The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 63

Leaving Sonny on the porch was one of the hardest things Alexis had ever done. But night was drawing near and they both made promises that needed to be kept. Opening the door to her suite and closing it gently behind her, she leaned against it and felt a loss that she hadn't felt in a long while. It was the loss of his presence. The last time she felt it this strong was the day he went back to Carly.

Hearing the door open and close, Johnny knew it had to be Alexis and went to check on her. Rounding the corner, he saw her leaning against the door with a sad expression on her face. Drawing to a standstill beside her, he lay his hand on her shoulder. As she looked up, his heart stilled at the anguish he saw in her eyes. Taking her in his arms he pulled her to him and held her. He stroked her back calmly as he felt her shudder.

"I take it you two finally confronted your feelings for each other?"

He didn't hear her answer, but he felt her nod. Turning slowly without losing contact he led her into the living room and sat down with her on the sofa. Taking her hands in his he gently prodded her.

"Talk to me, partner. Doesn't have to be about Sonny... just talk. Tell me what's going on with you."

Looking down at their clasped hands, Alexis tried to put away the image of Sonny that was still haunting her. He hadn't wanted to leave until she was safely back inside the building, so she stepped inside the door and walked just far enough away from the door to leave his sight. She waited a moment then went back to the door and watched him walk away through the window. He walked away as if his world had just come crashing down around him. Her heart broke for him, but there was nothing that could be done now. The die was cast and now it was only a matter of time.

"He's hurting so much, Johnny. I wish I could take it all away. I wish I could give him what he wants. But, I can't. I have to know. I need to know what happened."

"He understands that, Alexis. That's why he's doing this. He's doing it for you because he loves you."

"It's so... when did he... this isn't like him. Sonny's never done anything where there wasn't some angle in it for him. But, here he is taking this chance... for me... I don't... he's changing on me. I mean... Johnny, he says he loves me and he's doing this for me. There must be some truth... he honestly thinks I'm going to hate him once I know. How can I hate him? The man I have been with today is... I don't want... I can't lose him.”

The more she talked… questioned Sonny’s actions… the more agitated she became. She shifted uneasily beside Johnny then suddenly threw her hands up adamantly stopping his response.

“Let's... let's just... not talk about it right now. Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to make a quick call; then I want to tell you what has happened today. I'd like to know your view on a few things."

"Sure, here it is."

Johnny watched as she took his phone and began searching his directory. Not wanting to intrude he made an effort to stand and move away but stopped as he felt her hand pull him back down. She continued to peruse his directory until she found who she was looking for. Hearing the sound of his phone dialing, he knew she found the name she was looking for and glanced back at her face. She smiled at him and took hold of his hand. Waiting patiently he heard her begin to speak to the person on the other end of the line and was not surprised at all when he heard who Alexis called.

"Courtney, it's Alexis. I know I haven't spoken to you in a long time, but please know that I wouldn't be calling this late if it weren't important. Sonny needs you. He is on his way home right now. May I please ask you to be there when he gets home? He needs someone to talk to. I made him promise me he would talk to you. He needs his family... he needs you right now. Will you go? Please ..... Thank you, Courtney. I promise you won't regret it."

Disconnecting the call, Alexis turned to Johnny and handed his phone back to him.

"That's all I can do for him now. It won't be easy for him... but, I think it will help."

"You totally amaze me, Alexis. As much as you have on the line right now, you still think of everyone else first."

She shook her head as a look of sad resignation fell across her face.

"Not true. If I were thinking of everyone else I wouldn't be forcing Sonny to do something he doesn't really want to do tomorrow. If I were thinking of everyone else, I'd let this go and just be satisfied that I have most all of my memory back."

"You know you can't do that, Alexis. You know that to be complete... you have to know. You can't just sit back and let things happen... I know that now. This need you have to be in control of your life is too compelling for you. You're not able to just sit back and let life come at you... you meet it head on so that you can be somewhat prepared for what it brings. That's what you're doing now. I understand, Alexis and so does Sonny."

