The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 76

"You make it sound easy."

Alexis and Kevin were continuing their discussion on taking back the rights bestowed on her the day she was born.

"Don't make the mistake of thinking that it will be easy, Alexis. It won't be. Especially for you because you have spent your entire life giving away that which keeps us centered, stable and able to stand up for ourselves. How you made it as far as you have, I'll never know. This is not going to be easy for you. It is going to be a daily battle. But, if you want it bad enough you can do it."

"How do I start? I think I understand just how hard this is going to be for me, so tell me what I'm supposed to do to get this done. I need you to lay it out for me step by step."

Kevin leaned back and studied Alexis for a moment. How do you tell an obsessive control oriented melancholic choleric that they have to let go of their constant need to command every nuance of every situation, of every emotion, every action?

"By letting go of the death grip you have on yourself. If the emotion you feel is hurt, cry... if it is anger, let it out... if it is fear, share it with someone. You are going to have to realize that you are not an island. You need to have a healthy interaction with those you keep within your close circle. You have no trouble at all being there when they need you, but heaven forbid you should lean on them for what you need. You just have to let go, Alexis. Admit that you are human... you have feelings just like everyone else and you have needs just like everyone else. Being a stalwart robot doesn't help you and it certainly doesn't engender a lot of faith in those who want to call you their friend. And let's leave Sonny out of this for a minute. I'm talking about all of the others. They are expected to share with you, why can they not expect the same from you?"

"I never wanted to be a burden to anyone."

"Are they a burden to you? Are they any better than you are? They have problems; you have problems. How can you call them friend if you are not willing to put as much into the relationship as they do? I imagine what they get from you when they need something is you beckoning them close so you can be what they need, but when they see you hurting they get a firm but kind 'No thank you, I don't need you.' Is that fair to them?"

"I've never said that to my friends, Kevin."

"Yes Alexis, you have. Every time you spit out one of your famous 'I'm fine' quips you are effectively telling the recipient that you don't need them or anybody. You make yourself an island that no one can reach. Alexis, if they can't reach you, then you can't reach them either. Not really! Not when it really counts. Have you never wondered why Ned or Jax or any of the others are not able to treat you as you would like to be treated. How can they... they don't know you. You've never allowed them to get close enough to know what it is that you need... who you really are deep down inside that wonderful beautiful heart of yours."

Alexis sat unmoving. There was a myriad of thoughts running through her mind. A lot of what Kevin was saying was getting through and she found herself beginning to realize and understand what her role had been in the dysfunction of her emotional state. But, there was no way for Kevin to know just how much her last foray into the world of give and take cost her. She couldn't do it... not again.

"Kevin, I can't open myself up again in that manner. I can't take that chance. It took so much... what I was left with... the emptiness, the darkness, that feeling of once again not being good enough. And then Kristina... knowing that my choices left her vulnerable. It... I... I dug myself a hole to crawl into... I couldn't face myself... I couldn't face the memory of Kristina, or Nicholas or Stefan. I couldn't face Sonny. When the darkness became too much to bear I tried to come out of it, but I couldn't. I remember what happened. I was sitting on my sofa at home trying to get up... to stand up and get moving so the thoughts would go away, but I couldn't get my legs to move. I couldn't move at all and it was like a shadow that the sun creates as it drops beyond the horizon. I sat there and watched it; it just kept coming closer... I couldn't stop it... I couldn't get away from it... it just kept coming... I tried to call out... tried to yell something, anything to break that awful silence... to stop it... but no sound came... nothing... just silence... and then it was there... it was like falling. The last thing I remember thinking was that I was finally free of the image of my sister lying in that warehouse broken and bleeding... and the hurt and pain from losing Sonny was finally gone and... and... I just quit fighting it. I was there... then the next thing I knew I was waking up with Johnny sitting next to me. I couldn't handle the losses this time. It took everything I had left; so here I sit. I... I just can't do it again, Kevin."

Kevin reached over and took both of her hands into his and felt the trembling of her whole body. Her fear was such that it emanated from her and he felt her hands grow cold. Tightening his hold he leaned closer. He needed to bring this unplanned session to a close so that Alexis could take some time to settle all the discord and emotional strain that was rising dramatically in her. As much as he knew he needed to give her a break, he also needed to take advantage of her willingness to sit with him a little longer. Kevin took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. He was about to push her a little harder and he needed to do it quickly and carefully.

"Alexis, what I'm trying to tell you is that it never should have happened in the first place if someone had known you were in trouble. Look, you're wise enough to know the truth of what I just said so let's move on to what I believe may be the biggest source of agitation for you in all of this."

Kevin paused a moment to make sure of his words before he spoke.

"Since you haven't and maybe can't bring yourself to say it, I'm going to say it for you. Maybe if I say it, you can find a way to open up and deal with it. You gave yourself, heart and soul, to one man. Did he know it? No. But, the effect on you was just as powerful even though he was ignorant of your feelings. You saw potential in him... you grabbed hold of it and began delicately helping him to see it. You saw more in him than he could. As he grew, your feelings grew. But you made sure to hide yourself away... hide everything that you felt deep inside from him. You gave him everything he needed from you but only allowed him to see that which you were most comfortable with. In fact, I believe you became so comfortable with him that the only thing you didn't give him was just how deep your feelings actually went. With all that you gave him, there was no way he could not grow. He grew because someone gave him something that no one else in his life ever gave him before. Most men, no matter who they are, thrive under the watchful caring eye of someone who cares that deeply for them. Whether they realize it or not."

"He was married, Kevin. His heart was tied to someone else."

"Yes. But, it did not stop you from continuing to give him what he needed most from you. He needed a friend... you provided."

"I needed a friend as well. We were friends, that's all."

