Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 40

Lorenzo stood nervously at the back door of the lake house, poised to ring the doorbell. He took several slow, deep breaths that made his shoulders rise and fall, trying to calm his nerves and prepare himself for whatever he would encounter inside. He had been surprised by Alexis's phone call at noon and her almost embarrassed request that he come to the house rather than her office for their scheduled two o'clock meeting to discuss ELQ. Underneath the cool professional tone she had tried to maintain as she explained something he couldn't quite follow about Alice and bad tuna and Jax's mother and New York, her voice had been strained with everything that choked the airwaves between them, everything that made her request inappropriate and inadvisable and hypocritical to her own ears. He knew her face was wrinkled in misery at the other end of the line, but still he was grateful for the change in locale and the unexpected opportunity it offered.

Though he had deliberately shown up fifteen minutes early to try to catch her without her guard fully in place, Lorenzo wasn't sure how he would play it with Alexis - cold, hot, casual, wounded, desperate. He suspected, though, that the choice wasn't really his to make, that he wouldn't have power to choose once he was in her presence. His nerves were raw; he felt strung out, a little out of control, and utterly exhausted after yet another sleepless night haunted by the ring on her finger and bitter images of Alexis in bed with Jax.

Alexis was walking to her bedroom to change out of her casual Kristina-wear in favor of a business suit -- to don her protective armor -- when she heard the doorbell ring. A glance at her watch brought a look of annoyance to her face. She should have expected Lorenzo to show up early. It was a classic bid to seize the upper hand, a good tactic really, and one she had often used herself. She would have left him outside waiting until two o'clock or later were she not worried that another ring of the doorbell would wake Kristina from her nap and render the entire awkward visit unproductive. With a quick look down at her lunch-splattered t-shirt and jeans, she clenched her teeth and went to open the door.

Whatever was left of Lorenzo's presence of mind escaped him as the door opened and revealed a vision of Alexis he had never seen before. He quickly pulled his eyes up to her face, away from the curves her unexpectedly casual attire flattered so well, and he tried to summon the appropriate words of greeting, but nothing came out. Their flickering eyes met for just a moment before Alexis turned away, holding the door open and gesturing for him to come in.

"You're early," she said in a tight, blank voice.

"Sorry," he managed, following her in. And he was sorry. His strategy was backfiring. "I brought some coffee," he offered with a forced smile, holding up a to-go box in his hand.

"Thanks." Alexis took the box from his hand and set it on the kitchen counter. "I need a few more minutes. Can you please wait in the office?" She needed to change her clothes. She felt self-conscious, exposed, and even if there was some advantage to be gained by how thoroughly flustered Lorenzo was by her attire, no one would be well-served by the way his eyes fell on her, warming her like the rays of the sun. She led Lorenzo to Jax's office and motioned to the chair across from the desk. Lorenzo took a seat, and Alexis left without another word.

In her room, Alexis contemplated the suits in her closet, but rejected them as too obvious a crutch now that Lorenzo had seen what she was wearing previously. Instead she traded her t-shirt for a favorite peach sweater. She returned to the office and took a seat at the desk. "Thank you for meeting me here," she said, shuffling the papers on the desk in front of her to avoid meeting Lorenzo's eyes. She remembered vividly the harsh words she had leveled at him the previous day about coming to her home. "My nanny had to go home sick and I couldn't find anyone to cover."

"The life of a working mother," Lorenzo said, trying an understanding smile. "It's not a problem. For me at least."

Alexis looked up sharply at his last words and opened her mouth to respond. She closed her mouth again and shook her head. She didn't want to reopen any of their discussion from the day before. She just wanted to get this ELQ business over with. "I just put Kristina down for her nap. We should have plenty of time. Did you look over my mark-up?"

Lorenzo nodded. "It looked great. I agree with all the changes you've requested from ELQ. You seem to have an excellent understanding of my business needs."

Alexis bit back the sarcastic comment that sprang to her lips about her experience with criminal enterprises. "Good. Then we can just go over the open business points."

For the next hour they went back and forth on the list of issues Alexis had drawn up. She guided the discussion with perfect efficiency, never straying, never lingering, eliciting the information she needed from Lorenzo with a minimum of eye contact. She was cool and professional -- he would have said icy and brusque - and before long she set her legal pad down on the desk and rose from the chair. "I think that covers everything. I'll make the changes we've discussed, and we can send the bid to ELQ first thing in the morning."

