The Long Road Revisited
by Terry

Chapter 3

“Your mother was christened Margaret Rose O’Brien. She left home at the age of 16 and you were born less than a year later. Your mother originally wanted nothing to do with children. Unfortunately you learned that at a very early age, Johnny. From the day you were born until you were 4 years old, you lived with your father.”

Alexis felt Johnny tense beside her and as his eyes met hers she saw the struggle he was under with the realization his father had been a part of his life for four years.

“I lived with my father for four years?” Johnny was stunned. Four years of his life spent with his father and he never knew it.

Without hesitating Alexis continued, not willing to allow Johnny to settle on anything specific for an extended amount of time until he knew more of the story.

“The day you were born he took you home with him because he knew he could give you a better life than your mother would. There’s not much information on him yet, other than he was a dockworker known for being honest, hard working and a man of honor. I still have people out researching your father. But, according to your mother, he fell in love with her and did everything he could to get her off the streets.”

Alexis watched sadly as Johnny left his place beside her to stand several feet away. She knew exactly what he was feeling. There were so many times that members of her own family, when held up to the light of decency, caused her to feel ashamed… isolated… unworthy. She caught his eye and at his nod continued.

“When you were four your father became sick and… and just before he died he sent for your mother. His hope was that she would see how much you needed her since he would no longer be there to take care of you. And for a while she actually did try to be a mother to you, but she wasn’t used to having a small child around all the time and the expense was more than she expected. There were times that she thought about sending you to her mother, but her pride wouldn’t let her. She swore to herself the day she walked away from your Nana’s home that she wouldn’t go back and she would never ask them for help. So, the older you got the more she began leaving you on your own. You were nine when your Nana found you alone in the apartment and took you home with her. They received an anonymous call telling them where you were and that you were alone.”

There was a frown on Johnny’s face and Alexis knew he was not going to let go of the obvious hole in the story. As Margaret related the events to her the first time, Alexis didn’t buy it any more than Johnny was buying it now. Pieces were missing. Using her skills as a defense attorney it didn’t take much to get the full story from Margaret. And as much as she wanted to shield Johnny… Alexis knew in her heart he needed to know everything. Her thoughts were confirmed when he questioned her.

“Alexis, if a prostitute doesn’t want to be found… well you know as well as I do that she can pretty much disappear. And there are too many holes in your story. What aren’t you telling me?”

Johnny watched as Alexis caught the bridge of her nose between two fingers and squeezed… a clear sign of unease. He went to sit back down beside her and took both of her hands into his own. “Look, I know you’re only trying to make this as easy as possible for me, but I have to know it all. How did Nana know where to find me?”

Alexis reopened the file that still lay in her lap. Reaching underneath the ménage of evidentiary files she pulled two envelopes out that proved time did not spare anyone or anything. The envelopes while yellowed and the writing somewhat faded, were also worn and crumpled by what Alexis knew to be desperate hands unable to let go of a past filled with heartache and misery.

“Your mother asked that I give these to you if you refused to accept the condensed version of the story. One is from your Nana Rose to your mother dated years ago and the other is a letter your mother wrote to you just a few short years ago. At the request of your mother, I have read both. What you are going to find in the contents of these letters is going to hurt. She wanted to tell you herself what happened the day she left, but she couldn’t bring herself to send the letter.“

Johnny slowly reached toward the faded letters and drew them from Alexis’ hand with a look of wonder on his face. He stared at them trying to grasp the fact that he was holding in his hand a piece of his mother. Her words… her thoughts… maybe an acknowledgement of him as her son; but best of all… another link to his Nana Rose. A tear fell from his face and landed on the return address of the top envelope. He watched it land just as he recognized the handwriting and quickly tried to wipe it away before any damage was done. But as the ink smeared distorting the name of the woman he had loved for as long as he could remember he felt his heart tear. In his hand, the first letter… a letter from his Nana Rose to his mother. He looked up at Alexis as another tear escaped down his cheek.

The indecision in his eyes did not escape Alexis. She reached up and brushed his tears away and smiled comfortingly before answering.

“Your Nana never knew if her letter actually reached her daughter because it was never answered. I think it would be best if you read it first. It will help you when you read your mother’s letter. And since I hear Kristina beginning to wake, I’m going to give you a little privacy while you read them. If you want to talk after you’re finished… I’ll just be next door. And Johnny, don’t lose sight of the support you have at your disposal any time you need it. Whether it’s Joy, Sonny or myself. Don’t try to handle all of this on your own. “

Johnny watched Alexis begin to gather up her things and he suddenly felt a loss so intense it tore a sob from his throat. He turned his head away from her to keep her from seeing his weakness… how much he needed her to stay… from seeing how much her leaving reminded him of being abandoned as a little boy. He felt her arm suddenly close around his waist as she moved closer to him and the warmth of her finally stilled the quaking inside that he could not control on his own.

“What is it, Johnny? Tell me.”

“You and Sonny… “ Struggling, Johnny stopped and started again trying to put words to emotions and feelings that he thought he would never have to face again. “You know Joy doesn’t see much of her folks any more. I don’t know; for some insane reason they don’t think she needs them. And me… well I haven’t had anyone since Nana died. Me and Joy… well… we’re just kind of out here on our own. If it weren’t for you and Sonny we’d be alone. And we could deal with that as long as we had each other.” Johnny paused a minute out of embarrassment for his lack of inner strength. “You handed me these letters and then started to lea… It’s… “ Becoming totally exasperated with himself he dropped his head and looked at his raised hands in disgust as if to say ‘look at the failure that’s standing here.’ Lifting eyes that bore the remains of self-recrimination Johnny watched a wealth of compassion sweep across the face of his best friend and he dropped his arms. “Alexis, I’m a full grown man. I should be able to handle all of this better.”

