Returning to a Friend
by Cowgirl

Part 31

Sonny awoke more relaxed than he had ever been before. He inhaled deeply and looked around the room. It took him a split second to realize that he was not in his own bed. Once he did, everything that happened the night before came rushing back to him, Alexis and him talking about their daughter, Alexis crying, Alexis in his arms, Alexis kissing him ... Alexis, naked and warm beside him in bed. He blinked himself back to the present and sat up. Seeing no visible sign of Alexis, he exited the bed and quietly padded down the stairs where she sat perched on her bay window seat, her knees drawn up to her chest. She slowly turned her head to him as he approached and sat down opposite her. Her eyes were red and swollen. He sniffed and tilted his head. "You okay?" he asked quietly.

Alexis averted her eyes and looked out the window saying nothing.

Sonny reached out and put his hand on her leg. "Lex," he said quietly. "Talk to me."

Alexis closed her eyes and brought her hand up to her mouth stifling a sob. "I don't know what's wrong with me," she said shakily.

Sonny's expression grew confused. "Alexis, there's nothing wrong with you ... I don't understand."

Alexis shook her head and stood up. "How can you say that there's nothing wrong with me?" she exclaimed as she began to pace the room. "I don't even know who I am anymore. I used to know ... I used to be confident of who I was ... in who I was. I was a Harvard educated attorney, I was respected in the courtroom, I had friends, I had relatives, albeit crazy, annoying, and totally insufferable relatives ... " She turned back to Sonny and waved her hand at her own chest. "But they were mine. I had a career ... I had a life." She moved to the nearby couch and sat down, burying her head in her hands. "Now I'm a lunatic, at least that's what the entire town thinks, a lunatic who's killed a man. I couldn't get within five hundred feet of my daughter whom I've barely gotten to know since she was born ... oh yeah and now I've helped the man whom I've spent the better part of a year claiming to hate commit adultery." Alexis stood and moved to the mirror that hung above the fireplace, pointing at her reflection. "I have no clue who that woman standing here is. She's not Alexis Davis. I don't know who she is."

Sonny stood and moved to her, standing behind her and wrapping his arms around her tightly. She tried to squirm but to no avail. "Lex," Sonny said softly. "You and I have had a difficult year, there's no doubt about that ... but you are still the same, caring, warm, compassionate person you were before." He placed his face next to hers and nuzzled her cheek with his own. "You are still the woman who got so deep into my heart that I ran scared the first chance I got."

Alexis swallowed the lump that formed in her throat and closed her eyes. When she opened them, she looked intensely into Sonny's. "Why are you doing this?"

Sonny lowered his head as a feeling of worthlessness came over him, he squashed it and forced himself to look back at Alexis. "Because I love you Alexis."

Tears streamed down her face as she desperately looked to him. "How can you say that?" She pulled herself away from his touch and wrapped her arms around her midsection. "If you loved me you wouldn't be here sleeping with me while you're still married to another woman. If you loved me you would be with me and only me." She shook her head vigorously as a look of pain took hold of her features. "Oh God Sonny I can't take this anymore. Why can't you just leave me be to live my life." She turned back to him. "Don't you see what you're doing? My chest hurts every time you come near me ... every time you speak to me. I don't want to hurt like this anymore."

Sonny looked briefly up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. "I can't leave you alone Lex, you know that." He fought back the tears that threatened to fall. "We share a daughter and you know I can't walk away from that. I can't walk away from you."

Alexis sank, defeated, onto the couch, her shoulders shaking with sobs. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't strong enough that night. I should have walked out the door and let things be the way they were. I knew who you were ... I knew that you would never ever be fully over Carly."

Sonny rushed over and knelt down beside her. "Don't ever say you're sorry Alexis ... not about that night. That night was supposed to happen."

