Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 44

Jax became a ghost to Alexis.

For the next week, he didn't talk to her, he didn't look at her, he didn't touch her. When she tried to talk to him - to apologize, to explain, to beg - he just shook his head no. If she found him alone in a room, he left. He became a thready apparition that evaporated between her fingers when she reached for him.

Alexis wasn't sure where or whether Jax slept. He had given up his room to his mother during her stay, but after her first night there he didn't share Alexis's bed. He never even entered her room. Alexis tossed and turned, sleeping in fits, and she walked about with her hand clenched to her stomach, the dull ache in her belly growing stronger with each tense, agonizing, uneventful day. She worked at a fevered pace to distract herself, but she ran out of things to do. She almost wished Luke would show up at the door with some news about Helena, but nothing happened. She asked Lorenzo to stay away, and he did. They handled their business by phone.

For Kristina and Lady Jane and Alice, Jax and Alexis tried to put on happy faces, but no one over the age of two was fooled. Alexis was grateful for Lady Jane's presence. She kept Kristina entertained with stories and a mountain of gifts, and devotion to his mother kept Jax from turning entirely in on himself. He laughed with Lady Jane and Kristina, and it seemed to Alexis that that had to be a good thing, and she tried not to be jealous of each smile and touch they received.

Everything had changed so quickly. She could pinpoint the exact moment when she had last felt happy. It made her queasy to remember the giddy butterflies fluttering in her stomach as she said goodbye to Lorenzo at her office after their kiss, and then how abruptly the butterflies had fled, replaced by stomach-wrenching dread. She knew immediately her world had changed - not on a chance remark, not with an explosion, but with a moment of careless pleasure that couldn't be taken back. It was a terrifying and disorienting sensation.

Lorenzo saw Jax at the window, too, and wanted to stay, but Alexis sent him away and walked inside the building to face Jax and her once and almost mother-in-law alone. She hoped she might wake to find it had just been a terrible dream, or somehow turn back time, but she knew in her gut that something precious and unfixable had just been shattered by her carelessness. She was disgusted to realize that she had given no thought whatsoever to being caught, to the personal consequences of her flirtation with infidelity, to the pain it would cause her best friend.

Though she felt all of six inches tall, and looked like a drowned rat, she held her head high as she walked inside to begin to deal with the results of her unthinking and thoughtless self-indulgence. Jax met her sorry gaze, and the sadness in his eyes left her no doubt that he had seen her kiss Lorenzo, but in front of his mother, who had seen nothing, he insisted on silence. They were in the neighborhood for lunch, they explained, and thought they would stop in to sign the Jacks estate papers Alexis had waiting for Lady Jane. The three of them went upstairs to Alexis's office to attend to business, and then Jax and Lady Jane went on their way. Alexis went home early and cornered Jax in the kitchen, but when she tried to speak he pressed his forefinger to her lips, lips they both knew were last touched by Lorenzo Alcazar. "I can't talk to you right now," was all he said. He had been a ghost in their home ever since.

On Saturday morning, the third day, after Jax had left for an appointment and Emily had taken Kristina to the park, Lady Jane approached Alexis hesitantly. "Alexis, dear, I know you have work to do, but may I ask for a bit of your time? There's something I would like to discuss with you."

Alexis felt her stomach drop. "Of course. Please, have a seat."

"Would you mind terribly if we went outside? We can sit on the patio and enjoy the morning air. I find my thoughts are clearer when I can see the sky. I'll make us a nice pot of tea."

Alexis made her way out to the patio and settled into an Adirondack. A few minutes later she was joined by Lady Jane, who was carrying the antique tea service she had given to Jax and Alexis after their marriage. By the time the tea had been poured, Alexis's curiosity and nerves had both reached a simmering point.

"Well, let's see, where shall I begin?" Lady Jane stirred her tea around and around. "My dear, this visit to Port Charles isn't entirely casual, nor is it entirely due to my wish to spend time with you and your beautiful daughter. There is something that I need to tell Jax, but I'm having a terrible time doing it. I'm hoping that if I share it with you first you may be able to help him deal with it."

Alexis frowned. "I'm afraid I won't be very much help to you. I'm sure you've noticed that Jax and I aren't on the best terms right now."

"Please, just hear me out. I think perhaps what I have to say may be of some use to you as well."

"Okay," Alexis said carefully, taking a sip of her tea.

"If you will indulge me for just a little bit, I'd like to tell you a rather long and, I'm afraid, overly personal story." Lady Jane paused a long moment before continuing. "When I met John Jacks, I was involved with another man. His name was Jeffrey, and he was quite unsuitable. The thought of settling down, having a home and children, was anathema to him. He was the sort of man who caromed from one experience to the next, sucking every last bit of marrow from the bone. He lived with more passion than anyone I have ever known. And he loved me with that same passion. We had a very turbulent and very passionate relationship."

Alexis sat very still, nervous and shocked, trying to hide her discomfort at the direction the conversation was headed. She found it difficult to imagine tempering Jax's reaction to this story.

Lady Jane took a contemplative sip of her own tea and went on. "I was hiding in the garden at a party when I met John. Jeffrey and I had had some kind of a fight, and I was crying my heart out. John was handsome and charming and kind, and we became fast friends. We had a great deal in common. We talked about everything. He knew about Jeffrey, and I know he disapproved, but he was always respectful."

