The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 57

"I know it's a little late, Joy. But tonight I want it to be just you and me. We can do it again any way you like later if you want. But, I want to marry you tonight, Joy. Come see."

Johnny led Joy into the banquet hall of the Port Charles hotel.

Joy gasped at the sight that met her eyes. In the center of the room was a round platform surrounded by a circle of white roses, lilies and purple iris's'. At her feet began a red carpet that led to the platform where a minister stood waiting with her father and his new bride. Joy turned to look into the eyes of the man who had completely stolen her bruised heart, healed it and given it back to her. With tears in her eyes she took Johnny's hand in hers.

"Yes, Johnny. You've given me all that I could ever have hoped for. This is all that I need. Just you and me, together alone. I don't want any more than this and I don't want to share it with anyone else. Nothing has ever felt more right. I love you beyond all that I have ever known or felt before in my life. I'm ready for our life to begin together."

Johnny took her hands into his and felt his heart swell with love for her.

"My life is complete with you. Come take a walk with me and together we will face each day and make it our own. Come walk with me, be with me always, take my heart and hold it within the safety of yours. I will give you all the good things that are possible to give. My love for you will grow each day we spend together. Come, my Joy, take a walk with me."

Taking her right hand in his he lay it in the crook of his arm and led her to the center of the room, to begin a new life together.

________________________

The next morning Kevin sat at his desk finishing up a few caseload transcriptions. Leaning back in his chair he stretched and groaned at the ache in his muscles. He hated dictating charts. And since he had been so busy lately the stack of patient charts escalated to such a degree that he was no longer left with any other choice but to tackle a major portion of the dreaded dictation before he left for his daily rounds at General Hospital. Putting aside his portable dictaphone he stood and crossed to the hat rack to retrieve his lab coat.

Glancing briefly out the window to check on the weather he was surprised to find Alexis out walking. It was entirely out of character for her to be out so early as breakfast had only been served just moments before. He did as asked by both Johnny and Sonny and checked on her the previous evening before going home. What he found gravely concerned him. The nurse he recruited to stay with her in Johnny and Joy's absence had upon the request of Alexis invited a couple of other nurses to come by to watch a movie with her. Asking the nurse to announce that he needed to speak to her briefly he knew immediately upon seeing her come to the door that she once again was able to successfully retreat back into her 'safe' mode. She effectively shut down all her emotions... there were no visible signs at all of a personal nature. He explained to her that Johnny requested he look in to see if she needed anything before he went home. Figuring it wouldn't be a wise idea, he left out of the explanation any mention of Sonny. He sighed sadly at her response.

"I'm fine. I'm just going to enjoy an evening with the girls. No men allowed. So I'll say goodnight and thank you kindly for checking up on me. If I need anything, I'm sure the girls will be most happy to assist me. Have a nice evening, Kevin and I'll see you tomorrow."

With that she shut the door firmly without further comment.

Making a quick decision, he opened his office door and stuck his head out to call to his secretary.

"Jeanne, call the hospital and tell them I won't be making rounds this morning. I'll go in later this afternoon."

"I'll make the call right now, Dr. Collins. What about the conference call with the London clinic scheduled for this afternoon?"

"Call and see if we can reschedule it for 1:00 and rearrange this afternoon's appointments accordingly. If you have to postpone a couple until tomorrow, that's fine. You know the one's that are safe right now. Reassign them if need be. And here, take my pager and my cellphone. Handle whatever comes in. I don't want to be disturbed at all for the next few hours."

"That's fine. What do you wish me to do if an emergency comes up?"

"Jeanne, I can only handle one emergency at a time and I've got one outside right now that takes precedence over everything else right now. Refer all emergencies to the resident physician who is on call at GH today. You're in charge of the office until I return."

Heading outside to catch up with Alexis, Kevin halted just outside of her eyesight to try and assess her frame of mind without alerting her to his presence yet. She appeared to be despondent and a great deal withdrawn. Approaching her with care he called softly to her so as not to frighten her.

"Oh, Hi, Kevin."

"Good morning, Alexis. How are you doing today?"

Kevin immediately saw all of her normal modes of protection and defense fall into place and gently laid a hand on her arm.

"I need to talk to you about something, Alexis. And I would rather do it out here where you don't feel confined or at risk."

Looking into Kevin's eyes Alexis could tell he was quite concerned about her and wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer this time.

"I guess I don't have much choice in the matter, do I?"

"Not this time, my friend I'm sorry to say. You're in trouble and you are not aware of it, so it falls to me to open your eyes a bit. I don't want you to think that I'm deliberately choosing to do this now because Johnny is not around. It's not like that. I kind of figured out what was going on last night when I checked on you, but it wasn't the appropriate time and I respect the request you made of me to stay away from your suite. It was a good decision on your part."

"So what is it that has you so worried, Kevin? I'm fine. Everything is as it should be. I'm fine, he's fine, my child is fine... all is right with the world except for the one little thing that is missing... the rest of my memory. And once I get that back, then I'll say goodbye and you can have your room and your peace of mind back. See... no problems."

"We have a very real problem, Alexis. Let's sit down."

Kevin noticed Alexis hesitate and look around before she joined him on the bench.

"Don't worry, Alexis. He's not going to be around this morning. He has a very difficult day ahead of him in town."

"Is he... ok?"

