The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 67

Sonny's body jerked violently as her first scream tore through him. Dropping his head to his chest, he turned his tear stained face toward the door where his eyes met those of his own sister who had come in and stood quietly... waiting for him. Glancing at Alexis from the corner of his eye his heart fell at the coldness he saw on her face. She didn't look at him. She wasn't looking at anyone. The necklace she still held in her hands held her complete attention as her body shook with the effort to control the sobs that were trying to tear their way out of her soul. He walked toward Courtney and as he neared her she took the last two remaining steps and pulled him into her arms. He lay his head on the shoulder of his sister as his ears once again filled with the heartbreaking sounds of grief and loss... Her grief... her loss. Every gasp, every ragged breath she took scarred him. For the rest of his life he would bear the scars of her pain on his soul. Her words of loss once again met his ears, but this time the agony he felt because of them was so much more intense. This time he knew what he felt for her, knew what he had meant to her... this time her grief touched him so much deeper than it had before. Just as he ripped out her heart... his was ripped out as well. With all they came to mean to each other over the last few days... for her to send him away this time tore at the very core of him... so much more to lose. Losing her this time would cost him everything. Sonny felt himself sliding slowly into the comfort of depression. Just as Alexis' anger would shield her, the blackness of his depression would shield him.

Raising his head from Courtney's shoulder. Sonny saw the tears she shed for him.

"Don't cry for me... look over there... that is what your brother brings to the lives around him. Run, Courtney. Get away from here, away from me... before I destroy you too."

Courtney gazed into the eyes of her older brother and shuddered at the anguish she saw there. He was going down and she had to stop him. Lowering her voice so Alexis could not hear her, she spoke sternly.

"No, you are not going to do this. She needs you now more than ever. If you can't see that, then you do not deserve to have another chance with her. Now come on before she sees that look in your eyes."

Turning swiftly she pulled him along with her. Stopping at the door she turned back to catch Joy's attention who was standing beside Johnny.

"Joy, we will be outside. If you need us... please come get us. We'll be right outside."

Sonny's mind was on the verge of shutting down. The darkness that was so familiar to him was coming upon him like a quiet snowfall. The image of Alexis' face as she realized the enormity of what had been taken from her seemed to have become a permanent fixture in the forefront of his mind. He followed mutely behind Courtney as she led him from the room.

As Sonny heard the door close behind them he froze for a moment thinking to himself, 'No, this is wrong. I should be with her.' Starting back toward the door he stopped suddenly as he felt Courtney's hand restrain him.

"Sonny, you can't go back in there yet. You need to get control of yourself."

"Let go, Courtney. I have to do something. She's alone in there... I can't leave… I promised… I can’t leave her alone. I can't do that to her again. I have to... help... somehow... "

Courtney drew his hand up and held it at against her heart. Even though her heart cried for her brother's pain... one thought would not be stilled. 'This is my brother. There is so much I do not know about him. But, at least now I know he has feelings like the rest of us do.'

"Sonny, you can not help her yet. You have to get control of yourself first. Kevin is in there... he knows what to do for her. You have to be patient for a while. Give her some time to accept the news. Even as bad as you feel right now, remember... she feels so much more. Give her some time, Sonny. She'll put everything into place and then you can go to her."

Both Sonny and Courtney's attention was drawn to the door as they saw it open and Joy and Johnny come out. Sonny immediately turned toward Johnny with a sneer. His voiced raised with fear and jealousy.

"What are you doing out here? You're supposed to be in there doing what you do best. The great and mighty Johnny! The only one allowed to help her when she's in trouble. Get your ass back in there and do your job."

Johnny didn't have the heart to take Sonny's words seriously. He knew what Sonny was feeling and he knew he why. He was already having a problem being out in the hall away from Alexis.

"Sonny, calm down. I'm out here because it's what she wants right now. Kevin is going to stay with her for a while. He's going to try to help get her past the roughest part then he'll let us know what to do. It seems that you and I both are going to have to play a waiting game. Care to take a little walk with me? Kevin is going to be in there for a while and I could use some fresh air."

At Johnny's quiet and calming tone, Sonny relaxed slightly. He was regretful of his harsh words to Johnny, but couldn't let go enough to tell him. He had already shown too much of himself today and he was ready to shut down so no one could get any closer.

"I don't think we need to leave here, Johnny. What if she calls for... for you?"

"That's not going to happen any time soon, Sonny. She's in pretty bad shape. Right now she's got all she can handle. Kevin will take care of her... and we'll be ready for her when she's ready for us. Now come on, let's either take that walk or at least go get a cup of coffee."

Johnny laid his hand on Sonny's shoulder and gently encouraged him to follow. Just as he turned to walk down the hall he glanced back at Joy and caught her putting an arm around Courtney to stop her from following. He smiled gratefully as he heard her whisper to Courtney.

"Let them go, Courtney. Sonny needs a man to talk to and Johnny needs to be with Sonny right now. Let the men go... you and I will be here waiting for them. We'll be their hidden strength for a while. Now don't you worry, all of this is going to work out just fine. Just you wait and see."