Alexis raised her head and looked at him. "Why? I get it Sonny. It's okay with you because it worked out for you. You got to bed your attorney ... see what that was like ... and then you walked back to your wife and got a child out of the deal. Me, what did I get Sonny? I got a broken heart and the worst year of my entire existence ... worse than any year spent with Helena. You gained everything and I lost everything. I spent almost the better part of two years trying to fight what I felt for you. I lost the fight ... I couldn't deny that I fell in love with you and you used that to your advantage to keep yourself occupied until Carly was ready to take you back." She sat forward on the couch and wiped at the tears that streaked her face. "Now you get to waltz back in and play daddy while I get to watch you leave and go back to your wife."

Sonny slipped from his kneeling position and sat on the floor, placing his head in his hands. "You want me to leave Carly?"

Alexis closed her eyes, emotionally drained. "If you have to ask me that ... then there's no point to this whole conversation."

"I don't understand ... "

Alexis stood and sighed. "Sonny ... do you want to leave Carly? Do you love me? Are you honestly in love with me or is this all about our daughter? Do you really want to pack it up with Carly for good, move in with me and be a family with Kristina and me? Because if you honestly have to ask if I want you to leave Carly then we have a problem."

"Look ... Alexis ... "

Alexis raised her hand. "No ... Don't. You don't want me Sonny. Last night ... last night was about you being glad that we've hashed through our problems. Last night was you being relieved that I don't blame you for my sister." She closed her eyes and brought her fist down on the nearby table. "Damn it how could I be so stupid again. I mean once yes ... I was caught up in a moment ... but again? After everything that's happened?" She turned to him. "I need you to leave."

Sonny stood up. "Lex, please."

"Please Sonny. I need some time alone. Just for today all right?" her voice pleaded with him.

Sonny nodded and ran a hand across his mouth as he moved to the door. He laid a hand on the doorknob and stopped. "You can think what you want Alexis ... but you're wrong. I do want you. I want you and our child ... I want it all," he said without looking at her. There was silence for a moment and then Sonny opened the door, walking out of the house, leaving a teary, confused Alexis standing in the living room.

****************

"Alexis and I slept together last night," Sonny said as he rubbed his temples.

"I assume you mean slept in the biblical sense," Cameron asked as he opened Sonny's file.

Sonny nodded. "Yeah."

"And I take it that wasn't a good thing?"

Sonny held up his hands and then dropped them. "It should have been."

"Why wasn't it?"

"Because this morning she was all upset and regretful."

"Regretful?"

"Yeah. She was upset at me and maybe she had right to be."

"Why don't you tell me what happened," Cameron said as he closed the file and focused his attention on Sonny.

Sonny shifted in his seat and ran a hand over his hair. "I was visiting Kristina like I have every day for the last several months and Alexis ... well I could tell something was bothering her. She excused herself and went into her room."

"And that's odd?"

Sonny nodded again. "Yeah. Usually she stays with us during my visits and the three of us ... " he shrugged. "You know, the three of us hang out."

Cameron shrugged. "Maybe she had work to do, or she didn't feel well, or maybe she just felt that you and the baby needed some time alone ... or maybe she needed time alone."

Sonny scratched his chin. "I wish it were that simple. I put Kristina to bed and then went to her room to check on her. She was upset and I asked her why."

"Did she tell you?"

"Yeah." Sonny stood up and moved to the window. "She told me that she was scared. She told me that even though she had Kristina back and that was the most important thing in the world, she was still back where she was a year ago."

"And where was that?"

"Alone." Sonny squeezed his eyes shut and opened them. "Alone and in love with someone she can never be with."

Cameron cleared his throat. "And I'm assuming she meant you."

Sonny nodded.

"So how did you two end up ... " he let the sentence dangle.

Sonny turned from the window. "I went to her and held her. She was crying. I kissed her and things progressed. I stopped and asked if she was sure this is what she wanted and she told me she never stopped wanting me." He rubbed his forehead. "I shouldn't have let it happen. She was too vulnerable but ... " he trailed off.

"But?"

"But I wanted her too." He moved back to the chair and sat down. "I told her I love her."

"Did she reply?"

"She said she loved me too."

"So how did it end up not being a good thing?"

Sonny let out a laugh. "Well, I'm still married for one ... and Alexis isn't the type of woman to sleep with a married man. She felt used. I imagine she felt like her mother."

