Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 39

"Go away," Luke grumbled loudly, more to himself than to whoever was pounding on the front door of the club. He was sitting behind his beat up old desk in the back office at Luke's Place, glued to his computer, going over surveillance photographs from Helena's yacht. The banging continued for a full minute. Finally Luke stood up, muttering under his breath, and went to check on the noise. "Buzz off," he yelled through the front door. "We're closed Mondays."

"Luke, it's Lorenzo. Let me in." Lorenzo pounded again, and the metal door shook in its frame.

Luke unlocked the door with several loud clicks and pulled it open. "What do you want?" he asked, eyeing Lorenzo warily. Lorenzo looked surly and despondent, like a storm cloud about to break.

Lorenzo pushed his way inside, ignoring the annoyance on Luke's face. "I want a drink." He walked to the bar and took a seat on a stool. "Whiskey."

Luke watched Lorenzo for a moment, his mouth open in feigned shock, but then his curiosity over what had set Lorenzo off won out. Luke walked behind the bar and picked up two glasses and a bottle. "This okay?" he asked, holding up the bottle.

Lorenzo looked at the label with some disgust, but he shrugged. "Fine. It doesn't matter."

Luke set the glasses down on the counter and poured. Before the second glass was full, Lorenzo had picked up the first glass and drained it. "Trouble?" Luke asked with a raised eyebrow, refilling Lorenzo's glass.

Lorenzo snorted in disgust. "Yeah, I got trouble." He finished off his second drink in one swallow.

"Girl trouble?"

"Is there any other kind?"

"Sure." Luke leaned against the bar and settled in to watch Lorenzo. "There's money trouble. There's deal-gone-bad trouble. There's legal trouble. There's girl-wasn't-legal trouble. And then there's lawyer trouble. I'll bet you got some of that lawyer girl trouble."

Lorenzo stared down at his empty glass. "She doesn't want anything to do with me, Luke."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"Must have done something."

Lorenzo shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. I really don't know. On Friday we were fine. Really fine. I thought she was finally ready. And she seemed happy about it. But then today she's cold as ice. Like a goddamn glacier moved in when I wasn't looking. She doesn't want me near her or her daughter unless it's business."

Luke frowned and shook his head. "Sorry, man," he said, genuinely sympathetic. "Sounds like something spooked her. You know, she's like one of those Arabian horses -- beautiful, graceful, spirited, but high strung. She spooks easy."

"I guess. I just wish I knew what it was."

"Can't you figure it out? Use those brain cells before you drown them. Doesn't seem that hard to me."

"What do you mean?"

Luke pursed his lips. He considered ribbing Lorenzo for being obtuse, but the man was so lost that it seemed unfair. "Well, her family may be loonier than a Canadian bank, but basically Ms. Davis is pretty establishment. You, my friend, are not, despite your high-falutin' degrees. You wouldn't really fit in at the ladies' cotillion or bar association banquet."

"She got involved with Corinthos."

"Yeah, and look what it cost her. You think she doesn't regret that? Her friends gave her nothing but grief about Sonny. Ashton drew a line in the sand and walked away. Listen to the news sometime. You'd think her first name was 'former mob attorney'. Her sister died because of Sonny and your brother, and then she damn near lost her daughter. She's just starting to get her life back together, Lorenzo. Why would she want to go through all that again?"

Lorenzo shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment. "Of course she wouldn't. You think I should give up?"

Luke shrugged in a non-committal way. "I think there would be something wrong with her if she weren't spooked by you. And what about your brother? You really think you two can get past that?"

"I thought we had. Obviously the situation is … " Lorenzo searched for the right word. "… A little weird. But I don't blame her for what she did. I'm handling my family, my guilt. And I don't think she blames me for what happened to her sister. She knows I'm not my brother."

Luke shook his head, squinting skeptically, not quite buying it. He tapped his temple. "Maybe in the rational part of her head she knows that. But do you really know what happened in that hotel room when Luis took a flying leap? I don't. Alexis isn't a natural born killer, Lorenzo. Helena sliced open her mother's throat, put Alexis through god knows what torments her entire life, but it still took a whole lot of goading from me and an imminent threat to get Alexis to do anything about Helena. Your brother must have really done a number on her. She must have been terrified out of her mind. You think seeing your face isn't going to bring some of that up?"

Lorenzo looked away, nodding. He wanted to throw a glass, break something, but he resisted the urge. "What am I supposed to do about that, Luke?"

