Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 16

They sat in silence throughout the drive home. Alexis stared out the window at the falling night, too beaten and weary to have thoughts to get lost in, and Jax focused on the road, glancing over periodically to check on Alexis but unwilling to intrude on her solitude. Only Kristina's chatter broke the silence. The little girl seemed exhilarated by the unusual sensations of being out at night - the glow of streetlights, crickets chirping, the velvety night air - but she finally fell off to sleep as they neared home.

When they arrived at the lakehouse, there was no sign of Lorenzo's men. Jax carried Kristina inside and put the sleeping child in her crib, then went to the kitchen to prepare tea and popcorn while Alexis put on her pajamas. They met again on the couch.

Alexis tucked herself under Jax's arm, resting her head on his chest and soaking up his strength and solidity and calm. "Lorenzo knows," she said finally. "He knows Sonny is Kristina's father."

Jax nestled his face into her soft hair. "What do you think he'll do about it?"

"I don't know. " Jax could feel Alexis shaking her head on his chest. "But I'm really scared. Too many people know now. Carly, Lorenzo, Ned. And they don't have the decency to just keep their mouths shut. They look at Kristina and they don't see a beautiful little girl; they see a weapon they can use -- against me, against Sonny. I'm afraid she's going to get hurt, Jax. And I'm afraid someone's going to tell Sonny, and he's going to take her from me."

"You know I'll do absolutely anything I can to keep that from happening." Jax wrapped both arms around Alexis.

"I know. I just feel really helpless."

Alexis was silent and still for a long while, trying not to worry or plan, just letting the warm feelings of love and safety she always felt with Jax wash over her. The knot of fear and tension in her stomach slowly unwound, and eventually she reached for the bowl of popcorn on the table.

"You know," she began more energetically, putting a piece of popcorn in her mouth. "I really never thought of myself as naïve. Neurotic, yes. Insecure, sometimes. A soft touch for a little charm, maybe once or twice. But naïve? Never. In fact, I might even go so far as to call myself a cynic. Agreed?"

"Cynic," Jax said gently, smiling. He was glad to see a little life returning to Alexis.

"I mean, I know better than anyone how horrible people can be. I know we all have a dark side. I know that people are fundamentally selfish. But I always figured that most people were basically decent, that they wouldn't go out of their way to hurt you." Alexis shook her head slightly in disbelief. "Yet I find myself surrounded by people who would just as soon be unkind as be anything else." She patted Jax gently on the chest. "Except for you, of course, my dear, sweet ex-husband. You're kinder to me than anyone has ever been. But you divorced me." Alexis grew more serious. "Why do I keep falling for these jerks?"

Jax shook his head. "I don't know, Alexis. But you're not the only one who does."

Alexis lifted her head from Jax's chest and looked at him closely. She saw the sadness in his eyes left by all the foolish women who preferred men like Sonny Corinthos to him, and she felt a surge of affection and sympathy. "I'm so sorry, Jax," she said, touching her hand to his cheek. She went to kiss him, but pulled back just as their lips brushed, stopped by an unfamiliar intensity in the way he looked at her. She rested her head back on his chest. "Women can be idiots."

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Jax teased. He kissed her head again, his lips insisting that he complete the touch she had drawn back from. He adopted a musing tone. "Do you think you'll ever get married again?"

Alexis shrugged slightly. "I don't know. Probably not. How about you?"

"I hope so. You really think you'll spend the rest of your life alone, raising Kristina alone?"

"I guess. It's not that I want to be alone. I don't. I just can't really imagine falling in love again. I know falling in love is always unlikely, but for me, with Kristina and everything else, it just seems impossible. And the thought of trusting someone enough to let him into our lives . . . I don't think I'm capable of that kind of trust anymore."

"I'm sorry," Jax said gently, kissing her head.

"It's okay. I'm not afraid of being alone." Alexis smiled. "Besides, remember what happened the last time I tried to get married? I don't think I'd make it to the church at all if I were dragging Kristina into marriage with me."

"Does marriage really scare you that much?"