Lorenzo reluctantly stood as well. "If you're sure that's everything … "

Alexis walked to the door and opened it. "Yes, I'm quite sure it is. And if I do need anything else, I'll call you."

Lorenzo followed her out of the office. She moved at breakneck speed toward the kitchen and the back door. "You're moving well," he called after her. "How is the ankle healing?"

"Quite well, thanks." She didn't even look back.

Lorenzo spotted the forgotten coffee on the counter as they entered the kitchen. "Guess you didn't need the coffee. Is it too late for a cup?"

"I've had enough, thank you. You take it." She pulled open the back door and turned toward him to grind through the last rituals of departure. Just a few more seconds, a few more words, and he would be gone. It would be over. "Thank you again for coming by the house." Her eyes didn't quite meet his - they focused somewhere around his chin - and she tapped her front teeth together in a sign of nervous impatience.

"It was no problem." Lorenzo stood still by the counter, purposefully ignoring the open door. "I hope your nanny recovers quickly."

"I hope so, too." She stood with her back against the edge of the door and her hands behind her back holding on tight to the doorframe. "Bad tuna, I think."

"Did you say Jax went to visit his mother?"

She squinted as if the question, or maybe just Lorenzo's continued presence, bewildered her. "No. He went to pick up his mother. She'll be visiting."

"To celebrate your engagement?"

Her eyes were down at his shoes now, but she could hear the resentment in his voice. "Just a visit. There's a lot I need to do before she gets here, so … " She gestured toward the open door.

Lorenzo cracked a smile. "Are you throwing me out?"

Alexis sighed wearily and her shoulders slumped down. "Of course I'm not, Lorenzo." Her tone was dark and bitter. "But our business is finished, and what I am doing is asking you to leave."

Lorenzo hesitated a moment. He could respect her wishes and go quietly as he had been for most of the past two weeks, or he could follow Luke's advice. There wasn't much left to lose. "I can't do that," he said finally. "I need you to talk to me, Alexis. I need a better explanation. Please. Just one cup of coffee. Talk to me and then I'll go."

The unexpected resistance -- the variation from the polite rituals of departure, the quiet but urgent plea -- forced her to finally look at Lorenzo. She was taken aback by the strain on his face. Though he was as well-dressed and polished as usual, he looked terrible -- there was a weary, slightly desperate look in his eyes, dark circles, more pronounced lines etched into his face. Had she done that to him? She knew she had treated him abominably, with her muddled messages and changes of heart, but she thought he could take care of himself - as if somehow the fact that he was a criminal protected him from the harm she could inflict. The longer she looked, the farther she felt herself falling into his familiar blue eyes, and a part of her wanted to wrap her arms around him and soothe his pain.

"Please, Alexis," Lorenzo urged. "There's too much that's unfinished between us."

Letting out a heavy sigh, Alexis squeezed her eyes closed for a moment and shook her head. I know I'm going to regret this. She took a small step forward and pushed the door closed behind her. "One cup of coffee. I'll explain what I can."

*****

"It's a beautiful day," Lorenzo said as he joined Alexis outside on the patio. He handed her an oversized mug of coffee and settled down in the Adirondack chair next to her.

"Mm-hmm," she agreed. She gave an odd look to the enormous vessels he had unearthed from somewhere deep in the kitchen cabinets, but her only comment was a slightly raised eyebrow. "A perfect spring day, I think. Definitely a top ten." The dazzling sunlight and fresh piney air seemed to drain some of the tension from her shoulders, and the warm cup of coffee in her hands melted some of her ice. With her senses tingling so pleasantly, it was difficult to remember not to enjoy Lorenzo's company.

"There's something very Mediterranean about that sky," Lorenzo said idly. "That deep, cloudless blue." He regretted his casual comment immediately as he saw a brief wave of sadness wash over Alexis's face.

She took a sip of coffee and nodded wistfully. It was a very Mediterranean sky, and the realization flooded her with vague sense memories - the pleasurable sensations of warm sun and sand and bare skin tainted by the pervasive fear that lived as a cold, metallic ache in her belly. "We had breakfast on the patio this morning."

She said it as if it were meaningful, as if breakfast were somehow connected to his comment about the Mediterranean sky, but Lorenzo didn't understand why. "Did you?" he said, for lack of a better response, hoping to encourage whatever story or explanation she was turning over in her mind.

"Mm-hmm. Kristina could barely eat she was so distracted by the ospreys. The daddy bird was putting on quite a fishing demonstration."

