The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 86

"Alexis, I'm going to make one last trip out to see Nana Rose. Would you care to go with me?"

Johnny, Joy and Alexis were enjoying a mid-morning cup of tea while sitting around relaxing. Alexis returned from Kevin's office only a few moments before and immediately let them know that she would be released the following morning. After the initial excitement and congratulations were done, the three of them fell silent to reflect on the journey they began together a few months earlier. With Johnny's invitation, Alexis was provided the perfect opportunity to share some quiet time alone with him.

"I would love to go with you, Johnny. There is something I would like to discuss with you."

Alexis felt a moment of guilt about leaving Joy behind, but quickly dispelled it, as she knew the two of them would sit down later and talk. Needing to alleviate any feelings of being left out though, Alexis leaned toward Joy and lay her hand on Joy's forearm.

"You don't mind, do you?"

"No, Alexis. I don't mind. You two go and have a good time. I'll be here when you get back."

"Good, because there's something I want to talk to you about as well. Also, if Sonny calls before we return, would you mind telling him where we've gone and we should be back soon?"

Joy placed her hand on top of Alexis' and smiled brightly.

"I'll take care of it. Now go on. Don't keep my man waiting on you. And Alexis... "

Having stood, Alexis returned her attention to Joy.

"Hmmm... ?"

"It's going to be so wonderful having you around. I'm not used to having people around that actually care how I feel about things. I think you may be the one to end up regretting pulling me into your life."

Alexis smiled and leaned down to embrace Joy.

"Not on your life. You and I have more in common that you might think. You take care and we'll be back soon."

"I'll be here and I'll prepare a late lunch for all of us. So, you two take your time and enjoy."

Thirty minutes later, Johnny and Alexis were standing side by side at the resting place of his Nana Rose. His voice was choked as he spoke of his grandmother.

"I never knew just how much this beautiful lady would impact my life. And not only mine, but people who took the time to know me. I miss her, Alexis. I miss her more now than I ever have before. She left a hole in my life when she died. And there's no one who can fill that hole except her. I guess a part of me will always be right here in this place I built for her."

Alexis wrapped her arm around Johnny's waist and gazed up at him. She could see he was trying to control his emotions as he talked of a woman who loved him so completely that he never once regretted the loss of his own mother.

"Some day Johnny, you'll see her again. And you can tell her how much she did for you. You can tell her what she meant to you and how much she influenced your life. When that day comes Johnny, I want you to also tell her that she gave me the chance to see the kind of life I want to give my daughter. When I look at you, I can see what unreserved and unconditional love can give a child. You tell her that I said 'Thank you'.

Johnny laid his arm across the top of Alexis' shoulders and kissed her on the forehead.

"I'll tell her, Alexis. And I'll tell her that it was because of her that you and I have this friendship now. I can't tell you what it means to me to have you on my side... to know that we can count on each other to be there when things get rough. I know that my Joy feels just the same way that I do about you. We both love you and want the best for you. Someday, when we're ready... Joy and I want you to be a god-parent to our little girl. We plan on naming her after you. If we have a boy first, we'll name him 'Alexander' and then our little girl will be named 'Natasha' even if we have to adopt her. There is no one else that would love our children as much as you would and give them what they will need. And if anything should ever happen to Joy and I, we want you to take our children and raise them as your own."

Alexis put her other arm around Johnny and hugged him with all of her strength. There never was a time in her life that anyone trusted her as much as Johnny and Joy were with the entrusting of their future children into her safekeeping. The tears fell without shame, without embarrassment. They were tears of love, hope and happiness.

"Johnny, you have given me so much. How will I ever repay you?"

"There is no need for repayment between friends. We do for each other because we want to... because it is the most natural thing in the world to give from the heart to those who hold our hearts. And I want you in my heart for the rest of my life. I need you, Alexis. I need your steadiness, your sense of honor and loyalty. There is so much I can learn from you. Nana Rose gave me my foundation, but with you I can learn how to build on that foundation."

Alexis lifted up just slightly and lay her wet cheek against Johnny's.

