Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 43

The rain was still falling hard as they exited the PCPD, and Lorenzo walked close beside Alexis holding an umbrella over her as they crossed the parking lot. When they reached the waiting limousine, he opened the door for her and then walked around and got in on the other side. As soon as the car started to move, Lorenzo abandoned his proper distance. He defiantly slipped his right arm around her shoulders, pulling her close, and wrapped her left hand in his. "I was worried about you," he said softly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

Against her better judgment, Alexis let herself settle into his embrace. It felt warm and safe and deliciously tingly, as pleasant and as irresistible as sinking into a featherbed. She leaned her head into his shoulder and breathed in deeply. It was all so familiar - his touch, his scent, the sensation of falling into him, the erotic resonance his nearness struck deep in her body - and her sudden awareness of how much she had missed him was almost overwhelming. "I'm sorry you were worried. I was fine, really."

"When Marcus said you never came out of the building and had just vanished into thin air, my imagination went on overdrive a bit. I didn't know what had happened."

She started to sit up. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have -- "

"Shhh." He pulled her back to him, trying to settle her head against his shoulder again. "You don't owe me an apology. I'm just telling you I was worried, and I'm relieved that you're safe. That's all."

"That's all?"

"That's all."

"You'll have to forgive me. I'm somewhat used to the men in my life treating me like a wayward child who needs to be protected where Sonny is concerned."

"Well, this man in your life knows that you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions about your safety. And I know you can handle Sonny Corinthos."

This time she did sit up, putting a bit of separation between their bodies, but she left her hand in his. "There you give me too much credit. I don't handle Sonny; I just try to survive him. This time I did."

"Was he difficult?"

"Not particularly. He was fairly pleasant, actually. Helpful, even. The situation was difficult for both of us, but we were able to keep each other calm. It's the one thing we can still do for each other."

Lorenzo caught the wistful note in her voice. "He said you talked?"

"Just to pass the time."

"Did you clear the air at all?"

She shrugged vaguely. "Not really. Maybe a little. But I did manage to keep my mouth shut, and that's enough victory for me today."

"So you aren't tempted to tell him about Kristina? You don't want to make peace?"

She shook her head. "No. If anything, I'm more certain than ever that I'm doing the right thing for my daughter."

Lorenzo was watching the casual intertwining of their fingers, but he cast a glance up at her eyes. A sadness he didn't recognize lurked in their darkness. "He still gets to you, though, doesn't he?"

Her eyes met his for an instant before he looked down. "Sonny will always get to me, Lorenzo. He is part of the little girl I love more than anything in this world, and that makes him part of me. And we were very close friends once upon a time. I will always feel the loss of that relationship when I see him."

"That's hard for me to picture. You and Sonny as friends. You're so different."

"Not so different. Not in the important ways."

"Like what?"

She shifted her gaze to the window on the opposite side as if the rain-smeared glass hid the answer. After a pause, she tried to explain. "We were both wounded children walking around in our dress-up clothes. Trying so damn hard to be adults, to convince the world that we were like everyone else, only tougher, stronger. Sonny understood things about me that no one had ever understood before." She turned back to Lorenzo and found him watching her closely. "I know you despise him, Lorenzo, but you have to understand how precious that was to me."

"Precious, but not unique." Lorenzo shifted in his seat to face her and raised his right hand to brush her damp bangs back off her face. Her eyes were beautiful and sad and telling. "Were you in love with him?"

She shook her head and looked away. "Lorenzo … "

His hand rested behind her ear, coaxing her, and his gaze was insistent. "Please. I want to understand. Were you in love with him?"

Biting her lip, she pulled her eyes back to his and nodded. "In a way, yes. It's hard not to be a little bit in love with Sonny Corinthos. But I never had any illusions about what was possible. I never imagined a future with him."

"Not even once you found out you were pregnant?"

"Especially not then. There are no fairy tales floating around in my imagination. I never deluded myself that way. What hurt me wasn't that he went back to Carly; I always knew he would. What hurt me was that he was so careless with me. He lied to himself about Carly, and he involved me in that lie. He didn't bother to protect me. I trusted him against all of my better instincts. I trusted him because he asked me to, because he was my friend, even though I knew I shouldn't, and he didn't keep me safe."

Lorenzo nodded slowly. "You must have felt terribly betrayed."

She snorted. "That' s Sonny's word: 'betrayed.' I just felt hurt."

"I'm sorry."

She gave him a crooked look. "Why are you apologizing?"

"Habit." Lorenzo smiled, somewhat bashful.

