|
Pentonville
Epiphany Sonny made his way along a spotless corridor. From the sparkling white paint on the cinderblock walls to the glistening gray topcoat over the cement floor, every inch of the hallway was white-glove clean. In fact, every nook and cranny of the entire building was kept in just such meticulous order. The housekeeping here would make any five-star hotel proud. Only the cleanliness had a purpose other than pride. Protection. And the establishment wasn't a premier hotel. It was the Pentonville State Penitentiary. Keeping the prison in perfect order made it easier to spot anything out of place. Rooms were kept clear of clutter. Floors were bare and polished to a high gloss. Walls were smooth and snow white. Anything out of the ordinary would be immediately noticeable and would draw the attention of the guards. So the inmates spent hour upon hour cleaning, polishing, waxing, sweeping, mopping. There was no shortage of labor. And Sonny had put in his share of time over the past fifteen months. Sonny reached the end of the hall and stopped outside of a gray steel door. Reaching up, he rapped his knuckles of his left hand against the door. A brief moment of sadness rippled through him as his eye fell on the bare finger that once sported his wedding band. The ring was safely tucked away with his other valuable possessions and would be returned to him when he was released. But it would never rest upon his hand again. Of that he was certain. And the ending, any ending, held sadness for him. Sonny wasn't good at letting go, even when it was in best interest. The cool metal door swung open on his second knock and a round bespectacled face greeted him with a warm smile. "Sonny. Come on in." The small sandy-haired man stepped back, welcoming Sonny into his office. "Hiya, Doc." "You're right on time, as usual. I could set my watch by you." "Yeah, well my social schedule has been a little light this past year," Sonny quipped as he made his way across the room for the worn vinyl armchair facing Doc's desk. "Give yourself some credit, Sonny," replied Doc. "You've been very serious about your work here. And that has taken some courage." "Yeah, well. . ." Sonny shrugged and dropped his eyes to his lap. He knew that the Doc was right, but he still felt a bit odd about the whole thing. This therapy stuff just wasn't what guys from the streets of Bensenhurst went into. The Doc had closed the door and taken his seat behind a gray metal desk that looked like military surplus stock. Folding his hands on the desk blotter, he peered over the rims of his glasses and looked seriously in Sonny's direction. "It will take a lot more courage to continue your work after next month." Sonny swallowed. Next month. The words filled him with so many mixed emotions. He should be thrilled, and he was. But he was also scared. And the fact that he was scared of freedom scared him even more. "Sonny?" the Doc prompted. "Yeah." "You looked troubled when I mentioned your release." Sonny swallowed again. He didn't trust his voice to answer. "Being a short-timer is a difficult position. Facing the prospect of getting out can be a lot harder than many expect." Sonny nodded, his eyes still downcast. Silence hung in the air as the Doc let him sort out his thoughts. Finally, the silence became more than Sonny could bear. "I thought therapy was supposed to help me." "It hasn't?" "I feel crazier than ever." "In what way?" "Being scared of getting out. That's nuts. Feeling safer in prison than going home. It doesn't make any sense." "If you were planning to go back to your old life, leaving prison might not scare you at all." Sonny sat quietly, his gaze fixed on his fingers absentmindedly picking at the cracked vinyl on the arm of his chair. He felt his heart racing as his thoughts came together in his mind. The words threatened to spill forth, threatened to make his vague fears a tangible reality. Tears welled in his eyes. "I don't know if I can do it," Sonny finally croaked in a voice thick with emotion. "What might stop you?" Sonny shrugged. The Doc waited. Again the silence grew too heavy for Sonny to withstand. "I don't know how to be just me," he confessed. "Meaning?" Sonny sighed deeply. "I know how to be the role of Sonny Corinthos. I know how to be what people expect someone in my. . .business. . .to be. I know how to be the image. But I've been the image for so long that I don't know if I know how to be me. I know that sounds stupid. . ." "Not stupid at all." The Doc watched Sonny chew on his bottom lip. "When were you yourself?" Sonny shrugged again. It was something that the Doc knew his client did when he had something to say, but was debating whether to actually say it. Digging would never pry Sonny's words from him. The pressure to speak had to come from within. So the Doc waited. "I don't know if I can explain it." The two men sat without speaking for several minutes. Doc sensed that Sonny was stuck and made the decision to try another angle. "Maybe it would