"I love your graciousness, Johnny. I love that you have a heart of compassion. You have a lot that you can teach me as well."

Taking a step away from Johnny she took his hand in hers and led him to the gazebo. Now was the time to talk to him about Kevin's offer. Sitting down and leaning back, she waited for Johnny to take his seat beside her then explained what Kevin asked her to do.

"Johnny, Kevin asked me to talk to you about what kind of a career you might be interested in now that your time at Ferncliff with me is coming to an end. Do you have any idea what you want to do now?"

"Joy and I have discussed it, but I wanted to wait until I could talk to you about it before making any decisions. What do you think?"

"Before I answer that, tell me what you wanted to do when you were a small boy."

"I didn't think about it very much. I was where I wanted to be. I couldn't imagine a life without being with Nana. Even when it got to where she was having a hard time getting around... I still wanted to be with her; caring for her, you know… taking care of everything she needed. I never wanted to do anything that would take me away from her."

"Why, Johnny? Surely you had friends to play with. And what about the rest of your family? Wasn't there ever a time when you wished that you could just go off and do something just for yourself?"

"Being with Nana was all I needed, Alexis. She gave me everything that I could ever have wanted. What I saw of the world before I went to live with her was enough for me. No way was I ever going to take a chance on ending up the way I was before she found me and gave me a home."

"How was that, Johnny? Tell me about the little boy you were before you went to live with your Nana Rose."

The pained look that swept across Johnny's face tore at Alexis' heart. There was a story Johnny needed to tell and she wanted to hear it.

"Tell me, Johnny. Trust me to keep your secrets as I have trusted you with mine."

"I do trust you, Alexis. It's just hard to remember that kid. He was so… lost. What little I do remember of my mother wasn’t anything to brag about. She didn't care about anything except her boyfriends. I went to bed hungry and alone most nights. When she did finally come home, sometimes after being away for days, it was only to throw a couple of dollars on the table and get cleaned up to go out again."

"Where was your father, Johnny?"

"I never knew who he was. Anyway, one day someone knocked on the door and I was too afraid to open it so I hid in a closet. I heard a woman call my name. Lex, it was the sweetest voice I think I've ever heard. She finally made the landlord let her in and I could hear her looking for me. I didn't know whether to come out or not. But, she finally found me. She was so beautiful. She took me into arms that I can sometimes still feel around me. She smelled like lilacs and biscuit dough. When I felt her arms around me, it felt like nothing I had ever known before. I can remember hanging on to her as if my life depended on her. She took me home and I never saw my mother again. Years later, Nana Rose told me that my mother left town and never looked back. By that time, I didn't care. I was too happy with the woman who saved my life to care about what happened to my mother. There was this one time that I asked Nana why my mother didn't love me. The sadness I saw in her eyes was more than I could stand. I swore I’d never mention my mother to her again. And I didn't. But, the day she died, Nana made me promise not to hold a grudge against my mother for abandoning me. It made no sense to me and evidently she could see my confusion because she explained why she was making the request. She said, "Johnny, there are people in this world who were born incapable of learning how to love. I always blamed myself for the way my daughter turned out. But, I did what I could to teach her what was right and what was wrong. She made up her mind at an early age that she didn't want to hold to the standards of acceptable behavior. She broke my heart, Johnny. But, the day I found you, my heart was restored. You were my reward for not giving up. I vowed to my creator that I would love you and care for you in place of the girl who turned her back on us. You are my pride and joy. She's out there somewhere Johnny, and she's miserable. Don't hate her. She will suffer enough for the decisions she made without us heaping more judgments on her. Leave her to live out her life as she wishes. If the day ever comes that she tries to find you... let her find you. I need you to give her a message for me. Tell her that I loved her with all my heart and that I will always love her. Tell her I bear no ill will against her. And Johnny, you need to try and find a way to love her as well.' It wasn't too long after that when she let go and died."

"Were you able to forgive your mother?"

