Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 38

Late that afternoon Alexis and Kristina sat at the kitchen table drawing together with a box of markers and a stack of office paper between them. Kristina went through one sheet after another, leaning intently over the paper with a thick marker held properly in her hand, looking for all the world as if she were sketching some careful and detailed portrait, or perhaps writing away in her diary. When she deemed each drawing done, she would pass the sheet of paper proudly to her mother and request "other piece please", and Alexis would look up from her own efforts to admire Kristina's inevitable mess of spirals and lines.

The sheet of paper in front of Alexis was a mess of a different order. On it floundered a gruesome menagerie of cartoonish and ill-formed animals. Periodically Kristina instructed Alexis on what her mother should draw next - "draw silly pig, mommy" - and Alexis would do her best to find the right combination of bulbous circles and vague lines to make something reminiscent of the requested beast. To say that motherhood had helped Alexis uncover latent artistic skill would be a gross overstatement, but certainly she had made some progress in the months that they had been drawing together, and Alexis now had a fairly extensive repertoire of almost recognizable animals. Alexis got a thrill out of her occasional artistic successes and the extra big smile on Kristina's face when her dog really looked like a dog. Today, though, none of the animals looked in any danger of hopping off the page. Alexis was relieved when Kristina's requests turned to smiley faces.

"Draw smiley face, please, mommy," Kristina requested, and Alexis dutifully made a circle, two dots and a curve. "Other smiley face, please." Alexis made another, and then a whole row of smiley faces. "Draw silly face, please." An oval, some dots and lines for eyes and nose, a big smile and a few stray lines of hair on this one for good measure. Kristina smiled and pointed to the picture. "Smiley Jax," she said, pleased, and Alexis burst out laughing. It did look a little bit like Jax. "Draw smiley Jax 'gain, mommy."

"Jax is smiley, isn't he?" Alexis agreed as she attempted to reproduce the portrait. "That's one of the things we love about him. He knows how to be happy." She smiled fondly at the ridiculous sketch on the page. It didn't really look very much like Jax, but it captured his essence.

"Jax!" Kristina said happily, pointing to the picture.

Alexis smiled, ruffling Kristina's curls. "So do you, don't you, darling?" she said thoughtfully. "I'm afraid your mommy's not so good at being happy. She needs you and Jax to teach her."

Kristina looked around the room curiously. "Where Jax?"

"Jax is on his way home." Alexis glanced at the clock on the wall and saw that it was almost five. "He'll be here very soon, sweetie. Mommy had better do something about dinner." She gave Kristina her drawing and stood up from the table.

"Want see Jax?" Kristina asked hopefully.

Alexis nodded and kissed the top of Kristina's head. "I know, Kristina. Mommy wants to see Jax, too." Indeed, Alexis was surprised by how anxious she was for Jax to come home. In part she just wanted to be sure he was okay - that he was safe, that there was no trouble with Jerry - but more than that she missed him, somewhere deep in her soul. She hated the distance that had opened up between them - it was the very thing she had feared when he first carried her into his bedroom -- and after all of the difficulties of the day, she needed to see her friend and try to close that distance.

Alexis stood in front of the open fridge contemplating their dinner options, and she wondered for a moment what it would be like to find, say, a roast and some vegetables and know what to do with them. It would be convenient, certainly, and motherly in a very Ozzie & Harriet kind of way, but try as she might, Alexis just couldn't muster up any enthusiasm for mastering that particular skill. There was a very, very long list of things she would rather do than focus on the myriad tasks needed to pull off a home-cooked meal at a reasonable hour every night. Meal planning, grocery shopping, all that chopping and cooking -- none of the tedious tasks held her attention.

Alexis opened the meat drawer, then the produce drawers, but it was mostly for show. She didn't really expect to find anything. Sometimes Alice left provisions in the fridge - simple, healthy things for Kristina liked cooked chicken and steamed vegetables - but no one had been grocery shopping in days. Alexis could stare at the fridge for an hour, but inevitably Kristina was going to have macaroni and cheese, and Alexis and Jax would call for takeout later. She moved to the cupboard and pulled out a package, saying a silent thank you to the thoughtful soul who invented single-serving, microwaveable, all-natural mac & cheese.

