The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 70

Coming out of the trees, Johnny turned toward the gazebo in hopes of finding Alexis there. He knew she was here before he made the turn onto the small dirt road. The skid marks on the blacktop road attested to the fact that she nearly missed the turn. Parking the car next to his truck he grimaced at how close the front wheels of his truck were to the deep ditch that paralleled the tree line. When he didn’t find her sitting in the gazebo he let his eyes wander around the area searching for her. When his eyes finally came to rest on the grave of his grandmother, his heart sank. It was there that he found Alexis. She was sitting with her back leaned against the side of the monument, head down resting on arms that clutched her knees tightly to her breast. She didn’t hear him approach, but he could tell by her ragged and irregular breathing that she was struggling to contain her emotions.

"Alexis?"

He heard her breath catch and then release slowly as she realized who spoke to her, never lifting her head.

"Would you like me to call someone for you?"

Johnny watched apprehensively as her head slowly rose, eyes red and swollen from crying gradually met his. The voice that answered him was broken and weary.

"Who would you call, Johnny? Would you call my father… can’t he was murdered years ago. Doesn’t matter though, there’s not much he could actually offer since I never really knew him. My mother? She was also murdered when I was a child. Such a loving and sweet soul… so loving that she couldn’t see the danger until it was too late. Maybe you’d like to call brother? But, why should he care. He’s yet to call or even inquire about me? Doesn’t really matter anyway, he has his own life; he’s paid his dues and deserves a little peace and quiet."

Johnny stepped forward quickly as he saw her start to rise then stopped immediately when she lifted her hand signaling him to keep his distance. His heart froze with her next words, which were heavy with sarcasm and restrained venom.

"Or maybe you would like to call my sister… oh wait, now see… there I go again, asking for the impossible. Just can’t seem to wrap my mind around the fact that she too was murdered. Only this time, I was the one who took an innocent life. Oh, I’m well aware that I had plenty of help in accomplishing such a task. My cohorts in crime… Mr. Ned Ashton; who thinks I am incapable of handling my life and Mr. Sonny Corinthos; mob boss extraordinaire; self-absorbed, self-proclaimed ruler of Port Charles, New York. The great and mighty king… the all knowing; never wrong, always right… Mr. Sonny Corinthos."

Johnny’s fear was rising. He could see the strain she was under just trying to control her anger, her bitterness and resentment. What he feared most were the repercussions he could be faced with should she lose the battle he knew she was desperately fighting. Alexis had always been adamant about maintaining control of her emotions, regardless of the circumstance. Not willing to help her continue down the path of self-loathing and destruction, Johnny tried another tactic.

"I was thinking I could maybe call one of your friends."

She chuckled derisively.

"What? Jax? Haven’t seen or heard from him since I’ve been here. I’m really not surprised though, Jax always did go his own way. Or perhaps you’d like to call Ned? You’ve already said it yourself, Johnny. He has his own way of dealing with Alexis and her tendency to screw up her life. Besides… Ned has done quite enough, thank you. Who else is there, Johnny? Maybe you can tell me. Who would you call if you were me?"

Johnny thought for a moment and came up with someone who might be able to calm her down, but knew even as the thought came that she would not consider it. But still, he had to try. Maybe Nicholas could talk to her.

"I could call…"

"DON’T. Don’t you even dare."

Johnny stilled at the hardness he heard in her voice. He understood that she assumed he was talking about Sonny. Looking at her as she stood a few feet away from him, he was terrified at what he was seeing. Her back was rigid, every muscle frozen in place to keep her from showing any weakness or vulnerability. He took a few steps closer and again stopped when she moved away from him.

"I was talking about someone in Port Charles. Isn’t there anyone I can call to help you through this, Alexis?"

She raised her eyebrows as she looked at him… her forced smile a thin line of sarcasm.

"What? Are you ready to bail on me too, Johnny? I thought we had an agreement. Sorry, my mistake. I guess it was only in effect until I remembered what I did to… Well no matter, as you can see, I have it all now. It’s okay, really… you can go now. I’m releasing you from your commitment. I wouldn’t presume to think you would want to hang around now."

"STOP IT. Damn it Alexis, just stop it."

Johnny knew what she was doing, but he didn’t know what to do to stop her. She was turning her hatred inward. All of her grief, her guilt, the blame… she was placing it all on herself. He moved quickly toward her and took her by the arm and swung her around to face him before she had the chance to run from him. He put both of his arms around her and she immediately began to struggle to free herself from his hold spitting acidic words at him.

"Let me go, Johnny. Damn you. Let me go. Go back to your perfect little world and your perfect little wife. Leave me alone. Don’t you understand that I don’t want you here! I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody. I don’t want anybody."

Johnny jerked her away from him enough to look her in the eye.

"If that is what you wanted, then why did you come here? Why did you come to my grandmother?"

When she didn’t answer him, he shook her once and repeated his question more forcefully.

"Why, Alexis? Why here?"

Alexis stilled. The agony in his voice, his concern for her was causing her to lose some of the anger that held her composed. She looked up into his eyes and gasped at the absolute fear and desperation she saw there.