"It took a while. Actually it wasn't until I finished this place that I was able to. In having this place to come to where I could be close to Nana... I was finally able to let go of the anger and resentment against my mother for the pain she caused Nana."

Alexis frowned at Johnny's answer. Something was missing is his answer.

"What about the anger against her for what she put you through? Did you deal with that, Johnny?"

"Nah. What's the use of bringing all that up? It's over and done with. What she did to Nana was worse than what she did to me. If she ever comes looking for me, I'll keep my promise to Nana and that will be the end of the whole mess."

"And you expect me to buy that? Tell me something... what if it were me in your position?"

Johnny stiffened beside her.

"I don't follow you."

"Oh yes you do. You just don't want to. Everything you have been telling me over the last couple of weeks has been all about looking deep to find the truth and dealing with the fall out so that it can't jump up and bite you when you least expect it. So, if that was such good advice for me then why is it not just as good for you?"

"It's different with me, Alexis."

Johnny looked over at Alexis dumbfounded as he heard her laugh beside him. When she looked up and saw him staring at her she quieted.

"I’m sorry, Johnny. But why is it different? Are you going to pull a sexist attitude and tell me it's different because you're a man and I'm a woman? Believe me you don't want to go there."

"I wasn't. I would never say anything like that. Joy would have my head the moment she caught wind of me saying anything like that. And that's nowhere near the reason anyway."

"So what's the reason?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. But, to save a little time... have you ever told that little boy who still lives right inside here that it wasn't his fault that his mother didn't love him?"

As Alexis asked the question she gently laid her hand over Johnny's heart.

"Johnny you helped me accept that part of myself that I hid from for years. You helped me see that she is a very real and important part of myself... just as that little boy is an important part of who you are."

Johnny's face fell and was overcome by confusion and sadness. Memories assaulted him… tearing his heart again as though he were living it all over again. But he was a man now, why should it still hurt now as much as it did then.

"I tried, Alexis. I did everything I thought I was supposed to. I kept the apartment as clean as I could. I put away all her clothes and tried to keep them neat for when she came home. I didn't know how to cook, but I made sure that when I went to the store I got things that I could fix for her. I would only eat enough to stay alive. I made sure there was something there for her to eat when she came home. But, it didn't matter. Nothing I did mattered to her. ‘I’ didn’t matter."

"Did she ever hit you, Johnny?"

"No. Sometimes I wished she would have hit me. At least I would have gotten something from her. But, she didn't even give me that much."

Alexis could tell that something was eating at Johnny. She couldn't visibly see it, but something was telling her that Johnny was giving himself a hard time about something. Turning so that she could face him directly she took both of his hands into hers and pulled his full attention to her.

"Tell me what's bothering you, Johnny."

"I'm not sure what you mean. Nothing's really bothering me."

"Hey, this is me you're talking to. Something is going on with you inside that handsome head of yours. Now tell me. What is it that is eating you up on the inside?"

Johnny took his hands from hers and stood up. He turned to face the monument where his Nana lay and a look of such intense regret crossed his face that Alexis stood quickly and took hold of his arm.

"Tell me, Johnny. Tell me what it is."

Johnny took his eyes from the gravesite and gazed at Alexis.

"How will I ever be able to face her when my time comes knowing I couldn't do what she asked of me? How can I do that to her? My mother failed her a long time ago and now I'm failing her in the one thing she asked of me. I could forgive my mother for what she put Nana through because Nana loved her enough to forgive her. But, I don't know how to forgive her for what she did to me. Don't you have to have some kind of feeling for someone in order to forgive them for a wrong they have done you?"

"Yes, but you're not being very honest with yourself Johnny. In order for this to tear you up so much inside, you have to have some feeling for her. If you didn't, this wouldn't be such an issue with you. You have to face the fact that you do have feelings for your mother. They are there buried under the indifference and bravado."

"Every time I leave here, it is with a weight of guilt that I have not completed my Nana's last request of me. I don't want to leave here today with that weight. I don't know when I will get back here and I don't want to carry this thing back with me and have it always over my head when I'm trying to build a new life with Joy. It's not fair to her."