"I guess there are worse habits to have. You know, I think that's all I really want from him. A simple 'I'm sorry.' An admission of responsibility for the damage he did. I'm such a sucker, I'd probably forgive him." She shook her head. "I have to remind myself that all the vile things he does are just as much a part of the real Sonny Corinthos as the good things I remember."

"It's hard for you, isn't it?"

"What?"

"Keeping him at a distance. I never realized how hard that is for you."

"It is and it isn't. It should be harder, but he makes it easy every time I see him."

"That disappoints you?"

"Yes, I suppose it does. I know it's foolish, but I think a part of me is waiting for him to change, hoping that the Sonny I thought existed will reappear. But he's just as selfish and stubborn and arrogant as ever, and he seems to be utterly incapable of seeing the harm he is doing to his sons. He indulges that wounded child inside him, and he doesn't try to heal himself. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't try to protect my daughter from that? I know I'm doing the right thing, and I refuse to feel guilty."

Lorenzo smiled. "Good for you. While we're on the topic of the things you do for your daughter that you refuse to feel guilty about, would you like a report on Judge Farmer?"

"You have news already?"

"I do," he said proudly. "I work fast when I have to. It will take a week or so for all the formalities to be in place, but Judge Farmer will be formally censured for her handling of your case and there will be a full investigation of her involvement with Edward Quartermaine. Pending the results of that investigation, she will not be impeached, but if she chooses to continue her judicial career she will be overseeing 2 a.m. arraignments of prostitutes, drug dealers and other lowlifes. No more custody cases, no more headliners, no more involvement in your life."

"Provided I stay out of night court."

Lorenzo nodded officiously, but he couldn't suppress his pleased smirk. "In addition, any lingering question as to whether you and Kristina are still subject to the court's oversight has been resolved. Your case is officially closed. You're just like any other mom now. There will be no visits from child welfare, there will be no bureaucratic hoops for you to jump through, there will be no second-guessing of your decisions as her mother. You are free to be as good or bad a parent as anyone else."

"Wow." Alexis took a deep breath as she absorbed what Lorenzo told her. All light-heartedness was gone, replaced by a heady mix of awe, relief, gratitude and lingering disbelief. "You really made all that happen?"

"I did."

"How?"

"I can't tell you right now. All I can say is that there are people who can make this sort of thing happen with a snap of their fingers, and I happen to be in a position to make demands of them."

"And you did. I don't know how to thank you."

"That look on your face does it for me, but 'thank you' works well, too." He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it lightly.

"Thank you. Thank you."

"You're welcome. And if it wouldn't be too far out of line, may I point out that one happy consequence of all of this is that you don't have to marry Jax?"

Her smile dimmed slightly and she pulled her hand back. "Unless I want to."

"You don't want to."

"You don't know what I want."

"I have some idea."

"You know this doesn't change things, Lorenzo. I still have good reasons to marry Jax. I care about him a lot."

"You're not in love with him. Don't let fear make that kind of decision for you."

"I still have good reasons to stay away from you, too. You've dispatched one of the ogres, and I am truly, deeply grateful, but there are plenty more. We all know that Sonny will find out sooner or later, and there will be another court battle before another judge."

"Don't you believe by now that I will be able to take care of you? I won't let him take Kristina from you. And who says Sonny will go through the courts to get her? He may well come after her with guns blazing."

"He will if you're in her life."

"He may anyway. And I'll be there to stop him."

"You can't make that kind of commitment to me. To her. We've basically known each other for two weeks, Lorenzo. You've barely met my daughter. You can't step in and say you'll be there for us come what may."

"Yes, I can, Alexis. I -- "

"No, you can't. You're so damn certain about your feelings, about mine, but you don't know any better than I do what would really happen if we did this. The fact that I want you to take me to bed doesn't mean that I want you to be a father to my daughter. You can't ask me to step into the line of fire with Kristina and trust you to protect us."

The limousine came to a stop in front of her office building, and Moses pulled open the car door. Lorenzo followed Alexis out and walked with her across the plaza in front of the main entrance. Before they reached the front door, Lorenzo tugged on her arm to stop her and turn her toward him. With the rain still falling steadily, they stood too close, nestled together under the shelter of his umbrella. His free hand grasped hers.

"You're already in the line of fire, Alexis." He spoke in a low, gentle voice. "You put yourself there when you had Sonny Corinthos's child. You were born there. No matter how hard you wish for it, no matter how tight you squeeze your eyes closed, you're not going to wake up in a nice white colonial behind a white picket fence driving your white minivan to soccer practice and the PTA. You're stuck in Sonny's world. You're stuck in Helena's world. There are going to be bloody battles."

"I just can't seem to accept that."

"You have to, sweetie. And the sooner you do, the sooner you can figure out how to keep Kristina safe and happy. If you keep denying it, they're going to beat you. Their world is going to wash over you and wipe you out."