"Let me go, Johnny. Please. I couldn’t take it if something happened to you because of me. Please… just go back to Joy. Go back to her and build that life you were telling me about. I need to know that it is possible for someone to have that kind of life. Please, just go."

He loosed his hold on her, but still kept his arms around her. He could feel through her body that she was reluctantly calming a bit. He took advantage and pressed her.

"No, Alexis. You haven’t answered me yet. I’m not going anywhere until you do. Now please answer my question. Why did you come here?"

In a voice so quiet he had to bend over to hear, she finally answered him.

"I didn’t know where I was going when I left. I just knew that if I didn’t get away from there… I felt trapped. I just started driving and before I knew it I was here and it somehow felt like this was where I was supposed to be; like it was the only place I could go. It was the closest I could get…"

He felt her lean into him and her forehead slowly found his shoulder.

"Get to what, Alexis?"

"To… to her."

"Who?"

He waited, knowing she would tell him when she could bring herself to voice it aloud. Gently taking her arm he led her to the gazebo and sat her down just inside the entry where the sun still shone and could warm her. Sitting down beside her, he gently coaxed her once more.

"Who is it that you wanted to get close to, Alexis?"

Alexis leaned back against the rough timber of the bench and stared down at the floor. Johnny could visually see her trembling. Inching closer to her, he put his arm around her and pulled her closer.

"Tell me, sweetheart."

"Kristina."

He knew what her response would be, but he couldn’t imagine how this place that he made for his grandmother could give her what she needed.

"I don’t understand, Alexis. How can coming here bring you closer to your sister? It’s not making a whole lot of sense to me. Could you explain it?"

Alexis pulled away from Johnny and stood up. She turned so that she was facing the grave of his grandmother.

"There’s no where else I could have gone that wasn’t marred… contaminated by my life. It was because of her, because of your grandmother… You grew up in a house full of love. So did Kristina. I thought… I thought if I came here… sat here for a while I could find enough love still hanging around that maybe… I know it doesn’t make sense. But, Kristina learned how to love from people who loved. Just like you did. I want my daughter to learn it as well. But, I don’t have it in me to teach her. How can I teach her something that I never knew? How can I teach her how to take responsibility for her actions when I couldn’t even do it myself? Kristina could have taught her… but she… she can’t now."

"Alexis, you have more love in you than just about anyone I know. That’s what your little girl needs from you."

"No, not anymore. When Kristina died… when I put her in that warehouse and she died… something died in me. I’m not sure I can be the mother that my daughter will need."

Johnny stood and stepped closer to Alexis. Putting an arm around her shoulder he drew her face toward his.

"Tell me something, partner. Is this the kind of thinking you were up to after the funeral? Is this what you were doing to yourself when you slipped away?"

She left the shelter of his arm as well as the gazebo and walked toward the brook. Johnny waited another moment before following her. A thought was formulating in his mind and he wasn’t quite finished with it yet. Stepping down he slowly followed her with his head down… thinking. When he drew close enough for her to hear him, he quietly spoke.

"So let me get this straight. You are holding yourself responsible for the death of your sister and because of that you are questioning your ability to be a good mother. You also figure you don’t have any friends you can depend on and your family really hasn’t been there for you either when you needed them. But, there’s more going on here than that isn’t there? Much more! You’re leaving out a big part of all this. Want to shed some light on it for me? Give me the whole picture, Alexis?"

Johnny waited a moment for her to respond, but wasn’t surprised when she didn’t. She was firmly ensconced behind her walls again and wasn’t allowing him access. He needed her angry again. If what he suspected was true, she wouldn’t come close to admitting it unless it came out in anger.

"It’s Sonny, isn’t it? He’s the missing piece in all of this. I’m not entirely sure how he fits into this little pity party you’ve got going here. Care to help me out a bit? Oh wait, before I ask such a personal question I would first have to know which one of you I’m talking to, right? Are you Alexis, or are you Natasha? Which one of you cares to speak up and talk a little truth here? Or do you both just want to sit back and take the easy way out again? I’m surprised that both of you are choosing cowardice this time."

He barely saw it coming out of the corner of his eye, but the ringing in his ears and the lights dancing around in his head were proof enough that there was still a lot of fire left in Alexis Davis. Lifting his hand to rub his stinging cheek where her handprint remained, he grinned impishly.

"See, I knew there was still some fight left in you."

Alexis exploded on him.

"How dare you play with me like that? Is it not enough that my whole world just fell apart? Do you want to add more on top of it? Want to see just how much more I can take? No wait, I get it now. Even my so-called best friend, Mr. Johnny O’Brien feels the need to start handling me. What… am I mot performing the way you think I ought to? Did I not cry enough for you… miss the cue that allowed me to get angry… or maybe it was too much for you? Tell me, what could I possibly do to satisfy you?"