Alexis was putting Kristina's bowl in the microwave when the backdoor opened and she heard the familiar Aussie voice she longed to hear. "Please step away from the microwave, Mrs. Jacks. I've brought dinner." Alexis turned around to find Jax in the doorway with a goofy grin on his face and several bags in his hands.

She smiled back, but her happy "Hi" was drowned out by Kristina's squeals of delight. "Smiley Jax!" Kristina cried.

"Smiley Kristina!" Jax returned her unusual greeting, shooting Alexis a look of amused curiosity as he set his bags down on the floor. He walked to Kristina's chair, and she tipped her face up to him to receive her kiss. "How are you, sweetie?" he asked.

Kristina pointed proudly at the drawings in front of her. "Smiley Jax."

Jax looked down at the pictures and laughed. "Is that me?"

"She thinks so," Alexis explained bashfully. "She missed you."

"I missed her," Jax said fondly, pressing a kiss to the top of Kristina's curly head. The little girl had picked up a pen and was busy adding more hair to the pictures on the page, satisfied now that Jax was back home where he was supposed to be. Jax walked over to Alexis and took her hands. "And I missed you," he said, with a softer smile and tentative, loving eyes that extended an offer of peace.

Alexis smiled back at Jax and entwined her fingers with his, pulling him a little closer. "I missed you, too," she said, quietly sincere. She wanted him closer still, and after a moment she dropped his hands and wrapped her arms around him instead, pulling him into a hug. Jax hugged her back, holding her tightly, and as she pressed her heart and head against his solid warmth, an unexpected wave of sadness hit her -- the thought of losing Jax, losing his friendship and optimism and steady presence, the thought of hurting him or seeing him hurt, was almost intolerable and left a cold, aching emptiness inside her. She squeezed away the tears that hovered on her eyelids, letting his shirt absorb the moisture that escaped, and lifted her head to look in his eyes. "I've missed you a lot," she said, her broader meaning clear.

"Me, too." After a moment's hesitation, Jax leaned down to give Alexis a gentle kiss on the lips. He was surprised when she tipped her head up to meet him and kissed him back with unmistakable feeling, chasing him down when he started to pull away. One of her hands found the back of his neck and held him close as she brushed her lips against his, savoring the sensations of tender skin on tender skin, drinking in his warmth, with a curious glint in her eyes. Jax submitted to her explorations gladly, and when she pressed her open mouth harder against his, greedy and claiming, he couldn't help but respond.

Somewhere in the back of her mind it occurred to Alexis that her instinct to cling to Jax might be a reaction to the lingering coldness and emptiness she felt from her efforts to push Lorenzo away, and finally she pulled back from Jax, giving him a slightly embarrassed smile. "Sorry. I was a little worried about you. It's been kind of a tough day."

His own face glowing with a happy smile, Jax ran a finger along her furrowed brow. "You didn't need to worry about me. And you certainly don't need to apologize." His finger trailed under her chin and he kissed her again lightly.

"Everything was okay with your friend?" Her serious, questioning frown told him that she was asking if he had seen Jerry and if his brother was well.

Jax nodded, understanding her question and her discretion. "Yes. My friend is well, all things considered. A bit homesick, but that's to be expected. I just wish there were some hope I could offer him, you know, some light at the end of the tunnel."

"I know." Her hand brushed against his cheek, trying to brush away his burden of responsibility. "We won't stop trying. Maybe if enough time passes, and we find a sympathetic ear, he might catch a break."

"Another break, you mean," Jax said pointedly. "He brought this on himself. I mean, he made his bed; I should just let him lie in it."

"But you can't," Alexis said, her eyes full of understanding, abandoning their code. "He's your brother."

"Yeah. And it's just really hard on my mother. Especially now that dad is gone. I want to fix it for her."

Alexis nodded and gave him another kiss. "I do, too. You know how much I adore your mother. I will always be so grateful to your parents for the way they welcomed me into their family. Even if it was just for a little while."

A slightly mysterious smile came over Jax's face. "Funny you should mention that."

Alexis frowned suspiciously at him. "What?"

Jax shrugged, suppressing his smile. "Nothing. I'm just glad to hear how fond you are of my mother."

"Why is that?"

