Losing Balance
by Lionel

chapter 7

Alexis sat in an Adirondack chair on the patio of the lake house looking out at the water. Her coffee had long since turned cold in the early spring morning air, and her foot was beginning to throb, but she couldn't pull herself away. An osprey pair had built their nest on a channel marker just offshore, and she had been watching the pair tend to their nest and fish since she came outside an hour earlier after hanging up on Ric Lansing again.

In the four days since Alexis had been released from the hospital, she and Kristina had already settled into a comfortable routine at the lake house. Kristina's crib and the rest of her things had been moved from the apartment, and Jax had set aside one end of the living room as a playroom for Kristina. Alexis had been touched to find all of the electrical outlets plugged and cabinets latched with safety locks when they had arrived from the hospital.

Alexis's initial modesty over sharing living quarters with Jax had faded quickly, and they had resumed their old ways with ease. In the evenings after Kristina was asleep, Alexis and Jax sat side by side on the living room couch, Alexis in her pajamas, and they watched movies and ate popcorn and caught up on their work. In the mornings, Jax brought Alexis coffee and the newspaper in bed, and he entertained Kristina until Alexis had finished her first cup and the business section. Alexis was becoming more adept at maneuvering on her crutches, but still she was grateful not to be struggling with Kristina alone at the apartment.

There had been no further signs of Helena. Alexis hadn't yet made a decision about whether to proceed with her move to take control of the Cassadine holdings, but she could sense herself beginning to succumb to Jax's point of view. His optimism was contagious, and she could almost picture the peaceful, happy future he claimed could be hers if she would only walk away from her past. She could feel the shackles loosening. Maybe it was something about being here in the lake house, with all of this sunlight and fresh air -- so very different from Windemere and every other Cassadine abode.

Alexis wouldn't be able to postpone her decision much longer. Ric Lansing had called to let her know that the judge had granted his motion to have Nikolas declared legally dead. Something would have to happen now. Mikkos Cassadine's heirs were gone. There were no more sons, or sons of sons. Only Alexis and Kristina. And Helena.

Alexis turned sharply at the sound of the patio door sliding open behind her. Lorenzo emerged from the dark of the house. As he slid the door closed behind him, he scanned the patio for Alexis, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the bright sunlight. His pause gave Alexis time to recover from her initial reaction to seeing him. He was dressed crisply in a business suit and every bit as gorgeous as the image she had been chasing from her head for days. She had known men who tried to ooze sex appeal - Ned and Sonny came to mind - but none of them had ever had this effect on her. Without trying, without even touching her, he melted her body and turned all of her thoughts to sex. She found it very disconcerting.

"What are you doing here, Lorenzo?" Alexis asked, forcing her voice into a coolness she didn't feel. She struggled out of the deep-seated chair and picked up her crutches. She knew she would be unable to say what needed to be said if he was sitting in the adjoining chair.

Lorenzo's eyes finally found Alexis next to the chair. His own stomach leapt at the initial sight of her in the sunlight - she was dressed more casually than he had ever seen, in a flowing blue skirt and white lace blouse, and her hair was pulled back in the sexiest ponytail he had ever seen -- and he burned the image into his memory. She was every dream he would ever have. "Ah, there you are," he said, buying time to recover. "I dropped off your car," he explained, approaching. He wanted desperately to touch her - hands, hair, neck, anywhere - but instead he stopped a foot and a half away, just inside her personal space.

"Thank you," Alexis managed.

"The car's fixed. They went over it thoroughly, and everything else checks out. But they're sure it was sabotaged. Did you get my messages?"

Alexis nodded, putting her energy into keeping her body still. His belt buckle might as well be a magnet and her core molten iron for the strength of the force she felt pulling her to him.

"Why didn't you call me back?" He sounded hurt.

Alexis shrugged wordlessly. It seemed childish to say she'd been afraid to.

"Have you heard anything from Helena?"

"No." Alexis finally found her voice. "No sign of her or her yacht."