Luke shook his head. "There's not much you can do, I guess. Just understand where she's coming from. She has every reason in the world to want to stay away from you. Frankly, I'm surprised you got as far as you did."

Lorenzo ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "It's not far enough. I want her, Luke. I want all of her. And I think I might die if I can't have her."

Luke held up a restraining hand. "Whoa. Down, boy. You got it bad, huh? Be careful. If the thug life and shiny suits don't scare her off, that kind of talk will."

"But it's how I feel. And maybe she needs to hear it. I've been playing it pretty cool. I keep walking away when she tells me to go. I keep waiting for her to come to me. But she's got Jax there, and he's safe and familiar. I can't compete with that. If it's about her being comfortable, then I can't win."

Luke tipped his head to the side as he thought about what Lorenzo said. "Yeah. You're probably right," he nodded. "Patience ain't gonna do you a damn bit of good. Listen, I think Jasper Jacks is a pompous Aussie ass, but she likes him. He's an upstanding citizen. Good friend. The ladies at the ladies cotillion will just eat him up. He seems to make her happy."

"Are you saying I should back off? Just let her go be happy with Jax?"

"No, I'm saying that you better be sure you can make her happy. Ask yourself why she should want you. What can you offer her that he can't - besides danger and a super-sized dose of personal and professional alienation? And if you really think she'd be better off with you - never mind how badly you want her -- you need to fix whatever it is that spooked her about you. Quick. And if you don't want her to slip away to Jax, don't back off. Get in her face. Natasha needs a little push now and then. I'm not saying you should stalk the girl. But if you just leave them alone, she'll be gone before you know it."

Lorenzo nodded, absorbing Luke's advice. "We're supposed to meet tomorrow afternoon to talk about this ELQ deal."

"Nah. I can do better than that. Come on." Luke headed back to the office and waved to Lorenzo to follow him.

"What are we doing?"

"We've got a little more leg work to do, and then we're going to pay a late night call on the Davis-Jacks household."

Lorenzo followed Luke into the back office and sat down on the couch. "Why are you helping me, Luke?"

Luke was already at his computer and didn't look up. "I don't like seeing you so pathetic. Gives me the creeps."

"Seriously, Luke. I know how much you care about her. Why do you want me to have a shot?"

Luke looked up from the computer and thought about the question. "Oh, I don't know. I told you once before, Natasha is kind of a hobby of mine. And I don't really think she's cut out for the quiet domestic life that Ms. Davis thinks she wants. I have this romantic notion that maybe you're just the guy who can help Natasha bloom."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

Luke's attention returned to the computer screen, and he moved the mouse around as he spoke. "Besides, I owe you, right? If you get the girl, we'll call it even. And I won't ever have to listen to you whine about my unpaid debt again. Deal?"

Lorenzo considered the offer for a moment. "Well, since you have absolutely no intention of ever making good on your debt in kind … sure. Deal."

Luke pressed a button on his keyboard, and the printer behind him began to whir. "One leggy lawyer in lieu of a Muddy Waters 1963 Guild Thunderbird. Coming right up."

*****

"I'm sorry about dinner, Alexis." It was almost ten o'clock on Monday night, and they lay naked in Jax's bed. Jax was on his back, and Alexis was wrapped around him, her head resting on his chest. "And this. And everything." Jax's voice was muffled against her hair, but the quiet self-criticism in his voice was unmistakable.

Alexis lifted her head and looked at him in surprise, finding the post-lovemaking glow on his face marred by a slight scowl. "What on earth are you sorry about, Jax? Dinner was lovely. This was lovely."

Jax's eyes crinkled skeptically, and his frown deepened. "Dinner was warmed over takeout from a place you associate with work, and this was … well … one-sided."

Alexis sighed and shook her head in a fond, exasperated, 'what am I going to do with you' sort of way. "This was lovely. Dinner was lovely. Don't be so hard on yourself. I am perfectly content." She rested her head on his chest again, and her fingers resumed their casual exploration of all the tender places on his hip and stomach.

"You have to admit it was hardly perfect."

Alexis looked up at him again. "I don't have to admit anything. Surely someone told you somewhere along the line that the journey can be very enjoyable without reaching its destination."

"Yeah, and it sounds like a crock to me."

"Well, it isn't." She rolled over onto her back, lying next to him, feeling the heat of his body warming her from shoulder to toe. "I think you need more realistic expectations, Prince Charming."

"To hell with realism. I want to take you over the moon." Jax rolled onto his side to face Alexis. "You really didn't even let me try. Why did you push me away?"