"Because she's fond of you."

"And?"

"And … she wants to come for a visit. I saw her in the city today. She has some personal business to take care of first, but she would like to come to Port Charles when she's done. If that's okay with you."

Alexis looked surprised. "Of course it's okay with me. You don't need my permission to have your mother visit."

"Well, maybe I do, because I think you're the one she's coming to visit. I'm afraid she's more interested in seeing her favorite daughter-in-law and getting to know Kristina than she is in seeing her son. I'm trying not to be hurt."

"Aw," Alexis cooed, giving Jax a mock consoling pat on the cheek. "It's fine, really. I would love to see her. As long as you warned her that I'm not fit to be her hiking companion -- not that I ever was."

"I did, and she promised to go easy on you." Jax grew more serious. "But you know how she is, Alexis. And you know how she feels about you and me together - basically, she thinks it's about damn time. And I happen to think she's right. But she can be pushy. And I don't want you to feel pressured."

Alexis smiled fondly at Jax. "You're very sweet. But it's okay. Your mother's brand of pushy I can handle. It comes from love. And she's really much too gracious to be considered pushy. I prefer to think of her as refreshingly forthright."

"Maybe," Jax conceded grudgingly. "But what about Kristina? You know my mother will have Kristina calling her grandma by the time she leaves. She loves you like a daughter, Alexis, and she's going to love Kristina like a granddaughter. I would understand if you had concerns about them forging a relationship when it might turn out to be temporary."

Alexis looked surprised, and shook her head to rebut his suggestion. "Our friendship isn't temporary, Jax. And I really can't imagine that your mother would ever turn her back on Kristina. I think it would be a blessing and privilege for Kristina to develop a relationship with your mother. She doesn't have anyone else - her grandmothers are gone, and Helena and Tracy Quartermaine aren't good for anything but nightmares. Really and truly, there is no one else in the world I would rather have her call grandma."

Jax smiled and gave Alexis another kiss, touched by her willingness to join her family to his. It gave him added cause for optimism. "Good. Then I'll tell her to make her plans." He finally released Alexis from his arms and went back to the door to pick up his bags. "Did you hear that, Kristina?" he asked, leaning over the little girl's shoulder as he walked by her. "Lady Jane is coming to visit. And she's going to spoil you rotten." He threw a teasing glance at Alexis.

Alexis groaned slightly. "Just no ponies or puppies or flying lessons, okay?" She gestured at the red vinyl insulated food bag Jax had left on the floor. "I suppose I'm in no position to complain about the spoiling tendencies that run in your family, since I've got the best looking delivery boy in town." Grinning, she gave Jax a suggestive once over. "Where did you get dinner?"

"New York."

Alexis raised her eyebrows. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." Jax held up the bag. "Wanna guess where?"

Alexis sniffed the air for a clue. "I need a hint."

"What's your favorite restaurant?"

Alexis considered the question. "La Grenouille. Maybe Bouley, but I haven't been back since they reopened."

"Okay, favorite non-French restaurant. All that butter would have been disgustingly congealed by now."

"Il Mulino?"

Jax grimaced. "You're killing me here."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Alexis laughed sympathetically. "I love so many different places, Jax," she said, trying to be encouraging. "I'm sure I will be thrilled with whatever it is."

Jax shook his head. "You know, it's not easy playing Prince Charming to such a worldly Cinderella. Maybe I should stick with cocktail waitresses and con artists. They're a lot easier to impress."

"Don't you dare," Alexis warned, walking toward him with her hands on her hips. "You don't need to impress me, and you don't need to bring me perfect dinners to be my Prince Charming or make my dreams come true." She leaned up and kissed him, and then took the red bag from his hand. When she unzipped the bag, a small spray of steam came out and she closed her eyes, absorbing the smells of ginger and lemongrass and galangal. A smile came over her face. "Vong. Perfect."

Jax looked at her skeptically. "Really?"

"Really. I love it. I took clients there all the time. And it's a much better takeout choice than the others." She put the bag on the kitchen counter and began unpacking it.

Jax followed her and leaned over her shoulder from behind. "I have something else, too. I'm pretty sure I got this part right." He set a gold bag on the counter and withdrew a dark brown rectangular box. "I thought you could use some cheering up." He kissed her just behind her right ear. "It's a definite step up from our first Valentine's Day together."