"Good. I haven't heard any more either. But that does make me wonder what made her change her plans. How is Kristina adjusting?"

"Very well," said Alexis with a little too much enthusiasm. Talking about Kristina would help. "She seems happy here. She's at the park right now with Alice . . . " A small ray of insight made it through her muddled brain. "But of course you knew that already, didn't you? How naïve of me. I don't suppose it's a coincidence that you happened to show up the very first time I'm here alone, is it?"

"No, it's not," Lorenzo said, without sheepishness or apology. "Does that make you mad?"

Alexis considered. If he had tried to charm his way out of this, she would have been annoyed. "No, it doesn't, and I'm not really sure why. It does make me want to hire my own guards, though. Or maybe I'm ready to do without them altogether."

"No, Alexis," he said firmly. "Please don't let your guard down yet. I don't want anything to happen to you."

Lorenzo's eyes revealed more emotion than Alexis was prepared to see there. She pulled herself away abruptly and limped to the railing at the water's edge. She kept her eyes on the water, but felt Lorenzo's approach. He stood immediately behind her, close enough that she could feel his warm breath on her neck, and he placed his hands on the railing in front of her, one arm on each side of her. She was enclosed in his embrace. He wasn't touching her at all, but every part of her felt his presence. Her eyes fell to his hands gripping the railing, the same strong hands that had been haunting her fevered sleep. She wanted to feel those hands on her.

"Alexis," he growled low in her ear, making the hair on the back of her neck stand up. She felt his mouth move to the side of her neck, so close that she wasn't certain if the moist heat she felt was from his breath or his lips. "May I?" A vibration went through her at the unexpected request for permission and she whimpered involuntarily. She couldn't manage any words, but she tilted her head to give him better access.

Her reaction was all the permission he needed. He brushed his lips gently on her neck, just a suggestion of a kiss, followed by another, and another, as he followed a trail down her neck. Each kiss seemed to set off an explosion in Alexis. Finally he reached the boundary of her shirt collar. He let go of the railing and carefully unbuttoned the top button of her blouse. His right hand pulled the blouse gently over her shoulder, baring his next target, the line of her collarbone, while his left hand wrapped around her stomach and pulled her into him. He continued his gentle exploration, and she moaned, unable to object, unable to move, unable to do anything but enjoy the waves of sensation washing over her. Her brain had given in, it had turned her body over to Lorenzo's mouth and hands, and for once she was blessedly free from self-consciousness.

Seeking new territory to explore and christen, Lorenzo began to undo the remaining buttons on her blouse. As his fingers were approaching the end of their leisurely journey downward, the air was shattered by the screeching of a hawk. Alexis jumped, and was brought back to herself. For a moment she was still, breathing heavily and gathering herself together. Lorenzo didn't dare move. Finally she pushed his hands off gently and stepped away, pulling her shirt tight around her and fumbling with the buttons. After a moment she turned to face him, looking him up and down as if it might help her figure out what had just happened.

"Alexis, please," Lorenzo insisted. "Please don't resist. You need this, you want this as badly as I do. Please don't push me away."

Alexis threw her hands up in the air in a show of helpless frustration. "I have to," she said, her voice sad and weak. "Don't you understand, I can't do this."

"No, I don't understand, Alexis. I really don't. You're going to have to explain it to me again. I don't know what this thing is that's caught fire between us, but, god, I want to find out. Don't you?" He was incredulous that she could walk away from what was happening.

Alexis nodded her head. She wanted it desperately. "But I just can't. I have to think of my daughter." The breeze picked up and Alexis shivered violently, her body releasing some of its pent-up energy. "I have to sit," she said, as if that were the source of all her frustration. She limped back to the Adirondack chair and sank down into it.

Lorenzo followed and sat in the adjoining chair. "Really, Alexis, can you explain to me why I'm so terrible for you? I really don't understand. Is it Ashton you're afraid of?"

Alexis didn't answer. She couldn't explain that it was all about Sonny -- his violent life, his claims on Kristina. Regretting what she couldn't explain to him, Alexis instead took Lorenzo's hand. "I really don't have the energy to go through it again."