"No. You were his friend. He was much more than that to you. You needed something more from him, but refused to open yourself up to it. Let go, Alexis. Admit what you need from him, at least to yourself."

Alexis drew a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

"Kevin, you know I love him. He knows I love him. And he also knows what that love has cost me. Haven't I lost enough? How much more am I going to have to lose before it's enough? Experience has taught me that letting go is not all that it's cracked up to be. I tend to get massacred when I allow myself to let go. I can't go back and make the same mistakes again. I won't do that to my daughter. And to be perfectly honest; just how am I supposed to face myself, face the memory of Kristina... if I give in and accept what he is willing to give; accept that I want him in my life? How will I be able to look my daughter in the eyes knowing that there will always be a question mark hanging over her head every day of her life? I believe every day is a gift given to each of us. But, for my daughter the gift will only come when she is able to lay her head down each night safe in the knowledge that she survived another day. What kind of a life is that for a child... a life contingent on the hope that no one comes looking for Sonny or heaven forbid someone in my family decides to exact a little revenge?"

"I think that all of that is just an excuse. I think you're just plain scared and you're running just as fast as you can to get away from what you really do want."

"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M SCARED. I think I have every reason to be."

Kevin grew quieter with his next words. He wanted his words to land softly... not harsh, but like a well-worn blanket that aching arms wrap around when comfort is needed.

"I think you're scared that you will fail the one thing that your heart covets most in this world. A relationship with the father of your child."

Alexis couldn't stop the tears that slid down her face at Kevin's words. A relationship... with Sonny; a dream... a wish... a hope... a life finally filled with everything she had ever dreamed of... fantasized about... a full life... abundant. Sonny. The one man that had the innate ability to raise her to heights never before reached and in the next moment send her careening into depths so low that she could lose herself. Fear? Of Sonny? Absolutely!

Kevin watched Alexis come to terms with what he said and very gently lay a hand on her shoulder to draw her attention back to him.

"Have you ever considered that he is just as afraid as you are? You both fear a lot of the same things. But, strength is born of fear. Don't you think that a life together, fighting for each other, standing together against the troubles of the world... don't you think that it's worth a chance? Don't you think you owe it to yourself to let go of some of the fear and reach out to grab hold of someone who loves you just as much as you love him? Don't you think that working together, you can provide a safe haven for your child... for the family that you two created together if you'll just trust each other? Alexis, you will never have what you want unless you want it enough to step out on faith and allow yourself to be loved and accepted for the truly magnificent woman that you are. Let him love you the way you deserve to be loved."

"I don't know if I can."

He knew he was fixing to cross another line. But, the woman was more stubborn than anyone he had come across in a long time and that included his wife.

"You know what you're really saying, don't you? You're very plainly saying you don't trust Sonny... you have no faith in him. He's not worth the time and effort to build a life with. And if you don't trust him then the best thing you can do is to go ahead and walk away."

Kevin waited knowing what was about to happen. He tried to hold back the smile that threatened. He very definitely held her attention. She came at him instantly to defend the man she invested so much of her heart in.

"You don't know a damn thing about Sonny... you simply have no idea what kind of a man he really is. He put his own life on the line to save mine. He would do anything to protect me and our child."

"Do you really believe that, Alexis?"

Alexis stood up and walked several steps away. Looking back at Kevin she saw the grin he was desperately trying to hide on his face.

"You're playing me again. Why?"

"Because, Alexis. We both know how this is going to end. All the talk in the world is not going to change it. This is all about choices. You love the guy. It's a fact. The only thing left is the choice to accept it or reject it. Accept him or reject him. But, let me remind you, there are consequences for the choices we make. Are you ready to accept the consequences if you choose to walk away from the man you love and the man whose child you carry?"

"But what about my sister? Am I just supposed to ignore what happened?"

Kevin stood up getting exasperated with her.

"It's called choice, Alexis. It's also called forgiveness. Do you know what actually happened yet? How can you proceed with what you need to if you haven't even asked what the circumstances were that initiated her death? Don't you think you need all of the facts before you go any further?"

Alexis retreated. It was common anytime someone became irritated or yelled at her. Anyone... except Sonny.

Kevin threw up his hands in frustration...

"There you go again. Ok, if that's the way you want to spend the rest of your life then I won't try to stop you. But just remember this, every time you back off when someone gets the least bit loud or confrontational with you, you are the one who is going to pay for it eventually; and in turn so will little Kristina. She will learn from you. Do you want her to grow up afraid to speak her mind, afraid to take a step outside her own personal cocoon?"

Alexis advanced toward Kevin. A look of steel returning to her eyes. The fear that her daughter would turn out like her was a very real one and one she had already voiced to Johnny. But, to hear it come from Kevin. She returned Kevin's anger.

"You want confrontation, Mr. Psycho-Babble. I'll give you confrontation. Leave my child out of this."

Kevin took a step forward and softened his voice again.

"Don't you see I can't, Alexis. You not only have to re-learn what your rights are for your own well being, you have to re-learn them in order to teach them to your daughter. If she continually sees you retreating from situations that cause anxiety then she will learn to do the same. You learned to hide yourself away from people and situations that caused you intense anger or fear. You stand face to face with them while they rail at you, but you're not there. You take yourself to a place of safety until they back off and then you simply walk away feeling safe and satisfied that you were once again able to keep yourself under absolute control. Break the chain, Alexis. Don't let them win over you and don't let them win over little Kristina. Fight for yourself, fight for the woman you were intended to become... and fight for the mother that little Kristina needs you to be so she can grow up strong and healthy both physically and mentally."

"Uhm... excuse me."

Alexis and Kevin turned around at the same time. They were so engrossed in their conversation they didn't noticed anyone walking toward them. Alexis felt her heart skip a beat when she turned and found herself face to face with Sonny.