The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 83

"Sonny… don't leave me again."

Words spoken so softly he almost missed them brought him to a complete halt. He stood there unsure of what to do. He hurt her more than he could possibly have realized and still she called to him. Without turning he tried to tell her what was going through his mind.

"I never really knew how much I hurt you until now. I can't do it again, Alexis. I won't. You mean too much to me to let that happen again. I would rather walk out of here right now than take the chance of hurting you like that again."

Alexis went to him and gently pulled him into the circle of her arms. She could feel him shaking with the barely concealed anger and torment he was feeling toward himself. He was talking out of the emotion of the moment and she could only guess at the amount of guilt he was feeling to willingly make a decision to walk away. If she allowed him to leave there was no telling what would happen to them and she couldn't risk that. She needed him... loved him too much to let him walk away again. Knowing his anger wasn't directed at her she began to run her hands up and down his back to comfort him all the while speaking softly into his ear. She had to find a way to ease the pain he was feeling and take his mind off of his guilt for a while until they could work through the problem.

"Sonny, it's over. We have both hurt each other tremendously. The only thing left for us to do is leave it all behind and start over. Do you really want to walk away from this... from what we feel for each other? Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if we could have made a life together? I don't want to walk away, Sonny. I want the chance to be happy. I want the chance... I need the chance to build a life with someone I care about; and I want that someone to be you. But, I won't force you into a decision that you are not ready to make. I will, however, ask you to put all of this aside for a while and fix your daughter and I some lunch?"

She felt him stiffen in her arms and then miraculously begin to chuckle. She felt his hands come up hesitantly and pull her arms from around him. Looking into his eyes, the pain was still there, but she also saw a faint glimmer of hope. Attempting to further ease the tension in the room she questioned him again.

"Does this mean we get fed?"

"By all means; one lunch coming up for two hungry ladies. Want to help?"

"Not really, but I'd love to watch."

Sonny reached down and took her hand in his carefully as if she would break at his touch and drew her toward the kitchen. Just as he reached the door he turned to her with a look of concern.

"Can we not talk about any of this for the next hour. I just need some time to think."

"That's fine Sonny, as long as you don't brood."

"I don't brood. I think."

"You brood."

"Stop arguing with me and come on. Let's see what we have that we can throw together."

"You're going to throw something together?"

"Yeah, why."

"Aren't you afraid you might mess up?"

"Well, if I left it up to you to throw something together, then I would definitely expect there to be a mess."

"That's not funny."

"Actually, it's quite funny, especially with that look on your face. Such an offensive look for a statement of pure fact."

"You're skating on thin ice, buster."

"What? You actually trying to tell me that you learned how to cook when I wasn't looking?"

"No, I'm not saying that at all. Why would I even consider such an idea when I have enough people around me to take care of that particular chore without my help?"

"You plan on carting Joy and Johnny around everywhere you go from now on?"

"Now there's an idea. I could do worse you know."

"Yeah, I know. But, who wants to willingly admit having to hire someone to come in just to cook for them everyday? I mean, you really want people to know just how thoroughly inept you are in the kitchen?"

Alexis tried with every ounce of willpower she possessed to keep from laughing. She missed their bantering, the easy jockeying for the best and quickest come back. Not willing to let his last remark pass, she picked up the nearest thing to her and threw it at him. The slightly damp towel hit him right in the back of the head as he turned toward the refrigerator and he bent over laughing at her willingness to join him in making a difficult time easier. Catching the towel as it fell from him, he turned and tossed it back her way.

"Now, Now. It's not smart to aggravate the cook off before he even gets started."

For the next couple of hours, Sonny and Alexis worked together to keep all of their issues at bay until they could both regain a level of control and try to discern just where they each stood now that some of the problems were out in the open.

Finally, lifting his napkin to wipe his mouth, Sonny asked Alexis if they could take a walk. They had spent the last half hour in silence trying to figure out what they needed to deal with next. For Sonny, there was no choice. Moments later as they exited the building, Sonny took her hand in his and began walking toward the south lawn. He still hadn't spoken yet.

It was not hard for Alexis to know that Sonny needed time to build himself up to unburden what held him so captive. Something she said as she told him the events surrounding the realization of her pregnancy sent him into a tailspin. She wasn't sure exactly what it was, but she had a real good idea. If she was right, it was something that he was going to have to deal with if they were going to make it together. So she walked along beside him and waited patiently.

