t know where to begin to get past it. I want to, but everything inside me revolts, tells me to protect myself.”

Viola was quiet for a moment, as if picking her words carefully. “I’ve come to know you over the last eighteen months I've worked for you. I think,” Viola smiled, “I think it’s been nice having Mr. Lansing around, because the joy you feel with Kristina, it seems magnified when you have it to share with him. It’s been good for both you and Kristina, and though I don’t know Mr. Lansing very well, it seems good for him too. I don’t see how anything so good for all of you can be bad.”

Alexis sighed glancing at the horrible Cassadine financial reports, her eyes moving over the columns. “You are a wise woman, Viola. I wish I could see things so clearly.” She glanced at her nanny. “How are you at financial reports?”

Viola grimaced standing up. “You know, while Kristina is sleeping, I think I’ll go grocery shopping. Her favorite foods are shockingly in low supply.”

“Oh, I was afraid you were going to say that.” Viola laughed her hand squeezing Alexis’s shoulder kindly as she took her jacket and bag. “I’ll be back within the hour.”

Alexis nodded deep in thought. She called to the other woman before she could step through the door. “Viola?” She sucked in her lower lips, her eyes soft and brighter than usual. “What would you do for love?”

“What wouldn’t I do?”

* * *

Jax was laughing at something Courtney said when he opened his door to find Alexis and Kristina standing there.

“Alexis?” he stood back allowing her to enter taking Kristina from her arms.

“Hey, I’m sorry to interrupt,” Alexis said seeing Courtney. “Hello, Courtney, how are you?”

“Fine.” Courtney stood from the sofa. “Is something wrong?”

Alexis quickly shook her head, but there was a guarded look on her face. “No, I just needed something.” Turning to Jax, she cleared her throat. “I need a ride.”

“You need me to take you somewhere?” Jax glanced quickly at Courtney before lowering his voice in a soft gentle manner he saved for Alexis. “Where, Alexis?”

“Greece. I need to go to Island Cassadine, immediately.” Alexis ignored Courtney for a moment. “Kristina and I are ready to go, and you don’t have to take us. I just need to get there fast, and your jet is the best solution.”

“Ric, is he going too?”

Alexis’s eyes darkened and she took her daughter back. “No. This is Cassadine business. I’ll explain it later.”

Courtney interrupted. “Does Sonny know you’re taking Kristina out of the country?”

Alexis breathed in deeply, but smiled politely, the smile not reaching her eyes. “Actually, no he does not. He’s on vacation, and I’m the custodial parent, so I am within my rights to take Kristina wherever I might need to go.” Alexis glanced at Jax. “Jax?”

“I’ll take you personally.” Jax smiled at Courtney. “You want to go for the ride?”

Courtney frowned looking between the two of them. “I can’t. Bridgett,” she reminded him.

“Of course, I understand.” Jax put a hand on Alexis’s back leading her into the room. “I’ll call to have my plane prepared and a flight plan filed. How long we going to be gone?”

“I just need a ride, Jax. You don’t have to stay. Kristina and I will be there a few days, and I’ll have a Cassadine jet fly us back.”

Jax nodded picking up the phone and made arrangements, his eyes never leaving Alexis as one hand reached over and ran over Kristina’s dark curls.

* * *

Winter here was cold and wet. The wind howled off the Aegean, and it cut to the bone. Leaving the warmth of inhabited islands, a large imposing landform rose out of the inky sea, darkened by the night as the caique cut through the icy waves.

Cassadine Island was formed in a chain along with sister islands from volcanic rock cut in sheer cliffs from geo-uprising. But unlike the islands surrounding the dark silent rock that Alexis called home, Cassadine Island was lacking in warmth or life.

Oh, there were hot springs and exotic indigenous flora, and the Byzantine ruins beckoned archaeologist to the rocky shores. None were admitted. Cassadine Island was the largest individually owned island in the group, and here no one came, and no one left.

Alexis held Kristina tight to her, sheltering her in the warmth of her body as the caique circled around the island, the towering cliffs stark and forbidding.

She knew every inch of them, every handhold. As a child she climbed them excessively, learning to climb them in the dark if necessary. Always she had prepared for having to leave the island in the dark of night in a flight to save her own life. She could still rock climb, better than most, and if not for the exercise, then for the feeling of freedom it gave her. It was not a task she chose, not without necessity biting at her back like the hand of doom.

There was only one way to get on to the island, a small bay inlet, with the one usable beach. Caique was the only way to get to the island, all its rocky cliffs cut straight into Aegean waters, treacherous and deep. Here there were no ferries and no hydrofoils, and here the inhabitants bowed to a different type of man—they owed fealty to Cassadines.