"I don't know. Maybe it was just Ned. And everyone else. I think that if I knew for certain that being married would be like it was with you and me, I might have been okay, I might be okay."

Jax looked down at her with amusement. "Alexis, we had separate bedrooms."

"Exactly." She nodded, laughing. "No, I just mean that I never felt suffocated with you. I never felt like you were trying to tell me who Alexis Davis was or should be. You were truly my helpmate, and it seems to me that's the way it ought to be."

"Yeah, I think you're probably right."

"And to be perfectly honest, I think the separate bedrooms probably helped. Sex just complicates things."

"It doesn't have to."

"It always does. At least for me. So why bother?" She waved a hand flippantly. "I really think most of the trouble in my life could have been avoided if I had just sworn off sex a little sooner."

"You've sworn off sex?"

"Well, not exactly. It's just not part of my life anymore. I'm too busy with other things. I don't think about it." Alexis ignored the voice in her head reminding her about Lorenzo and the fact that she had thought of little else but sex in the last few days. "And I'm okay with that."

"So you're just not going to have sex again? You can't mean that."

"Why not? It seems to be working out okay so far." She smiled, relenting a little. "I'm sorry. I'm teasing you a bit. All I'm really saying is that being married to you and sleeping with Ned had a certain simplicity to it."

"It wasn't simple, Alexis. Far from it. And it wasn't natural."

"Maybe not," Alexis conceded. She didn't really want to try to explain any more.

A minute passed before either of them spoke again, a minute in which Jax gathered his courage. "Can I ask you a question, Alexis?"

"Mm-hmm." He felt her nod against his chest.

"Did you ever think things between us could have been . . . different? I mean . . . more?"

Alexis sat up. "You mean romantically speaking?"

"Yeah. I mean before, when we first got to know each other. Or when we were married. I mean, I know you had Ned all that time -"

"And you had Chloe."

"Yeah. Never mind. Of course you didn't." He pulled her back down to his chest, but she sat up again immediately.

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, I did. Well, not think, so much, but wonder if maybe . . . Not all the time, of course. But from time to time. At the beginning mostly."

"Yeah. Me, too. Did you ever think of doing something about it?"

She shook her head. "No, not really. You?"

"Once or twice."

"Why didn't you?"

"Ned, I guess. And I didn't want to mess things up with you. I figured you'd be off and running if I ever mentioned it. And you? Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Ned. I mean, I was in love with him, right? And at the beginning you were in mourning, just trying to put the pieces of your life back together. And then there was Chloe. And then we were married, and well, it was just out of the question." She smiled.

Jax grinned. "Oh, yeah, sex would have been completely inappropriate then. Immoral, even." He grew more serious. "So I guess the timing was just never right."

"I think it was more than that. You and I became friends, and I valued that so much. I was content with our relationship. I'm not really one to rock the boat, and I certainly wasn't going to risk blowing things up for something as unimportant as sex."

Jax raised an eyebrow. "Unimportant? Isn't sex one of those things that only seems unimportant when you have enough? Sort of like money?"

Alexis whacked him gently on the chest. "Okay, maybe not unimportant. But certainly troublesome. And unreliable. We were play acting, right? It was easy to get confused. And from the beginning I figured that whatever romantic notions crept in from time to time were just because you were this incredibly dashing figure out of a storybook -- Lancelot and Prince Charming all in one. Really, you're every girl's dream come true, Jax."

"Funny how that hasn't really worked out for me." Jax pulled away from her gently and stood up. He walked over to the sliding glass door leading out to the patio and stopped with his back to Alexis. The door was open, letting in the night breeze.

"I'm so sorry about that, Jax." Alexis raised herself off the couch more awkwardly and followed him across the room. Letting him keep his back to her, she wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her cheek on his back. "I really don't understand why you keep getting the short end of the stick. You deserve so much more."