"If what he says is true... Johnny, he thinks I will turn my back on him tomorrow. If by some chance that I can't see right now... if that happens... Make sure he doesn't leave here alone. Since I know you won't leave my side, will you ask Joy to take care of him? Give her Courtney and Mike's number. Have her call Courtney first. Better yet, ask her to call anyway and have Courtney here waiting for him. Make sure he's not alone. You know him Johnny, he will try to retreat into that dark hole of his. If you think it's necessary make Kevin go with him. Please Johnny, will you promise me?"

"I'll take care of it, Alexis. I promise. You can trust me. Now what say we change the conversation a bit. Go on and tell me what you've been up to today. Sounds like it's been a rather full day for you."

"It has. It started with Kevin early this morning. He saw me out walking earlier than usual and cornered me. He certainly knows how to get to the heart of a matter."

Settling back into the cushion of the sofa, Johnny relaxed a bit and listened as Alexis began to tell him about her conversation with Kevin. He smiled slightly as Alexis absentmindedly reached out to take his hand in hers. He knew that all she was looking for was a simple connection. One friend to another and his heart warmed that she felt so comfortable with him that she was willing to allow herself that one comfort. Returning his attention to her he listened attentively.

"Kevin figured out my secret."

Johnny grinned wider and couldn't resist the temptation to tease her a bit.

"Great balls of fire, you have a SECRET? How in the world did he ever figure that one out?"

Alexis laughed and gently swatted at him with her right hand not willing to let go of the hold she had on his right hand.

"Okay, wise guy... that's your one for the day."

He watched as she quieted and became serious. He knew by the look on her face that she was about to tell him what that secret was and in that moment he felt honored that she would trust him with secrets that she had held onto for a lifetime. Understanding the faith that she was showing him caused his heart to still a moment and the quiet voice of his 'Nana Rose' came to him as he remembered one of the last conversations they shared together before she left him.

"My Little Johnny, there will come a time when you will be asked to live up to the truths that I have tried to instill in you while you were with me. Someone... someday... will need you to be honorable, trustworthy and compassionate. They will need you to be the man that I know you can be. Do not fail them. Listen to them with your heart, hear what they cannot say... look as far inside as you can... their life may depend on it. Put yourself in their shoes... walk the miles with them. If you can get deep enough to see what they see then you can help them heal... you can help them come out of the darkness into light. You are a special man, my boy. You have the heart to help heal those who hurt... don't ever lose that. You are the son I never had. I've loved you as if you were born of my body. You are ready to stand on your own... now go. Be happy... find the love of your life... and reach out to those who would be worthy to be called friend. You have been my comfort, my joy, my wealth... my son. You made my life richer and through you I will live on."

As he remembered her words, tears came into his eyes and he ducked his head to try and hide them from Alexis. She needed him and he wanted desperately not to fail her. This was the time that his 'Nana Rose' told him about. This was his time to help heal... and his heart found comfort that it was to be someone that he had grown to love and cherish as a friend. He grew still as he looked inward to that part of his heart that held the most precious gift he had ever been given... his 'Nana Rose'. He silently spoke to her, 'Help me Nana, help me not to fail her. She is a part of me. She is my one true friend. Please help me be what she needs me to be.'

Alexis felt Johnny grow unusually still beside her and she looked over at him and her own heart stilled at the pure love and adoration she found on his face. His eyes were closed and he wore a reverent smile. In an instant she knew who he was thinking of and she waited. She waited out of respect for a woman who knew what men and women should be to one another, respect for a woman who knew what it meant to love unconditionally, and above all respect for the woman who took in a small boy and raised him to be the man who sat beside her now. As a few more moments passed she saw his eyes open and the tears that pooled in the corners of his eyes gently found their way down to sooth a heart filled with love for his grandmother. As he looked over at her, she smiled and reached up to lift one tear from his face. Holding it up between them she spoke softly.

"This is what makes it all worthwhile. This is what I lost as a child. Johnny, this is what I want to give my own baby girl. But, I don't know if I have it within me to give her something I never had. All I can do is love her with all of my heart and hope that it will be enough."

Raising his hand to hers she placed the moistness of the tear in the palm of his hand and took his hand in hers. As she closed her hand around his she felt the moment her hand became wet with the tear he shed for a woman he had loved and honored with all of his heart.

"I grew up without love, without a mother's love... I lost so much more than my mother when she was murdered. I lost my way... my identity... and the only reason I survived it all was because I separated myself from it. I changed my name and made decisions that would take me as far away from that little girl as I could get."