Alexis shrugged slightly and pointed to her temple. "It's a mental thing, Jax, and my mind is a mess right now. It's been a difficult day - with several lovely, perfect moments, mind you -- but my brain is on overdrive."

"So why not let me try to relax you?"

Alexis shook her head. "Because neither one of us needs the pressure right now. I don't want to disappoint you."

"You never disappoint me, Alexis. You're one happy discovery after another. Who knew there was a wanton sex goddess hidden away in there?" His teasing grin brought a bashful smile to her face as well. "It's hard for you to let go, isn't it? To let me lead?"

"You know this about me, Jax," Alexis said a bit uncomfortably, rolling away from him and sitting up, taking the sheet with her. "I have control issues. I'm really not comfortable being passive. You don't need to make this or dinner or anything else perfect for me."

Jax sat up behind her and reclaimed some of the sheet. "But I want to. I can't help it. You know this about me. I want to give you perfect, Alexis - perfect dinner, perfect proposal, perfect sex.

Alexis shook her head. "The little girl down the hall wouldn't have liked that very much." She settled back into Jax a bit, tucking her shoulder under his chin. Jax wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer still. "Both she and I had a wonderful evening from the moment you walked in the door - with the exception of our visit with Judge Dredd. It was a really nice evening, from dinner to bed. Please let's just enjoy it." She brushed her cheek softly against the side of Jax's face.

"Nice?" Jax pulled back and gave her a wounded look.

"Yes, nice. It's not a dirty word." She reached up and pulled his head back down to her, and then she wrapped his arms more tightly around her waist.

"I'm sorry," Jax said, nuzzling the warm space behind her ear. "It's just that you tell people you fell in love with your best friend, and they think, 'how nice.' They think you've found something warm and safe and comfortable. Nice. But being with you is not 'nice' to me, Alexis. It's a hell of a lot more than that. Being with you is exciting and intoxicating and distracting." Jax's hand moved up to her cheek and coaxed her head back toward him, and he captured her mouth in a warm, fervent kiss. When he released her, he left his eyes closed and let his fingers trail down along her neck. With a touch of shyness, he tipped his head down, resting his forehead against her hair. "I've discovered a whole new world with you, Alexis, this amazing world I didn't know was there. I want to take you someplace you've never been before, too."

Alexis's hand found the back of Jax's head, and she pulled him to her for another kiss. She left her hand loosely wrapped around his neck and looked back at him with warm, affectionate eyes. "I know, and I love you for it. And you do, Jax. You do."

"How?" he asked softly, needing to know the answer, needing to believe it was true.

Alexis turned around, sitting back on her heels face to face with Jax, the sheet forgotten, oblivious to her own nakedness. Taking his hands, she clasped her fingers around his, and she thought for a moment. "I'm a grown woman, Jax. And I'm a woman of the world. I've been around, in a manner of speaking. I've eaten at the very best restaurants, the ones that make you understand that cooking is as much an art form as any other. I've been to the great opera houses and concert halls and museums and been transported by works of transcendental genius. The masterworks of western civilization? Read them all. I've admired the crumbling stone ruins of Ancient Greece and the striving steel curves of Bilbao. I have seen some of the very best that human beings have done. And I have seen some of the worst."

Jax's face was full of intense but illegible emotion as he listened. Alexis pulled his hands to her, and together they rose up onto their knees. Her posture was ramrod straight, and her body traced a long graceful line from head to knee as she looked him square in the eyes, willing him to feel the honesty and sincerity and love in her words.

"You probably won't serve me the best meal I've ever had, Jax, and I could probably teach you a thing or two about appreciating culture. But you know what? Food is just fuel; any dinner I don't have to cook is a good dinner. And music and art and books are just exercise for the mind and spirit. You have taken me someplace I've never been before, Jax. You have taken me to a place where my heart is safe, where I am safe." She shrugged. "Paris really isn't that romantic when you're alone."

Jax looked at her for a long moment, squeezing her hands tightly and fighting back his own tears, and then he raised his hands to her head, cradling her face gently and slipping his fingers into her soft hair. His thumb brushed away a single tear that fell down her cheek. Jax opened his mouth as if to speak but no words came out, and instead he lowered his lips tenderly to hers and kissed her slowly and sweetly. Her hands wrapped around his back and she held tightly to him, pressing her body to his as he kissed her. Finally Jax pulled back, and he leaned his forehead against hers. "Thank you," he whispered.

A soft smile touched her face. "Thank you."

