The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 75

Alexis turned and headed outside to sit on her favorite bench. Just a little time and a little quiet was all she needed. Sitting down, Alexis leaned back and lifted her head slightly. Drawing in a deep breath, she exhaled slowly and felt some of the tension in her neck fade. Taking another deep breath she relaxed a little more. Feeling a little more at ease, Alexis began trying to put everything into some kind of order. Hearing someone approach she looked up to find Kevin headed her way. He was walking slowly with his head down and a frown on his face. As he drew near she called softly to him.

"Kevin?"

He didn't seem to hear her so she called a little louder and his head finally came up.

"Oh, hi Alexis. Taking a break?"

"Yeah. Looks like you could use one too. Care to join me and tell me what's got you so upset."

"I'm not upset."

"And I'm not really the loon in the looney bin. Come on... sit down and tell me what's going on. I could use something else to focus on for a while."

"It's nothing, Alexis. I was just on my way home."

"You have a fight with Lucy?"

Kevin shot Alexis a look of surprise.

"How'd you guess?"

"It was the way you said the word 'home'. Like you would rather be anywhere but there."

Kevin laughed and sat down beside Alexis.

"And your ability to read people doesn't appear to have been compromised at all with your stay here."

"Kevin, it's not that hard to see when a man is totally exasperated with the woman he loves. If you want, I would be more than happy to offer a couple of ears to you."

"So you're tired of being the patient, huh?

Alexis threw him an exasperated look.

"You have no idea. Now give me something else to focus on for awhile."

"Look it's not that big a deal. I just don't understand Lucy sometimes."

"How do you mean?"

"Women never say what they mean straight out. We're just supposed to know what they mean without any help at all. It's damned frustrating."

"Unlike men who rarely say anything at all and get totally loud and obnoxious when you question them... right?"

"I knew you'd take her side."

"I'm not taking anyone's side. Women communicate one way and men communicate another. It's not intentional... it's just a fact of life. You want to know what's on Lucy's mind? Ask her! But be prepared for the consequences. You may get more than you bargained for. She is pretty outspoken. And you might want to make up your mind before asking that you're ready to be just as honest in your response."

"I'm always honest with Lucy."

"Yeah right. This is me you're talking to, remember?"

"Well as honest as I'm comfortable with."

"Exactly. So why do you think she skirts the issues or dances around them? If she knows or perhaps doesn't know how you really feel about something, how is she supposed to react to you honestly?"

"Is that why you and Sonny have such a difficult time of communicating?"

Kevin laughed when he looked over at Alexis. If he could see inside her head, he knew without a doubt what he would witness going on... a precise well orchestrated rush to close all the doors and shore up a mountain of reserves.

Alexis froze when she heard Kevin laugh.

"What are you laughing at?"

"You. You are simply priceless. It was just a question, Alexis. It wasn't an attempt to start up a therapy session or anything. Relax. I was just trying to get a better understanding of what you were telling me. Not because I wanted to delve into your relationship with Sonny, but because I was delving into mine with Lucy. Now tell all of the guards around the palace to stand down. There is no reason for you to feel the need to protect yourself right now."

Alexis laughed self-consciously and relaxed a little. Looking sideways at Kevin she asked him the one question that was weighing on her mind heavily.

"When are you going to allow me to go home, Kevin?"

Kevin shifted a little so he could look directly at her. It was a question he knew would be coming and one that he was prepared for.

"The question is not when will I allow you to go home. The question is when will you be ready. I will release you when you can look at me without fear when I mention certain people. When you can accept that you are not ‘Super Woman’ and that you have just as many needs as the next person... when you can admit that there are not two separate people living inside that beautiful head of yours. There is only one and her name is Natasha Alexis Davidovich. Is that enough of an answer for you?"

"What you're telling me is that I won't be going home anytime soon."

"No, in fact I think you're a lot closer than you realize."

"How so?"

"Just how was it that you were able to handle Carly, so well? Up until now, it is my understanding that you would never have stood up for yourself in that manner. Am I right?"

"It wasn't worth the effort to constantly have to fight with Carly. She never knew when to give up. And besides... she was Sonny's wife. Out of respect for him, it was best for me to just keep quiet."

