Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 20

That evening, after putting Kristina to bed, Alexis returned to the living room and set about tidying up the mess left by Hurricane Kristina. Little plastic people and animals and cups littered the room, all of the couch pillows were in a pile on the floor, and most of the books from the lowest shelves had been pulled from the bookcases.

She turned Kristina's little grocery cart upright and began gathering together the assorted plastic fruits and vegetables scattered about the room. Jax appeared in the doorway from the kitchen holding two glasses of red wine. "Dinner has arrived, Mrs. Jacks. Will you join me at the dining table?"

Alexis looked up and had to smile at him. He looked so happy and eager and pleased with himself, and in an open white shirt and khakis he looked sweetly romantic and sexy. She gestured around her at the remaining mess. "Just let me finish damage control here. Believe me, if you step on one of these blocks in the dark tonight, you'll scream bloody murder and then throw me in the lake."

"The mess can wait. Dinner can't. I promise I won't throw you in the lake no matter how excruciating the pain. At least not until summer."

Alexis bent over and picked up more pieces of food. "Just one more minute."

When she stood back upright, Jax was standing close in front of her, looking down at her intently. He offered her one of the wineglasses he held, and she dropped the plastic corn on the cob in her hand to accept it. She smiled at him in surrender.

With his free hand, Jax reached around the back of Alexis's neck and brought her to him for a kiss. She tensed initially, but soon she relaxed under the warmth of his lips and gave into the kiss, then finally drew the kiss to a close and pulled away. Eyeing Jax cautiously, she took a sip of her wine, then lowered her wineglass and held it curled in her hand in front of her chest, in a protective position between them. She looked at Jax as if she were trying to figure something out, but didn't speak.

"What?" asked Jax finally.

She continued to inspect him. "I'm just trying to figure out what's going on here." Her tone was cautious but not unfriendly.

"I'm kissing you."

"Yes, I know that. But why?"

"Because I want to. Because I like to kiss you." His smile made his eyes twinkle.

A quick smile flashed across her face in response, then she became quizzical again. "And because now we're lovers?"

"I've always liked to kiss you. I thought you liked to kiss me, too."

"I do. It's just a lot more complicated now."

Jax sighed in knowing exasperation and looked at Alexis affectionately. "Shall I put dinner in the oven to keep warm while you explain what is so complicated about kissing?"

"That's probably a good idea. Or maybe we can just talk about it over dinner. I'm starving."

"Come on." Jax took Alexis's hand and led her to the dining room. Alexis smiled when she saw that Jax had set the table with linens and good china, and he had lit candles around the room. Once they were seated, he looked at her expectantly. "Okay. Explain. Why is my kissing you complicated now?"

Alexis sighed uncomfortably. "Because I don't know what it means."

"It means I want to kiss you. What else would it mean?"

Alexis considered his question. She picked up her fork and began to eat and talk at once. "Okay. Let me try to explain this. You and I have kissed a thousand times over the years, right?" Jax nodded. "Little friendly kisses, more . . . serious kisses from time to time for show, all kinds of kisses. And I've always liked kissing you. Even when it was just to fool Aunt Gertrude or make Ned jealous, I liked it. Probably more than I should admit. And part of what I liked was that it was simple. A kiss was just a kiss. I could just enjoy kissing you and not think about anything else - no expectations, no pressures."

"Why can't you do that now?"

"Everything changes once you sleep with someone. Or even think about sleeping with someone. Then a kiss is foreplay. And I hate that."

Jax wrinkled his brow, smiling slightly. "You hate foreplay?"

"No. I hate . . ."

"Kissing?"

"No. I like kissing. I like kissing you. I just hate having to think about where the kiss is going, or what it means, or whether it's making promises I don't intend to keep."

"Then don't," Jax suggested. "Just enjoy it. I do. You can kiss me without making me think that the next stop is bed."

"Really?"

"Really."

She leaned over and kissed him, as if to test his claim. She closed her eyes, savoring the kiss, then opened them again, pulling back with a smile. "No expectations?" she asked. Jax shook his head, almost laughing. "Great," Alexis declared, satisfied, and went back to her food. Jax did laugh then, a gentle laugh of disbelief and affection, slightly in awe of how truly neurotic she could be.

Jax set down his fork and raised his wineglass. "I'd like to make a toast." Alexis followed suit obediently. "To my beautiful, neurotic, sexy as hell ex-wife and her spectacular daughter, who have brought chaos to my home and joy to my heart. To your - to our - new beginning. May the sunshine push away the darkness, and may love and laughter be your companions on every adventure. Let worldly empires burn themselves to ash; we can build a castle in these walls."

Alexis bit her lip to keep the tears forming in her eyes from falling. She touched her glass to his, and they each took a sip, and then she kissed him gently. When she spoke, her voice was wistful and a bitter echo of his. "Let the Cassadine empire go the way of Sodom and Gomorrah; I will try not to look back."

