The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 80

The next morning, Sonny stood in the bathroom of his suite gazing at himself in the mirror. Today was the day. Together he and Alexis would put right all that went gone wrong between them. At least he hoped they would. Studying himself in the mirror, he knew there were a host of questions that he needed to have answered and he was sure that Alexis did as well. 'Ok hotshot, let's not blow this. Everything you've ever wanted is within reach if you just keep it together. Don't lose your temper. Watch her, follow her, don't push... she'll tell you everything in her own time. Just remember this is the rest of your life on the line. You've got a chance to have it all... just don't blow it. Best go ahead and call Kevin before he gets too busy.'

Sonny left the bathroom in search of his cell phone. Pulling it from his jacket pocket, he fumbled it and almost dropped it. 'Slow down, Corinthos. Just settle down. You both want this to work. Just calm down and take your time.'

Punching in the code to speed dial Kevin, he sat down on the side of the bed and waited. Feeling a little light headed, he realized he was holding his breath. Letting go, he exhaled then took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled again mumbling. 'The last thing you need to do is pass out because you didn't breath, man. And just what would Alexis make of that piece of news. I guarantee you'd never live it down.'

Sonny straightened as Kevin answered his phone.

"Kevin, its Sonny. Look, I know it's last minute, but there's something I would really like to discuss with you before Alexis and I sit down to iron everything out today. Is there any possibility that I could meet you somewhere real quick?"

"Sonny, are you sure that Alexis is ready to get into all of that with you? I think there's still a lot she has to deal with on her own first. She doesn't need a lot more weighing her down right now."

"Oh yeah, you weren't around last night. It seems she did a lot of thinking last night and evidently got a lot of things settled."

"You better come on around. I don't think this is something I want to discuss over the phone. Give me about fifteen minutes to clear my schedule."

"Sure. See you in fifteen."

Sonny ended his call and sat there for a couple of minutes. His heart was racing and he could see a slight tremble in his hands. He couldn't blow this... he needed Alexis in his life. He needed the calmness she instilled in him... the stableness... the sense of being grounded. He needed her soft voice, her gentle touch, and eyes that you could fall into and get lost. He needed her. Shaking himself free of the vision of her that formed in his mind as he thought of her, Sonny stood up quickly. 'This is not helping man. Look at yourself... the more you think about her, the more nervous you get. Just go talk to Kevin. It shouldn't take long at all for that mouth of his to settle you down.'

Knocking on Kevin's door a few minutes later, Sonny was still having trouble controlling the nervousness he felt.

Kevin opened the door at Sonny's knock, took one look at the man and burst out laughing. Seeing the dark look settle on Sonny's face, his laughter died and he ushered Sonny in.

"Just what do you find so funny, Kevin?"

"Sorry, Sonny. But if you could see your face; you look like you just lost your lunch, your best friend and your fortune. What has got you so wound up? I would think you'd be standing tall right about now."

"I don't see anything funny about this and just for your information if things don't go well today then I could be leaving here tonight alone. Which means for the rest of my life, there will be a hole the size of the Grand Canyon inside me. Is that funny to you? If it is, then why don't you share the joke with me? I could use a laugh right about now."

Listening to the tremor in Sonny's voice and seeing the unyielding stance of his body, Kevin backed off. He had never seen Sonny so unsure of himself, nor had he ever seen him filled with so much anxiety.

"Sit down, Sonny and tell me what's going on with you. This is not like you. Just try and calm down and talk to me."

Sonny sat down opposite Kevin and leaned back trying to let go of the distress that was taking control of his body. Audibly releasing an enormous sigh he looked up at Kevin and smiled sheepishly.

"It seems that the possible outcome of today has me tied up in knots. I can't leave here without her, but she's the one that has control of that decision. My future depends on her. For the first time since I was a kid, I don't have the upper hand. I have to give over to someone else the right to determine how the rest of my life is spent. And while I trust her completely, giving anyone any kind of control over me is just something that I don't do very well."