"Standing up for your rights as an individual should never be compromised simply because you don't want to hurt someone's feeling. And don't give me that garbage about respecting Sonny. You didn't say anything because as long as you remained quiet and took it all you could still view yourself as the better woman. And before you go jumping down my throat, I would suggest you think about that for a minute."

Kevin knew he was treading on dangerous ground, but he couldn't stop now. Especially since he could tell Alexis was fixing to read him the riot act. Seeing her start to open her mouth to defend herself, Kevin raised his hand.

"Hang with me here a minute, Alexis. It's important I finish this. The way you view yourself... what you do inside to keep yourself separate... that's all part of the reason you approach life the way you do. In order to survive your childhood you chose to lift yourself up by the bootstraps above the circumstances that were forced on you. If you stooped to Carly's level... or Helena's... to fight for yourself then you would be forced to deal with the fear that you could become like them. It's a very real fear that you created for yourself in your own mind. And that's something that you have run from all your life. And you know, just for the record, that was a pretty impressive piece of work you did on Carly this afternoon."

Alexis looked at Kevin dumbfounded.

"You mean you weren't repulsed by that display?"

"Absolutely not. You were a little too busy to notice, but I was the one standing behind you cheering you on."

Alexis bowed her head in embarrassment. For anyone to see that side of her, see her reach that level...

"I just couldn't let her do it anymore. I've only known one other person who hated me that intensely. I try so hard not to let them see what kind of power they have over me. I can't let them see my fear of them."

"But, don't you see, Alexis. Your fear is not of them. Your fear is what they can take from you. Your control, your ability to handle yourself with dignity... If I can get you to understand that they cannot take from you what you are unwilling to give then the battle with that particular fear is won. You've spent a lifetime defending the rights of others, but in the process you seem to have forgotten what your own rights are."

"My rights?"

"Yes, your rights as an individual. There are ten of them.

1. You have the right to be yourself.

2. You have the right to refuse requests without feeling selfish

3. You have the right to be proud of your accomplishments

4. You have the right to get angry.

5. You have the right to ask for help personally.

6. You have the right to change your mind.

7. You have the right to say 'I don't know, I don't understand or I don't care'

8. You have the right to have your opinions respected.

9. You have the right to tell someone else what your needs are.

10. You have the right to change and grow in your values with age and experience.

The only time these rights can come into question is when you begin to infringe on someone else's individual rights."

Alexis reflected on what Kevin was saying. Somehow... it reached her. Like the proverbial light bulb... a light came on.

"When you put it like that it becomes a matter of common sense, doesn't it?"

"Exactly. But, when you're in the thick of it, battling day after day after day, it's a little hard to remember your rights. Especially when you've created a life long pattern of denying them or giving them away whichever the case may be. Why would you recognize what your rights are when you continually give them away to those who would use them against you?"

Alexis sat unmoving, concentrating on what Kevin was saying. It made all the sense in the world. She championed her friends and clients to fight for their rights, while she sat on the sidelines giving hers away. She could see it as clear as day now that Kevin was able to blow away some of the fog for her. Kevin drew her focus once again as he spoke.

"Can you see where a lot of the anger you're living with now comes from? There is a part of you that remembers your rights. The anger comes from that part of you that feels betrayed that you would willing give away the very thing that keeps you strong and able to fight the fights that need fighting. You gave away the very thing that allows you to stand on your own without fear of failure, without fear of isolation. You can continue to call that part of you 'Natasha' all you want to, but the fact of the matter is, you made the choice, Alexis... you gave up your rights... and you are now suffering the consequences of that choice. But, there is a way out of this rut you have allowed yourself to get into."

For the first time that she could remember, Alexis wanted out. Out of the prison she had created for herself over the years. She wanted more... wanted what was hers... what she had a right to. It was time to learn and grow... to take back what was hers. Leaning forward she fixed Kevin with an intense gaze. In as much as she wanted to take back her life there was still the hesitancy... the reluctance to step outside of what was comfortable. But it was a step she knew she must take... for herself, for her child.

"How?"

"By making another choice. You have the power within yourself to take back what is rightfully yours. You only need to choose to. It is a moment by moment choice; give away your rights or keep them. Your choice."