Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 26

At nine o'clock Alice arrived and took over tending to Kristina, and Jax went to his bedroom to wake Alexis, bringing with him a cup of coffee and the newspaper. He found Alexis deep in sleep, still lying in the same position she was in when he had left her three hours earlier. Jax set the coffee and newspaper on the nightstand and sat down on the bed, and for several minutes he just watched her.

Her face was perfectly relaxed and still, without even a trace of eye movement to indicate she had gone somewhere else in her dreams. In the utter blankness of deep sleep, without her expressive eyes and her various smiles to act as guideposts, she was a cipher to Jax. For a moment, he almost couldn't remember who she was, and he felt an unfamiliar and unsettling loneliness, the deep existential loneliness of realizing the isolation of the human condition. No matter how strong his love and no matter how intimate their bond, Alexis was and would always be separate from him, an unattainable other; neither she nor anyone else could ever be fully known to him.

Needing connection and reassurance, Jax leaned down and kissed Alexis on the mouth, and his loneliness faded. He was almost surprised to find her lips warm and familiar. As she stirred, her eyelids began to flutter lightly. He kissed her again, then called her name. "Alexis, time to wake up." Her eyes opened, and she startled lightly at finding Jax's smiling face inches in front of her. She began to smile, then let her eyes drift closed again. Before she could fall back into sleep, Jax called her name again. "Alexis." This time her eyes stayed open, and she took in the sight of Jax above her as she struggled out of sleep. She was awake enough now to be confused, and after a moment she closed her eyes again, not to sleep but to find privacy to sort out her confusion. Where was she? What day was it? What had happened before she went to sleep? Why did she feel this unpleasant tension in her stomach? Dread? Guilt? Hangover? What had happened last night?

As Alexis struggled to gain her bearings, Jax kissed her again, this time more insistently, cupping her face in his hands. Even in her confusion, his kiss felt familiar and natural, and she responded, eyes still closed, until finally Jax pulled back and smiled at her. "Good morning, beautiful," he said.

Alexis opened her eyes and smiled back. "You're much better than any alarm clock."

Jax slid down on the bed and lay on his side next to Alexis, his head propped up on one hand. He brushed her hair back off her face with his other hand and kissed her again. "I have a snooze button, too. It'll get you fifteen more minutes in bed," Jax said with a mischievous grin. His next kiss was passionate and determined, and he ran his hand down the length of her body to her hip, pulling her toward him. The first stirrings of her body's response and the surprise of Jax's hand finding bare skin brought Alexis fully awake. She put her hand on his chest and gently pushed him away.

Jax fell back onto his side, watching Alexis's face to try to read her reaction. Memories of the previous night were beginning to come back to her, and she knew from the pit in her stomach that she needed to sort them out before doing anything else. Giving in to the urge to hide, Alexis rolled over to face away from Jax. "I'm sorry, Alexis," Jax said kindly. "I said I wouldn't push. I was just really looking forward to waking up next to you this morning."

Alexis felt a wave of guilt for abandoning Jax and rolled back toward him, touching his cheek gently. "No, it's okay. I'm just a little disoriented still. I was very asleep."

"This may help," Jax said, reaching for the cup of coffee.

Alexis smiled appreciatively and sat up, taking the warm cup in her hands. "You are such an angel." She took a sip and closed her eyes, savoring the bitterness. When she opened her eyes again, she scanned the room, trying to remember how she ended up there. The last thing she could recall was sitting on the patio with Lorenzo. "What time is it?"

"A little after nine."

"Is Kristina okay?"

"She's great. She's in the kitchen with Alice now."

"Thank you for taking care of her, Jax," she said with sincerity. "And for letting me sleep. I appreciate it." Alexis wanted to ask how she made it to his room, but she was wary. Someone had undressed her, and if it wasn't Jax she would have a difficult explanation to make. "Do you know how long I've been asleep?" she asked instead.

"About three hours." Jax could see from her nervous scanning of the room that she was looking for clues to resolve her disorientation. "You fell asleep out on the patio. You and Alcazar seemed to be talking. He brought you inside, and I put you to bed."

Alexis stifled a sigh of relief, covering it with another sip of coffee. She tried to remember whether anything inappropriate had happened with Lorenzo once they arrived at the lake house, and then hated herself for having to wonder. At least Jax didn't seem upset with her, but that didn't really lessen her guilt. "You were awake?"

Jax nodded. "I couldn't sleep. I was worried about you."

