Even
her name was a secret in his world. *His*secret. "Alexis."
He mouthed it to himself now, smiling and hungry to see her, feel
her, again. He could never say her name at home, of course, and
because they were enemies as far as anyone knew, he could rarely
say her name to his associates. But despite - maybe because of -how
forbidden that single word was, he loved the sound and feel of it
on his tongue. "A-lex-is," he said silently again to himself,
drawing out the syllables as if it were an incanation, a magic spell.
And Alexis was a magic spell. She was a dark, powerful spell that
seemed to have taken control of him. Or maybe she'd always had that
hold over him, and it was only now that he'd been willing to give
into it. *Maybe -I've- had that much of a hold over -her-*, Sonny
speculated, intrigued by the thought.
He approached her apartment door with something akin to fear. Even
though they'd agreed yesterday, while making hot and desperate love
in the courthouse closet, that today they would talk, actually talk,
and settle what was going on between them, were either of them really
ready to do this? But there would never be a better time. He knew
that Alexis would pick up her daughter from the Quartermaines the
next day, so tonight was his only chance to be alone with her. Feeling
unprepared, but knowing he always felt that way when he was about
to confront Alexis, he knocked three times.
Alexis let him in without a word. When he entered, she closed the
door behind him and held out her hands for his coat. She looked
calm and resolved. She felt like a throbbing mass of gelatin inside.
*What the hell am I going to say?* she asked herself as she hung
his coat in her closet. Her inner self was bordering on hysterics.
"What are you thinking?" Sonny asked. As soon as the words
were out of his mouth, he realized it was the perpetual question.
Who ever knew what was going on in Alexis' mind? Not him, certainly.
"I…guess that's what you came here to discuss," Alexis
said, and motioned him to sit on the couch. In the same instant,
they both thought about the last time they'd been together on her
couch. "Maybe we should sit at the table instead," Alexis
suggested abruptly, and walked over to her dining table. Sonny followed,
smiling briefly over the sudden change in venue. But it was wise,
he thought: *We both know the couch isn't safe for us.*
"So," Alexis began, "have you thought about our…situation?"
They were both still wearing suits. The way they sat, so upright
and still, they could have been having a business meeting.
"I think about it all the time," Sonny said, mild insinuation
in his voice.
"Don't start with me…" Alexis warned.
"No, alright, I'll be serious. I think we're both a little
confused. And who can blame us, right?"he asked. Alexis nodded,
wholeheartedly agreeing. "I mean," Sonny continued, "we're
at each other's throats all the time, then suddenly, we're all over
each other."
"Right. And it isn't as if our feelings have changed towards
each other," Alexis said. "I mean, it's not as if we've
suddenly fallen in love or something!" She started laughing
nervously, and Sonny laughed with her, but their gazes didn't meet
and their mirth sounded a little hollow to both of them.
"It could be that…this thing happening between us…is
because of pent-up frustration. You know, repressed feelings and
all that, uh, psychobabble stuff your psychiatrist friend probably
talks about," Sonny said with a vague wave of his hand.
"What feelings do you think we're repressing?" Alexis
asked, almost afraid of what he would say.
Sonny stared at her for a moment, then said, "I think we've
held back a lot, don't you? I mean, we were lovers…"
"For *one night,* for God's sake…"
"Well, yeah, but we were friends before that. And then right
away, almost as soon as Carly came back, we were enemies…"
"We had our reasons. Don't make me go through them," Alexis
said stiffly.
"I won't, I won't," Sonny agreed. "I'm just saying,
there's a lot we might be, you know, repressing."
"Like hate? Anger? Rage?"Alexis suggested.
"Yes," Sonny said. "And hurt. Pain. Grief."
His words surprised her. "Grief at what?"
"At the loss of our…friendship. Whatever you want to call
it. Our connection. What we always had between us. Whatever we pushed
down, when we pushed each other away." Sonny was speaking a
little more honestly than he'd planned to. He risked a glance at
her, to see if she was going to dismiss his opinions out of hand.
But she wasn't.
"So…you think we're drawn to each other to, what? Get
back at each other?" Alexis asked.
"Or maybe to get back *to* each other,"Sonny offered.
"What do you mean? We can never go back - we talked about this
the other night. You'll never leave Carly, and I'm, I'm beginning
to build a future with Cameron." They both cringed, almost
imperceptibly, at the mention of their partners' names. "So
we'll never be together that way. And as for our friendship, I think
the fact that you'll never leave the mob, and I'll never stop trying
to put you behind bars for it, pretty much strikes out that option,
wouldn't you say?"
"Yeah, well, that's exactly what I mean. We can't be together
any other way but this. So maybe, that's why we chose this way,"Sonny
said.
"But why would we choose to be with each other at all?"
Alexis sounded bewildered.
Sonny considered how to answer her question. He almost felt badly
for her, that she would be in such denial. *But she always did like
to dance,* he reminded himself. So he reached his hand across the
table, laid it on top of one of her soft hands, and rubbed the sensitive
skin of her palm with his thumb. Immediately, he felt her shiver.
"Because of this," he stated simply. They sat in silence
for a few moments, just letting the attraction and desire rise up
and flow between them, as if their joined hands formed some kind
of conductor for a surging electrical current.
"But this is just lust…" Alexis protested weakly.
"Is it? I think it's more. Or at least, it is to me."
Sonny cleared his throat and leaned further forward across the wooden
surface. "Alexis, I don't know exactly what this is, but I
do know that I want you more than I've ever wanted any woman before.
Maybe it's revenge, maybe it's regret. Maybe it's just that there's
something inside me that needs you, and this is the only way that
thing can get out and show itself, is by sneaking around with you.
But I need to be with you. Do you need to be with me?"
Alexis closed her eyes at that. Of all the questions he could have
asked, that was the worst. If he'd asked if she loved him, she'd
have said no. If he'd asked if she would be happy without him, she'd
have said yes. But he'd asked if she *needed* to be with him. And
the horrible, terrifying answer to that escaped her in a hoarse
whisper. "Yes."
"Then we have to figure out a way to be together. I know it
can't be as much as we'd like, but as much as possible." Sonny
sounded so firm, so confident. But Alexis felt small and scared.
"What about Carly? Cameron? What will we be doing to them?"
She couldn't help but clutch his hand tighter as she said this.
"I didn't say it would be easy. Or good. We're going to feel
pretty bad about it, I can promise you that. But," Sonny said,
sighing, and reaching over with his free hand to caress the side
of her face with his knuckles, "I'm not going to stop seeing
you now. That's just the way it is."
"So I'll be your mistress, then? I'll just repeat my mother's
miserable fate," Alexis said, sounding defeated.
"No. I'll be your lover, and you'll be mine. We'll be in it
together. Isn't there a word for what a man is when he's a woman's
secret affair?" Sonny smiled in an attempt to shake her out
of her sadness, and it worked for a moment. Alexis smiled.
"Paramour," she supplied.
"That's it. I'll be your paramour. Come here," Sonny said,
tugging on her hand. Compelled to him beyond her will, Alexis stood
and walked over to him. He pulled her into his lap. Immediately,
their mouths came together in a series of deep, hot kisses. At last,
Sonny separated his lips and tongue from hers and said, "We'll
make each other's fantasies come true. Every one of them. And I
have so many."
"Really?" Alexis asked, then bit his earlobe gently. Sonny
sucked in his breath. He knew he'd won her over by the way she was
curled up against him like a kitten. "What kind of fantasies?"
**continued in optional nc-17 addendum on the adult board**