"It didn't work, did it?"

"No, she followed me. That's what Kevin came at me with today. You know, I used to be able to hide what I was feeling. There was a time when I was strong, decisive... in control of my feelings and myself. But, since I woke up here... it's just not the same any more. Something in me has changed... I can feel it. Somewhere along the way, 'she' decided she wasn't content to stay hidden anymore. And I have to fight so much harder to keep her under some semblance of control."

Alexis saw Johnny frown slightly and assumed it was out of confusion.

"I'm sorry, I'm not making a lot of sense right now. Her name is 'Natasha'... "

"That was your name when you were a child, right?"

"Yes... but, it's so much more than just a name. She is the other side of me. She is the part of me that is full of anger, resentment and bitterness for a world that took from her the life she was supposed to have. She makes herself known when I get into trouble and cannot handle certain situations. It's kind of like two people in one."

Johnny nodded with agreement.

"I totally understand that. It's like me now and the person I was as Sonny's bodyguard. Two different kinds of people inside one skin."

Alexis was shocked that Johnny could relate so well to what she was saying. She shifted her position so she could look directly at him without turning her head.

"Exactly. Johnny, how do you deal with it so well?"

Johnny looked down at her hand that still lay in his and wondered how he was going to answer that particular question. He lowered his voice to answer her. It was something he always did unconsciously when he wanted to hide his words from that part of his heart that his Nana resided in.

"Actually, I think it's a little different for men. We have this way of rationalizing what we do because it's the end result we are focused on. For me, my job was to protect. I did what I was supposed to do. End of story."

Smiling compassionately, Alexis shook her head from side to side.

"Uhmm... no, I don't think I'm going to let you get away with that. You are not that callous. You can't turn off that little voice inside your heart that easily. Come on... you can do better than that. Tell me, Johnny. Tell me the truth. How did you do it?"

She knew... he wouldn't be able to hide it from her so he told her the truth.

"It wasn't me who stood outside that door day in and day out. It was somebody else. In my head I invented this other person. And when time came for my shift, I just put him on like you would a glove or something. I knew what I was doing wouldn't sit too well with Nana. She never knew what I did for Sonny. At the end of the day when I went home just before I opened my door I took him off. It really wasn't such a hard decision to make. I mean coming here to be with you. It was an enormous relief. I could finally put away that guy and just be me."

"Ahhh. Now I know."

"Know what?"

"I was having a little trouble reconciling the man I woke up to with the man who stood outside my door on any number of occasions. Now, I know. You were hiding... just like me... well not just like me, but close."

"What a pair, huh?"

"Thank you for telling me. It helps knowing I'm not alone."

"You know, you've done quite a lot for me, Alexis. And you didn't even know it."

"I think you're going to have to explain that one. I'm the one in the looney bin remember."

"Because of you, I can hear the voice of my Nana clearer now. Before I came here to be with you I had to keep shutting down so I couldn't hear her because I knew she wouldn't approve of my choices. I knew she would be disappointed in me and I couldn't face that. But, when I left Sonny, I didn't have to anymore. I've begun remembering more of our conversations. Things that I had forgotten are coming back to me. I owe that to you... because you cared enough to pay attention to me all the times you did when I was standing out in that hall."

"I think I could fall in love with you Johnny O'Brien if I wasn't already tied to someone else. By the way, where is Joy? She should be here with you."

"Joy went home to pack a bag. I kind of took her by surprise last night. She'll be back in the morning."

"Johnny, no. She should be here with you tonight. Call her and tell her to come back. You need to be with your wife."

"Alexis, we already talked about it. I'm doing what she told me to do. I'm taking care of my friend tonight and tomorrow. She will be here all day tomorrow if I need her."

"It's not right, Johnny. A man should be with his wife."

"Alexis, a man needs to know he is loved and cared for. I have that. Joy loves me and she cares about me and she cares about what I think is important. She also knows that right now I need to help a friend and so does she. She loves you just as much as I do. Now let it go. Everyone is where they are supposed to be right now. You took care of Sonny a few minutes ago by calling Courtney and now I'm taking care of you. The time will come when you and he will take care of each other and Joy and I will be on our own doing the same for each other... as it should be. I believe that."