Alexis grimaced apologetically. "I'm sorry, Jax. We spent all night talking with Luke, going over plans. I would have called, but I didn't want to wake you up."

"I know. Alcazar filled me in this morning."

Alexis raised her eyebrows in disbelief. "You two talked?"

Jax nodded again, frowning slightly. "At length. About your plans, about security, about you."

"Me?" The tension in her stomach grew.

"Mm-hmm. He's going to a lot of trouble to help you fight Helena, and I'd like to know why."

"So you asked him? What did he say?"

"He said, and I quote, 'Because I want to and I can.'" The scowl on Jax's face indicated how much he thought of that answer. "But I know he has to have his own reasons. A guy like that doesn't do anything unless it's in his own interest."

"Why do you think he's doing it?" Alexis asked warily. She didn't understand Lorenzo's reasons herself, but she had always been too distracted to push him for an explanation that went beyond his feelings for her.

"I don't know. Maybe to pursue you," Jax said carefully. Alexis pursed her lips and looked down at her coffee. "If that's what it is," Jax continued, watching Alexis, "I don't like it, but at least it's straightforward. I'm more afraid that it has something to do with Sonny, or maybe he has his own reasons to go after Helena. But you spent a lot more time with him than I did. What do you think?"

Alexis shrugged. "I'm not really sure."

"Don't you think you should have an answer before you accept his help?"

Alexis nodded slightly. Jax was right, of course. What could she say? That she trusted Lorenzo because she knew he couldn't help himself any more than she could?

"I think you're playing with fire by choosing to get involved with Alcazar." Jax tried to keep his tone even and non-judgmental. "I think you need to think about the consequences down the road before you go any further."

Alexis nodded again and tried to force a smile. She kissed Jax briefly, and ran her fingers through his hair. "Thanks," she said softly. "For looking out for me."

"You're welcome," Jax smiled, his eyes twinkling. "I love you. I want you to be happy." He shrugged slightly. "I want to make you happy. If you'll let me."

Alexis smiled with love and sadness. "You do make me happy, Jax," she said, tears forming in her eyes. "Sometimes it just seems like there's something else that I'm supposed to be. But I do want to be happy. I really do."

"Then choose it," Jax said, kissing her gently to take any sting out of his words. "You can choose to be happy, Alexis. It's as much a choice as anything else." His words hung in the air for a long moment as they looked at each other seriously. "Now, my no-good stay-out-all-night ex-wife, are you ready to get up or do you want to stay in bed a little longer?"

"I need to get up," Alexis answered, marshalling her energy. "I have a lot to do by the end of the day if I'm going to make this work."

Jax nodded. "I heard. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Alexis shook her head. "I don't think so. It's basically just an enormous documentation exercise - dozens of filings to be drafted and reviewed. I'm going to call my old firm in just a minute to see if they can pull a team together to tackle this. They'll be in the office by 9:30. Would you please tell Kristina I'll be out in a few minutes to see her?"

"Absolutely." Jax took her hand as he stood and squeezed it. For an instant he wanted to push her about Lorenzo, to ask her the question that had begun to form in his head when he saw her lead Lorenzo by the hand out to the patio, but he knew it wasn't the right time and he knew he wasn't ready for what the answer might be. Instead he kissed her hand lightly and went out the door.

After Jax left the room, Alexis rolled over onto her stomach, burying her head underneath a pillow. His patience and kindness were daggers through her guilty heart. He was loving and sweet and devoted to her and her daughter, but instead of grabbing hold of the happy future he had so unexpectedly put in front of her, she was choosing to risk it, choosing to play with fire with Lorenzo. What was wrong with her? She had left Jax alone in bed - left him home to take care of her daughter - while she stayed out all night with another man, an entirely unacceptable man, and even if it was business, and even if she hadn't so much as kissed Lorenzo, the night had been far from innocent. Each minute that she chose to spend with Lorenzo was a guilty minute, a dangerous minute, a minute spent hovering around a flame, testing how close she could get without getting burned. The only smart thing to do would be to stay away from the flame, to walk away from Lorenzo before it was too late.

Alexis sat up abruptly in bed and threw the covers off. Through the window she saw the lake and the pine trees at the far end that had been the last to be touched by the sun's rays that morning, and she saw the channel marker where the ospreys lived. The events of the previous night were more vivid in her mind now, and she remembered the colors that had spread over the sky at sunrise, and she remembered the look on Lorenzo's face as he looked at her and the way it made her feel. That was a kind of happiness, too.

chapter 27