“Why, Johnny? Why should you be able to handle it better? I think you are expecting entirely too much of yourself given what you are facing. And don’t you dare think that I would walk out that door if I thought for one moment that you needed me to be with you while you do this. In fact… “

Johnny watched Alexis cross to the coffee table to pick up her cellphone and waited to see what she was up to. He felt no apprehension at her action… he trusted her completely.

“Sonny, I need you to come get Kristina and keep her with you for a while. I’m at Johnny’s and please do not ask me a lot of questions right now. There’s something he needs a little help with… He’s fine, Sonny. You and I did a pretty good job of putting his past together and he just needs a little time to deal with the repercussions. So please, just come get Kristina and keep her with you until we get this resolved.”

Johnny made himself scarce until Sonny left with Kristina. He couldn’t explain it, but there was a big difference in admitting to Alexis he couldn’t handle something and having Sonny know it as well. He wouldn’t allow Sonny to see his weakness. Hearing the door close behind Sonny, Johnny rejoined Alexis in the living room.

“You didn’t have to leave, Johnny. Sonny would understand.”

“I know. I just needed to take care of something first.”

“I sure am glad there’s not a courtroom anywhere near by. You would be in big trouble, mister.”

Johnny grinned knowing Alexis didn’t buy his excuse for a minute. He walked back toward the coffee table and picked up the letters he left waiting there. Sitting down he waited until Alexis again joined him. He hesitated a moment more as he watched her turn toward him and lay her arm along the back of the sofa behind him. Her attention was now his, and his alone. The wonder of being important enough to Alexis Davis to be able to depend on her for support, encouragement or whatever, still amazed him.

“So I need to read Nana’s first?”

Placing her hand on Johnny’s back she caressed him affectionately and smiled sympathetically.

“Yes. I think you need to read Nana’s first.”

Turning the envelope over he lifted the flap and reverently pulled the letter from its hiding place. Closing his eyes for a moment to steel himself, he then unfolded the wrinkled pages that had begun to turn brown with age. His eyes lovingly took in the sight of the familiar handwriting and for a moment felt the comfort of his Nana’s arms around him once more. Reaching up he caught Alexis’ hand and brought it down to rest within his atop his thigh, breathing deeply he began to silently read the evidence of a mother’s love for her only child.

‘My sweet baby girl,

I’ve done as you asked and left you alone. It broke my heart to let you walk away from me, but I had done all I could to show you just how much I loved you and wanted you to stay with me. The day you left is the last day that I spoke your name aloud. Somewhere inside I began to believe that if I held my tongue then somehow all of the love, the hopes and dreams I held for you would one day bring you back to me. Are you okay, baby girl? Do you need anything? You know your papa and I would do anything we could to make your life easier.

I don’t know whether he told you or not, but John called us last night. Please do not be angry with him. He just wanted us to know who he was and that he had done his best to take care of you. He sounded like such a good man. I spoke to him for a couple of hours and then your Papa talked to him. He let us know where you were and that you were well. I could tell by his voice just how much he really loves you and now he tells me that I am a grandmother. My own baby girl has a child of her own. You should have seen your Papa. I didn’t know a man could look so proud. Before John hung up he let your Papa and me know that he was in the hospital and wasn’t expected to last. It is his last request of me that forces me to break my word and contact you.

He tried to explain to me that there were just some women in the world who for some reason or another could never understand the concept of love. That they were just born with something broken inside of them or maybe something horrible happened to them somewhere along the way that caused their hearts to grow cold. Although he didn’t ask he seemed to know that in your case it was the latter that was true. And it was because of the constant fear and betrayal he saw in your eyes that he tried so hard to give you all that he could. It was for the love of his son that he finally acknowledged to himself that with the coming of his own passing his son’s future was in jeopardy. There was not one bit of anger or judgement in his voice, baby girl. He was just concerned for the welfare of his son. It was then that he asked me to get in touch with you and offer to let little Johnny come live with your Papa and me.

For some reason I cannot see, your Papa and me could not be what you needed us to be as your parents, but Margaret I would please ask that you allow us to try and meet the needs of your son. In your heart you know you have always been welcome here any time things got too bad for you out there. Please baby girl, please come home and let us love you. Let us take care of you and the boy until you can find your footing again.

Our days are filled with loving you and praying that someday you will come home to us. But Margaret, every child deserves a good life. Forgive me for saying it, but I beg you to please not make him follow you from bed to bed. Send him home, sweetheart. Let your Mama and Papa love you through him. We will see to it that he has the best we can give him and we will never speak an ill word to him against his mother. My precious baby girl, I beg you to please do the right thing this time.

All my heart and all my love,

Mama

Finishing the letter, Johnny leaned toward Alexis and his head fell to her lap as tears, filled with the searing heat of loss, fell with abandon from a heart broken on behalf of a woman who had given her all to him.

Lifting her head up to prevent her own tears from falling onto him, Alexis wondered as she held tight to this man who loved with such pure devotion, if somewhere out there in the heaven’s a woman’s heart was overflowing at the sound of a quiet tender whisper… “Nana, My beautiful Nana.”

chapter 4