"Sonny, you've blown this all out of proportion. Look at where you are; look at where she is. That in its self should tell you something. With everything that she has been through, one of the things that landed her here were her feelings for you. She has just as much to lose as you do, if not more. No, scratch that. She definitely has more to lose than you do. Because she already knows for a fact what losing you can to do her simply because she's already been there once. You haven't. For her to willingly consider stepping back into a situation, understanding the complete power it has over her, Sonny do you not realize what this means for her? I imagine you've spent all morning looking at this from how much you're putting on the line, how much you could get hurt... how scared you are. What you are still refusing to deal with is your inability to look at anything from a point of view other than your own. Sonny if this is going to work, you have simply got to let go of you and grab onto her. If you will just commit yourself fully to this relationship and give it all you've got, she will take care of her part of the relationship; which means she will take care of you. I think that's the one concept that you are having the most difficulty with. You've never been in a healthy relationship and you simply do not understand the give and take of it. If you think you're headed for trouble, the answer is not to lay down boundaries or rule after rule after rule. You sit down with her and you talk it out. She's got quite a bit going for her. She's one of those rare women who want to give rather than take. Take a lesson, Sonny. If you meet her half way, she'll take you the rest of the way and you will both enjoy and benefit from the trip together. You will learn each other and build a life of serenity rather than the chaos that you are so used to."

"I know I look at everything from my own point of view. It was the only way I survived. It was the way of the streets."

"So let me get this straight. You're looking at a relationship with Alexis as something you have to survive?"

Sonny became angry that Kevin seemed to be deliberately baiting him. He stood quickly and headed toward the window feeling trapped.

"That's not what I said."

"Didn't you?"

"NO."

Kevin refused to let Sonny's anger deter him from getting to the heart of his problem.

"So what are you saying?"

"I'M SAYING I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE ANY OTHER WAY."

"And?"

Sonny looked back over his shoulder at Kevin. What was he getting at? What did he want from him? Sonny stopped cold as the realization came over him of what he was truly afraid of. A ghostly thunderous tremor ran through him; the familiarity of it shocking him. He hadn't felt a tremor of that magnitude in years. Closing his eyes against the vision of a door closing and the sound of a lock slamming into place made him shudder. Damn. He needed air... room... feeling his throat constrict he turned back to the window and looked for a way to open it. Finding the lock he opened it and shoved the glass up and felt an immediate breeze blow past him and the tremor inside faded slowly until it finally stilled. Breathing deeply he gave voice to the consuming fear that lay deep within him.

"What if I'm not able to give her what she needs? I'm scared I'll hurt her again and I'm scared I'll lose her. If I lose her... I lose me."

"Sonny. Look at me."

Sonny turned slightly and focused on Kevin.

"It is that fear that will help you be what you want to be, give her what she needs and give yourself the life that you want. Lock onto that fear and realize that it will help you do what needs to be done. Instead of running from your fear or covering it up with harsh words and rash acts of self-protection. Open yourself up to it and feed it. The more you feed it the more it will dissipate because you will get what you desire most. A healthy relationship with the woman you love."

For the first time in a long time, Sonny looked inward and faced his fear head on. He felt it begin to consume him... it began to rise slowly and threaten to steal his breathe. He felt himself begin to drown in the blackness of his fear. Throwing his head to one side violently in a desperate attempt to escape the darkness, he lost his balance and reached up clutching the windowsill to steady himself. He couldn't let it get to him... couldn't let it take over. He would be lost if he didn't get away from it.

Kevin was watching Sonny intently. He saw Sonny begin to release himself to the fear, then catch himself and close down. Standing up quickly he approached Sonny.

"No, don't back away from it. Give it what it wants. Remember Alexis. Put a picture of Alexis in your head. Center yourself on her. Feel her touch, hear her whisper. Don't walk away... trust that part of you that knows what she means to you and feed it."

