The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 74

Alexis entered her bedroom and quietly closed the door behind her. Leaning against it for support her head dropped forward. It was too much. So much was hitting her... too fast and too hard. Standing up she walked to the bed and dropped down heavily catching her head in her hands. She was visibly shaking from the encounter with Kevin and then with Carly. It wasn't planned. Going outside to defend Sonny was a gut reaction. She had been doing it so long; it just came naturally. No matter how angry she got with him, how absolutely self-absorbed he was at times... whether she wanted to or not... she defended him.

And then Carly appeared. The moment she heard that screeching voice, something in her snapped. This time she wasn't going to take it. Wasn't going to lie down in front of the 'Mack' truck that Carly over the years came to symbolize. Alexis wasn't about to be run over again. Not this time. A small smile touched her lips as she whispered conspiratorially.

"I'd say we kicked a little butt of our own this time, wouldn't you Tasha? It felt good for a change."

Alexis grew still. Reflecting over the past couple of days it took her breath away at what she had gained and lost in so short a time. She didn't know how she was going to deal with the loss of Kristina. How do you put away a memory... a dream that became a reality? How do you say goodbye to someone who loved so completely... who accepted without question? With Kristina, Alexis was able to open herself up to a world of possibilities that once would have paralyzed her with fear. There was so much that Kristina could have taught her and the lessons would have been welcomed... anticipated. Just to see her beautiful smile once more... Alexis' heart ached.

"How will I ever survive her loss?" she whispered.

"By remembering her, Alexis. By giving a small part of every day to her memory."

Alexis didn't realize she spoke aloud and to have someone's voice interrupt her thoughts threw her. Turning swiftly she saw Joy hesitating in the doorway carrying a tray laden with tea. She didn't have it in her to get upset at the intrusion. The depth of loneliness, hurt and grief she was feeling at that moment was so enormous that it left no room for anything else.

"Joy, it just hurts so much. She was the best part of me. She was everything I wanted to be and couldn't."

Alexis lost control of her emotions and quiet tears began to fall.

Putting the tray down on the bedside table, Joy sat down next to Alexis and took her into her arms and rocked her gently joining her own tears with Alexis'.

"I can't pretend to know your loss, but if I can be of any comfort at all, please let me. I used to dream what it would be like to have a sister... someone I could share my secrets with. Someone to love... someone I could count on regardless... a shopping companion... someone to complain about my life to. I've always wanted a sister. And seeing what your sister meant to you only reinforces that desire in me. Can I help, Alexis? Is there anything I can do to ease the pain for you?"

Alexis put her arms around Joy and hugged her then let go. She stood and walked to the window.

"Thank you for wanting to help. But, I don't think there's anything anyone can do at this point. There was just so much life in her... When people like Kristina leave this world... the world gets a little darker. A little less inviting. I will never forgive myself for kill... for putting her in that warehouse."

Joy stood up slowly as what Alexis almost said sank into her consciousness.

"For killing her? Is that what you were going to say?"

Alexis didn't answer her. But Joy watched in awe as she was finally able to witness for herself how a person can completely shut themselves off from everyone and everything around them. Joy couldn't let go... for some reason she needed Alexis. Needed a friend like Alexis....

"Alexis, please... not with me. Please don't distance yourself from me. All I want is to help, even if it's just listening. We girls need to be able to stick together sometimes... be able to count on each other when everybody else tries to beat us down. Let me be your friend, Alexis. Please."

Closing her eyes and allowing herself to remember, Alexis bowed her head as the beautiful face of Chloe appeared in her mind's eye.

"I had a friend once. I miss her desperately. She didn't deserve what she got either."

"Chloe, right?"

Alexis looked up and smiled.

"Yes. I see Johnny's been filling you in on a little Alexis history."

"Please don't be mad at him. He told me about her the morning you remembered her. He was hurting so much because he couldn't help you."

Alexis forced herself to relax by remembering that Joy's only motive was simply to help. She reached out and took Joy's hand briefly squeezing it before letting go.

"It's not likely that I would get angry at Johnny for anything he did in the name of helping me. Don't worry, Joy. I trust him. And just for the record, I kind of have a soft spot for you too. You'll never know what having you around these past few days has meant to me. It has not escaped my notice that you have been more supportive and more caring in just the brief time we've known each other than all of my other so-called friends have been in all the years I've known them. The most positive thing that has come out of all of this is you and Johnny. Thank you, Joy."

Joy was having a hard time trying to contain her own emotions. She wanted to be a friend to Alexis more than anything and it seemed that it just might be possible after all.

