The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 81

"So where do we start?"

Sonny was standing at one end of the sofa and Alexis at the other; each of them trying to control the nerves that were threatening to overcome them. Joy and Johnny had left moments before leaving the two of them feeling ill at ease as they were finally alone with nothing but time to hopefully clear away the mountain of debris that lay between them.

Feeling that it was her place to begin, Alexis moved around to the front of the sofa.

"Why don't we sit down? I have to tell you, I'm pretty nervous about all of this. I don't know what to expect given what we have to deal with."

Sonny followed her lead and joined her on the sofa. He moved around just enough so he could face her without crowding her. He didn't want her to feel at all pressured by him.

He sat gingerly, not sure of her frame of mind yet. The impression that he was getting from her did not coincide with what he witnessed in her the day before. Yesterday it was difficult for her to even meet his eyes and yet today... he didn't sense the anger that he thought she would still be feeling toward him. He wanted to know why.

"Alexis, what happened between yesterday and today? You were pretty angry with me; but now and even last night before I left... I don't know; something's different."

Alexis allowed a small smile and glanced briefly at him.

"I let go of a lot of issues that were keeping me tied in knots. Hanging on to them wasn't doing me any favors. I don't believe anger solves anything; I never have. What has it ever gotten either one of us? Besides things make more sense today than they did yesterday. But, I don't want to get sidetracked. It will all come out as we talk. So... who goes first?"

Sonny shook his head in astonishment. The woman was an absolute mystery to him. Settling himself more comfortably he made the decision to get things started with what he felt was probably the most important issue with Alexis.

"Let me start this off if you don't mind. I think it would be best if I start off with an apology."

Watching him fidget nervously, Alexis nodded her consent and waited. It took him a few moments to settle the turmoil inside before speaking.

"I never apologized for my part in your sister's death. I'm sorry she got caught in the middle of something I should have handled a lot differently."

Alexis closed her eyes her sister’s face flashed before her. Swallowing the lump in her throat she picked nervously at a few errant pieces of lint that stuck stubbornly to her slacks.

"Tell me what happened, Sonny. I need to know what was going on before we go any further."

Sonny drew a deep breath and began to tell the story of a former love and the man who held such a black obsession for her that anyone she held a remnant of feeling for was targeted for removal by whatever means were available. He told her step by step of the events that led to the bombing of the warehouse. As each word fell from his mouth, he listened to himself with a new understanding of what the heartless vendetta cost the woman who sat next to him. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't bring himself to look into eyes that would surely be filled with hate at what he cost her and why. With the conclusion of the story his voice grew quiet and he waited for the inevitable. Closing his eyes he breathed deeply... afraid of what would become of him when she finally asked him to leave and never come back. As he sat there waiting he suddenly felt warm fingers under his chin lifting his face to meet hers.

Alexis' heart ached for the sorrow she saw in Sonny. Sorrow for what he felt he cost her. She recognized what he was feeling as he related what happened... could see it in his face though he tried to hide it. Needing to release him from the agony and guilt he felt, she reached for him. Placing her fingers under his chin she lifted his face up toward hers.

"Sonny, look at me."

Alexis waited for him to open his eyes. When he did, she dropped her hand.

"You are not to blame for what happened to Kristina."

Sonny's body jerked slightly in surprise at Alexis' words. He knew she either hadn't heard him right or she must have misunderstood what happened. Or maybe she didn’t have all of her memory back after all?

"She died because she was in my warehouse. Alexis didn't you hear what I said?"

"I heard you very clearly. But there was something else going on that you may or may not know. Kristina was looking for you because of me."

"I know she wanted to tell me something."

"Yes. She wanted to tell you that you were the father of my child. As much as I love my sister, she never knew when to leave a thing alone. So, she put herself into a situation that was none of her business and she died. Sonny, it wasn't your fault and it wasn't my fault. Kristina made a decision that cost her her life."

Sonny was having a problem allowing her words to sink in. Anytime someone died in one of his wars, he took responsibility for it, whether it was intended or not. How could she let him off the hook so easily?

"I don't understand. It was my war, my warehouse... she was in my warehouse. It was up to me to protect... "

"Protect? How could you have known she would be anywhere near that warehouse, Sonny? Kristina should never have been there. If she wasn’t so intent on trying to run my life for me, she wouldn't have been there. It was not your fault."

Sonny stood up and moved to the window. He knew he was at fault. He didn't protect the ones she loved. He walked away and left her and the ones she loved vulnerable. They walked away from each other and they both suffered in the end. He turned back to look at her. She sat there waiting... knowing he needed time. She knew him so well. He smiled sadly then looked back out the window. He couldn't face her knowing what he cost her. Not just with her sister, but in so many other ways as well. His voice was quiet when he finally spoke again.

"It was a mistake to walk back across that hall. I knew what I was doing and why, but I didn't think... I know I hurt you. But, I don't think I could ever have guessed what that one act would mean to me personally. You're right, I did change. I had to just to survive the emptiness that the loss of you created inside me. That first month after the memorial service... I kept hearing your words over and over. Words that you said out of anger and grief, but words that rang true in my head. You had every right to say what you did. I deserved it."