"You really do, don't you?"

"Yes. You two are supposed to be together. He has the love to give you inside him. He just doesn't know how to show it. He's never been with someone he wanted to give his whole heart to before. He doesn't know how. You can teach him... give him what he needs from you. You already know how... you've already done it. You gave him your love... unconditionally. That is what he needed."

"He told me that no matter what happens tomorrow... he told me to remember him. Will I be able to, Johnny? I am so frightened about what he is going to tell me. He thinks I'll walk away from him for good. That scares me."

"The one thing that I will say tonight and that I will repeat tomorrow after you know... just remember, nothing is always as it seems."

"I don't want to lose him, Johnny. I... can't. Not again."

"Then you won't. Tomorrow is going to be hard... incredibly hard but, if that is what is truly in your heart, then you will find a way to get past it all. And he will be there waiting for you."

"What if 'she' shows up?"

"Personally, I hope she does. You need to take hold of her and make her a functioning part of yourself. You need to recognize that you need her as much as she needs you. Stop thinking of her as 'she'. You are Natasha and Natasha is Alexis. Once you accept that then you will be better equipped to handle the life you were dealt."

"You sound like Kevin. He said almost the same thing."

"Then it sounds to me like we're dealing with common sense here seeing as how I didn't go to college."

"I'm not sure how to go about it. I've been trying to keep her under lock and key for as long as I can remember."

"So I take it she kind of escapes when anger or fear is in the house."

"Yes. She just pops right out there and says just exactly what's on her mind and damn the consequences. She doesn't care who she hurts in the process."

"That's not exactly true though, is it? You care if people get hurt. So if you were to consciously incorporate the two of you then it stands to reason that the anger would be tempered by the care you have of others. I mean, as it stands right now you see her as separate so it would make sense that you would think you could lose control of her. Do you see how irrational that is? Both women in one body... two different personas that should be one. You, the weaker of the two made stronger... wiser simply by way of spending a lifetime trying to control the stronger one. Wrap your arms around her, Alexis. Love her. She has lived in darkness far too long. She needs you to love her... she needs you to accept her. No matter what happens tomorrow... you will never be whole until you accept that part of yourself that you left alone so many years ago. You are Natasha and you are loved. You are the best friend I've ever had the good fortune to be blessed with. I love you, Sonny loves you, your mother loved you... you know love, Alexis. Now open yourself to it... love yourself. You are worth more than you could ever imagine yourself to be. You deserve to be loved, the child you were deserved to be loved. Don't face tomorrow without her, and don't ask her to face yet another crisis alone. Open your heart to her, Alexis. She needs you. You need each other."

He watched as the tears came. He pulled her into his arms and let her cry. Her body rocked with the heaving sobs that tore from her ravaged bruised heart.

Every word he said she took into her heart and they reverberated within its walls. For the first time since the day she changed her name she looked into her heart and willingly faced the locked door that always kept her paralyzed with fear. Reaching slowly forward she unlocked the door and opened it. Fear ran rampant through her as she faced the child that stood before her. Welcoming Johnny's arms that held her close she finally looked into the eyes of the child she had feared and run from for so long. She finally allowed herself to look deep into the eyes of a child who had been lost, abandoned, mistreated and hated. The child's face was contorted with anger and bitterness. But, taking a moment longer she looked closer and her heart broke at the pain and loneliness that lay behind the mask the child wore. The anger and bitterness were just vices that were used to hide the true heart of the child. As Alexis sobbed into Johnny's shoulder, in her heart she gently placed her arms around the child she had been. Rocking the child back and forth, she soothingly stroked the head that lay against her breast as Sonny had done for her earlier... Alexis felt her heart open and join with the child's to become one again. The long awaited healing process began. It would take time for the anger and bitterness to heal, but time was kind. It gave itself to the needs of those who needed it most.

The two friends sat together for hours that night as time gave up its schedule. Johnny held her close until he felt her breathing even out in sleep. He moved slowly and gently to position himself so he could hold her more comfortably then leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Just before he drifted off, he saw a vision of his Nana Rose smiling down proudly at him and he smiled back. He did what was asked of him. He could rest now.