Alexis closed her eyes when the villa came into sight. It was more than a villa, it was a medieval castle connected to the Byzantine ruins with Christian catacombs running under the structure, and warmed by hot springs. As a child, she bathed in the obsidian baths heated by thermolytic heat escaping vents rising from molten lava barely contained beneath the earth’s crust.

Here, a fleeing Royal family of Russians found a place to roost, and here they nurtured their young in exile bred on a combination of Russian caviar, sardines cooked in olive oil, and vodka. The island was sheltered and isolated and the olive groves grew to alarming proportions, fed by the rich volcanic soils, their twisted limbs added to the darkness of the island. As a child, she thought them frozen monsters that moved in a rush being only a blur to the corner of an eyes, a split moment of consciousness.

Without thought, Alexis spit and crossed herself, an omen for protection against the curse that was her family.

Takis awaited the arrival of the caique having dispatched it at Alexis’s request. He offered his hand to Alexis, helping her with Kristina.

“Princess,” he said bowing discretely. Of all the Cassadines, Alexis was the least likely to appreciate the respectful bowing. It was hard to say what irritated her more, the title or the servitude.

“Takis, how is Zefi?”

“She happily awaits your visit, and that of the newest Cassadine.” The old man nodded to Kristina. “Mihail says he will be in attendance once you have a rest.”

Alexis was silent until they reached the main entrance of the villa. Going through the doors, she put Kristina down on her own feet, her eyes moving to the line of armor and battlements in the foyer. Cassadines had always been warriors, soldiers, and part of the marauding hordes. They did not die peacefully, nor did their bones rest even centuries in the ground.

Walking with Kristina, she made the journey along the long hall, eyes upon her, and those that stood in attendance bowed as she past.

“Take Kristina to Zefi,” Alexis ordered him. “You may tell Mihail that I await him in the Great Hall.” Alexis knelt to Kristina. “Hey, honey, mommy wants you to go with Takis. He will take you to Zefi, and she will feed you honey and bread.” Alexis kissed Kristina lifting her to the older man.

He accepted the child but not before his eyes met Alexis’s, and just as quickly, they lowered. Alexis watched them leave quelling a desire to go liberate her child, but she could not.

Going to a large door, she walked into a huge hall, a library of sorts with wall to wall books and an inviting fire. Removing her heavy cloak and gloves, she poured a glass of wine and went to stand next to the fireplace, her back to the room. This room as a child had been off limits. Here her father worked and conducted business, Mikkos’s voice ringing from behind the door as a boom of thunder upon silence.

Her form stood straight and firm against the firelight, the long black skirt and black cashmere sweater made her look aloof and untouchable. A silver bracelet of a serpent wrapped around her wrist reflecting the light of the fire in a brilliant flash. With an arm around her waist, she drank the wine staring into the flames.

“Alexis.”

Alexis shut her eyes for a moment before turning to the man. He was tall and elegant, barely to his fifties. “Mihail.”

“I thought you would prefer to rest. I understand you brought Kristina.”

“Hmm,” she said softly. “You thought I would prefer to rest?”

Alexis went to the man. He was not as tall as she remembered, but then, she was not as small as she had once been. He was barely ten years her senior, once Stefan’s best friend. Mihail’s family had fled with the Cassadines, enforcer arms in the Cassadine armies, his family had exiled with their Prince and his family to spend eternity as their protectors.

He was an attractive man still. The length of his body accentuated in the black clothes, his back firm and straight, but it was his face. His once promised good looks were destroyed by a scar that transected his face. The left cheek had been flayed open to the bone in his youth, and to this day, he still wore the scar that almost cost him his left eye.

Stavros had done it.

Alexis sighed looking up at him before rising on her toes; she kissed him once on each cheek before kissing him softly on his lips. Going to turn away, she reached around and slapped him hard across his left cheek. The slap ringed in the room as she clenched her aching hand.

Mihail’s hand went to his scar, and he stepped back his silvery eyes intense and angry. Alexis was not done. She pulled a saber from a sheath beside the fireplace holding the point to his chest.

“It is best you thrust yourself upon this blade, than to betray me, to betray your Prince.”

Mihail put his hand on the blade, and he held it firmly as blood ran from the cut. Reaching out, he grabbed Alexis dragging her to him, his hand tossing the sword away. Bending his head, he kissed her hard and with an anger that was barely suppressed beneath a passion.

“Welcome home, Natasha,” he said thickly. “Welcome home, my Princess.”

part 2