Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 8

The rest of the day crawled by in agonizing dreaminess for Alexis. Through conference calls and document reviews and lunch with Kristina, the trace of Lorenzo's lips seared her skin. Alexis was distracted and impatient, desperate to be done with the mundane tasks in front of her and be alone so she could close her eyes and feel him again. Some observing part of her brain told her it was unwise to dwell on what couldn't be, but she wanted to remember and savor each touch. All day her breath came short and heavy, and her fingers kept finding their way inside the collar of her shirt, trailing along the path blazed by Lorenzo's lips.

When finally Kristina was down after an early dinner, Alexis took the baby monitor and went out onto the patio. The night air was uncomfortably cool, but it was soothing to her flushed skin. Alexis sank into the chair, closed her eyes, and at last allowed her mind to drift back to the morning. She played through each moment of Lorenzo's visit, lingering over every touch and the memory of the exquisite sensation of his kisses. Again it ended too soon, and she pushed him away, and again she was left feeling unsatisfied and hopelessly conflicted.

Alexis jumped at the sound of the patio door sliding open. Expecting Jax but hoping it was somehow Lorenzo, she didn't turn around, trying to postpone the moment of disappointment and the end of her fantasy.

"Beautiful evening," Jax said as he approached. He leaned down and kissed Alexis on the top of her head, placing his hand casually on her neck. She wondered if Jax could feel her skin burning. "I missed you today," he said, with an affectionate smile that made her ashamed of her disappointment at seeing him. He settled into the chair next to her and took her hand in his. She smiled back, feeling the tumult inside her subside.

"Did you have a nice day at the office, dear?" Alexis asked, gently satirizing the married couple they appeared to be. "Raid any companies today?"

"No, not today. My day was fine, but I would rather have been here with you and Kristina. Too many dull meetings, not enough animal crackers. How was your day?"

"Oh, it was fine. Too many dull phone calls and too many animal crackers. But don't tell the parenting police I said that." Alexis raised her eyebrows in mock horror. She raised her right hand as if taking an oath. "I, Alexis Davis, hereby affirm that I worship the ground my daughter toddles on, and I acknowledge and agree that my highest, and indeed sole, purpose in life shall be the pursuit of her happiness." She smiled grimly.

"I see your car has returned. Did Mr. Alcazar come by?" Jax tried to make the question sound innocuous.

"Yes, he did," Alexis answered, a little too briskly. "This morning. He was here briefly."

"Did he have any news of Helena?"

"Nope. Nothing." Alexis shook her head.

"Were you okay with his visit?" Jax sensed something was off.

"Oh, sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, maybe because his brother was Luis Alcazar. That has to be difficult for you."

"Oh, it is, I guess. But we seem to be getting past that. Not that it matters anyway - I don't expect to see him again." Alexis tried to sound nonchalant.

Jax watched Alexis carefully. That nervous breeziness usually meant she was trying to hide her real feelings. "Is there something going on with Alcazar that I should know about?"

"No," Alexis answered with exaggerated innocence. "What would be going on?"

"I don't know. I guess I got the feeling in the hospital that Mr. Alcazar was taking a very personal interest in you. Is the feeling mutual?"

Alexis shook her head in exasperation. "Jax. Please don't. I'm - there's nothing going on. I told him not to come here anymore."

"Okay," Jax said carefully. The fact that she felt it necessary to tell Lorenzo to stay away wasn't lost on him. "Well, good. I have to admit I'm relieved. I wouldn't like to see you get involved with another Sonny Corinthos."

Alexis rolled her eyes. "Lorenzo is nothing like Sonny. He's --" Alexis stopped herself. What did she really know about Lorenzo's redeeming qualities? Besides, Jax had heard it all before from her about Sonny.

"No? Well, he does hate Sonny. And Sonny hates him. I don't want to see you get caught in the middle of that. Or Kristina," he added carefully.

Alexis looked at Jax out of the corner of her eye, trying to discern how significant his last words were.

"I ran into Ned today," Jax said too brightly, as though changing the subject. "He wanted to know what he could do to help. He offered to take Kristina any time you need it."

Alexis shook her head slightly. "I can't let him do that." Alexis continued to watch Jax closely, sensing where he was heading.

"I know, Alexis. And I'm sorry about that. I wish . . . I wish I were her father." He looked out at the water, letting his words hang in the air a moment, giving Alexis time to absorb their import. Then he turned toward her. "I wish you had asked me to help you."

She nodded. "Yeah," Alexis said sadly. "I kinda do, too." She laughed and grabbed a handful of his blond locks. "But no one would have believed me."

"I guess not."

"How did you know? Does anyone else know?"

Jax squeezed Alexis's hand in reassurance. "No, no one else knows. At least not as far as I know. I guess I just finally put two and two together when I saw him with her at the hospital. It's not really obvious, but there is a resemblance. And knowing you and everything that has happened the last few years, it all just made sense. A lot more sense than Ned ever did."

"I never should have let Ned do it." She shook her head regretfully. "You know, I didn't ask him to help. He just stepped in. But I let him. I didn't even think what it would do to my sister." A familiar self-loathing filled her. "I let her think Ned had cheated on her. What kind of sister am I? And when she finally found out the truth, it cost her her life." Jax looked at Alexis with confusion. "She went to the warehouse to tell Sonny the truth," she explained.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I didn't know, obviously. But neither did you. It's not your fault that warehouse blew up. That was Alcazar and Sonny."

Alexis pulled her hand from Jax and leaned forward in the chair, resting her elbows on her knees and pressing her palms into her eyes. Her head and stomach ached from the guilt and desire warring inside her.

Jax rubbed her back gently. "For what it's worth, Alexis, I think you did the right thing. I know it cost more than you expected, but you've kept Kristina safe. She's safe and she's happy."

"That's all I was ever trying to do." She lifted her head and rested her chin in her hands.

"I know. And I know it hasn't been easy. You loved Sonny, right?" Alexis nodded slightly. "But you let that go, you made him hate you, to keep Kristina safe. I've seen the way he treats you, and you let him. You don't try to make nice with him. "

Alexis shrugged. "It's better for Kristina if I keep him away from us."

Jax touched her cheek gently. "And that's why you sent Alcazar away, right? You're stronger than anyone I know, Alexis. You're a wonderful mother, and a remarkable woman."

She looked away, burying her face in her hands again. Why did his words make her feel like her heart was breaking? "I don't feel very remarkable, Jax."

Jax stood and kissed her again on top of the head. "Come on. Let's go inside. I'll make some popcorn. We can watch TV. We can talk. Or I can just hold you."

Alexis reached out and squeezed his hand. "You go on ahead. I think I'll stay out here a little while."

"Okay. Do you want a blanket or something to keep you warm?" Alexis shook her head. She was trying to look him in the eyes, but he could tell she wasn't really seeing him. She seemed to be somewhere else, trapped in her thoughts. Jax reluctantly went inside.

An hour later Alexis finally followed him in, chilled to the bone but no more at peace. She found Jax sitting on the couch going through paperwork. Silently she tucked herself in next to him, knees curled to her chest as best her cast allowed, and rested her head on his chest. He put down his papers, wrapped his arms around her, and nestled his face in her soft hair. She felt his heart's slow steady beating and the calm, regular rise and fall of his chest. Gradually her own rhythm slowed to keep time with his, and finally the day's tension began to drain from her body.

chapter  9