She shook her head fiercely. "I hate it. I don't want any part of it."

"I know. But you don't have a choice. And you might find it's not so bad if I'm there with you. I know this is right, Alexis. We fit."

He looked down at her so openly, so honestly, so affectionately, and his thumb traced soothing, stirring circles into her palm. She felt herself melting. Whether it was her hand or his that pulled them together, she didn't know, but somehow her mouth found his. Her lips brushed against his, more touch than kiss. As her eyes fluttered closed, she was flooded with warmth and relief and completion and peace. More than anything, it felt like touching the hand of god.

For a moment they were both still, savoring the warmth and precious intimacy of shared breath, shared skin. Their joined hands, fingers intertwining tightly, came to rest in the space between their hearts. Alexis rubbed her lips almost imperceptibly against his, and the resulting sparks sent a shudder through his body and hers, setting off a slow exploration.

The umbrella tumbled from Lorenzo's other hand as he sought her out, framing her face, cupping her head, threading his fingers through her hair, and Alexis slipped her hand around the back of Lorenzo's neck. Her lips moved over the smooth skin of his cheeks, his throat, and back to his mouth, almost dreamy and tentative and restrained in their exploration, as if she could somehow breathe him in if she were careful enough. She ran her lips back and forth across his, equally soft and pliable and hot, so easily molded to fit her own. With the first taste of the warm, wet oasis his dry lips guarded, her urgency grew, and she caught his lower lip between her teeth, tugging softly, as gentle as a murmur. His tongue danced a fiery line along the edge of her top lip, making her shiver, and her own came out to play, teasing at the corners of his mouth, stroking softly and suggestively at his warm recesses, before finally joining his in a playful mating dance. The game of chase quickly gave way to the primitive mandate to mate, and they kissed more deeply, urged on by the need to plunder and possess and consume. The promise and demand of his hard body set her ablaze, and she felt his kiss down to her toes.

When they finally pulled apart, neither of them could speak. They stood watching each other, catching their breath, eyes full of wonder and exhilaration. Their knuckles were white where they gripped each other, weak and clumsy from the need that had swept through them like a wildfire, leaving smoldering ashes in its trail, cooled now, but only slightly, by the rivulets of water streaming down their faces.

Alexis realized she was clinging to Lorenzo's neck as much for support as contact, her legs having turned to jelly, and she forced herself to let him go and step back. Breathing hard, she shook her head in awe and stunned confusion. "You do something to me, Lorenzo. I don't know what it is."

"I do." Lorenzo tried to smile, but instead he grimaced. Her body's departure from his left him agonizingly empty -- it was a powerful and bitter complement to the aching pleasure of feeling her against him. Both her presence and her absence struck deep in his bones and made his taut body throb. "It's the same thing you do to me."

"No, it's not just this. It's everything. You cloud my judgment, dull my sense of right and wrong, you make me throw caution to the wind. You make me want things so badly, when I know better than to think I can have them."

"You can have them, Alexis. You can have what you want."

"I don't know anymore." She looked up at him with dark eyes framed by shimmering drops of water. "I have to go."

"Can I --- " Lorenzo interrupted himself and looked away.

"Can you what?"

"I don't know. I was going to ask if I could see you tonight, if I could bring you dinner or something."

Alexis winced slightly. "That might be a little awkward. You, me, Jax, his mother. My etiquette is a little rusty, so you'll have to help me with the seating chart."

"I know." Lorenzo exhaled heavily. "I know it's not possible. I just want to see you. I want to spend some time with you when we're not talking about business, or Helena, and when we're not in the back seat of a car. I'd like to get to know Kristina. I'd like to hang out with you."

"Hang out? We're not dating, Lorenzo. It's not appropriate. And you're still a criminal." At his weary and pained expression, she took pity on him. "Besides," she smiled teasingly, "some of my fondest memories of the time we've spent together involve the back seats of various limousines."

Lorenzo rallied with a grin. "You have a point."

Alexis blushed slightly. "And now I really do have to go. Thank you again for Judge Farmer. It's an enormous weight off my shoulders."

"My pleasure. And I'm not done yet, Alexis. One by one, I'm going to remove all these obstacles you say are in our path. Just watch. The walls of Jericho are going to come tumbling down."

"Don't hold your breath, Gabriel."

With a dimpled smile of farewell to Lorenzo, she walked toward the revolving door at the front entrance of the building, glancing inside through the plate glass windows. Her heart stopped and her stomach plunged at the sight of the tall, blond man looking out at her from the other side of the glass, a curious, pained expression on his face. She froze in her tracks. "Oh, god. Jax."

chapter 44