be easier to figure out when you stopped being yourself and started being the image." Sonny chewed on his lip again. Doc could see him sorting through memories, looking for the answer. "I guess I started being the image when I was 16. When I left home for the streets. I was. . .I was scared. I scared to stay in that house. Scared of what I might do to Deke. But I was scared to leave, too. I was scared about what might happen to my mother without me there to protect her. And I was scared being on my own." "You were only 16." "Yeah. But being scared on the streets wasn't cool. Being scared made you vulnerable. So I hid what I was feeling. I put on the image." "The image of. . ." "Of someone who was as tough as I wished I could be." Doc let Sonny's words sink in for a moment before continuing. "And this image is what you've lived ever since?" Sonny nodded. "Most of the time." "Kind of like wearing a mask." Sonny nodded again. "When do you take the mask off?" A shrug. His client was debating whether to be honest with himself or not. Finally Sonny's lips parted and he whispered his answer. "I wore the mask all the time. Until I met Brenda." Doc nodded. That made sense. Brenda had been a strong force shaping his client's life. "And Brenda saw the real you that no one else got to see?" Sonny paused. "Not at first. At first I was all the image. At first, it was just another game with another beautiful woman. I'd done it a thousand times by then." "But something changed." "Yeah, something changed." Doc waited. Sonny rubbed at his eyes, refusing to let tears form there. "What changed?" Doc asked. "You know that already," Sonny snapped. "Where is the anger coming from?" "You're trying to manipulate me!" "Am I?" "You want me to talk about Brenda again when you know what that does to me." "You think I'm trying to get you to feel. . .what?" "Sad. Hurt. Stupid." "That's how you feel when you think about Brenda?" "You know it is!" "Because. . ." Sonny blinked rapidly, his lids like sandpaper against the burning rawness of his eyeballs. "Because. . ." He started the sentence, but couldn't finish. "Because. . ." "Because I wasn't good enough!" Sonny spat out. Doc noted his client's agitation, his rapid, shallow breaths and the way his fingertips curled into the arms of the chair in which he sat. "You let the mask down for her and she rejected what she saw?" Sonny sat stoically, making no move to confirm the Doc's query. Meanwhile, Doc pondered his next move. It was like a chess game. He knew that this belief wasn't accurate. He knew that Sonny was jumping to conclusions, leaving out some important information. He knew that this belief, this idea that the real Sonny was unworthy, was a factor in some of Sonny's poor life decisions. He knew that this belief needed to be challenged, and he knew where he needed to lead his client in order to confront him on it. Sometimes, though, the most direct route was not the most fruitful. "So you took off the mask. You left yourself vulnerable with Brenda, and it backfired." "She couldn't handle who I really am. She chose Jax." The other man's name was drawled out in disgust. "So you put the mask back on?" Sonny nodded. "And it's never come off since? Not with anyone?" Sonny hesitated. Then shrugged. Doc smiled inwardly to himself. "I don't know," Sonny dodged. Doc waited quietly. The clock ticked loudly in the tiny office, the sound bouncing off the cinderblock walls. Finally, Sonny spoke again. "Maybe I tried to be real sometimes. . .after Brenda." "Like when?" Sonny laughed bitterly. "Like when I'm drunk. When I'm depressed. When I go crazy." "So only the parts of you that you're ashamed of are real?" "Pretty much." "So your grief for your children wasn't real?" "My guilt was real." "But your love for them wasn't." Sonny's eyes rose to meet the Doc's for the first time, revealing deep pools of pain. "I loved my children, Doc. I loved them more than my own life." The Doc nodded. "I can see that." He watched as Sonny's gaze dropped again. "So you were real when you loved your children." Sonny nodded. "And you were real when you grieved their deaths." Again Sonny nodded. "And when you shared Carly's grief over the loss of your son?" Sonny sat motionless for a few moments before his fingers began picking again at the arm of the chair. "I thought things could be different with her, then. I thought we were both changing after our baby died." "But it didn't work out that way?" "It's. . .complicated," Sonny replied. Doc waited for him to continue. "I guess I wanted to believe that the woman who would be the mother of my child was more than the trash I'd thought she was before. I wanted there to be more to her. And I guess there probably is more to her. But still. . ." "Still?" "I wanted to believe that I could trust her with. . .with . . ." "With your heart?" Something flickered in Sonny's eyes, a hint of pain that flashed and then was hidden again. "I guess." Sonny paused, all of his attention apparently focused on his fingertips