"Did it bother her? The fish meeting their maker?"

Alexis shook her head slowly and frowned. "No. Not the fish." She paused, debating whether to continue. She wasn't sure why she wanted to share the story with Lorenzo, except that somehow she knew he would understand, and in doing so perhaps help her to understand. "Not the fish. But then we saw the most astounding thing."

Alexis looked out at the channel marker, remembering, and Lorenzo followed her gaze as if he could see the scene play out there, too. Alexis took a sip of coffee and continued. "The male osprey caught a fish - a long silver fish - and carried it back to the nest to feed the female, but somehow the fish wriggled free and fell into the nest. The female had to move off the eggs to get the fish, and in those few seconds a crow swooped in and took one of the eggs. It happened so quickly, and then this shiny black crow was flying off with a big pink egg in its talons. I've never seen anything like it - it was gorgeous and hideous all at once. The ospreys screeched for a little bit, and then went back about their business."

Lorenzo was trying not to watch Alexis too closely, but he was fascinated by her fascination with the ospreys. "Did Kristina see it?"

Still looking out at the water, Alexis nodded. "The crow landed right over there. One tap of its beak, and the egg was crushed. Kristina saw all of it."

"Did she understand what happened?"

"Enough to know it was bad, I think. She was stunned at first, trying to process what she had seen, and then her eyes got really big and her lips did this little pouty shaky thing she does when she's about to cry. I think she was mad at me - like 'Why didn't you tell me that was going to happen, mommy? Why did you show me the birdies at all?' And then Jax said something silly, distracted her, and the moment passed, and she was happy again."

"Resilient little girl." Lorenzo watched for Alexis's reaction out of the corner of his eye, and he saw her frown.

"You think that's resilience?"

Lorenzo didn't answer. "What do you think?"

"I'm not sure. A part of me was angry with Jax." Alexis licked her lips nervously at the admission.

"For not letting her be sad?"

"I think so. And I know it's ridiculous. I know I should be grateful that he made her feel better. I should be grateful that he's teaching her to be cheerful and optimistic and happy. It's just so very un-Cassadine."

Lorenzo gave a half-smile. "I thought you wanted your daughter to be free of the dark side of the Cassadine legacy."

"I do. I'm not convinced it's possible, but I do. And I do want her to be cheerful and optimistic and happy. It just seems to me that sometimes a person should feel sad. There are things worth crying over. I wanted to cry about that little bird." She peeked over her shoulder at Lorenzo. "I know it sounds cruel, but I think I wanted Kristina to cry about it, too."

Lorenzo met her gaze and shook his head softly. "It doesn't sound cruel at all, Alexis. You want her to experience the full range of human emotion. You want her to understand that it's okay to feel sad, and if she can learn that lesson from something essentially inconsequential, all the better."

Alexis nodded, gaining confidence from Lorenzo's reassurance. "And I want her to understand that you can feel sad, and life goes on. That no matter how awful you feel, you can keep going if you keep putting one foot in front of the other. To me, that's resilience." She couldn't help but think of how devastated Jax had been in the wake of Brenda's presumed death and learning of his family's deceit. For all of his positive thinking, Jax had had no idea how to take the next step when his world truly fell apart.

"She'll learn that from you, Alexis. You're the most resilient person I know."

Alexis rolled her eyes and almost smiled. "Maybe I ought to hold off on that particular lesson for a while. It's a little weighty for a one year-old."

Lorenzo grinned. "Yeah, I think you have time."

Alexis took a sip from her enormous mug and leaned her head back in the chair, letting the comfortable silence linger. After a minute, she sat up a bit and shook her head nervously. "I don't mean to suggest that Jax is some blithe fool smiling his way past misfortune. He understands pain. He's just the most positive human being I've ever met, with the possible exception of his parents. If he can share that with Kristina, she'll be the better for it. It's just a little foreign to me." She rested the mug on her thigh and watched the coffee swirl around. "Maybe it's just egotism. Maybe I'm afraid she won't be enough like me, and I won't understand her. Or she won't understand me." Her free hand knocked absently on the wood armrest between them.

Lorenzo smiled and shook his head. "Nah. Given her genetic heritage, I don't think you need to worry that Kristina won't be able to understand a dark thought or two."

Alexis laughed, a soft, wry laugh that turned into a smile, and Lorenzo breathed a sigh of relief. "I can't tell you how much I've missed that smile." He wrapped his hand around hers.