Cameron raised an eyebrow. He and Alexis had yet to discuss her mother in detail. "What about her mother?"

Sonny hung his head for a moment. "Her mother was having an affair with Alexis' father. That's how Alexis and then later her sister Kristina came to be. Mikkos ... that's Alexis' father, wouldn't leave Helena ... Alexis' stepmother and Alexis grew up basically very mentally and I suspect at times physically abused by her stepmother and half brother Stavros." Sonny pinched the bridge of his nose. "Helena killed Alexis' mother right in front of Alexis when she was just a little girl." He looked over at Cameron. "I don't think Alexis would like me telling you all this."

Cameron nodded. "I won't say a word." He scratched his beard. "It makes sense now. Alexis is probably feeling that she's following in her mother's footsteps."

Sonny sighed. "I'm surprised she didn't tell you all this."

"I gather from talking to Alexis that her childhood and her mother's murder are subjects that are going to be very, very draining for her to talk about. I don't think she's anxious to go there." He waved his hand. "But we're delving too deep into Alexis' sessions. I do have confidentiality to uphold. Let's get back to last night and this morning."

Sonny crossed his legs and ran a hand over his pant leg. "Why do I always screw up when it comes to her?"

"What do you mean when you say screw up?"

Sonny chuckled. "I mean every time Alexis and I reach some sort of bridge in our relationship ... you know I feel like I'm standing on one side and she's on the other. We want to meet in the middle and we get really close to doing that ... but then I seem to always light a match and burn the bridge down right as we're about to meet."

"You lost me with that last part," Cameron said as he jotted down notes.

"Well, you see ... it's like the first time we slept together. That night it was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I really felt good about it and it felt good to give in to what I had been feeling for Alexis for a long time. Then the next day it's bad. Last night I couldn't have loved Alexis more ... it was like getting my soul back. It felt so good to touch her again ... to kiss her and this morning ended with us arguing." He shook his head and looked to Cameron. "Why is that? Why can't Alexis and I just go with what's happening and let it happen?"

Cameron tapped his pen on his knee. "Therein lies the problem. My professional opinion is that after you and Alexis have an emotional experience and you're closer than ever, the roadblocks come up."

Sonny sat forward and spread his hands. "But why? I love her ... she loves me and we have a beautiful daughter that we should be raising together."

Cameron stood and paced a few steps with his hands behind his back. "Tell me Sonny, tell me what about Alexis Davis made you fall in love with her?"

Sonny smiled and let out a tiny laugh. "That's a tough question. Alexis is a very complicated woman to figure out. She seems so cut and dry, but she's not. I always saw a beautiful but business like woman who was driven to be the best you know?" He shook his head. "But the more I learned about her ... the more time we spent together I saw her other layers too."

"Such as?"

"Such as ... she's sexy. She doesn't even mean to be and I don't even think she realizes it, but she's so damn sexy. She's tough as nails and no one would want to cross her ... in the courtroom or otherwise." He sat forward and leaned his elbows on his knees, locking his hands together under his chin. "But if you get lucky enough to earn her trust, she shows you the soft side ... the hurt, tormented little girl that needs someone so desperately to nurture her."

"And you want to be that man?"

Sonny smiled and nodded.

Cameron looked at this man in front of him. There was no doubt in his mind that Sonny was in love with Alexis. "What about your wife?"

Sonny's expression grew dark. "It was a mistake to marry Carly again," he said quietly.

"So what do you do now?"

"I need let her know that we can't go on like this. I need to tell her that I need to move on ... that I love Alexis."

Cameron shifted in his chair. "But you share a child. Like it or not Carly will always be in the picture somehow."

Sonny nodded. "I know that. I mean I need to make a break from Carly. I did it before and it felt good." He took a deep breath and sat up straight. "She's not going to take it well."

"And how do you think Alexis will take it?"

"I don't know doc." He stood up and craned his neck. "I don't think she'll jump into my arms or anything." He paced. "I just want to show her ... I want her to see that I'm working and that I want things to be better between us." He stopped pacing. "And I want her to eventually see how much I love her and want to be with her and our daughter for the rest of my life."

part 32