A small inner voice pleaded with her to calm down and watch her words. She didn’t want to hear it… she didn’t want to back down as she always did to protect others from her anger. She tried desperately to ignore the voice. But, it would not be silenced. Slipping to the ground she began rocking back and forth trying to comfort the agony she was feeling deep inside. A faint agonizing sound of defeat found its way past her trembling lips.

"I am so absolutely bone weary of constantly being manipulated by those I would call friend. They think it is their right to dictate how I live my life. They push and pull, drag me in and out of their lives at their discretion… but only when they need something from me. It’s not enough that I give them all I have… it’s not enough that I run to them every time they crook their finger. I do anything and everything I can to keep them from walking away… to keep them in my life regardless of what it costs me. But it’s still not enough. What more do they want from me? I don’t have anything left to give. They honestly think they are entitled to tell me how to act, what to feel, how to feel, what to do or not do… and I am just so jaw-droppingly sick of it. And now here you are doing the very same thing. I thought I could trust you. Why Johnny? Why do you have to be like the rest of them? I thought I stood a chance with you. It was different with Kristina. She accepted me just as I was. She didn’t always agree with me, but she stood by me regardless of how wrong she thought I was. She loved me… Johnny, she loved me like your grandmother loved you. I will never have someone love me so unreservedly ever again. Kristina was it for me. Do you know what facing a life of conditional acceptance feels like… what it does to you inside? No, of course you don’t. How could you with someone like Joy in your life?"

Alexis slowly rose and went back to the gazebo and sat down. She heard Johnny follow, but didn’t care. There was nothing left inside of her for any of them.

Johnny’s heart was grieving deeply for his friend. Her words cut him deeply. But he knew they were words of truth, words that needed to be said. Alexis needed to say them… it was probably the first time she ever allowed herself to really face the truth regarding her relationships. Entering the gazebo, he knelt before her and took her hand into his own. He kissed it then gently lay it just above where her child rested.

Alexis looked down at him and saw the tears her words had caused him. She was in awe of how tender and loving this man’s heart was. Even with all that she said to him, his concern was still for her and the child she carried. Raising her arms she put them around his neck and hugged him fiercely.

"I’m sorry, Johnny. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that."

Johnny took hold of her arms and abruptly pulled her away from him.

"No, stop. Don’t you ever apologize for telling the truth! There’s only one thing that I think you are wrong about. You are loved… unconditionally, and you will be loved unconditionally for the rest of your life. By me as your friend, and by this little one that you have fought so hard to protect. You are loved, Alexis. I regret having to get a little tough on you, but I didn’t know how else to reach you. I was scared that if I left you alone you would do the same thing you did after you came home from the funeral. I don’t know about you… but I just couldn’t take the chance of that happening again. I need you too much. I need to be able to love you as my friend, support you, fight for you if need be. I need a friend. Being friends with you has added so much to my life. Alexis, let me be your friend. Let me try to show you what having a real friend is all about."

The tears were cascading down her cheeks. Drawing his head closer to her she kissed him on both cheeks then rested her forehead against his.

"I know that you are my friend. You’ve been my ‘Kristina’ of sorts these past couple of months. Everything you have done has been geared toward making things the best they could be for me under the circumstances. Johnny, I want to be the same kind of friend for you. But, I’m not entirely sure I know how. But, I’d like to try. Teach me."

Johnny rose from his knees and sat down beside her on the bench. Putting an arm around her he smiled comfortingly.

"I don’t have to teach you, Alexis. You already know how. You’ve just been shaken up and can’t see it right now. You’re the one that taught me what I know of friendship. I’ve watched you walk in and out of people’s lives spreading a wealth of love and wisdom as if you possessed a never-ending supply of it. The only problem has been, the people you give it all to have not stopped long enough to learn how to return the gift or to even say a simple thank you. They’ve been too caught up in themselves to look any further than their own nose. So, we just have to hit them over the head a few times so they’ll get the message."

Alexis let her hand run down the side of Johnny’s face in a gentle caress then stood and left the gazebo to return to the foot of Rose O’Brien’s grave. Johnny followed her and stopped when he heard her soft voice.

"No, I don’t think so. I’ve had enough, Johnny. People are who they are and I’m too tired to fight for something that should have been mine all along. That battle is just not one I want to engage in any longer. Besides I’ve got enough to deal with right now. Somehow I have to find a way to handle all of this anger that’s threatening to take over. I don’t want ‘little Kristina’ to be born into a world where this kind of anger and hate exists. I don’t know how to get rid of it yet, but I have to find a way."

Johnny drew alongside her and lay his arm across her shoulder.

"I’ll do anything I can to help, Alexis."

Alexis settled her arm around his waist and lay her head on his shoulder.

"Thank you, Johnny. But, I think this is something that I’m going to have to do for myself. I don’t think you can help me find my way through this one, in fact, I don’t think you should stay as close as you have been. I can’t promise that in the heat of anger I won’t say something that might hurt you. It seems that I no longer have control of my tongue. But, I can promise you that I won’t be taking any dives this time. I’ll do whatever I have to in order to keep that from happening."

Johnny pulled her closer.

“Just remember, I’ll always be around if you need me partner.”