The smile faded quickly as Alexis realized what she was doing - sharing intimacies with Lorenzo Alcazar again. She pulled her hand back from his, and immediately felt the loss of his heat. "I'm sorry," she said, a pained look darkening her face. She shook her head. "I shouldn't be talking to you like this."

Lorenzo sighed and stared regretfully at the place where her hand had been. "So I take it you see Jax as a permanent influence on Kristina's life?"

Alexis set her mug down on the ground and turned in her seat to face Lorenzo. "If you're asking whether I've responded to his proposal, no, I haven't. But you need to understand something, Lorenzo. Whether or not I accept Jax's proposal, I'm not going to be with you. I agreed to a cup of coffee because you deserve a better explanation, not because anything has changed. I'm sorry if I misled you again."

Lorenzo closed his eyes. "Tell me what happened this weekend, Alexis. Tell me what I can do to fix it."

"You can't fix it, Lorenzo. It's not some misstep you've made. I'm not angry with you. I'm not disappointed or upset or jealous or hurt. I'm just seeing things clearly for the first time in much too long. What I said the other day was true. I do like you, Lorenzo. I don't know why, I don't want to, but I do. I like talking to you, and I like spending time with you, and god knows I like it when you touch me, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I want or what I wish could happen. I can't have it."

When Lorenzo opened his eyes again, he looked as worn out as she had ever seen him. "Don't you get tired of fighting yourself, Alexis? Don't you ever get tired of fighting against what you want? Against what feels right?"

She laughed again, bitterly this time. "Yes, I do. I get very tired. I am so damn tired. But it doesn't matter. I'm fighting for my daughter, Lorenzo, every single day, and I can't afford to sleep no matter how tired I get. I can't close my eyes to who you really are anymore."

"And who is that? Who am I really?"

"An arms dealer, Lorenzo. And other even more objectionable things." She hesitated a moment, and then stood up. "There's something I should show you."

She walked across the patio to the door and went inside. Lorenzo stood, unsure whether to follow, but when she didn't immediately reappear he followed her in. He found her in her bedroom, standing next to the nightstand on the other side of the bed holding a pile of papers in one hand as if she couldn't bear to have them too close to her body. He paused in the doorway, and she looked up at him.

"Here," she said, tossing Jax's report on the bed. "You told me yesterday I was being too cryptic. Maybe that will be clear enough for you." Biting her lip, she sank down into a white stuffed armchair by the window.

Lorenzo stepped into the room and gingerly picked up the stack of paper from the bed. He opened the report and looked at his name and picture on the first page. "What is this?" He flipped through several more pages. "What the hell is this?"

"You had this report prepared?"

"No. Jax did."

"Of course. Why doesn't that surprise me?"

"Jax was looking out for me. He has my best interests at heart."

"I think he may have done this with more than a passing concern for his own interests, Alexis." Lorenzo sat down on the edge of the bed with his back to her and continued looking through the report, surveying the damage.

"It doesn't really matter why he did it, does it? Tell me something, Lorenzo. When I helped you out with Mr. Bhaskara the other night, did I do something - however small -- to help set in motion what happened in Indonesia on Saturday? Or something similar that might happen in the future?"

Lorenzo looked up from the report but didn't turn around. "No," he said firmly. "Not directly."

"'Not directly'? That's really not the kind of qualification I like to hear."

"The people I deal with didn't do that. It's not inconceivable, though, that the weapons used could ultimately be traced back to channels of distribution that I am involved with."

"Terrific."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Alexis. Neither did I."

"Nothing illegal, maybe. That doesn't mean it isn't wrong."

"Where did Jax get this?"

"The government's dossier came from a friend of mine who works at State. A law school classmate who has helped us out before."

"And the rest?"

Alexis didn't answer.

"Corinthos?" When she didn't deny it, he snorted. "Figures." Lorenzo glanced at the last few pages of the report, and then tossed it down on the bed. Her bed. As close as he was going to get. He rubbed his palms roughly against his cheeks, and then he stood and walked around to the side of the bed near her and sat down again in front of her with his elbows resting on his knees. He looked up into her face. "Was there something in there that surprised you?" he asked.

Alexis shrugged. "Not really. It just brought into focus the fuzzy image I had."

"You think that report is me."

"Isn't it? Is it wrong?"

"It isn't all I am."

The intensity on his face made her reach out and touch the back of his hand. "I know that, Lorenzo."

