Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 32

Early the next morning, Alexis woke up alone in her own bed to the rhythmic tapping of rain against her window. After days of perfect spring weather, the rain was a relief. It left her room dark and cool and muted, letting her awaken gently, and it would keep Kristina asleep past her usual six a.m. wake-up time. Alexis yawned lazily and uncurled into a stretch from fingertips to toes, her hands grabbing the bars of the headboard above her.

She was better rested than she had any right to be. She had expected to be up most of the night turning around the documents that were being filed that morning, but the task had been finished quickly. Motivated by Alexis's hint that several million dollars in billable time would come their way from Cassadine Enterprises and her unnamed associates if Alexis should win, the partners at her firm in New York had focused very closely on her project, and the papers that rolled off her fax machine were in excellent shape. With Jax helping to coordinate the sea of drafts that had overtaken the office, Alexis had been able to fax off the last of her markups by eleven p.m., with final instructions to push the button on the filings at the open of business. By now the papers should have been filed throughout Europe and Asia.

After a reasonably sound night's sleep, Alexis's head felt clearer than it had in days. Of course, clarity didn't imply peace, and as thoughts began to fill her head, even the calm murmur of the rain couldn't ward off the pit that settled in her stomach. She had managed so far to avoid any serious reflection on her situation or her feelings, filling her time since the ELQ board meeting with Kristina and work and sleep, but now, lying in bed with no one at her door, no one asking questions, no one making requests, Alexis could see with perfect clarity the unwise and treacherous position she had staked out for herself, and her self-disgust and guilt were in sharp relief.

Alexis lay staring at the white ceiling above the bed, hugging a pillow to her chest. It had been ten days since she had rescued Lorenzo in his flooding basement, the longest ten days of her life. Everything had changed. Jax had gone from absentee friend to new and hopeful lover; Lorenzo had gone from enemy to . . . something; Ned and Sonny were both more hostile than ever; she and Kristina had a new home; and she had committed to an all-out battle with Helena for all things Cassadine. Thanks to Mikkos's last will, his single act of recognition, somewhere in Athens a court clerk had by now received the papers that would result in Alexis being formally recognized as daughter of, and heir to, Mikkos Cassadine. There would be no turning back.

All of the tumult of the last week and a half had culminated in yesterday's perfectly awful ELQ board meeting. Alexis cringed at the memory. She had practically fled from ELQ headquarters after her encounter with Lorenzo in the ladies room. There had been no chance of salvaging her makeup and hair and making herself presentable again, and even if it had been possible she would not have been eager to go back into the conference room to face them all -- Ned with his accusations and threats, Sonny with his suspicions and insults, Jax with his trusting concern - all with Helena watching, no less. And Lorenzo. God, how could she ever face Lorenzo again? After everything she had said to him about not getting involved, she had jumped him in the bathroom. She had lost all control.

And so Alexis had slipped away from ELQ without explanation, without her briefcase even, taking the limousine back to the park to retrieve her car. Arriving at the lake house, she had swept Kristina into her arms and hadn't let the little girl out of her sight until she was in her crib for the night. Jax came home as Kristina was finishing her dinner, his eyes full of questions, but he hadn't pressed Alexis for information beyond the account she gave of her run-in with Helena in the park. Throughout the evening, he did what he could to help with her work, and let her stew silently.

Alexis had tried desperately to keep herself from thinking about what she had done with Lorenzo and what more she would have done if they hadn't been interrupted. When the memories did slip through, she burned with embarrassment and shame, even more so because she knew she still wanted it so much. Her body seemed to have a mind of its own, a mind completely free of caution or conscience, a mind that didn't care about the risks of associating with a criminal or about hurting a dear friend. Ned's accusations rang in her ears, and she wondered whether he was right.

Lorenzo had called after dinner to check on her, just moments after Jax went out for an evening jog. Lorenzo's timing was no coincidence, Alexis knew, and it annoyed her to know he was keeping close tabs on her. Lorenzo had wanted to come over, or to meet her someplace, but she had brushed him off. Not tonight. I need to work. I'm tired. Even now, she remembered the frustration in Lorenzo's voice and felt ashamed. She wasn't being fair to either Lorenzo or Jax, but at least Jax had the benefit of inborn patience and years of experience with her neurotic tendencies.