Lorenzo quickly reversed their grip and wrapped Alexis's hand in his. "Your hand is freezing. How long have you been out here?"

"Longer than I should have been," Alexis admitted. "I can't seem to pull myself away from them." She pointed out at the osprey nest.

Just then the male osprey took off from the nest and flapped its wings hard, rising a hundred feet above the surface of the water. It hovered there in the air, its sharp eyes peering down at the water. When it found what it was looking for, it dove hard to the water's surface, splashing in feet first, and came up with a silver fish in its talons. As the osprey flew back to the nest, the wriggling fish flashed in the sun. The female osprey welcomed the male back, and they set at the fish.

"Nature is red in tooth and claw," offered Lorenzo, uncertain why Alexis was so absorbed by the scene. He looked over at her and was surprised to see a tear running down her cheek. "Alexis?"

Alexis shrugged, unable to explain her emotion. "There are probably two or three eggs in the nest, you know. In a few weeks, the babies will hatch. Jax was telling Kristina all about it yesterday morning - how she'll get to see the little baby heads poking up over the nest, and watch the mommy and daddy teach the babies how to fly and fish. The first thing she did this morning was run to that window and look for the baby birdies." Alexis laughed bitterly, catching Lorenzo by surprise. "Do you know what it says in this book?" Alexis gestured to a bird guide on the table next to her coffee, then picked the book up. She leafed through it until she found the page she was looking for. "Here are some of my favorite parts. 'If food is scarce, the oldest chick is the most likely to survive as it will outcompete its siblings and may even push them out of the nest to gain an advantage.' Or how about this: 'Osprey parents will hold back food in order to encourage fledglings to leave the nest.' And this: 'Osprey fledglings will sometimes move to nearby nests where they are fed by other parents.'* I can see why. Nature is red in tooth and claw, indeed. And so are Cassadines." Alexis threw the book angrily down on the table. Turning her eyes back to the water, she spoke more calmly. "My nephew was declared dead today."

"I'm sorry, Alexis. Were you two close?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. I loved him, for whatever that's worth. He was a beautiful boy, and he was a true prince. You know, I never begrudged him all those things they handed to him - his place in the family, their love and respect - because when I looked at him I just saw a sad little boy who wanted the one thing he couldn't have, and it was the same thing I had wanted most of all." Tears began to pour down her face. "But I'm not crying any more for the past. I'm really not. I've done my mourning."

Alexis looked out at the water for a long time, tears continuing to fall. "It's the future that I'm crying for now. You see, there's this shiny happy future out there that I get a glimpse of now and then, mostly when Jax describes it to me. I want it so much for Kristina. But I just don't know if I'm strong enough to get us there. There seem to be these forces that keep pulling me back, the same forces that have been pulling me under my whole life. Cassadine forces. And now you."

Lorenzo frowned, but didn't object.

In the distance there was the sound of car doors opening and closing, followed by Kristina's joyful cries. Alexis rubbed the back of her hands across her face, trying to wipe away the tears. "Lorenzo, I know what I need to do for Kristina, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do it on my own. I need your help."

"What do you need me to do?" Lorenzo asked, certain he wouldn't like the answer.

"I need you to stay away. I can't seem to say no to you very well, so I need you to stop asking. Don't visit, don't call, don't send flowers. Please, just go. Before Kristina gets here. You can go that way." She pointed to a path leading off the patio.

"Alexis -" Lorenzo began, then stopped. He was angry and frustrated and confused, but he wasn't ready to respond. He would do as she asked for now, and then he would go home and plan his next steps carefully. He stood. "Can I help you in?" he offered, taking Alexis's hand.

She pulled her hand away as if she had touched a hot plate. "Please, Lorenzo, please. Don't touch me." She pulled herself out of the chair and limped to the door. Her hand on the door, she turned around to say something else, but he was already gone.

***

*See Alan Poole, Ospreys: A Natural and Unnatural History (Cambridge University Press, 1989).

chapter  8