Sonny lifted his hand and clutched Kevin's shoulder. He needed to feel connected... needed a way to keep himself in the moment, just in case, then lowered his head and concentrated on Alexis. He placed a vision of her in front of him and began remembering everything about her. He gave in to his love of her and let memory after memory wash over him. As the memories passed, one by one, Sonny again faced his fear. As he stood before it, allowing memory after memory of his time with Alexis to surface he began to feel more at peace. The fear that had threatened to take over began to fade and the trembling he felt inside stilled. He looked up at Kevin and smiled.

"Ok, you made your point."

"Good."

Both men returned to their seat and Kevin leaned forward resting his arms on his desk.

"How do you feel?

"Calmer, more relaxed."

"Fine. Fine. Now you know what to do when you get anxious. Just take your time and let what you've learned take over. Center yourself on the goal and let it determine your actions. You both developed quite an ability to read each other. Use it. Take your time and just relax into it. You'll find that in time, knowing what to do or how to handle a situation will come naturally because you will both be working toward the same goal. Now, when are you two supposed to get together?"

"After I finish here."

"I want to talk to Alexis sometime today. Let her know for me."

"What if she's not ready to talk to you, yet?"

"Just tell her that I'm the only one who can sign her release forms."

Sonny's heart jumped in anticipation then segued into alarm.

"Do you think she's ready to go home?"

Kevin smiled slyly.

"I won't know that until I talk to her, now will I?"

Sonny returned the smile.

"I'll tell her."

"Good. Now go on, I've got a schedule to get back to. Just have her call when she gets ready."

Sonny left Kevin's office and stood in the waiting room pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. He called Johnny.

"Hi Johnny. How's Alexis this morning?"

"Well, she's quiet. Haven't seen much of her yet. We finished breakfast a while ago and I haven't seen her since. She's been in her room. I think she's waiting on you to show up."

"Okay. I'm on my way. Could I ask a favor of you?"

Johnny listened and nodded his head a few times. Joy was standing close by watching him. He noticed her questioning look and lifted his hand to tell her to hold on a minute. Ending his call with Sonny he explained what Sonny had asked of them.

"Sonny wants to have a few hours alone with Alexis and I told him we'd give it to him. Beside there's something you and I need to do. Care to spend the day with me, sweetheart?"

"I would love to do just that. Are you sure we need to leave Alexis here alone?"

"She won't be alone, Joy. Sonny will be here. Come on, we need to give them some time to sort things out. This is a good thing, Joy. If you'll go get us ready to go, I'll go alert Alexis that Sonny is on his way. Now don't go getting worried and upset. This is a good thing. I promise. They both need this. Now scoot."

Joy couldn't help teasing him about his latest form of request.

"Scoot? Johnny, did you just tell me to scoot?"

Johnny colored nicely. He ducked his head and nodded.

"Yeah. Not so good, huh?"

Joy smiled and reached up to kiss him.

"Priceless, just priceless. I wonder what my friend in there would say if someone were to tell her to 'scoot'?"

"They'd probably find themselves on the other side of the door. Sorry, Joy. I'll think twice next time."

"No you won't. I kind of liked it. Besides you looked cute telling me to 'scoot'. Did I tell you this morning yet, that I love you?"

"Yeah, real nice like. You can tell me you love me like that morning, noon and night."

"Hush, Johnny. What if Alexis heard you?"

"I don't care. Hopefully she'll be telling Sonny she loves him like that real soon, if you get my drift."

"I get your drift, wise guy. But, it's not going to get anywhere near there unless we get out of here. Now come on, you scoot your way and I'll scoot mine and we'll meet at the front door in about ten minutes. Okay?"

"Right. Ten minutes."

Johnny headed toward Alexis' room laughing gently. It was going to be a good day. He and Joy would spend it together away from Ferncliff and doing something fun.