"And it's not fair to you either. So, let's get rid of the problem. The only way I know how to do that is for you to find out just what you do feel where your mother is concerned and face it."

"That may be easier said than done."

"I don't think so. It can be one or more of 4 things. You can either be angry, sad, happy or scared. You may even feel more than one of those four. There is a myriad of feelings we are prone to, but they will all fall under one of the four. So, think about your mother and tell me what you feel."

Johnny turned and sat back down pulling Alexis with him. He began to think of his mother and concentrate on what he felt when her image appeared in his mind's eye.

Alexis grimaced as his hold on her hand tightened painfully, but she kept her silence. His body language told her more than his words ever could. Johnny was angry and scared. She could understand the anger, but she questioned the fear.

"Johnny, why are you afraid of her?"

Johnny looked away from Alexis as her ability to read him would give her more than he wanted her to have. He felt her other hand move over their clasped hands and she began to caress his forearm. As she ministered to him, he relaxed some and realized by the flexing of her fingers within his that he had been holding her hand too tightly. Lifting it he began to massage it gently with a look of sorrow on his face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Johnny, I'm fine. But, you're not. Now come on, tell me why you are afraid of your mother."

"It's not so much that I'm afraid of her. What if there is another child she treated the same way she treated me. Alexis, what if I have a brother or sister out there that's in trouble? What if they ended up somewhere like Ferncliff because I didn't care enough to find out about them?"

Johnny was working himself into frenzy and Alexis knew she needed to calm him down. Placing her hands on either side of his face she called softly to him.

"Johnny. Johnny, stop. If it means that much to you then we'll do what we have to in order to find out. We'll use both my resources and Sonny's to find your mother. We'll do what we have to in order to get the answers you need. But, there's something else we have to do here today, so you can walk away a free man."

"I know, I know. But, I just can't see it happening."

"Are you willing to spend the rest of your life under the control of your mother?"

Johnny's head came up instantly.

"NO. I'm not. I gave her enough of my time."

"Then let it go."

"How?"

That one word was filled with such agony and pain that Alexis put her arms around Johnny and held him close. She whispered softly to him.

"There are people in this world who don't know how to love, just like your Nana said. We don't condemn them for it. We take pity on them. We try to understand that there are demons living inside them that keep them from experiencing life as it was intended."

"But Lex, she had the perfect example right under her nose until she took off. All she had to do was stay with Nana."

Alexis released Johnny and sat back to look at him directly.

"And how do you know that she wouldn't give the rest of her life to go back and make a different choice now that she's experienced life without her mother and her son?"

"I don't know."

"So, maybe that's how you should think of her. As a woman who made a wrong turn and it cost her the love you know she could enjoyed. Don't hate her, Johnny. You'll spend the rest of your life tied to that hate and you don't want that... believe me."

Johnny quickly met Alexis’ eyes as her words ended with a definite hardness.

"Helena, right?"

"Yes. But, there is one big difference here. Helena doesn't know how to love. I cannot find one redeeming quality in that woman. But the hate I feel towards her has cost me. You don't want that, Johnny. Stay pure. Keep the love you learned from your Nana safe from the hate that has a tendency to find us and make us less than we could be if we do not protect ourselves from it. You've seen what hate can do. You saw what it did to Sonny. Don't get caught up in it, please."

As Johnny gazed into Alexis' eyes he suddenly felt everything she was feeling. And he saw what her hatred of Helena cost her.

"I understand, Alexis. And you're right. It's a lost cause. It has already taken too much from me. It has kept me from being able to give my Nana what she asked of me. I'm not going to let it go any further. I'm leaving it here. But, can I ask you something?"

"Anything, Johnny."

"Were you serious? About helping me find my mother? I need to know if there is someone out there that went through the same thing I did. I need to know if I have a brother or sister who needs to be protected… saved like I was. Like my Nana did for me. I have to know, Alexis."

"We'll find out, Johnny. We will do everything we can to locate you mother and find out if you have someone out there who needs you. I promise."