Alexis stopped was she was doing and looked at the box, then over her shoulder excitedly at Jax, a broad smile coming over her face. "No . . . you didn't . . . La Maison du Chocolat? I love this stuff. And I love you." She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek as her fingers quickly went to work untying the brown ribbon around the box. Soon she had the cover off, and she turned to face Jax, holding the open box up to him. "You have to try these. They're like little bites of happiness."

Jax politely took a rectangle from the box, laughing at Alexis's giddiness. "Actually, I did try a sample in the store. The shopgirl insisted."

Alexis pointed at the chocolate in his hand. "That one is ginger. I know it sounds a little weird, but it's amazing." Alexis took a chocolate from the box and put it in her own mouth as she continued to gush. "Mmm. Vanilla. Pure, subtle flavoring, The smoothest, most delicious chocolate ganache you've ever tasted. Somehow it's not too sweet, so you never feel sick no matter how many you eat. Well, unless you think about the money you're consuming with each bite. Plenty of caffeine and whatever that chemical is that your brain makes when you're in love. Really, these things are a total aphrodisiac."

Jax raised one eyebrow and stepped in a little closer. "Really?" he asked with an enticing grin. His hand went to the back of her neck and he pulled her into a kiss that grew rapidly deeper until Alexis finally put her hand on Jax's chest and pushed him away. "Actually," Jax admitted, "I think the shopgirl might have mentioned something about that."

Alexis scowled. "Little Parisian tramp. She probably -- " Jax popped his chocolate into her mouth, cutting off the rest of her sentence and replacing it with a murmur of pleasure. "Mmmm. That is so good."

Jax reached behind Alexis and put the cover back on the box of chocolates and set it on the counter. "Now, I think we should save the rest until after dinner."

Alexis licked her lips. "Right. Dinner."

"Shall we eat with Kristina or wait and have a grown-up meal after she's in bed?"

Alexis eyed the box of chocolates. "Let's eat now."

*****

Alexis, Jax and Kristina were just finishing dinner at the kitchen table when there was a knock on the door and Mike poked his head inside. "There's a Judge Farmer here to see you, Ms. Davis. She has someone from child services with her, too. Should we let them in?"

Alexis stared wide-eyed at Jax, appalled and disbelieving. "The gall of that woman. She's checking up on me."

Jax nodded. "So it seems. But we've got nothing to hide."

Alexis shook her head wearily. "Go ahead and let them in, Mike. Please try not to seem too intimidating, okay?"

"And try to hold them off for a few minutes," Jax added. "We need a little prep time," he explained to Alexis.

The door closed, and Alexis and Jax both stood up from the table. She moved quickly to throw out the takeout containers on the counter and put away the chocolate, and then she scanned the rest of the kitchen with a critical eye for anything that didn't fit in with the story that they were a happy, stable, nurturing family. No dishes piled up; a reasonably healthy - if not home-cooked -- dinner on the table; no signs of other people or anything to suggest their engagement was a fraud. All in all, not bad. She walked into the living room and took a quick look around; there was the usual clutter of toys and legal papers, but nothing inappropriate, just the ordinary chaos of an ordinary family. Alexis was a little surprised to realize how easily they passed for a happy family, but of course for all of their oddities, it really wasn't that much of a stretch.

Alexis started to head to Kristina's room when she was stopped in her tracks by Jax's arm wrapping around her waist from behind. As he held her in place, his other hand covered her eyes. "What in the world are you doing, Jax?" she asked. "We need to get ready."

"I am," he contended. "Tell me something, Alexis. What's the most romantic place you've ever been?"

"What?" Alexis asked, somewhat impatient. "I don't know. That's not a simple question, Jax. It gets complicated - you have to consider who and when and what time of year and the weather and -"

Jax shook his head, laughing at her familiar over-analysis. "Okay, never mind. Just close your eyes and picture the ocean."

"I could open my eyes and picture the lake."

"No," Jax insisted. "We're not here. We're in Malibu, on a bluff high up over the ocean. It's one of those obscenely perfect California days. The sky is a deep perfect blue. The wind is blowing strong and steady, but the air is warm on your skin. You can see for miles out across the water. You see boats and islands and seagulls riding the drafts. Okay?"

