Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 10

Alexis wasn't sure how she had managed to make it to the car after leaving Lorenzo. She barely remembered the journey, other than the voice in her head instructing her to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Marcus must have opened the door, and she found herself sinking down into the backseat, where she was welcomed by Kristina's happy smile and cry of "mama."

Feeling off-balance and too drained to wrestle with her crutches any longer, Alexis instructed the guards to skip the stop at the park and go straight home. She was mortified by what she knew Marcus had seen, but she put on her most regal Cassadine manner and managed not to apologize or make excuses to him or even blush. She almost laughed out loud in disgust when she realized what she was doing: trying to imitate Helena.

By the time Alexis and Kristina arrived back at the lake house, Jax was already on his way out. He kissed them both lightly on the head and promised to be back for lunch. Alexis was relieved when the door closed behind him; she felt unable to string two sentences together, and trying to fake a conversation with Jax - so sweet and attentive - would have been torture.

Alice arrived a short time later and spirited Kristina off on a walk along the lake, leaving Alexis alone with her tormented thoughts. Desperate for distraction and some semblance of normalcy, she sat down at Jax's desk, opened her briefcase and took out a pile of papers dealing with the disposition of various Cassadine holdings, trying to focus on what needed to be done with them. Alexis had not yet decided what her next move would be, whether she would make a serious move to consolidate her power or walk away.

As she usually did when making difficult decisions, Alexis tried to visualize each alternative: how it would play out and how it would leave her feeling. It was easy to see the steps she would take if she were to make a move on the Cassadines - her analytical mind, trained for this project since adolescence, was already laying out the best strategy with crystalline clarity. Helena was the blind spot. She was unpredictable and always deadly. This couldn't be done without engaging Helena, and that meant that there would be a difficult and dangerous fight, probably to the death. That was the part that made Alexis want to walk away and that usually made her push these thoughts away before she had them. She wasn't just afraid for Kristina's physical safety and her own; she was afraid to be the person she would have to be to win that fight. It would mean embracing the darkest parts of her Cassadine heritage, the parts she had spent her life keeping at bay.

But if she won - Alexis felt almost giddy at the thought. It was almost too ludicrous to imagine: Alexis Davidovich, distant cousin, ignored and mistreated, dismissed as weak and pitiful, standing at the head of the wretched Cassadines, no longer reliant on their begrudging charity, taking her rightful place as Natasha Cassadine, only surviving child of Mikkos. Alexis had always tried to maintain an ironic distance from the Cassadines' most megalomaniacal aspirations and dastardly plots, but she remembered well the thrill she had felt working side by side with Stefan on his more ambitious schemes. Nothing had ever matched it, not even the most high-stakes courtroom battles.

The phone rang, bringing Alexis back from that fantasy with a surge of guilt for harboring it at all, but Alexis ignored the call. She turned her thoughts to the alternative future, the sensible one in which she walked away from the Cassadines and let Helena have it all. Alexis would have to let go of everything -- her claims, her anger, her need for recognition and vengeance. She would have to let Natasha rest in peace. Maybe then Helena would leave her alone, and she and Kristina could be free of the guards and the fear, and just live their quiet lives and be happy. It was a pretty future, but there were so many uncertainties, and there would still be the shadow cast by Sonny. Alexis tried to imagine how it would feel to walk away. Would she feel as empty and dissatisfied and aching as she felt when she walked away from Lorenzo? Did she have a choice?

Alexis shook her head, trying to clear her brain. Thoughts of Lorenzo would only confuse the issue. But it was too late; her mind was already back at Kelly's. It was difficult to believe any of it had really happened. If the memory weren't so vividly sensual, if she couldn't still feel him against her, she would think it was just a movie she had seen.

There was a knock on the door. Alexis put down the papers she was holding - somewhat surprised to find them in her hands -- and made her way to the door. It was Marcus, and this time Alexis did blush. He was holding a cell phone out to her. "It's Mr. Alcazar, ma'am. He said he tried to call you on your line but there was no answer. He says it's important."