"Sonny?"

"I know what her loss means to you now. I didn't know at first, I didn't really think a whole lot about it until these last couple of days since Courtney's been around. Kristina was always getting in my face about how bad I treated you. It always infuriated me that she could treat you so disrespectfully... that she would put her nose into something I thought was my business. I didn’t have any tolerance for her way of doing things. But, Courtney would do the same thing for me, not because she wants to get into my business, but because she loves me that much. I just didn't understand."

"Sonny. Stop."

Sonny was doing the very same thing she had done to herself and Alexis needed to stop him and try to explain the futility of it. She stood and joined him beside the window. Placing her hand on his shoulder she turned him to face her.

"You have to stop this. It's not doing you or I any good. It's a waste of time and energy. Yes, Kristina loved me. But Kristina did not have the right to push her thoughts and ideas on me or anyone else I may have been involved with. She was wrong, Sonny. Just as wrong as you are in taking responsibility for something you had no control over. Let it go, Sonny. It's over. I will love her for the rest of my life and I will miss her. I will miss her love of life, her joy, her quirkiness... but most of all I will miss her love."

Sonny gazed into Alexis' eyes searching for something... needing absolution for the mistakes that cost her so much. Not finding what he needed he hung his head. What he did see in her eyes left him adrift on a sea of uncertainty. Yes, he could see that she cared and that she was concerned for him. But, through it all there still remained the unasked questions that he always found when he looked into her eyes. Before the day ended he knew he must find the strength to ask her what those questions were and find a way to answer them for her.

"You've lost so much, Alexis."

"So have you, Sonny. But, we're both still standing. The losses haven't beaten us. I realized last night that I was not doing either one of us any good by holding on to this enormous amount of anger toward you. You asked me to remember you... You needed me to remember you just as much as I needed to remember. But, it wasn't just the last few days that I needed to remember. It was who we were together before it all fell apart. What you and I shared... the trust... the companionship. If we survive this intact we are still going to have problems; it's inevitable. We just have to find a way to remain strong so that when the next catastrophe strikes we're somewhat prepared for it. And it will come, Sonny. It's the life we drew. You and I were born into lives full of uncertainty and trouble. It's made us who we are. Which brings me to another point... come on back and sit down."

Sonny once again followed Alexis. It seemed right somehow. Settling down beside her again he waited patiently. His time would come soon enough. Looking over at her he watched with reserved amusement as a studious look fell on her face. He knew she was trying to formulate how she wanted to approach a subject she felt might be delicate for him. He saw her nod to herself once and knew she found the words she needed to make it as easy as possible for him. He would forever marvel at this woman's ability to think of others before she thought of herself. Clearing his mind he focused on what she needed to say to him.

"Sonny, I fight every day to maintain a certain standard of behavior. It is important to me that I not succumb to the type of behavior I grew up with in having Helena so much a part of my life. I lived with lies, deceit, hate, vindictiveness and inhuman treatment every day while I was under her roof. And I'm sorry if it hurts you, but Carly has a lot of the characteristics in her that I despise in Helena. I will not allow myself to sink to their level if at all possible. I made a choice to lift myself above that kind of behavior. I had to in order to survive the life I was born into. I won't renege on that choice. But there have been times that I have ignored who I am... what I believe in... just to give you what you wanted. And I think part of it was because I was afraid I would lose you, that something would change between us and I wouldn't have my friend anymore. I can't do it anymore, Sonny. I can't deny the basics of who I am anymore for you. It takes something away from me... it reminds me of what I grew up with... of what I am capable of if pushed too far. I gave in to you because I felt a bond with you, because I knew that there was something special between us. I did what I could to see that your life was easier. And in the process I lost respect for myself."

Sonny ducked his head in shame. Of all that she could have come at him with... this he did not expect. Words that Jasper Jax had thrown at him in anger came back to haunt him. Women did change around him... they became less. He thought briefly of Carly. When she was away from him she became stronger, more independent. He did not want to see Alexis change who she was because of him. He loved her strong, independent and intelligent nature. She made him more because of the woman she was. He couldn't lose that; he needed her to be her own person.

"You're right. I didn't think about you... what you were giving up. All I thought about was what needed to be done in order to get what I wanted. I'm sorry, Alexis. It was thoughtless and insensitive of me. Jax was right. Women are not safe around me. I don't mean physically. Who they are gets lost... they become what they think I want. I don't want that to happen with you. I like who you are. You have my word I won't ask you to do anything again that goes against what you believe in."

"Thank you. But, Sonny you also need to understand that it is a choice that a woman makes on her own to allow or not allow herself to conform to someone else's idea of who they should be. I'm learning that I can love without giving up who I am. It is a lesson long overdue. Ok, now it's your turn. I've got a couple of things off my chest. It's only fair that I give you a chance now."

Alexis watched as Sonny shook his head and stood up. He walked toward the window again then turned around to face her. His face a total mask of unbelief and confusion.