Jax's strong hands moved down to grasp Alexis's wrists. He pressed her arms more tightly around him. "What about now, Alexis? Do you ever think about us now?" He felt Alexis tense and try to withdraw her arms from around him. At the slight resistance of his hands, she stopped.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you ever think maybe we can finally have it all? "

"What is this about, Jax?" Alexis asked carefully. "Is this about seeing Sam with Sonny tonight?"

"No, it's not. It's really not about Sonny Corinthos at all. It's about you and me, and thinking maybe the timing is finally right. It's about how happy I am having you and Kristina here. It's about me wanting to help you be really happy - not because you need me to or expect me to, but because that's what you do for me." Jax released Alexis's wrists and turned to face her, then placed his hands gently on her waist to dissuade her from running away. He tipped his head down, drawing her eyes to his. "It's about me not wanting to say goodnight to you yet again, and not wanting to lie in bed another night thinking of you down the hall. And most of all it's about these pajamas" -- he nodded his head toward the black silk pajamas she wore -- "and how desperately I want to undo these buttons and finally take these pajamas off you."

Adrenaline surged through Alexis's body and she felt her heart pounding against her chest, but she didn't look away and she didn't try to leave. For a long minute she just looked at Jax's loving face, trying to make sense of his words and searching for a reason why he was wrong. She couldn't seem to find one.

When his hands felt her initial rush of nervousness subside, Jax slowly leaned down to Alexis and placed his lips on hers. It was barely a kiss, just an intimate touch, as he let her become accustomed to the warmth of his lips. Then he kissed her gently, once, twice, three times, feeling her mouth relax and her lips become more malleable. His kisses became more intimate as her mouth opened slightly, and she began to kiss him back. She put her hands on his hips to steady herself against the rush of dizziness and disorientation she felt. His hands left her hips and he embedded his fingers in her hair, pouring all of his feeling and skill into convincing her with his kisses.

When they came to a natural break in their initial outpouring of kisses, Jax pulled back slightly, letting them catch their breath and watching Alexis for her reaction. For a moment she just met his eyes, looking flushed and beautiful with a kind of nervous elation, then a smile started to unfold and didn't stop until she was grinning at him and he was grinning back.

"Thank you, Mr. Jacks," Alexis said, her heart surging with a giddy happiness. Biting her lower lip, she took his hands in hers and pulled him back down to her. After a teasing pause, she brought her lips to his and kissed him fully, then again and again, alternately quick and slow, gentle and demanding, returning his skill and attention in kind.

Their kisses grew more passionate and unruly, and the game was left behind, and finally Alexis wrapped her hands around Jax's neck and he swept her up into his arms, holding her easily against his chest. He carried her down the hall and set her down gently on the bed in his room.

She sat on the edge of the bed and he kneeled on the floor in front of her, taking her hands in his and kissing them. She wanted to ask if he was sure, but she could see the certainty on his face, so instead she voiced her own doubts. "I'm scared, Jax. I'm afraid of ruining everything."

He smiled, and she was relieved that he wasn't disappointed or hurt. "I know."

"The last time I did this I lost a friend. He said it wouldn't change things, but it did. I don't want to lose you, Jax. And I don't want to be another woman who hurts you."

Jax brushed her bangs off her face, then kissed her once, softly. "Of course making love is going to change things. But it doesn't have to ruin anything, and we don't have to hurt each other. I'm not afraid to love you, Alexis. Please don't be afraid to let me love you."

Alexis wiped away a tear, then wrapped her arms tightly around Jax's neck, almost sliding off the bed. He hugged her back, and for a long while they clung to one another fiercely. Finally Alexis released him, then put her hands on his chest and gently pushed him away. His shoulders dropped slightly in disappointment, but he tried to smile.

His breath caught when he saw Alexis's fingers travel to her neckline and unbutton the top button of her pajamas. She gave him a smile that was both seductive and giddy, sexy and conspiratorial, and all invitation, and his heart leapt. As her fingers moved down to tackle her next button, his hands reached out to stop her, and he replaced her fingers with his own. Almost worshipful, he savored each unbuttoning and the additional skin it laid bare, until finally he was able to pull the cool fabric from her body, and he dropped it on the floor.

chapter 17