Alexis relented, sinking a little bit back into his arms. "Okay."

Jax removed his hand from her eyes, but she kept her eyes closed, holding the image of Malibu in her head. His hand on her waist turned her around, and she opened her eyes to find him kneeling in front of her holding a very shiny ring in his right hand and looking up at her with a hopeful, giddy, slightly crazed smile that made him look as if he were about to jump out of a plane. Alexis froze in place.

Jax took her left hand and hesitated a moment, hoping the terrified look on her face might go away before he continued. A loud knock at the door made them both jump, and there was an unnatural pause as they each struggled to decipher the meaning of the sound. Jax sighed heavily, with a resentful glance at the door. "I really wanted to do this right, but it looks like it's going to have to be quick instead."

Alexis was still stunned, slowly absorbing what was going on, and she just nodded reassuringly to herself, seemingly finding some sense in the reminder that Judge Farmer was at the door.

Jax took a deep breath and licked his lips and stepped out of the plane. He looked up into Alexis's wary eyes, and slowly his face broke out into a fresh smile. "Alexis Davis," he began. "Will you do me the tremendous honor of becoming my wife again? Will you marry me?"

Alexis just gaped at him, not sure whether to break out into laughter or tears, not sure whether his proposal was genuine or purely for the sake of their fiction. She held out her hand and didn't resist as Jax slid the ring on her finger, just a second before there was another knock on the door. Jax pressed his lips to the top of her hand as he stood, and then he walked over to let in their visitors.

*****

Thirty minutes later Jax closed the door behind Judge Farmer, and Alexis collapsed onto the couch with Kristina on her lap. The visit with the judge and social worker had gone well. Though Alexis had been nervous and annoyed, she had hidden it well, and Jax had taken the lead, being charming and impressive and fatherly and correcting any negative impression he had made on the judge during Alexis's trial. Kristina had been sweet and open and cheerful, climbing all over Jax and playing with mommy's new ring. All in all, both Judge Farmer and the social worker had seemed pleased by Kristina's new home.

The only rough spot had been at the beginning, when Judge Farmer asked why there were guards surrounding the house, but Alexis had defused the situation smoothly. "It's just a precaution, really," Alexis had said casually, hoping she could minimize the level of the security. "Whether we like it or not, we have to keep in mind that Kristina is the daughter of two wealthy and powerful families. And I'm afraid I'm still feeling a bit over-protective after everything that happened when she was at the Quartermaines. I think a little security is a small price to pay for peace of mind."

Judge Farmer had been skeptical. "This looks like more than a little security, Ms. Davis. Those men are armed, and they seem very aggressive in protecting your family. Is there some specific threat that you're worried about?"

"It is a little much, isn't it?" Alexis had responded agreeably. "It's quite a bit more than necessary, I know, but it's a labor management issue, really. Since my nephew died, his security staff has been underemployed. I'd rather not discharge them or let them sit idle, so I have them assigned here for the time being." Out of the corner of her eye, Alexis had caught sight of Jax raising an eyebrow, impressed by how smoothly she lied and played off the judge's own class envy. Alexis would have felt guilty if she had any respect at all for this particular officer of the court. Snowing Judge Farmer had been satisfying in a slightly childish way.

Kristina slid off of Alexis's lap to retrieve a book, and Alexis leaned back into the couch, looking at the new ring on her hand. It was lovely and graceful - a platinum band with a single white diamond in a lucida setting - and very much to her liking, but she had absolutely no idea what it meant. She looked up at the man who had put it on her hand. "So. Do you always carry a spare engagement ring in case a crisis arises?"

Jax sat down on the couch next to Alexis and took her left hand. "Nope. I just bought that today."

"After I told you about my run-in with Judge Farmer this morning?"

"Yep."

Alexis narrowed her eyes at him. "That was very prescient of you. It hadn't occurred to me that she would check up on my story."

Jax shrugged. "I didn't buy it for her. I bought it for you. It isn't just for show, Alexis."

Alexis looked at him sharply. "What do you mean?"