as they pulled at the vinyl covering the arm of the chair. Just as the Doc was about to prompt his patient, Sonny spoke. "I wanted to believe that she was safe to care about. But I was still scared to trust her. So I just tried to get by sorta playing house. I wasn't alone, but I wasn't committed either. Then I got shot. I almost died. After that, after I survived, maybe I felt kinda fearless. I felt like I could survive anything. Even Carly. So I took the risk and really let her in." "And?" "And as soon as I did, she turned on me." "She rejected you?" "No. She betrayed me. She claimed she did it trying to protect me. But that doesn't change that she lied to me. She set me up. She tried to force me to change my life and she did it with lies and manipulation. She did me just like I saw her do Jason when I was the one on the outside warning him not to trust her." "That must have hurt." Sonny's eyes lifted again, the pain in them as palpable as the pain he'd felt over the loss of his children. "Yeah. It hurt," he said simply. "It tore my heart out. And made me feel stupid." "For trusting?" "For trusting her when I knew what she could do to someone she claimed to love." "But you got back with her." "Not for a long time. I went back and forth for a long time. Part of me wanted to never see her again." "And another part. . ." "The other part of me wanted to believe that there was an explanation for what she did. I wanted to believe that I wasn't stupid for trusting her. I wanted to believe that we could go back to what I thought we had before she betrayed me." "So you took her back?" "Yeah. After her accident. I thought she was dead, and that it was my fault." "How could it have been your fault? Because you were with Alexis?" Sonny tensed visibly. "I don't want to talk about her." Doc cocked an eyebrow. "She was an important part of your life, Sonny." He watched as his patient squirmed. This was the one topic of discussion that Sonny avoided like the plague. And likely the one topic that they most needed to address before he left Pentonville. "I hurt Carly. She ran off and. . .and had that accident. I felt like I'd killed her." "But you hadn't done anything wrong." Sonny nodded. He was trying to accept that as the truth. And most of the time he did. But sometimes that old familiar sense of guilt ate away at him. "You were divorced, Sonny. If Carly something that upset her, her reaction was her responsibility." "Yeah, I know." "You aren't responsible for what Carly saw, or how she took it." Sonny nodded again. "But all I could think was that I'd killed her. Then, when she came back. . ." his voice rasped with emotion. "When she came back. . ." Sonny swallowed the lump in his throat. "When she came back, I wanted to take it as a sign. It was like, finally I had the chance to redo something with someone I'd lost. Lily was still gone. Brenda was still gone. My children were still gone. But Carly came back." "So you gave her your heart again?" "Yeah." Sonny let out a snort that was something between a weary sigh and a bitter laugh. "I just couldn't serve myself up fast enough," he sneered. "You wanted to believe, Sonny," Doc offered, supportingly. Sonny lifted his eyes and looked steadily into the Doc's own gaze. "I was running away," he replied seriously. "From?" Sonny stared silently into the doctor's eyes for a few long moments, as if debating whether to say what they both knew was on his mind. Finally he spoke, uttering one solitary word. "Alexis." Doc nodded. "What was behind the need to run from Alexis?" "I don't know," Sonny answered reflexively. Doc sat silently, letting Sonny sort through his thoughts for a few minutes. Finally his patient spoke. "Alexis is. . .different." "In what way?" Sonny shifted uncomfortably. "She. . .she expects a lot of me." "And Carly doesn't?" "Not in the same way," Sonny replied. "How are they different?" "Carly is never really satisfied. Kind of like a spoiled child. I can accept that she's spoiled and no one can ever make her everything she wants." "And Alexis?" Sonny's brow furrowed. "Alexis. . .what she expects isn't too much. It wouldn't be too much, not from some other man. But it's too much from me." Sonny's head dropped, the shame evident in his countenance. "So Alexis' expectations aren't unrealistic. You just believe that you're not good enough to even realistic expectations?" Doc watched his patient struggle with the desire to prideful deny his shame. But in the end, the truth won out. "Yeah. I guess that's a good way to put it." "Don't let me put my words into your mouth, Sonny. If I'm off base here. . ." "No. You're not. Carly. . .she doesn't really care what kind of man I am. No matter what I do to anyone else, as long as I'd give her what she wants for herself, I'd be a king. But Alexis isn't like that. She cares about being with a man who. . .a man who is good. I knew I couldn't live up to that. I could try. But I just knew that one day she'd realize that I wasn't good enough for her. She'd