They kissed again, and eventually Jax lowered her down onto the bed, and somehow her head landed on her pillow. He began to make love to her, passionate and determined in his devotion to perfection. She tried hard to let him, to let herself get lost in the lovely touch of his hands and his lips and his skin, and she tried hard to quiet the worries and doubts and commentary erupting in her brain. For a moment she thought she might actually succeed, but then the doorbell rang, shattering her concentration. She groaned.

Jax looked up, annoyance marring his almost angelic face. "Dammit," he sighed. He grabbed the comforter and pulled it up over their heads, trying to shut out the world. "Ignore it. Whoever it is will go away."

The doorbell rang again. "We can't ignore it, Jax," Alexis said, pushing the comforter away and sitting up. "It could be important. They'll just keep ringing and wake up Kristina. And then where will we be?"

Jax took a deep, frustrated breath, exhaling heavily, but he nodded in resignation. "I'll go check," he volunteered. "You stay here." He sat on the side of the bed and slipped on a pair of pajama pants, and then headed to the kitchen.

When he opened the backdoor, Jax found Luke standing there with a ghoulish grin on his face. Over Luke's shoulder, several steps behind, was Lorenzo, arms crossed and glowering as he took in Jax's attire. Jax looked back and forth between the two men. "Did something happen?" he asked.

Luke shrugged as if he had no idea what Jax was talking about. "Nope."

"Then what the hell are you doing here?"

Luke looked taken aback. "Why so unhappy to see us? Did we interrupt something?"

"As a matter of fact, yes, you did." Jax's eyes were on Luke, but his words were spoken loudly enough to make sure Lorenzo heard. Lorenzo shifted his weight from one foot to another, but nothing else gave away the bitterness pooling in the pit of his stomach.

Luke looked Jax up and down. "We need to have a word with Natasha. Is she around?"

"Alexis is in bed. Why do you need her?"

Luke held up a yellow envelope. "Got some snapshots to show her. Old dude visiting Helena's yacht. Maybe she'll recognize him."

Jax glared at Luke, then Lorenzo for a moment. Finally he stepped aside. "Fine. I'll get her. You two wait in the living room."

As Jax led them through the kitchen into the living room, Alexis came down the hallway from the bedroom. She stopped at the entrance to the living room, hands on her hips, quietly surveying the visitors, trying to subdue her nerves. She had thrown on the jeans and blouse she had been wearing earlier in the evening, and her hair was back in a messy ponytail.

Jax looked up and saw her. "Look, we have company, darling," he said facetiously, walking over to her. She took a step into the living room, and Jax placed one hand on her hip as he gestured with the other.

Alexis gave a tight smile, vividly conscious of Lorenzo's eyes boring into her from where he stood. "How delightful. Shall I make them some coffee?"

"No!" Luke jumped in.

Jax laughed roughly. "No, I don't think that's necessary. They're not staying long. Luke just has some pictures for you to look at."

"Surveillance photos from Helena's yacht," Luke chimed in. "She's had a visitor. Thought there might be a chance you'd recognize him."

The expression on Alexis's face was still skeptical and apprehensive, but she nodded her consent. "Fine."

Jax turned to Alexis. "I'm going to throw on some clothes," he said. He placed a kiss on her cheek, and she stiffened involuntarily, and then he disappeared down the hall.

Luke and Lorenzo stood until Alexis was seated on the couch, and then Luke took the armchair to her right, making it inevitable that Lorenzo would sit next to her on the couch. Alexis felt Lorenzo's presence next to her like a bonfire, emitting waves of heat and consuming all the oxygen in the air, but she avoided meeting his burning gaze. She held out her hand to Luke expectantly. "Let's see the pictures."

Lorenzo saw an unfamiliar gleam in the light, and his hand dashed out like a cobra striking, catching her wrist and stopping it in midair. Alexis gasped at the shock of his touch, the shock of his fingers wrapped tightly around her wrist. Lorenzo turned her hand to him and stared at the new ring on her finger. "What's this?" he asked, stunned.

Alexis looked nervously at Lorenzo's worried and questioning face. She twisted her wrist slightly in discomfort, and he loosened his grip, letting her hand slip out and fall to her lap. Still staring at the ring, as if he could wish it away, Lorenzo picked up her hand again, more tenderly this time, with one hand under her wrist and the other wrapped loosely around her fingers.