Alexis looked at the expanse of empty bed next to her and smiled sadly. She had expected a difficult moment with Jax at bedtime, but he had surprised her again with his sensitivity. When her work was finished, he had walked her down the hall, stopped at the door to her room, and kissed her gently on the cheek. "Goodnight," he had said simply. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight." Alexis had looked at him with question in her eyes, her relief matched with a hint of wounded female pride.

"You're tired," he had said with a smile. "And as much as I want to wake up with you in my arms one of these days, I'm going to guess that you need some space right now. I can wait." Alexis had smiled in appreciation and affection and hugged Jax tightly. "Let's talk tomorrow, okay?" he suggested. Unseen by Jax, a single tear had slipped down her cheek and soaked into his shirt as she nodded.

Once the door was closed, Alexis had collapsed into her bed, suddenly dead tired, all the physical and emotional strain of the day hitting her at once. She had fallen off to sleep much more quickly, and slept much more peacefully, than she ever would have expected, awakening to this cleansing rain.

Adjusting the pillow under her head, Alexis rolled over onto her side so she could watch the water roll down the windows. It was a relief to be alone. Jax was giving her space to think, but space was good for hiding, too. She couldn't seem to corral her thoughts.

Somewhere in the room, Alexis's cell phone rang, pulling her out of her unproductive reflection. She found the phone on her dresser and answered. "Hello?"

"Good morning, Natasha."

"Luke?" she said in disbelief. "What are you doing up at this hour?"

"Oh, I'm not up yet, darling. I'm on my way down to bed. I paid a little visit to Helena's yacht overnight. Thought you'd like to know."

"Luke," Alexis said with dread. "Please tell me you didn't get caught."

"You hurt my feelings, Natasha. Of course I didn't get caught. But I'm touched that you care."

"Of course I care, Luke. I don't want you tipping off Helena before we're ready."

"Well, you don't need to worry your pretty little head. I'm always very careful."

"No, you're not, Luke. You freelance, and I get nervous. I think you forget sometimes that you're a real person and not Pac-Man. Helena cuts, you bleed, Luke. You can't just put another quarter in and get another play."

"I take Helena plenty seriously, Natasha. And I didn't get caught. What I did do was snap a few photos of some interesting looking papers and leave a little electronic surveillance device behind. She'll find it sooner or later, but until she does we have an inside line. And maybe by then, one of Lorenzo's men will have made it into the black widow's web."

"And you're sure no one saw you?"

"No one. Listen, I need to talk to Lorenzo. Can you put him on?"

Alexis pulled the phone away from her ear and looked at it in aggravation. "No, I can't put him on, Luke. He isn't here."

"Oh. I just assumed."

"Don't assume, Luke."

"Well, he wasn't home. I stopped by his place a little while ago and there was no sign of him. I tried his cell, but no answer. So how long ago did he leave?"

Alexis gritted her teeth. "He was never here, Luke. Got it? I don't know where Lorenzo is. I haven't seen him." Her volume rose as she spoke.

"Shhh. You should keep your voice down, Natasha. You don't want to wake up Lurch there."

Alexis was ready to yell, but instead let out a loud exasperated sigh. "Jax isn't here either, Luke. Believe it or not, I'm alone in bed."

"Well, that's a shame," Luke said, his tone suddenly lecherous. "You want I should come over and warm up your covers."

"No. Please, no. I'll just burn them now and save you the trouble."

"Ouch. But you're right, three's a crowd. Well, if you see Lorenzo, tell him I'm looking for him. And keep your cell phone on. I'll call if I pick up any movement from Helena."

"Fine." She hung up the phone and scowled at it for a long moment.