"If I had stayed with you that day instead of going back to Carly... looking back now, I know you and I wouldn't have made it. You were right, Alexis. Through my own stupidity and need to keep things easy, I did lump you in with all the other women I‘ve known. I didn't do it consciously, but I did do it. It was easier than to accept that you lied to me and didn't trust me as much as I thought you did. But more than anything, if I had pushed it and found out the truth, then I would have to face the fact that the woman I trusted more than myself finally betrayed me and it would once again confirm that I was not fit to be a father. I couldn't do it. I made up every excuse I could to keep myself from questioning what you told me. It was easier to believe that you went to Ned."

The anguish and regret that emanated from Sonny reached the core of Alexis. She wanted to do something to ease his pain, but knew nothing would be resolved if she did. Sonny needed to face that part of himself that was willing to think the worse of those he loved rather than question his own motives or actions. So she kept quiet and continued to listen.

"I didn't even try to look at your side of it. To do that would mean that it was possible that I did something wrong. I don't admit being wrong easily."

Sonny heard a small noise come from Alexis and knew what she was thinking.

"Ok, so I don't admit to it all. I know that. It's one of those things that I always thought made a man weak. It doesn't though, does it?"

"No Sonny, it doesn't."

"That's what I thought you would say."

Sonny grew quiet. He needed to tell her what he now knew in his heart, but he was afraid to. Giving someone personal information was like giving him or her ammunition to use against you. He looked over at her and watched her raise her eyes to meet his. What he saw made him catch his breath. With everything he already told her, she was looking at him as if he held her world in his hands, when in truth it was actually Alexis who held his world. Looking away he found that they were just passing their favorite bench and he gently led her to it. Sitting down beside her he let go of his need to protect himself and told her the fear that kept him up at night now.

"I don't want to lose you, Alexis. But, I'm afraid that something will happen and you'll walk away again. For the first time in my life I know that I am not my own. There is someone else who has the ability to take me down without even raising a hand against me. All she has to do is walk away. I tried to make a go of it with Carly because she couldn't hurt me the way you can. Carly was safe. I tried to turn off what I felt for you... I ran from it. Do you know what it's like for someone to mean so much to you that you have to hide yourself from it because you know being with them is too much to hope for? You'll do just about anything to keep yourself from thinking about that person."

Alexis lifted her hand and placed it on Sonny's cheek as tears of compassion and love fell down her face.

"How could I not know, Sonny? Look at where I am. I ran just as hard as you did. I succeeded in escaping what I felt for you... so much so that when I finally did allow myself to remember my past, I remembered everything but you and Kristina. I couldn't remember her without remembering you and I couldn't remember you without remembering her. You were the two people in my whole world who were my life... you both kept me grounded. When I lost both of you... I lost myself. I was so angry that you couldn't see what I needed. You were there so many times for me; you were my foundation... the rock I built my life around. But we both let so much get between us that we could no longer depend on the connection we shared. All those hateful things I said to you at Kristina's service... it was so much more than just my grief over her loss. I allowed my anger to become so out of control that I couldn't control my words. In the end I justified what I felt... what I said because in the final analysis you chose that varmint over me."

"That varmint?" Sonny choked trying to keep from laughing outright.

"Johnny's description, not mine."

"Perfect description."

Each needing to take a breather for a moment, they sat in silence for a while processing all that had been covered between them. There was still that one thing nagging at Sonny and he didn't know whether to approach it yet or not. Giving both of them a few moments more to rest he then quietly began to thread his way to the source of what he needed to know from Alexis.

"Alexis, while you were busy jumping through hoops to keep me from knowing about my daughter... were you really protecting her from me or were you protecting yourself from me?"

Sonny felt her grow tense beside him and didn't know whether he should press the issue or not. He could tell by the look on her face that she was trying to formulate her response in a way that would give him an answer, but also keep from hurting him anymore.

"Sonny, with all that happened, I was feeling so much anger and hurt that I couldn't tell where what I did for my daughter left off and what I did for myself took over. You more than anyone know how I handle the, shall we say, calamities of life."

"Yeah, I know. I guess what I'm trying to get at... what bothers me most... Alexis, every time I look at you; it doesn't matter what we're doing, what's going on... there's always... I mean... damn. I don't know why I'm having such a difficult time with this. Well, that's not exactly true. I do know. I just don't think I'm going to like the answer."

With all that the two of them had already discussed, it concerned Alexis that Sonny all of a sudden seemed to be at a loss. She reached for him and took his hand in hers.

"Sonny, just say it. It's ok. I'll answer as honestly as I know how. I think we've been through enough to be able to start trusting each other again."

"I do trust you, Alexis. It's just... I don't know if I can handle much more honesty from you today. Together we've pretty much clinched the fact that sleep is not going to come easy tonight for me. But, there's this one thing that I have... need to know."