Alexis took the offered cell phone and turned away, trying to compose herself and find her normal voice. "Hello."

"Alexis, it's Lorenzo. Please don't hang up. It's about Helena." He paused, waiting to see if she would hang up.

"Go ahead," Alexis said in a non-committal tone.

"I just spoke to some contacts in Greece, and it looks like Helena has been on a bit of a shopping spree. She's buying weapons, chemicals, lab supplies, you name it. Some pretty odd stuff. And she's hiring."

Alexis sighed heavily. Her head was beginning to hurt. She hadn't had her usual dose of coffee that morning. It was Lorenzo's fault.

"I think this is a good opportunity, Alexis." Lorenzo sounded business-like and focused. "I want to try to get some of my men in there. If we can get people on the inside, I think it could make all the difference. But I need to talk to you about this. You know her better than anyone. I need to know what will work."

"What do you want to know?" Her voice was resigned and weary.

"I don't think we should do this on the phone. Can I come over?"

"No."

"Okay, then you come to me. Come to my office."

Alexis imagined being in an office alone with Lorenzo. She would probably end up on the desk. "No."

"Okay, I'll meet you someplace." He was trying to be patient. "You tell me where."

"Someplace public." What was the least erotic place she knew? "The playground by the south entrance to the park. I'll be there in thirty minutes. On one condition."

"What?"

"Promise to stay on your end of the bench. Promise you won't . . . do anything." Lorenzo laughed. "I'm serious, Lorenzo."

"Okay, okay, I promise. I won't do anything. Unless you ask." She could hear the sexy smile in his voice and her stomach flipped. "Are you going to bring Kristina?"

"No. She's playing outside with Alice."

"Okay, then leave Marcus and Mike there with her. I'll send a car around for you."

"Fine."

"See you soon."

Alexis hung up and gave the phone back to Marcus. She went to her bedroom to get her purse and found herself looking in the mirror critically. For the first time in awhile, she basically liked what she saw. The lines that had gathered around her eyes in the last two years were softer than usual, despite her poor sleep, and she liked the rare rosiness in her cheeks. She looked excited and alive. She felt it, too, and nervous as if she were preparing for a date. She assessed her clothes from every angle in the full-length mirror hanging on the closet door and decided that apart from the cast she was happy with the sweater and skirt she had thrown on that morning. She brushed her teeth, put on lipstick, and even found herself staring in the medicine cabinet contemplating doing something about birth control. Finally she caught herself. "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" she yelled at the reflection in the mirror.

She went to the phone to call Lorenzo and cancel their meeting. He would have to get his information over the phone. She was still looking up his number when there was another knock on the door. "The car is here, Ms. Davis," called Marcus.

Alexis scribbled a note for Alice and Jax, picked up her purse and went outside. Marcus opened the door of the waiting limousine and held her crutches as she slid awkwardly in, then she took the crutches back and he closed the door. Finally Alexis looked up, and jumped in surprise at the realization that there was another person in the backseat.

Lorenzo sat on the other side reading the Financial Times. Alexis eyed him warily. "What are you doing here?"

He didn't look up. "Carpooling."

"What do you mean?"

Lorenzo shrugged slightly but continued reading. "We're going the same place. You needed a ride. I needed a ride. It seemed silly not to share. Oil prices are only going up, you know."

Alexis was dumbfounded. "You promised you wouldn't . . . do anything."

"Oh, I won't. Just forget I'm here. Paper?" He picked up a section lying on the seat next to him and offered it to her. He finally looked at her, but with the impersonal smile one would give a stranger on a train.

Alexis took the offered paper. "Thank you." She put on her glasses and opened the paper. Several minutes passed in silence, as they each pretended to be immersed in reading.

The smell of coffee wafted toward Alexis. She spotted a take-out cup in Lorenzo's cupholder. "I don't suppose you have another cup of that?" She glanced over at him.

"No, I'm afraid not. But I'm happy to share." He picked up the cup and offered it to Alexis with a friendly smile. As she took it, their fingers brushed. A jolt of electricity surged between them that belied the game they were playing.