"Don't mention it, Alexis. You know, Johnny and I are trying to begin our lives all over again. First with each other and then with the people we want to keep around us. We've both made a lot of mistakes in our choices. But, I think this time we hit the jackpot. With each other and with a certain lady lawyer we've both come to love and respect."

Alexis smiled at Joy allowing her to see the truth of her words and the genuine affection she felt in her eyes.

"I think maybe this time I may have hit the jackpot too."

An insistent quiet voice began to nag at Alexis. 'It's time to trust again. You can trust Joy. Trust yourself and trust Joy.' Opening another door of her heart, Alexis honored her sister by accepting the offer of friendship that Joy stood ready to give.

"Care to sit with me a while. It seems maybe I could use an ear after all."

"I would love to. But, I have to tell you... I hope I never end up on your bad side. I couldn't help but overhear that little confrontation in the hall. Damn girl; you sure do know how to kick butt with class. Care to teach me?"

Alexis laughed with relief as she sat down across from Joy.

"Well, that was a little unusual for me. I'm not one for physical violence of any kind, but that... person has been a thorn in my side for far too long."

"You mean that varmint, don't you?"

The two women laughed together at Johnny's favorite term for Carly then grew quiet, content to just sit awhile companionably. Alexis noticed Joy begin to fidget a little and knew she had questions, but was trying to respect her silence by not asking. Alexis gave in.

"Ok, ask me."

Joy looked up in confusion at Alexis' words.

"What?"

"It's quite clear that you have something on your mind."

Joy marveled at the absolute insight and intelligence that her companion possessed and grinned.

"Ok, so I'm easy to read sometimes. But instead of asking a question, I think I would prefer to tell you something that happened while you were out earlier. It does concern Sonny, so tell me now if you don't want to hear it and I'll shut up."

"With that kind of an introduction, it doesn't leave me much of a choice. Go on and tell me."

Joy pulled a pillow from the head of the bed and folded it giving her something to prop herself on and reclined comfortably at the foot of the bed.

"Well, he asked me a question. I could tell he was having a hard time spitting it out, but evidently he needed to know the answer pretty bad. He asked me what Johnny did for me that put a certain look in my eyes."

"Are you serious? Sonny asked a question that was that personal of a virtual stranger?"

Alexis stood slowly as the enormity of Sonny's question began to sink in. She paced up and down the length of the room a couple of times then returned to sit at the head of the bed.

"What made him ask that kind of question?"

"It was the weirdest thing really. It was right after they found out you had jumped ship and he went all dictator like and started talking about calling in 'the boys' to go find you and then Johnny stepped in and very carefully put him in his place. I love it when Johnny does that. Oh sorry, good for me... not so good for you maybe. But, anyway, Johnny told Sonny that he didn't think you would want anybody else knowing what was going on and it wasn't such a good idea to make that kind of a mistake right now. Besides, Johnny told Sonny he had a real good idea about where you went. So Sonny pipes up and says 'let's go'. Well Johnny wouldn't hear of it. He was not about to let Sonny disturb his grandmother's resting place. Don't you wish you had a grandmother like 'Nana Rose'? Anyway... "

Joy stopped recounting her tale when she heard Alexis laugh.

"What are you laughing at?"

"You. Joy, when was the last time you had a friend to talk to?"

Joy smiled self-consciously.

"Sorry, I do tend to get carried away when I have an audience."

"Don't you dare apologize! It sounds so good to these battle weary ears. But, I have to tell you... I'm a little impatient here and I'm sure you can probably guess why. So, for my sake, could you speed this up a bit."

"Yeah. I can speed it up. He said, quote: When I looked into Alexis' eyes this morning I knew that she loved me, but there was something missing. It's not missing in your eyes when you look at Johnny. There's this thing there that looks like you've given the rest of your life to him and it satisfies you. You look satisfied with your life... your choices, unquote."

Joy tried to hide the laugh that threatened to explode from her as she witnessed Alexis' reaction to Sonny’s words. Her jaw dropped dramatically and her eyes widened enormously.

"Are you sure that's what he said. Joy, Sonny doesn't say things like that to strangers. Why... what... did you say something to him?"

"No, I didn't. He just watched me and Johnny say good bye to each other before Johnny went to find you and the look on his face was... well... like he knew he was missing something and he wanted it more than anything else in the world."

Alexis grew quiet. What did he want? What could Sonny possibly want that could drive him to open himself up like that to a stranger?

"How did you answer him, Joy if you don't mind my asking?"

"I don't mind at all seeing as how that guy will do just about anything to give you what he thinks you want. Oh sorry, maybe that was a little too much. Just calling it like I see it. Anyway, what I told him was... that the relationship that Johnny and I share is a 100% committed effort on both sides. We both give 100% to each other. There are no lies, no secrets, absolute trust and nothing false. Johnny provides me with a home full of love and laughter and I make it my business to give him everything he could possibly want so he has no reason to look elsewhere for something he isn't getting. Jealousy has no place in our lives because we are so committed that all of our time is spent catering to each other's needs. That's what I told Sonny."