be sorry she'd wasted any time on me. I'd look into her eyes, and I'd see someone who was ashamed of me." Sonny's eyes lifted again, this time glistening with brimming tears that he refused to shed. "I couldn't stand the thought of seeing her look at me like that. It's one thing to have people who don't know me think I'm garbage. I can tell myself that all they know is my reputation. Or my business identity. But the idea of having Alexis know me and look at me with disgust was just too much." "And you were certain it would happen?" Sonny's eyes dropped again. "Yeah." He paused. "The night we were. . .together. . .she had stopped me from doing something horrible. I would have done it, and not felt one bit guilty about it. She talked me out of it. And I listened to her. Not because she touched my conscience, but because I was scared to lose her. I. . .I chose her that night because I didn't want to lose her. But the next morning, even before I knew about Carly being missing, I got scared. I knew I couldn't really hold onto someone like Alexis. I wasn't good enough." "So when Carly showed up. . ." "I ran from what I was feeling for Alexis. I ran to Carly and convinced myself that this was my second chance. I made excuses for Carly so that I could go back to her. I convinced myself that she hadn't betrayed me, that someone else had pressured her into it and she had been too weak to know any better. I pushed away all of my doubts and threw myself into being with Carly. I thought I could be good enough for her, and then everything would be okay." "And Alexis?" "She'd be better off without me. And better off if it happened sooner rather than later." "So what happened?" Sonny offered a brittle, sarcastic laugh. "The usual." "Which is?" "Carly lied to me. She played me for a fool. She had faked her accident. She stayed away for weeks, knowing what we'd all be going through. And the she walked in on her own funeral faking her confusion. She faked her amnesia. She lied to me, to her mother, to her child. And I fell for it. For a while." "How did you learn the truth?" Sonny laughed again. It was a strangled laugh, full of pain and shame. "I asked my trusted friend to investigate where Carly had been while she had been so confused and vulnerable. . .to make sure that no one had taken advantage of her. Ha! What a joke." "And?" "Jason, my trusted right hand, did his investigating. And then came back and lied to me. He learned the truth, but he hid it because Carly convinced him that our marriage was working and the truth would only get in the way. Isn't that wild? The truth would get in the way. That's the best description for our 'marriage'." "How did you find out?" Doc pressed. "Jason was acting weird. Something wasn't right. There was a strange vibe between him and Carly. So I did my own investigating. I thought maybe something happened to her, like someone had taken advantage of her - raped her or something - and she was trying to protect me. . .or prevent me from killing the bastard who had hurt her. So I did me own checking. And found out the truth. I found out how stupid I had been. And that both my wife and my former best friend were lying to me." "That must have been difficult." Sonny nodded, hiding his gaze from the doctor. "But you didn't break up with her?" Sonny shook his head. "I thought about it. I wanted to throw her out right away. And I was going to do it. I thought I'd throw her out and send Jason away. I got back to the penthouse and the first thing I started to do when I got off the elevator was head for Alexis' penthouse to talk to her about it." "And?" "I remembered that she was gone." "And?" "I stood there in the hall. Frozen. I realized right then that I didn't have anyone in my life that I could trust. I'd trusted Alexis, but I turned away from her before she could turn away from me someday. I'd talked myself into trusting Carly, and it was plain then that she could never be trusted. And the man who had been my best friend before Alexis. . .I couldn't trust him anymore either. I was totally alone. And I knew that I had two choices. I could throw everyone out of my life and live as alone as I felt. Or I could go back to playing house with Carly. It wouldn't be a real marriage, but I wouldn't have to spend every day and night alone." "So you settled for something fake?" "Love doesn't work for me. I need to remember that. Every time that I forget, I get burned." Silence filled the room as two men let the words that had spoken sink in. Time ticked off of the large clock on the wall. