The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 61

Arriving back at her suite, Alexis invited Sonny to stay with her the rest of the afternoon. At his acceptance she led him into the living room and they sat down together on the sofa. Reaching for his hand, Alexis glanced at him and saw that there was something on his mind and he was having a hard time with it.

"What is it, Sonny? Tell me!"

"I… I need to do this for you, but I know what it's going to cost me. It's just not right… I mean normal for me to do something that I know will cost me something that means this much to me. This… this is my life too we're talking about. I want the chance to learn how to love you the way you deserve to be loved and I'm trying my best to keep looking at this from your point of view, but… but it's hard. If this were business, it wouldn’t be a problem. I could look at it more objectively. But, this… this is you we're talking about."

Alexis was afraid for him and her concern for what he was doing to himself was mounting with every word that came from him.

"Don't you think you're being just a bit too hard on yourself. How do you know how I'm going to react?"

"I just know. Look, are you sure you want to force this? I mean I told Kevin a few days ago that I was thinking about doing this for you before you even asked, but then I was looking at it from my side. It's different now. I don't know how he did it, but Kevin's been helping me see things different lately."

"For myself, I want to know. But, I don't want to lose what may be happening between us. You told me that you know how I feel about you, but I don't know if I have actually said the words to you. I… I don’t remember if I ever said them to you. I've always been somewhat afraid of those words. Afraid of what will happen... who will be taken from me next because I dared to love."

Sonny tightened his hold on her hands and pulled them closer to him.

"Alexis, It is for that reason that I think I have to take this chance… you know, to... to prove to you that you can be loved... that you more than anyone else I have ever known deserve to be loved. I want the privilege... the honor. I... I don't like admitting... I mean... damn... I mean just once I'd like to be the one that the girls gather around the water fountain to talk about... you know... like they do about 'him'. Is it wrong to want to be respected that way? I want to be the kind of man who knows how to treat the woman he loves. I want to love you like... well... like Johnny does... I mean for Joy. That makes me pretty selfish, doesn't it?"

Alexis smiled and reached up to lay her palm against his cheek. He wanted so much to be what she needed him to be. His eyes were filled with love and sincerity. She felt every word he was saying deep in her heart.

"No, it doesn't make you selfish. But, I've never heard you talk like this before, Sonny. I am beginning to think maybe it's not such a good idea to force the memories."

He pulled her hand from his cheek and kissed her palm before holding it close to his chest. His eyes grew darker with the pain of knowing he would soon lose her again.

"Whether you remember now or at some later date, the result will still be the same. If I give it to you now, at least you will be able to leave here sooner. It's all I can give you now in order to get you home and back to your life. So you make the decision. Do you want to know now or do you want to wait for it to come on its own?"

"I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I have a healthy fear of what it is. I live with that fear every day. It keeps me right on the edge, constantly waiting. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff where the slightest breeze could send me into an abyss of blackness. That is my biggest fear. I honestly think I could handle it if I knew it wouldn't send me back into that place."

He sat back and pulled her with him.

"Kevin would be able to answer that question, but I don't think that will happen."

"How do you know?"

"First, because I won't do anything unless Johnny and Kevin are right here with you and second, Johnny won't let you go back there. He knows he'll have me to deal with if he lets you slip away from me again. Besides I don't think it would have happened in the first place if you hadn't been left alone the day it happened."

Alexis stood releasing her hold on Sonny and walked to the window. There was so much to consider in making the decision. If Sonny was right then the memory would tear her away from him. If he was wrong, the pain would be just as real, but he would be there to help her through it. But what if the memory was so devastating that she slipped away again. She jumped slightly as Sonny's arms stole around her from behind. Needing his strength she relaxed against him and folded her arms over his.

"I don't want to lose you again, Sonny. It hurt too much the first time. I don't ever want to hurt like that again."

"I don't want to lose you either, Alexis. But, I have things that I have to answer for and it's time. Things happened that I didn't expect to happen, but they did and now I have to pay for them. It's time I stood up and took responsibility for my actions for the choices I made that allowed certain things to happen. I love you too much to continue the way I have been. You are going to be hurt by the memories. In fact, you need to prepare yourself in any way you can because what is coming will cause you more pain than you can imagine right now."

"Sonny, you're scaring me."

"I know, and I'm sorry. But, you have to be prepared for the worst."

Turning in his arms to face him, Alexis lay her head on his shoulder and put her arms around him.

Sonny could feel her trembling in his arms and his heart felt the ache of sorrow. He wanted so much to be able to shield her from what was coming, but he knew he couldn't. All he could do was give her the memories and hope their love was strong enough to withstand the fallout. Sonny would stay as long as he could... as long as she allowed him to before shutting him out of her life as he expected her to do. Leaning back just enough to catch her eyes, he let himself sink into their depths for a moment before he gently leaned down to kiss her. He needed to kiss her just once before he made the call to Kevin. As he felt her respond to him, he closed his arms around her tighter and held on as if his life depended on her... knowing in that moment that it did.

Savoring the moment a bit longer, he finally released her and gazed into eyes that very clearly spoke of her love for him.

"Let me call Kevin. I figure Johnny should be back in a couple of hours. We'll just sit here and wait until they get here."

Alexis could see how much this was hurting Sonny. He was absolutely convinced that she would walk away from him once all of her memory was intact. Rather than try to convince him otherwise, she let him make the call to Kevin then she took him by the hand and led him back to the sofa and sat down with him. Taking hold of his arm she wrapped it around her shoulders and leaned closer to him laying her head on his shoulder.