As her annoyance with Luke faded, Alexis considered the news that Lorenzo wasn't at home. She couldn't help but wonder where he was. Somewhere in her mind she had imagined that he was at home alone, thinking about what had happened, maybe dreaming of her; she even hoped it, though in the same instant she scolded herself for being selfish and egotistical. He said he had been keeping odd hours, but she really didn't know him well enough to know his habits. Should she be worried about him? Was he with another woman somewhere? She had no claim on Lorenzo, and couldn't very well blame him if he were, not after all her unintended teasing. Still, the thought turned her stomach.

Alexis inhaled deeply as a familiar morning smell made its way into her room, displacing the sweet pungency of morning rain with the welcome scent of freshly brewed coffee. The house was still wrapped in silence. She looked at the clock - six a.m., right on schedule. Since she and Kristina had moved in, Jax had fallen into the habit of setting the coffeemaker so that the brew would be ready when Kristina awoke, and then bringing Alexis her coffee and the paper in bed before he retrieved the little girl. For once Alexis was the first awake and could return the favor. She padded to the kitchen in her pajamas and bare feet, retrieved the New York Times and Wall Street Journal - they had been slipped inside the screen at the back door, presumably by the guards after scaring off the poor delivery boy - and poured two mugs of coffee.

She carried her gifts down the hall to Jax's room and knocked gently, then pushed the door open with her hip. Jax lay in bed asleep on his back, his covers long since kicked away, wearing cotton pajama pants and nothing else. She set the coffee and papers down on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed beside him. For a long moment she admired his sleeping form. He was beautiful, all golden and glowing and sexy, and she felt a rush of affection and desire. One of the delights of becoming lovers was that he had become hers to touch, and now she couldn't help but touch him again.

Alexis slid down on the bed next to Jax. Lying on her side with her head propped on one elbow, she ran her fingers over the smooth skin of his well-muscled chest. His lips curled into a sweet dream smile that melted her heart and made her life seem simpler. She liked making him smile; she liked making him happy. For a moment various wicked thoughts about how best to wake him passed through her mind, but before her intent had crystallized, Jax stirred and wrapped an arm around her. She tucked herself in closer to him and relaxed into his embrace, enjoying the warmth and contentment that spread through her. Being with Jax felt right; it was easy; it made sense. How foolish it would be to risk this fledgling relationship before finding out how far it could go.

Her head resting on his shoulder, Alexis's fingers continued their appreciative exploration of Jax's bare chest and stomach. Finally his eyes fluttered, then opened, and he beamed in delight at finding her in his arms. His smile lit up the room like the absent sun.

"Good morning," Jax murmured in her ear. "To what do I owe this . . . pleasure?"

Alexis nodded toward the nightstand. "I brought you coffee."

"You brought me more than coffee."

"I brought you the paper, too."

"You brought me you. My dream come true. Thank you."

Alexis smiled and kissed Jax. "I didn't plan to bring you me. Just coffee and the paper. But you looked so very . . . inviting. I couldn't help myself."

Jax grinned. "I'm glad you find me irresistible. Feel free to help yourself any time. You don't even have to bring me coffee."

"You're easy," Alexis teased.

"Mm-hmmm. Come here." Jax rolled onto his side and turned Alexis with him so that her back was to him. Wrapping both arms around her, he pulled Alexis close and tucked his top leg over hers. "Perfect," he declared in satisfaction, kissing her behind the ear.

Alexis tipped her head back and kissed Jax on the cheek. "Just the way you wanted to wake up?"

"Mm-hmmm. Give or take some clothing and a few points of contact." Jax grinned and lifted his head to look at the clock. "Kristina is still asleep?" he asked.

Alexis nodded. "The rain makes her sleepy. Me, too." Alexis yawned and stretched out long, her hands reaching toward the headboard. The careless way she curved and twisted her body, almost purring, was unintentionally and insanely erotic, and Jax's hands slid under her pajama shirt to claim her warm skin.

"Not me," Jax murmured in her ear. "Not sleepy at all." Alexis grinned and settled back into Jax's embrace, luxuriating in the sensation of his warm hands floating around freely under the silk. His lips brushed against her ear, amplifying each catch in his breathing and each soft, sweet word he whispered. "You're so beautiful."