Alexis looked down at the ring, too, almost as if she had never seen it before. The touch of Lorenzo's hand still sent a white hot current surging through her body and sent rational thought fleeing. She swallowed, trying to bring enough moisture to her mouth to form words. "Um … Jax asked me to marry him," she managed finally.

Lorenzo pulled his eyes from her hand and looked up at her face, his own face distraught, full of pain and disbelief. "And did you accept?"

Alexis shook her head, biting hard on her lower lip, unable to pull her eyes away from Lorenzo's anguished, steely gaze, feeling like she was falling into the need and desire and whatever else it was she saw in them. She swallowed again. "I'm considering it."

There they sat, locked in their gaze, neither one able to move or say anything more, when Jax came down the hall. He stopped short in the doorway at the sight of the oblivious couple on the couch, his own heart pounding hard in his chest. He watched the scene in silence for a moment, noticed only by Luke, before stepping all the way into the living room and making his presence known. "Any luck on the pictures?"

Alexis looked up quickly, a flush coming over her cheeks, and her hand slipped out of Lorenzo's grasp. "Um, not yet," she said. She was too flustered and lost to make any further excuse or explanation, and she simply took the envelope that Luke extended to her. No one spoke as she fumbled with the clasp, removed the pictures and began to leaf through them. She could barely focus her eyes, obscured as they were by tears, lust, shame and confusion. She squeezed her eyes tight, trying to bring enough clarity to do what needed to be done. She looked for a long moment at one of the clearer pictures, a head-on shot of a tall, white-haired man. "I don't know. He looks familiar, but I'm not sure. Can I hold on to this one? It may come to me."

Luke nodded. "Sure. Take your time. Stick it under your pillow. Dream a little dream."

Jax took a step forward. "If that's everything, I'll walk you two out," he said, gesturing toward the kitchen and the back door, giving their visitors a none too subtle hint that it was time to leave.

Luke considered employing a diversionary tactic, but another look at Lorenzo and Alexis, still sitting dazed on the couch, told him it was time to call it a night. All sides had taken unexpected casualties tonight, and it was best that they retire to quarters. Luke stood up and slowly gathered up the rest of the photographs. "Natasha," Luke said with a rare gentle smile, trying to focus her fractured attention. "It's been a pleasure as always. Call any time, day or night, if you remember anything."

Alexis nodded and stood up, and Lorenzo followed suit. "I will," she said. "Thanks for bringing by the photos. Goodnight." Without risking another glance at Lorenzo, Alexis walked quickly down the hall to her room and closed the door behind her.

She stood just inside the door, waiting for the sounds that would tell her that Luke and Lorenzo were gone, and when she heard the back door close, she emerged and went in search of Jax. She found him standing out on the patio.

"Hi," she said tentatively, approaching him from the side but staying back several feet.

Jax gave her a forced smile. "Hi. Are you okay?"

Alexis nodded. "Basically. Are you?"

Jax looked out at the water and shook his head. "Not really. Can you tell me what was going on with Lorenzo?"

Alexis sighed and scratched the side of her head nervously, her face crinkled up with the difficulty of explanation and regret for the painful new awareness on Jax's face. She wished she could make the specter of Lorenzo disappear and just wrap her arms around Jax. "He saw the ring and asked about it. He was upset."

"You were upset, too." It was a quiet statement of fact; there was no accusation in Jax's tone. Alexis didn't know what to say. "He's hoping for a future with you?"

Alexis nodded. "But I've made it clear to him that there is none. I've asked him to stay away, Jax. I've told him that I want nothing to do with him."

Jax finally looked at Alexis again. She looked terribly sad and alone and small, and he was too warm-hearted to let her suffer alone. He stepped toward her and wrapped his arms around her. "I know you have. And I know you've tried to be honest with me about him. I just didn't realize the extent of your feelings for him. I didn't realize how hard it is for you to push him away."

Alexis winced painfully. "Jax, I'm sorry. I --- "

Jax pressed his finger to her lips. "Shhh. I'm not angry with you, Alexis. I'm the one who was deluding myself. I'm just sad. It knocked the wind out of my sails a bit."

"Nothing's changed, you know."

Jax shrugged and brushed a strand of hair off her face. "I'm not so sure about that," he said. She started to object, but he pressed a kiss to her lips. "I trust you, Alexis. I know you mean what you're telling me."

"But…?" she asked warily, sensing there was an important qualification coming.

Jax looked into her familiar dark eyes, so full of worry and fear and need, so eager for reassurance that nothing had changed between them. He couldn't tell her that he was scared it was already too late. "But nothing. Come on, let's go back to bed."