Johnny put his arms around Alexis and sighed with relief. He couldn't express just how much it meant to him to have someone who cared enough about him to help him clean up a past he spent years trying to forget.

"Hey. I think it's time we thought about heading back, don't you?"

Alexis sat up suddenly remembering that their conversation had taken a complete turn and she hadn't broached the subject she had intended to.

"Not yet. There was a reason I asked you what you wanted to be when you were a little boy."

Johnny smiled sheepishly.

"We kind of got off the subject didn't we?"

And Alexis returned a smile of compassion and absolute acceptance.

"It's ok. We needed to. But, I want to ask you a question. Did you enjoy what you were doing for me while you were here, or were you just enduring it until I got better?"

Johnny leaned back and looked at her curiously.

"What are you getting at? I did what I thought was the best thing for you."

"Please don't misunderstand me, Johnny. What you did for me was more than I could ever have hoped for in my life. You gave me something that I've never experienced before. I could look at you at anytime of the day and know that I was safe and nothing bad would happen to me. You gave me your life for a while. What you did for me was so extraordinary that there are no words adequate enough to express how I feel about you. I learned quite a lot from you... things that will last a lifetime. But, that's not what I'm talking about."

Alexis placed the palm of her hand again on Johnny's heart.

"What I want to know is do you have a desire to share this heart of yours with others... people who don't know you... people who have no one else to care for them?"

Johnny weighed her words and felt his heart jump at the thought of being able to care for people the way he had cared for Alexis. Watching her come back to life, respond to his care of her made him feel worth something. He was finally doing something to help someone. It made the guilt he felt over some of the things he did for Sonny fade a little.

"I think maybe you have something there, partner. Maybe I could talk Kevin into letting me work around the home while I go back to school and learn a little bit about how to really take care of people."

"Kevin was hoping you would choose a career in social work. He wants to help you in any way he can to get started. And he's waiting on you to go see him and talk to him when you’re ready to."

"He said that?"

"He is very impressed with the way you jumped in and did such a wonderful job with me. He thinks you have an enormous amount of potential where patient care is concerned."

"Well, I'll be. What do you think of that? I never expected to come away with so much when I started this trip with you. The day I decided to come here, I mean to that place... hook up with you... it was the single most important thing I've ever done in my life. In being with you there I found myself again. And now, I have a wife... I have a new friend... I have a chance to make something of myself. Nana Rose told me that I would someday find my place in the world. I had just about given up, but look at me. She was right. She was always right."

Johnny stood up and left the shelter of the gazebo and walked over to kneel beside the resting place of his beloved grandmother and Alexis followed slowly. When he raised his hand to beckon her closer, she quickened her pace and lay her hand in his standing quietly by his side as he began to speak.

"Nana, I want you to meet someone. This is my friend, Alexis. And you were right. When I started making the right choices my life began to change for the better. And this lady right here is the cause for a whole lot of it. You would love her, Nana. She's everything you told me a friend should be. She's helped me let go of the anger I felt for my mother. And because of that I can forgive her like you asked me to. I'm okay now, Nana. I have a new wife, a new friend and I know what I want to do with my life. Thank you for teaching me how to be a good man. I kind of lost it for a while, but Alexis helped me get things back together. And I'm going to bring Joy here soon. I want her to meet you too. But, for now I have to go and get my buddy here packed up to go home. We're going home, Nana. We did what we had to do and we're both stronger now. So you rest and know that I love you more now than I ever did and I'm really okay."

Johnny glanced at Alexis to find tears running down her face. Taking his handkerchief from his pocket he stood up and gently wiped them away.

"Thank you for being my friend, Alexis. Thank you for all those times you paid attention to me when you didn't have to and for allowing me to stay with you and help you these last couple of months. Thank you for opening your heart and taking in a lonely orphan when you had so much to deal with on your own. But most of all, thank you for helping the dreams of my Nana Rose come true for me."

And two friends who started a long journey together linked arms and walked back across a bridge that now somehow mirrored the bond created between them… a bond they both came to trust and rely on to get them through a difficult time.