"Can we just forget all this stuff until the guys get here? I just want to sit here with you. You have no idea how many times I dreamed of being with you quietly like this. Did you know... well, I know you don't know because I didn't tell you. But, do you remember the first night you slept on my couch?"

"Wasn't that the night you had some kind of dream... you woke up and I was standing by your bed."

"Yeah, that's the night. And by the way, what were you doing in my bedroom?"

"I heard something. I was just checking on you. I remember you looked pretty flushed."

Remembering the dream Alexis blushed profusely and tried to hide it.

Sonny saw her reaction and grinned.

"Yeah, just like that. Must have been one heck of a dream."

"It was."

"Come on, give. What was it about?"

Shifting nervously, Alexis regretted bringing it up.

"No, I've changed my mind. I think I'll plead the fifth."

Sonny wasn't about to let her get away with hiding it so he turned the table on her.

"That's ok, I already know what it was about. I mean it's not every day I get woke up in the middle of the night by a beautiful woman calling my name out in her sleep."

"SONNY!"

Sonny ducked as Alexis jumped away from him slapping at his arm.

"I DIDN'T AND YOU KNOW IT."

Enjoying the game Sonny added a little more spice to the action.

"Why else would I be in a beautiful woman's bedroom... when all I was supposed to be doing was protecting her. I'm telling you... you called me."

"You're a raving lunatic. There is no way. I do not talk in my sleep. You're making it up."

He was laughing so hard he fell backward pulling her with him so that she landed on top of him. By that time they were both laughing uncontrollably.

Calming down somewhat, Alexis looked into Sonny's eyes and realized how much she had missed his laughter.

"Oh, Sonny. Why must it be so hard?"

Straightening up he pulled her back into his arms and held her close.

"Because for us, for you and me, it was the hand we were dealt. We’ve survived a hell of a lot in our life. But, it’s made us strong. You said it first, remember? We're survivors. And somehow, some way we'll survive this too. I want you to remember something for me though, Alexis. When you have it all and you've had a chance to process it and accept it... please remember me. Remember this moment... remember that I love you and that I am asking you to forgive me for all that I put you through. That's all that I will ask of you... know that if I could take it all back I would. I would give my life to have it all undun. Just... remember me... please "

She leaned closer and kissed him chastely on the cheek.

"I promise... I will remember."

The two of them sat on the sofa together holding each other and waited for the time to come when they would be torn apart by the memory of past events. He knew it was inevitable and could only pray that she would forgive him for his mistakes. For Alexis, she sat there trying to remember a past that threatened not only her sanity, but the love of a man she needed and desperately wanted in her life.

As the sun began its descent, the two lovers who still sat together waiting patiently, jumped slightly as the knock they dreaded finally came. Sonny looked into Alexis eyes once more and whispered, "Just remember... "

At her small frightened smile he kissed her cheek quickly then went to let Kevin in.

As the two men came back, Alexis rose and quietly greeted Kevin.

"Hi, Kevin. Thank you for coming by. I'll let Sonny explain why we called you."

Motioning Kevin to the chair by the sofa, Sonny reclaimed his seat by Alexis. Taking her hand in his he squeezed it reassuringly and gave his attention to Kevin.

"I know I’ve mentioned this to you earlier, but I shelved the idea thinking it was probably not such a good one. However, Alexis and I have been talking and she wants to go ahead with it. The idea being that I give her what she needs in order to regain the rest of her memory. It is her choice... I have not pressured her into it in any way. I understand that this will probably cost me my relationship with her, but it’s the only thing I can give her now that will assure her of being able to leave here and get back to her life. We talked about it quite a bit today and since you know the medical side of it we agreed to talk to you first."

Kevin sat there a moment to let everything Sonny said sink in. He studied them both carefully to get a sense of where they were emotionally before he addressed the problem. He knew what this could cost Sonny and he had a good idea of how Sonny would react if Alexis chose not to see him again once it was all out in the open and it concerned him. But, he figured he could deal with Sonny, what concerned him most was Alexis. If she chose to walk away from Sonny, it would be another monumental loss for her and he didn't know if she was strong enough to handle the devastation of it again. What he did know for certain was that nothing would happen until Johnny returned.

"Ok. Let's start with you, Sonny. Why now?"

"Because it's what Alexis wants."

"And you didn't encourage this in any way? Oh hell, never mind. I know the answer to that question. Alexis, what about you? Why now?"

"Because it's time. I want my life back. I don't want to spend my life shut up in here if I know there is any chance of getting out. I need this over with so I can get on with my life."

"And if the memory costs you your relationship with Sonny?"

"He and I have discussed that possibility. I would rather keep that conversation between the two of us."

"Are you sure this is what you want? I have to tell you, I don't think it's a good idea. I didn't think it was when Sonny first approached me with it. It's too risky. You're not ready yet."

"The risk is mine to take, Kevin. And besides, I'll have both Johnny and Sonny with me... and you if I can convince you to stick around. With all that support, it seems to me the risk is considerably less."

"What risk?"

Everyone turned as Johnny entered the room with Joy close behind.

Speaking for the group, Kevin briefly filled Johnny in on what was going on.

"Sonny wants to enlighten Alexis regarding what remains of her memory loss and Alexis has agreed to it."

"NO."

All eyes turned in shock at Johnny's adamant response.