"Thank you." She sucked greedily at the coffee. At least she could satisfy one of her needs.

They went back to their papers. After another minute Lorenzo spoke casually. "Looks like the EU is really cracking down on cross-border lending practices. Seems they're quite concerned about money laundering."

"I suppose that must make things difficult for you." Alexis said with a hint of snottiness.

"Not at all." Lorenzo smirked. He continued reading. "So, how is it living with your ex-husband again?"

"Quite enjoyable, thank you."

"Has he stopped the snoring or whatever else it was that made you divorce him?"

"Oh, Jax doesn't snore. And he doesn't take the covers or leave the toilet seat up or drink from the milk carton. He's a wonderful husband, really." Alexis turned a page. "Really it seems as if we were never divorced. It's been so easy going back to our old married ways."

"Did you run around with other men when you were married, too?" Lorenzo suppressed an evil grin.

Alexis swallowed hard to maintain her composure. "As a matter of fact, yes I did. I'm afraid I was unfaithful from the day we were married until the day we divorced." Lorenzo looked up at her sharply. She had gotten him.

Alexis looked out the window. "Lorenzo, we should be there by now. Where are we?"

Lorenzo lowered the separating glass and leaned forward to speak to the driver. "Is there a problem, Mario? We don't seem to be near the park." He tried not to smile.

"I'm sorry, sir," came the response. "We seem to have taken a wrong turn. It should just be a few more minutes."

Alexis looked up with amused curiosity. "Marcus, Mike, Mario. Is there a theme?"

Lorenzo shrugged casually. "It amuses me. None of them use real names anyway."

Alexis laughed out loud, a genuine laugh that broke through their pretense of formality and disengagement. Lorenzo looked over at the happy sound and finally gave her a real smile.

"Are you done with that?" he asked, gesturing at the coffee cup she had commandeered.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Yes." She handed it back to him and their hands brushed again. This time she didn't pull away as quickly.

"It's empty." He looked at the cup with disappointment.

"Sorry." She shrugged apologetically and picked up the paper again. Lorenzo didn't do the same. She could feel him watching her as she pretended to read. The happy warm feeling she had been enjoying was quickly replaced by a hot heavy tingling feeling. It was happening again. If there weren't a dozen reasons not to and a cast on her foot, she would have slid over and straddled him.

Instead she lowered the paper and looked at him over the top of her glasses. "I have a question. And this really is a question and absolutely not a proposition or a suggestion or permission of any kind." He waited, intrigued. "Do you think that if we just slept together once I could get this out of my system?"

Lorenzo let out a laugh. "Is that a trick question?"

"No, really, I'm serious. I want to know what you think. Because, to be perfectly honest, I really want to. Sleep with you, that is. I think you're aware of that. But I can't, of course. And I just really want to know what I need to do to make it stop so I can feel sane again."

"You don't really want it to stop."

"Yes, I do."

He shook his head knowingly. "No, you don't. You're having too much fun."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. Right now, right at this moment, sitting in this car with me, you're having more fun than you've had in a year." He smiled confidently.

"Even if I were, Lorenzo, that really wouldn't be saying much." Alexis shook her head, scowling. "Fun is not the point. I don't have time for fun. Besides, how much fun is it really if it turns out to be an illusion - if it all goes away in a puff of smoke once we give in or if you change your cologne or something?"

"Is that what you're worried about, Alexis? You won't let yourself enjoy it because you're afraid you'll lose it?"

"I'm worried about a lot of things, Lorenzo. I'm worried about everything." She looked out the window. They were finally at the park. "I don't understand what's going on here, and that makes me uncomfortable. I don't trust things I don't understand. I just don't."

The car stopped and Mario got out. Lorenzo took Alexis's hand gently. "I wish I could tell you I understand what's going on, Alexis. I don't, but I guess it doesn't bother me as much as it does you. I know that you have good reasons to be scared. But maybe instead of pushing me away you can let me help you. Maybe we can work through this together." Alexis listened to him, uncertainty written all over her face. Mario opened her door, and Lorenzo motioned her toward the exit. "Starting with Helena."

chapter 11