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Finally, Sonny spoke. "I thought that Alexis was safe for a long time." "What do you mean?" asked Doc. "I was attracted to her. In a lot of ways. She's one of the finest women I've known. She is smart. That's no surprise. But she's also funny. In some ways she's very capable and independent. But there's also a part of her that feels as scared and insecure as. . ." "As part of you?" Sonny nodded. "We both had hard childhoods. She understood that part of me." "She sounds great." "She was. She is. She's beautiful. Not in a cheap way, either, but in a classy way. And she has a good heart. She cares about people. And with me, she cared by not letting me get away with anything." "And this made her safe for you? Because she cared so much?" Sonny laughed again, this time a more natural, warm laugh. "No, she was safe because I never expected her to have any kind of romantic feelings for me. I didn't think I'd run the risk of having to deal with any of that with her, no matter what my own feelings for her were. Like I said, love doesn't work for me. With Alexis, I felt safe because she'd never love me. We could be together. I could flirt with her. I even thought about having a sexual thing with her. But I knew she'd never love me, so I'd never be able to hurt her." "Do you still believe that?" Doc asked. Sonny looked up, his eyes wide and searching. "I don't know. Her sister told me that Alexis was in love with me. I couldn't get her to admit feelings for me, though, so I thought her sister was nuts. Then the night we spent together. . .no one said anything about love but. . .I felt it. I don't know if it was just me, or if I was feeling something from her, too." "And you didn't talk to her about it." "We found out about Carly that same day. And all I could think about was my guilt. Then Carly showed up. . .and you know the rest." Doc nodded. "The only thing I don't know is, how you planning to handle this when you get out?" Sonny shrugged. "Carly and I are over. And Alexis. . .she's made her life now. With her husband." "And with your child." "Yeah. But she doesn't know that I know." "And what are you going to do? What would you like to do?" "I. . .I would like to have my friend back. And I'd like to know my daughter." "What will you do to make that happen?" "Go straight. Prove that I can change. I. . .I'll have to talk to Alexis. Tell her that I know about the baby. Make sure she understands that I don't want my. . .our. . .child in danger. Apologize to her. See if we can find our friendship again. For our daughter's sake." "And you'll be happy with that?" "I can't hope for more than that. If I get to be Alexis' friend and a father to my daughter, I'll be content with that. I've already missed almost a year of my child's life. And I've missed Alexis' friendship more than I would have imagined. If I get those two things into my life, I'll be doing great." "What about love?" Sonny offered a sad smile. "I told you, Doc. Love doesn't work for me." The doctor smiled indulgently. "You know my job is to challenge an idea like that." "Yeah. Good luck," Sonny quipped. "You've done a lot of good work here, Sonny. I know we only have a few more weeks. . ." "And you're going to fix my 'inadequate sense of self worth' in a few weeks?" Sonny teased. Doc laughed. "You've been reading." "Not a lot else to do around here, Doc." The doctor nodded, then turned serious again. "I hope you keep up the work when you get out Sonny. You don't have to cut yourself off from love for the rest of your life." Sonny's head dropped. He knew that the Doc believed what he said. But Sonny didn't think that anyone could understand just how scared he was of opening up to someone who could hurt him by rejecting him. He hadn't been enough for his father to stay with the family. He hadn't been enough for his mother to take them away from Deke. He hadn't been enough for his mother to choose him and keep him home off the streets. He hadn't been good enough for Brenda. Lily had loved him, but he hadn't deserved it. He hadn't been good enough for her, either. Carly. . .that was a whole other experience. No one had to be worried about being "good enough" for Carly. There wasn't anyone who was too base or too "bad" to turn her away. And Alexis. How could he ever hope to be good enough for the woman he. . .the woman he'd grown to love in a way he'd loved no other. ***** But there was no one there to greet him. Carly was safely out of his life, making a family now with Jason. The way it should have been all along. And Sonny. . .he had the Herculean task of repairing his relationship with Alexis. And of earning her trust so that he could be a father to his child. Sonny took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. No better time to start than now, he'd learned from the Doc when he first brought Sonny into his office to address his claustrophobia. Avoidance solves nothing, and only makes things worse. ***** Alexis smiled and excused herself from the cheerful group of chatterers. The room was warm from the press of bodies and loud, ringing with the sounds of the party. Most of these social functions she managed to avoid. But this one had been organized by Ned in honor of her sister, and the proceeds were going to be used to finance several children's charities. This was one gala she felt compelled to attend. She'd made her way around the room, mingling with potential donors and