"And he listened to you?"

"Every word without interruption."

Alexis' mind was chaotic with questions, thoughts, absolute astonishment, and yet still the anger remained. She shook her head a couple of times in vain to try and sort it all out. Hearing Joy speak up again, Alexis refocused on her friend.

"Can I ask you something, Alexis?"

"Of course."

"You don't have to answer, but I was just curious about something."

"You want to know why I'm so angry with Sonny?"

"Well, not exactly. I mean I can somewhat understand what being around a guy like that could mean when it comes to being physically safe. But, I don't get why you're treating him so cold right now. I don't mean that in an accusatory way, it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, given what he's tried to do for you since you've come back. Are you scared of him or something? Look, if I'm stepping over a line here, you just let me know and I'll back off instantly."

"It's ok, Joy. You've earned the right to know a little about what's going on in my head. Actually it's pretty simple to explain. I'm not ready to deal with Sonny yet. But, if you give him an inch, he takes a mile. I have to keep some distance between us until I can sort all of this out."

"Couldn't he possibly help you do that? You know, you two tackle it together?"

"Sonny has a way of bulldozing his way through problems while I tend to work them out one step at a time. I don't want to be bulldozed right into a relationship that could eventually prove to be my undoing again."

"Don't you love him, Alexis?"

"Love is not enough sometimes, Joy."

"I don't buy that, Alexis. Not when two people truly understand what love is..."

"I don't think I understand what you're trying to tell me."

"Yes, you do; because you already know what it means to love. You already know that love is more than a feeling. You've proved it time and again where Sonny is concerned. You just don't recognize it because it has never been returned in the same manner that you have given it. But, he's open to it now. He wants to know what is expected on his part. He wants to know because he wants to be what you need him to be... he wants to give back what you gave him. Don't you think he deserves the chance to know what it feels like to love unconditionally?"

"Of course he does, but how can you expect me to put my daughters life in danger in the same way that I did my sister?"

"Ok, wait a minute. That's a separate issue and one that can't be dealt with until after you settle your feelings where Sonny is concerned. Look, I already know the answer but I think you need to admit it to yourself again. Do you love Sonny, Alexis?"

"Yes."

"Do you want him to be a part of your life?"

"Yes."

"Do you think he deserves the chance to be a part of his daughter's life?"

Alexis didn't answer. There was still so much fear involved with allowing Sonny access to little Kristina.

Joy watched in fascination as Alexis processed her thoughts.

"How do you do that? No, never mind... I'll leave that for another day. Do this; try to look at this without the fear. Take away the fact that Sonny lives a dangerous life and that he's a target more often than not... "

"But don't you see, Joy. If I took all of that out of the picture then there wouldn't be a problem. He does live a dangerous life. The people he allows around him are at risk."

"And so am I, every day of my life and up until a couple of weeks ago I didn't even know Sonny. I work with people who are insane, violent, and sick every day. But, it's who I am... what I chose to do with my life. I can't let what could happen or what might happen dictate how I live my life. What would happen if I brought home a terminal illness and Johnny contracted it? It's a long shot, but it could happen. But, I don't want to live my life depriving myself of something that means the world to me just because of the fear that something might happen. And don't you think that Sonny has already thought of all of this. Doesn't it make sense that he would take every precaution to protect you and his daughter? Don't take away the only chance you may ever have at being truly happy with a man that you adore. I can't imagine your sister would want you to do that."

"No, she didn't care what I did as long as I was happy."

"Don't you want to be happy, Alexis?"

"I don't know that it's possible given the mess I've made of everything. I will always have the shadow of her death hanging over me."

Joy sat up and shrugged her stiff shoulders knowing she was fixing to set herself up to possibly lose the first real friend she was ever blessed with.

"Well, probably not. I mean, that is if you're going to stay so intent on carrying the responsibility of every one else's mistakes on your back. And just go ahead and get mad at me if you want to, but I think it's awful bold of you to think you can take on God's job and presume that you can do it better than He can."

Alexis could not have been more shocked if Joy had actually slapped her. She was so stunned that any kind of anger at Joy could not find any room to ignite amongst the multitude of emotions that were churning inside of her.

Alexis moved off the bed cautiously so as not to appear angry and turned around to face Joy, her shock at Joy's last words clearly evident on her face.

"Joy, that's a pretty heavy accusation you've just thrown at me and I don't know what's behind it. I'm pretty sure you didn't intend it the way it sounded, but in all honestly I haven't known you long enough to actually know for sure. Just what do you mean by that?"