* * * * *

After dinner was finished, Jax carried the plates into the kitchen and together they did the dishes. Alexis said little and looked at him less, tackling the cleaning with unusual enthusiasm and thoroughness. Jax watched her curiously. When at last every dish had been washed and dried and put away and every counter was clean, Alexis finally stopped moving and looked at him. She leaned back against the sink and threw her hands in the air. "Now what?" she asked bluntly.

"What do you mean?" Jax made a conscious decision to remain where he was across the floor from Alexis.

Alexis shrugged helplessly. "I don't know what's supposed to happen now."

"Nothing is supposed to happen. What do you want to happen?"

"I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know what our relationship is supposed to be now, Jax. Are we lovers?"

"We were last night," Jax answered in a matter-of-fact voice. "And we can be again. If that's what you want."

"Is that what you want?"

Jax smiled. "More than anything. But only if it's what you want. We could watch a movie. We could sit outside and look at the stars. We could go to sleep."

"In our own rooms?"

"If that's what you'd like. Or together. We can do whatever you want, Alexis."

Alexis smiled gratefully and shook her head in wonder. "You're the sweetest man I've ever known, Jasper Jacks. Thank you for putting up with me." She crossed the kitchen and hugged him, then took his hands in hers. "You know, I'm really not usually quite this neurotic about this . . . stage of a relationship. It's true," she insisted, seeing his skeptical look. "Usually I just run and hide. But when you're already roommates, you can't exactly retire to your separate corners and figure things out."

Jax kissed her gently. "We don't have to figure this out today, Alexis, or even tomorrow or the next day. We don't have to define this yet. Today, we'll do what we want to do today. Tomorrow, we'll do what we want to do tomorrow. We can just take it one day at a time and see what happens."

Alexis smiled. "That sounds so reasonable when you say it. And not very scary at all."

"Good." Jax kissed her again, then dropped her hands and started to move away. Alexis reached for him and grabbed hold of his shirt, pulling him back toward her again. She leaned into him, a tentative smile tugging at her lips and growing into a seductive grin. With one hand holding his shirt collar and the other wrapped behind his neck, she pulled him down for a longer, sweeter kiss.

"So," she murmured, kissing him again on the mouth, and then again and again on his face and neck and chest as she continued to talk. "I can kiss you like this, and you won't assume that I want to make love? We can just kiss and kiss, if that's what I want, and you won't be mad?" Lost in her kisses, Jax murmured something that sounded like agreement. "Well, what if I do want you to take me to bed?" she asked, continuing her kisses. "How do I let you know?"

Jax groaned slightly. "Ah. Maybe we could work out some sort of a hand signal."

"Mmmm. Good idea. Like this?"

* * * * *

Alexis lay awake in bed long after she and Jax made love. He had fallen asleep next to her much earlier, but her mind was restless and racing too fast to sleep. She kept going over in her head the legal work she had done so far and what remained to be done to turn over the Cassadine assets to Helena, trying to satisfy herself that she hadn't overlooked anything. She felt sick to her stomach at the thought of filing the papers the next day. She tried to convince herself that walking away would free her and Kristina from Helena at last, and she tried to visualize Jax's happy future, but it was hard for her to see it alone. Images of her childhood kept intruding.

At a little after eleven o'clock, Alexis gave up on sleeping and slipped out of bed. She put her clothes back on and sat in a chair by the window, looking out at the lake. In the faint red light put out by the channel marker, she could just barely make out the osprey nest.

Finally she made a decision. She stood, picked up Jax's cell phone from his nightstand, and, after watching him sleep for a long moment, left the bedroom and went out to the kitchen. Scrolling through the list of recent calls on his phone, she found the number she was looking for and pressed 'send'.

"Hello?" Lorenzo's voice sounded gruff. Was he already asleep or was he with someone?

"Lorenzo. It's Alexis." Her voice was tight.

"Alexis?" She heard a rustling and strain in his voice as he sat up. "Are you okay? Did something happen?" His voice was clearer now.

"No, everything's fine. I'd like to talk to you. About Helena."

"Okay. Sure. Do you want to talk now?"

"Yes. If that's okay with you. If it's too late or if I'm interrupting something, we can do it tomorrow."

"No, no, you're not interrupting anything. I just fell asleep over some paperwork," Lorenzo explained. Alexis let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding, then felt guilty for her relief. "I've been keeping some odd hours lately. Now is fine."

"Thanks. Can we meet someplace? I'd rather not do this over the phone."

"Sure. Do you want me to come there?"

"No. Jax and Kristina are asleep. I don't want to disturb them."

"I'm at my office. Do you want to come here?"

Alexis hesitated, her jaw clenched, then nodded. "Yes. I'll be there in half an hour."