various business associates of Ned's. Having made the rounds once, she was ready for a break, and a little fresh air. Alexis had nearly reached the French doors that led to the rose garden, when a hush fell over the room. Curious as to what had quieted the crowd, she turned. When her eyes met his across the room, a jolt of electricity shot through her system. Suddenly, it was if no one else was present. Surely it was the shock of seeing him there, and not the thoroughly sensual way he wore his tuxedo, that set her pulse racing and stole the breath from her lungs. She stared steadily at him, her wide brown eyes locked with his own gaze. Time seemed to stand still. How long she was frozen there she didn't know. Gradually Alexis became aware of the chatter resuming in the room around her. Whispers turned into hushed conversations, which turned into nervous laughter. Alexis felt embarrassed for him. Yet he seemed to not give a thought to the stir he was causing. Suddenly the room seemed much too small, and Alexis turned back to the French doors, slipping out into the chill of the February night. It was cold. Much too cold to be outside without her coat. But there was no way that she was going back inside to retrieve it. Sonny. Here. Damn him. Just damn him. Her life was going along so well and then. . .was it her own conscience asked. Was your life really going along so smoothly? She was married to Ned, for the moment. Their paper marriage would last no more than a few more months - six at the most - before they'd amicably part ways with no one the wiser that they'd planned it this way all along. Neither was willing to be tied up in a false marriage for the next twenty years. And it wouldn't be fair to let Hope grow up into childhood with a father - even a step-father - only to have him lost from her life. No, they would end their sham of a marriage well before Hope was two years old, leaving her with no memory of Ned sharing their life on a daily basis. By that time, the farce would have served its purpose and the gossip surrounding her daughter's paternity would be quieted. At least that was how it was supposed to work. When Sonny was arrested (thanks to another one of Carly's inferring schemes) and, in the face of incontrovertible evidence, made a deal that sent him to Pentonville for fifteen months, it seemed that his absence would only help Alexis' and Ned's plan. But from the reaction of the partygoers gathered tonight, it seemed that the release and reappearance of Sonny Corinthos would start the tongues wagging again. Damn him. And damn her own reaction to him. Alexis felt her pulse speed up again. Knowing what she would find when she turned, Alexis slowly pivoted on her heel. Sonny stepped out of the shadows, slipping his jacket from his arms as he moved toward her. Alexis watched him, her mind registering all of his movements in slow motion. As he moved to hand her the jacket, she shook her head. Her eyes were wide with what looked like fear. Perhaps it was only surprise. Either way, it set Sonny's nerves on edge - a reaction he tried to mask from her. "It's cold," he said simply as he stepped even closer and slipped the tuxedo jacket around her shoulders. Alexis shivered as his warmth, trapped in the lining of the jacket, met her skin. "That should help some," he said, his voice smooth as aged bourbon. Alexis' eyes fluttered shut as the familiar mixture of spice and musk that marked his favorite cologne filled her nostrils. She was going to pass out. Sonny felt as much as saw the slight movement as Alexis swayed slowly before him, her eyes closing softly as her balance wavered. Reacting out of instinct, he tightened his arms around her, steadying her. He looked down at her pale face, the dark fringe of her lashes lying stark against skin gone white from shock. Her plump red lips parted as a soft sigh escaped. Sonny firmed his embrace, drawing her even closer to his body. His action was motivated only in part by his desire to keep her upright. There was still that part of him that wanted to pull her close to him so that he could experience her as he had on the night that they'd created their child. Alexis' head slowly cleared, aided by the chill of the night air. As she came to herself again, she was aware of Sonny's arms encircling her, holding her close to the hard, warm wall of his chest. Her
eyes flew open, and Sonny smiled. He was about to get a taste of
her tongue, and not in the form of a kiss. She was going to read
him the riot act. And he would take it. He would listen. And then
he would talk. They would both talk. It might take a long time to
earn Alexis' trust and to heal the wounds he'd inflicted, but he
would be a part of his daughter's life. And he would get his friend
back. And maybe, just maybe, he could believe that he didn't have
to live without love after all. If it was ever possible for him
to open his heart to a woman again, he knew it would only be to
the woman in his arms right now. Ned Ashton be damned.
|
|
|
|
|