She tipped her head back to rub her cheek against his rough stubble, and her hips began to move almost imperceptibly against him. She turned her head farther, uncomfortably far, capturing his lips for a moment before she let her head fall back to the pillow. His hands found the waist of her pajama pants and slid them down off her hips.

The coffee Alexis had poured was cool by the time they finally got around to drinking it, so Jax went to the kitchen and brought back fresh cups. They sat next to one another in bed, sipping coffee and trading sections of the newspapers, waiting for Kristina to wake.

Alexis suddenly lowered the paper in her hands and looked at the clock on the nightstand. "I completely forgot. Helena's deadline. It's come and gone."

Jax put down his newspaper. "Yeah. It just slipped right by, didn't it?"

"Without a peep. No clap of thunder, no ominous theme music, no choir of angels."

Jax grinned. "Maybe a firework or two. What do you think Helena will do?"

Alexis shook her head. "I have absolutely no idea. I need to be ready for anything."

"Are you going to bunker down here today?"

Alexis shrugged. "I don't know. I hate the idea of just sitting here waiting for her to make the next move. And I have two doctor appointments at the hospital that I'd rather not cancel. Maybe I'll talk to Lorenzo's security guy and see what he thinks."

"Are you going to see Lorenzo today?" Jax asked in a neutral tone.

Alexis frowned. "I don't know," she said tightly. "I don't have any plans to." Alexis remembered that Lorenzo was unaccounted for. "Actually, I suppose I should check in with him and see if there's anything I need to do on this ridiculous ELQ business."

"Oh, that's right. He's your client now. I almost forgot." Jax articulated "client" as if it were a dirty word.

"It's just for show, Jax. And it's a perfectly above board business transaction. I have no intention of getting involved with his other business affairs." Alexis raised her newspaper again and continued reading.

"I'm glad to hear that." Jax paused, watching Alexis. "What about his personal affairs?"

Alexis grimaced and took a deep breath. She kept her eyes on the paper. "Do we really have to talk about this now?"

"I think we should, don't you? I'm not blind, Alexis. It's obvious to me that he's pursuing you. What I don't know is how you feel about that."

Alexis squeezed her eyes shut. "Ooh, please don't make me talk about my feelings first thing in the morning."

Jax was adamant. "It's not first thing in the morning, Alexis. You came into my bed and made love to me. I'm not complaining, but I am surprised. I thought maybe you didn't want to do that anymore. So I think I'm allowed to ask you what you're feeling. Just be honest with me."

Alexis lowered the newspaper and sighed. "Okay." She took a slow breath. "I suppose there is . . . some sort of attraction there. You've known that from the beginning."

Jax nodded. "Yes. And you told me that you knew you couldn't get involved with him. For a lot of very good reasons." Alexis nodded, her lips tight. "Have you changed your mind about that?"

Alexis turned her head away for a moment. "No. He's a criminal."

"Yes, he is. But why does it sound like you're humoring me? You say the words, but it doesn't sound like you believe them."

Alexis shrugged. "I do believe them, Jax. But he's not just a monster to me anymore. Somehow we've gotten past our natural animosity, and we've actually gotten to know each other a bit."

Jax frowned. "And he told you some sob story about his past that lets you explain away his misdeeds?"

Alexis shook her head angrily at Jax, her jaw clenched. Before she could formulate a response, Kristina's first morning squeals broke the tension in the room. Alexis took the escape hatch, getting out of bed and heading for the door.

"Alexis," Jax called. She stopped at the door and turned to him. His voice was gentle and conciliatory. "He's a bad guy. He's not just a little shady. He sells guns and drugs, and he kills people. Being associated with him puts you and Kristina in danger, and it would be disastrous in a custody case."

Alexis nodded and her face softened, anger dissolving into resignation. "I know." She turned and walked down the hall to her daughter.

Jax slipped out of bed, gathered up the coffee cups and newspapers and brought them to the kitchen. From Kristina's room he heard the sounds of laughter and little legs jumping up and down in the crib. He went to the office, closed the door and picked up the phone, dialing a number he would rather never call. The phone rang, and a low voice answered. "Yeah?"

"Sonny. It's Jax. I need a favor."