As things were progressing outside, Kevin quietly turned the doorknob to Alexis' bedroom and stepped inside the door. He found her standing at the window. There were no tears now... just stone cold silence. Her face was void of all emotion except relentless anger.

Hearing her door open, Alexis did not turn to see who entered. She didn't care to know. All she wanted was to be left alone.

"You don't listen very well."

Closing the door behind him, Kevin took a couple of steps further into the room.

"Actually I listen quite well. I just don't pay a lot of attention to the wishes of patients who don't know what's best for them."

"I happen to be quite aware of what I need and what I don't need. And right now, I don't need you or anyone else meddling in my life. Now, before I am forced to resort to unkind tactics... would you please leave me in peace."

"Do you honestly think you'll find any peace if I walk out that door right now?"

Turning her head she brought her eyes to rest on Kevin. There were so many emotions churning inside she was desperately trying to control, the only one she felt comfortable with was the one she released.

"Contrary to popular belief, I am not so naïve as to believe that. I am well aware of the fact that for me, peace of any kind is an unrealistic dream. In fact your question, while I'm sure you find it to be appropriate and valid, I personally find it rather condescending and insulting. So if that is all that you have to offer, as I have now requested I believe twice, please leave."

This was a different Alexis than he had ever seen before. Kevin knew a lot of her history, he knew a lot of how she dealt with things; but this was new for him. In each of his encounters with Alexis, there was always that one crack in her armor he could get through and work with. The woman who stood before him now was completely closed off to any and all advances. The clichéd building of a brick wall for protection didn't even come close to what he was witnessing as he stood there watching her. Alexis was backpedaling fast and hard... trying to get to what she could term a 'safe' place. As she looked at him he could see the activity going on in her eyes. It was eerily reminiscent of a computer sorting and filing information. No emotion was allowed other than that which would allow the processing to continue towards its goal. It was stunning to him to realize that even while all that was going on in her mind, she still had the presence of mind to make her wishes so clearly understood. The woman was simply put a remarkable and ingenious study of preservation at its best. He was in awe of her and shook his head in wonderment. This was not going to be easy. Getting close enough to persuade her to talk to him was bordering on a complete impossibility at this moment. His shoulders slumped slightly as he realized what it was going to take to get her to stop long enough for him to work with her. It was the one thing that could effectively take away any chance of helping her. There was a possibility that she could view it as an attack on her abilities as a mother. But at this point, there were no other options. He needed to get her attention.

"So Alexis, in the middle of all the analyzing and processing, the business of protecting yourself that's going on in your head, have you stopped once to consider how your child is reacting to the emotional chaos that is going on inside you? Or are you so intent on yourself that you have forgotten her?"

Alexis turned bodily from the window and advanced toward him with pure caustic intolerance in her eyes and a voice to match.

"How dare you? The only reason I am still standing in this insane asylum of yours is because of my child. Do you honestly think that I would still be here given what I now know if it weren't for the fear that I... you have no right to attack me on that level. Everything I do now, I do for her. And her name is not 'baby', it is not 'the child' or 'your child'. From now on you will address her by her name... Kristina. I promised my sister on her deathbed that I would name my child after her. Are you satisfied now that I am thinking of my daughter? Because if you are, then I would think that even you could see just how much I need a little privacy right now. Is that too much to ask?"

"And just what kind of guarantee can you give me that when I come back to check on you that you won't have checked out?"

All Alexis wanted at that moment was to be alone and she didn't care how she accomplished it whether it was by truth or not.

"I have lost a lot as Natasha and as Alexis. I am not willing to give up the one chance I have of bringing my child into this world to replace what has been taken from me. Does that answer your question?"

"So you are going to try once again to handle it all on your own without help from anyone? Seems to me like you have a bit of a problem learning from past mistakes."

Alexis felt herself begin to shake internally from the effort it was taking to keep her anger under control. Kevin was pushing too hard, but if she was going to manipulate what she needed out of this situation then she needed to stay in control.

"I'm not asking for much here, Kevin. Just give me half an hour... alone. Then you can send Johnny in. But, right now... it would help me a great deal if you would just give me a little latitude to deal with the enormity of what just happened here. What I don't need right now is to have to fight you with what little resources I have left. Can you understand that? I mean do you have the intellectual reasoning required to understand what I am telling you?"

Kevin inwardly flinched at her carefully chosen words and the acidic tone she leveled them with. He pushed her back up against a wall and she was fighting back with everything that remained her cache of survival weaponry. She was surviving the only way she knew how.

"I get it, Alexis. But just so you'll know... you are not on enough medication right now to prevent your body from doing what it feels it needs to in order to survive. So you just consider that while you're trying to face the world alone. As strong as you think you are at this moment, that is just how vulnerable you are as well. I will give you the time you have asked for then I'll send Johnny in. But I will be back, Alexis. Because as much as you want me out of your life right now... that's how much I want you back out on your own. And whether you want to hear it or not, I do care a great deal about you. Half an hour, Alexis! That's all."

Alexis furtively watched Kevin open the door and walk out. She listened intently until she heard him leave the suite. Bolting from the room, she went racing through the rest of the suite with one goal in mind.