"I'm sorry it came out as strong as it did, but I didn't know how else to get my point across. It is a pretty heavy thing I just said, I know. But Alexis, you simply don't have the right to take on the responsibility of other people's actions or choices. And if you don't have that right then you certainly don't have the right to take on the consequences of those actions. And on top of that, when you do take on the consequences of other people's mistakes you seem honor bound to become judge and jury to yourself. And that's simply not your job. That's God's job. He's the only one who can see the whole picture and if you get in the way then you're tampering with something you have no business tampering with. If you make a mistake, then deal with it. Your mistake is the only thing you have control over fixing or forgiving. If Kristina made mistakes then they were hers to answer for. If she, in some way, tried to take on something that wasn't any of her business... then I'm sorry, Alexis; but, she's the one that had to shoulder the responsibility of it. If you try to take that responsibility away from her... then you're taking on something that doesn't belong to you and making your life so much more difficult than it was ever intended to be. You're not leaving any room for human error much less the forgiveness that every single one of us has a God-given right to. Now, just how mad at me are you?"

During Joy's diatribe, Alexis had moved to the window and stood staring out, unseeing. Her mind was racing. She heard it before. Kevin tried to explain to her exactly what Joy was saying. But, she just simply couldn't wrap her mind around it. One question kept coming up.

"Joy, it was my fault that Kristina was in that warehouse; because I wasn't honest with her. She's gone because of me. How am I suppose to reconcile what your saying with all the facts I am faced with?"

"Why don't you tell me what happened. Because from what I know of you since you've been here, you don't have a mean or vindictive bone in your body."

"I didn't want Kristina to know I was pregnant. So I hid it from her. She was always so intent on fighting my battles for me. It was firmly planted in her mind that I never stood up for myself as much as I should have, so she made it her business to be my defender... my guardian angel of sorts. If she thought someone was abusing my rights or me personally she fought them like a tigress. I tried to get her to understand that I just couldn't do things the way she wanted me to. Anyway, she found out that Sonny was the father of my baby and she went to the warehouse to confront him. She was only trying to do what she thought was best for me and she died because of it. If I told her the truth from the start... who the father was and why I didn't want him to know he was the father... she would never have had a reason to go to that warehouse. So you see, it's not my imagination that she died because of my mistakes. She died because I wasn't willing to be as much of a sister to her as she was to me. In the end I failed her again, just like I did when I lost her as a baby."

"Whoa, wait a minute. You just lost me. As a baby?"

Alexis realized her anguish had led her once again to say too much.

"I'm sorry, Joy. I just can't continue this right now. I need some time alone to think... put things into some sort of perspective. Do you mind... I think I would like to take a walk and let the cool air filter out some of the chaos that's playing havoc with my head."

Joy stood up and walked closer to Alexis. Placing a hand on each of her shoulders, Joy looked her in the eyes and smiled.

"It's ok with me. I understand you went a little further than you intended to, and you don't want to share a whole lot with me right now. Some things take a lot more time than others do and building a friendship is one of those things. But, I guess you already know that too. You go do what you need to and by the time you get back I'll have dinner on the table and we can all just sit and relax awhile. That ok with you?"

Alexis hugged Joy tightly relieved that she was not going to be cajoled or manipulated into telling secrets that were best left buried in the past.

"Thank you, Joy... for understanding. Do you think you can go one step further and help me get past my bodyguard so I can have a little time alone?"

"Not a problem if you'll promise me you won't get into any trouble."

Alexis laughed and her heart warmed as she heard Joy laugh with her. It was almost like Kristina was standing guard again. She couldn't help but tease Joy a little.

"Not that there's really a whole lot I could get into around here, but I promise I won't get into any trouble."

"I'm not worried, Miss Smarty... you have too many guards hanging around the palace to get into too much trouble. Seriously though, would you take my cell phone with you... just in case."

"Yes, Joy. I'll take your cell phone."

Opening the front door of her suite, Alexis prepared to do battle with Sonny if he didn't honor her wish for a little private time. It surprised her to find he wasn't there. Glancing at the chair that remained outside his door she found a note addressed to her. She recognized his handwriting and immediately opened it.

Alexis, Michael called and asked if I would come home for a while. It seems there was some kind of altercation between Carly and Jason. I know you will understand that I have to go check on him. I promise I will be back in a couple of hours. Don't let anyone take my chair, beautiful. Sonny

Alexis knew Sonny probably had a hard time leaving his self-imposed post, but she was glad she didn't have to deal with him just yet. She quietly whispered to the silence around her.

"It's almost time, Sonny."