"I mean … I think our getting married makes some sense." Alexis frowned at Jax but didn't interrupt, so he continued. "What you told me today about your run-ins with Carly and Judge Farmer really made it clear to me. We're fooling ourselves if we think Sonny will never find out."

Alexis nodded slightly. "I know."

"Sooner or later there's going to be a custody battle, Alexis, and if you and I are married, you'll be in a much stronger position. You saw how well it worked with Judge Farmer. I'm afraid that if you go into court as a single mother with your record, Sonny might have a chance." Kristina toddled up to the couch and handed Alexis a book. "We can talk more about this later, but please, at least consider it."

Alexis looked at Jax for a long moment, a response seemingly on the tip of her tongue, but her brow remained wrinkled in thought. "I will," she said finally. She pulled her daughter up onto her lap and settled in to read.

*****

After Alexis put Kristina to bed for the night, she stepped out of the nursery and found Jax waiting for her in the hallway. "Come with me," he instructed in a soft voice, taking her by the hands and leading her back through the living room and out onto the patio. They sat down side by side in the Adirondack chairs, and Jax pulled a throw blanket over them to ward off the night chill. "Just wait a minute," he said, pointing to the sky.

As Alexis's eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, stars seemed to come out all over the night sky, one by one, until the dome above them was awash in sparkling lights. "Oh, that's lovely," Alexis murmured.

Jax leaned over and, with gentle fingers under her chin, tipped her head to him for a kiss. "You're lovely." Alexis smiled and rested her head against Jax's right shoulder, and he took her left hand and pulled it against his chest. He played idly with the ring around her finger as he spoke. "There's something else I should have said earlier, Alexis."

Her eyes turned up to him, somewhat alarmed, but she submerged her nervousness in her relaxation. "What's that?"

"It's something important. It's something I probably should have said before I proposed." Jax's left hand held her hand tight against his heart, and his right hand stroked her cheek soothingly, both hands subconsciously engaged in trying to dissuade Alexis from fleeing. "The thing is, I love you. I'm in love with you. I'm completely and utterly crazy about you." He felt her body tense up, but she sat perfectly still. "And that makes us getting married a lot more complicated than it was the first time around."

Alexis sat up stiffly and looked at Jax with uncertainty, their eyes meeting for a long moment. Finally a tentative smile spread over her face and she gave him a quick kiss. "Boy, if ever there was a perfect encapsulation of our rather unique and backwards relationship, that last sentence is it."

Jax smiled back and looked at her intently. "I want to be your husband, Alexis, and I want you to be my wife, and it has nothing to do with Kristina or Sonny or anyone else. Now, normally I would keep that wish to myself. I know how you feel about marriage, and I know that it's much too soon to be talking about the future. But the circumstances are what they are. I think it makes a lot of sense for us to get married, but I just want to make sure you know that despite my terribly rushed and not very romantic proposal, I'm asking you to marry me because I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. I know that scares you; I know I may be shooting myself in the foot here; but finding you, Alexis, falling in love with you, discovering this whole new world with my best friend, is the very best thing that has ever happened to me."

Alexis took a deep breath of the cool night air. "Wow," she managed, fighting the tears that welled in her eyes. She touched Jax's cheek gently, overwhelmed by her affection for him. "You know I love you, Jax. I adore you. I just - "

Jax pressed a finger to her lips. "You don't have to say anything, Alexis. I know your emotions are all over the map right now. I know you're confused about a lot of things. Just tell me that you'll think about what I said, and think about my proposal."

Alexis nodded. "Of course I will. Thank you." Jax stood up and kissed Alexis on the head, but before he could leave she grabbed his hand and pulled him back down into his seat. "Please, stay," she asked softly. "Let's just look at the stars."

Jax nodded and settled back into the chair, lifting up his right arm to invite Alexis into his embrace. She draped the blanket over the two of them and tucked herself under his arm. For several long minutes they sat there looking up at the sky, Jax running his fingers through her hair, Alexis tracing soft circles on his thigh. Suddenly Alexis sat upright. Jax looked at her with alarm.

"The chocolate. I forgot about the chocolate." She broke out into a mischievous grin and started to stand, but Jax reached out his arm to block her and stood first.

"Please, allow me," he insisted. "The best looking delivery boy in town, right?"