"Is that what you see when you look at me?"

Alexis shook her head slowly. "No. I try to make myself see only that. But I don't see a feared international arms dealer when I look at you any more than I see your brother. I can't help but see something very different, and that's what makes this so difficult."

"What do you see, Alexis?" He was pushing, and he took her left hand in his to keep her with him.

"I see a man who is surprisingly warm and funny and exceedingly patient -- with me at least. A man with such abundant strength and confidence that it seems to wear off on me - "

Lorenzo interrupted softly. "I love that I make you strong, Alexis."

Alexis swallowed tightly and moved on. "A man who can do dark and cynical like a Casssadine, yet who is brave and generous with his heart. A man with a soul --"

"A man who sees your soul, Alexis." He was squeezing her hand so tightly that it almost hurt. His other hand reached up to brush at a stray piece of hair on her cheek and lingered behind her ear. "A man who adores you, and wants nothing more than to make you feel every exquisite thing a human being can feel."

Alexis felt the moisture pooling in her eyes, but she made no effort to fight back the tears. "A man whose professional activities are unacceptable to me. A man who, despite his extraordinary efforts to protect me and my daughter, is himself a threat to our safety and happiness." Her tone left no doubt that the last items were dispositive.

Lorenzo tipped his head at the report on the bed behind him. "So this stack of papers here, that's what it comes down to?" His fingers trailed down her jaw and fell away.

"I'm afraid so."

Lorenzo nodded. "And that was it? That's what happened over the weekend?"

"It was a big part of it."

"Tell me the rest."

And so she did. She told him everything about Sonny and Carly and how frightened she was of the way Sonny would react when he found out about Kristina. She told him about Judge Farmer's warnings and her fear of another battle with the Quartermaines. She told him again about the warehouse explosion and her fear of that kind of violence taking another loved one from her.

"It's not just moral qualms about what you do for a living or the way you conduct your life. I need to protect my daughter, Lorenzo, and I need to prepare myself for the next custody fight, whether it's with Sonny or the Quartermaines. Judge Farmer has made it clear how she would view your involvement in my life. You are poison for me, Lorenzo. And you're red meat for Sonny. If you're in the picture at all, he's going to come after me twice as viciously."

"From what I understand, he's no fan of Jax either."

"No, but his objections to Jax are personal and historical and not very valid. And as much as I hate having to care what that condescending bitch thinks, Judge Farmer has decided that Jax is just the kind of upstanding and stable influence Kristina and I need. Any court would look positively on our remarriage."

Lorenzo held the fingers of her left hand lightly and studied her new ring. "So your engagement is a ruse?"

"In a way, yes. For now, I'm wearing the ring for appearances. But the proposal is quite serious. It was prompted by the clumsy way I handled Judge Farmer's interference, but if I say yes, it will become a real engagement. It will be a real marriage, Lorenzo."

Lorenzo frowned and shook his head. After a moment he brought her hand to his lips and placed a kiss on the back of her hand. "Please don't marry him, Alexis. You've got to give me a chance."

"A chance for what, Lorenzo?" All of her weariness with the situation was carried in the question.

"A chance to convince you that you belong with me. To fix what's wrong."

Alexis pulled her hand back once again. "You don't get this, do you? I don't have to give you a chance, Lorenzo. I just don't. It's my decision. I know it seems unfair to you. I know it seems unfinished. But whatever it is we started here is over. There will be no more. I'm sorry." She stood up and stepped over his feet to walk around the bed and leave the room. Lorenzo followed her into the kitchen.

"Why haven't you given Jax an answer yet?"

Leaning against a counter, Alexis pressed her bottom lip between her teeth as she considered the question. "Because I don't have one yet. Because I'm not ready to say yes, and I don't want to say no."

As the words hung in the air, issuing waves of implication, the phone on the counter rang. Alexis jumped to answer it before another ring ended Kristina's nap prematurely. The content of the conversation was impossible for Lorenzo to discern, but by the time Alexis hung up her face was grim.

"That was the scientist friend I told you about. He took a look at the pictures Luke took on Helena's yacht - the lab notes and such. He confirmed what we suspected. It's some sort of cloning project."

"He's certain?"

Alexis nodded. "He recognized some of the names as being associated with a French medical group that's been in the news lately claiming to be close to cloning a human." She laughed in a sick, disgusted way. "Maybe I'm getting a new baby brother."

chapter 41