"Tell me, Sonny. Tell me what it is that has you so disturbed."

Sonny took a deep breath and focused his sight on her hand that still held his.

"Every time I look into your eyes, I see questions. I don't mean the kind of everyday questions one expects during the course of a day. This is different. It's so... I don't know. It's like you're always questioning me without actually saying the words. Kind of like you want answers to questions you're afraid to ask. I just want to know what it means."

The question stunned Alexis. She knew exactly what he was talking about, but at that moment had no idea how to answer him. She squeezed his hand then left her seat to walk a few steps away from him. She needed a moment to figure out the best way to answer him. Looking back at him, she saw him waiting patiently and smiled her thanks for his willingness to give her time to formulate an answer. She wasn't entirely sure she wanted to answer him... it was a risk. Because he was able to see what others did not... to answer him... to give him that insight would take away her ability to keep her most private thoughts to herself. Reaching up she pulled a leaf from a low hanging branch and began to very carefully shred it. There really wasn't an alternative. He recognized the window and needed to know what he saw through it. She answered him.

"Every relationship I have ever had in my life, whether it was personal, familial or whatever... I have been hurt by it. So much so that becoming involved with anyone is a risk for me… one that I don't handle well at all. I did not plan on falling in love with you... it just happened. But, once again, my heart is out there on the line. Somewhere inside me there is this... this certainty that I am going to get hurt again. It is as real to me as you are right now sitting on that bench. And it doesn't matter whether it is a family member, a friend or something more... the fear of being hurt stems from the fact that I've never been able to completely trust anyone that I allowed myself to get close to. The other party never entered into the relationship as committed to it as I did. I came closer with you than anyone I've ever known and it just about destroyed me. So when I ask you how could there not be a reason for you to see questions or fear in my eyes, it is something I would expect you to understand given what we've been through together. Sonny, our eyes are the windows to our souls. It is a credit to you that you do see those questions. They have always been there no matter who I was with, but you are the first to recognize it and call me on it. Kristina knew she was seeing something when she looked at me, but she was so intent on creating a new life for me, she didn't stop long enough to try and understand what she was seeing. And lest you think I am alone, you need to know; I see the same questions in your eyes that you see in mine. The difference between us is I recognized what I was seeing in you because it was so much a part of me."

"If that is true, then why didn't I recognize what I was seeing in you like you did with me? Why couldn't I see it?

"The way you and I deal with the traumas in our life are quite similar. The one real difference is where you tend to brood... I analyze. If something is not working for me, I tear it apart and find out the why's and wherefore's until I'm satisfied. I think where you differ is that when something goes wrong for you... you tend to center on the result. You get stuck on the merry-go-round of feelings. All you see is the hurt, the betrayal, the anger. You don't take it any further than the emotion. It is a vicious circle for you that keeps you from experiencing the freedom of positive relationships... the freedom of forgiveness."

"I'm not entirely sure I agree with you."

"Ok, let's try an example. Uhmm... Ok, what about Zander. And before you go jumping down my throat, just listen to me for a minute. For whatever reason, Zander looked up to you. You were some kind of a hero to him. This boy comes to Port Charles... he's on his own, we have no idea what kind of past has sent him on the run, he gets involved with Sorel and you know the rest. But, because of all that you and I did for him, he began looking on us as, shall we say, benefactors of a sort. Ok, he screws up... what happens? You bail on him. He retaliates in the only way he knows how. He feels that you have abandoned him. He's a boy, scared, on the run, needing to belong somewhere... and where he once felt he had someone he could look up to... someone who cared about him enough to help him; that someone turned his back on him. It became quite clear to me just how much he wanted you in his life the day I tried to tell you about your daughter. His words to me were, 'The mighty Jason Morgan is back. He doesn't need me anymore. He's got Carly and Jason. He doesn't need either one of us anymore.' The rift between you and Zander didn't have to happen. If you had just gotten past the emotion of betrayal and tried to understand where he was coming from enough to help him, you two could have maintained your relationship. Sonny, he was willing to do anything for you. He was devoted to you and you walked away. Sweetheart, you lost your chance to be a father figure to a boy who desperately needed you."

"He wasn't my responsibility."

"No, he wasn't. But he was also not unlike another little boy who so many years ago stood at the front window waiting for a father to love him enough to come home."

With that one final statement, she got to him. He understood. Zander was almost an exact replica of himself when he was a boy. He remembered his own desire to be able to look up to someone... to be important to someone... to be wanted. His need led him to Joe Scully who took him in then used him for his own purposes, just as Sonny had used Zander.

"I blew it, didn't I?"