Lady Jane looked out at the water, her memories playing out on the horizon. "Jeffrey asked me to move to Paris with him. He was going to be a writer. I could be whatever I wanted. We would live on love and our trust funds, and we would be happy. I was scared, but tempted. My family and friends told me it would be a disaster, except for the most foolish romantics, who told me it would be a fairy tale come true. John told me neither; instead, he asked me to marry him."

Alexis stared intently at her tea, unable to look at Lady Jane.

"I said yes. I debated and I cried through many sleepless nights, but eventually I said yes. I realized that I did love John - not with the consuming passion that I felt for Jeffrey, but in a calm and sane and sustainable way. And John and I had forty wonderful years together. We raised two beautiful happy children. We had friendship and adventure and uncommon happiness."

Alexis forced a smile. "That's a beautiful story."

Lady Jane cast her eyes toward Alexis with a calm, gentle concern, and Alexis felt her cheeks growing red. "Jax told me, of course, that he asked you to marry him. And he told me about your Mr. Alcazar. I don't wish to presume, but it seems to me that there may some small parallel in our situations."

"I don't think --- " Alexis began, but she fell silent at Lady Jane's raised hand.

"I love my son very much, Alexis, and if I were speaking to you just as the woman he loves, I would end my story here. But you know you are more to me than that. I want to speak to you as I would to my daughter and tell you the rest of the story, the part I haven't shared with anyone before. May I?"

Alexis nodded mutely, tears gathering in her eyes.

"Thank you. I thought that the memory of Jeffrey would fade over time, but through forty years of marriage it never really did. I had some thought of him almost every day. Now, don't misunderstand me. I never regretted marrying John. I chose one kind of happiness. But I still wonder what would have happened had I gone to Paris. And I never forgot what it had been like to live a life consumed by passion. And sometimes I cried when I thought I would never feel that again."

"Did John know?" Alexis asked, her voice barely audible.

"I don't think so. He knew what I had walked away from when I married him, of course, but I don't think he really understood what that meant for me as a woman. And while of course you can never truly know what is in another's heart, I don't think he felt the same absence that I did. Men are simpler, I think. They seem to come in two varieties - a few passionate souls like Jeffrey, and then the rest of them, who focus their energies outward and require nothing more for their personal satisfaction than a loving companion, good sex and a hot dinner every night. Women carry that division within themselves. We are all torn, Alexis. And at one time or another, we all have to make a decision similar to the one you're facing."

Alexis shook her head. "It's not just me, Jane. It's not just what I want. It's Kristina, her father, my family. There's so much more to consider."

"I know, Alexis. I know there are many things going on with you and with Jax that I know nothing about. And as I said, I don't wish to presume. Take this however you will, and know that you are doing me a service by listening. Even at my age, a woman still carries these things inside her."

Alexis nodded. "Thank you for sharing it with me."

"There's one other thing, Alexis. A month ago I contacted Jeffrey. I had kept tabs on him over the years, and knew where to find him. We spoke, and made arrangements to meet. I'm sure you can imagine how strange it was to speak to him again after all these years, and how nervous I was about seeing him. I tried to prepare myself for disappointment - I knew he was really a stranger, that the connection between us was long dead, that my imagination had blown the seriousness of our grand passion far out of proportion. But still I was almost giddy with a kind of anticipation I haven't felt since I was twenty-five. We met in a hotel bar. When I walked in and saw him, I felt twenty-five again. It was all still there - the intensity, the attraction, the feeling that when he looked in my eyes he was seeing my soul and I was seeing his."

Alexis lost the battle to restrain her tears, and pressed her lips to the edge of the hot tea cup to absorb its warmth.

"I'm not saying that you and Jax will have forty years of happiness together, and I'm not saying that you'll never get over your attraction to Mr. Alcazar. Nobody knows. You have to make this decision blindfolded. But don't make the mistake of thinking that there is a right answer you can find if you analyze it hard enough. There are many different ways to be happy. Though I might hope you would choose happiness with my son, you have to make that choice with all of yourself."

Alexis wiped at her tears with the back of her hand, but they continued to fall. The cool morning breeze coming in over the lake chilled and numbed her wet cheeks. "I hurt him, Jane. I hurt him so much. He won't even talk to me. He can't stand to be in the same room with me. I've wrecked everything."

Lady Jane reached over and patted the back of Alexis's hand. The longed-for human contact brought another rush of tears. "He's not trying to hurt you, my dear. He just needs time to figure out how to make it right. He doesn't want to hurt you by saying something he can't take back. He will talk to you, in his own time, when he's ready. Perhaps you might make sure you're ready, too."

Alexis just bit her lip and nodded.

Lady Jane stood up and briskly gathered together the remnants of their tea. "I'll leave you to your thoughts then."

"Thank you." Alexis watched the graceful older woman leaving and smiled slightly. "Can I ask you something, Jane? Was there really a Jeffrey?"

Lady Jane did her best to look offended, but she couldn't hide a pleased smile. "There most certainly was. And is. He's taking me to Paris next week."

Alexis laughed at that, a surprised, amused laugh with a real smile that seemed to stretch the frozen muscles in her face and warm her from within. She slid down farther in the chair, wrapped her arms tightly around herself, and let her eyes drift out over the water, watching the apparitions that danced on the horizon.

chapter 45