"Well, I think he's on his way to being ok. What he needs to do today is going to take all of the strength and courage he has in him. And if he's willing to walk this road for not only himself but for you as well, then I think it's about time you started a little healing of your own."

"For me?"

"Yes, and for his daughter and his son."

"Kevin, he's been hurt enough. Don't hurt him anymore."

Looking off across the lawn, Alexis felt her heart ache for Sonny and wrapped her arms around herself in comfort.

"There's no reason to get upset here. He'll be fine. He's going to try to go see Mike today, Alexis. It's the first step he has to take in forgiving Mike for the past."

With a voice full of emotion, Alexis glanced back at Kevin in awe.

"You must be some kind of miracle worker. How did you manage that?"

"I didn't. You did."

"I haven't talked to him about Mike in months. How could this have anything to do with me?"

"Sonny is learning that his way of handling things has been destructive not only to himself, but to you as well. He wants you in his life, but he knows he has hurt you. In order to achieve his basic goal, he knows that he has issues he has to deal with and he's dealing with them... because he wants to, not because he is being forced to. I'm pleased to see that he is beginning to understand that he's not the lost cause he began to think he was. He's beginning to see that if a woman like you could find something in him worth caring for, faults and all, then there must be something in him worth loving and that's what he's trying to find and build on."

Alexis sat unmoving, afraid that Kevin would see what she was feeling. Sonny. His face appeared before her. His beautiful smile, his teasing laughter. Closing her eyes and focusing hard, she tried to put him away again into that place inside her heart where her dreams lived. Only this time it didn't work. What she felt for Sonny was so raw and base that she could no longer hide from it.

"I can't do this anymore, Kevin. I have to go."

Standing up to leave she heard his voice quiet, concerned and pleading.

"Alexis, please don't walk away. I'm afraid if you do I'll lose you again. I need you to understand that you are right now on the verge of being in the same frame of mind you were when you slipped away. Please let me help you."

She turned to face him without raising her eyes to meet his. Her emotions too close to the surface to hide from anyone who held a modicum of concern for her.

"I don't see how you can. This is something I have to resolve on my own."

"Please sit back down with me. If you're worried about my asking you how you feel about Sonny, then you can rest easy. I'm not interested in how you feel about Sonny right now. I'm concerned with you and how we can keep you from leaving us again."

Alexis felt her fear rising.

"And you think that's still a possibility given how long I've been awake now?"

"It's a very real possibility if we can't find a better way for you to cope with life on a daily basis. Think about it, if you're having this much difficulty dealing with what you have remembered, how much more anxiety will there be once you regain the rest of your memory. You're a smart woman, Alexis. You know that what is remaining must have been so much more traumatic for you since it didn't come back with the rest of your memory. I want to work with you, Alexis... not against you. What do you say, want to give us a chance to work together one more time?"

The fear that she could slip away again never left her thoughts for a minute since the day she awakened. But, rather than concern anyone else with her fear she kept it to herself just as she had always kept her fears hidden away... at least until... Fear was something you hid from the world in order to stay strong. For the first few days after she awakened, Johnny saw her fears... They were so strong and so profound she wasn't able to hide them. But, as each day passed the old familiar way of dealing with the day to day struggles began to take over again. If someone gets too close... build a wall. If you get pushed too far... build a wall. If fear takes hold... stand up defiantly against it. However, the truth of the matter was it was lonely standing behind all those walls. Alexis studied Kevin intently for a few moments then sat back down next to him.

"So how do you propose we go about this... working together?"

Breathing a sigh of relief, Kevin leaned back and hoped the door he was about to open would lead to a much needed emotional release for Alexis.

"Everything I have heard about you has been from outsiders. I want to hear your side of the story. I want to meet the little girl who lived on that island so many years ago. And I expect that's the last thing you want to talk about, but it's important Alexis. So please, tell me who the little girl is that you fight daily to protect."

Recoiling against the memories that assaulted her at Kevin's words, Alexis began a desperate rush to try and keep all the little compartments she unconsciously created over the years in her mind closed. It was a reflex action brought about by a potential threat against her.

"That little girl no longer exists. Leave her alone, Kevin. She's done her time."

"That's an interesting way for you to describe her. But, you're smart enough to know that we have to begin with her. That little girl is still a very real part of you."

"A little girl lost her intended life one day. She dealt with it. Leave her alone."

"Alexis, do you realize that you're speaking of yourself in the third person. It wasn't just a 'little girl', it was you. You lost your intended life one day. Someone took it away from you without your permission and left behind a lifetime of pain, heartache, loss... and hate."

"It's easier to face her if I separate myself from her. Her name was Natasha and I'll admit that little girl is still a very real part of me. No matter how hard I try to escape her, she will always be a part of me... so I've learned to adapt."

"Tell me about her. Who was she and how did she survive to become the woman in front of me now?"

"She survived because in the beginning she was loved. My mother loved me. She spent time with me. I don't really remember a lot about her, but her loving me is what I hold on to. When Helena took her from me, the trauma of what I saw took the memory of my mother away from me for years. So, for a long time the only memories I was left with were those of living on the Cassadine island. My days were spent mostly looking for walls to melt into... trying to disappear in a room full of people... praying to remain unnoticed. No matter what I did, nothing was ever good enough for Helena. She despised me... treated me like an orphan. I didn't understand why she hated me so much. I tried to be good, to do what I was supposed to, when I was supposed to. But, it didn't matter. Nothing I did mattered."

"But, look at you now. What you do now matters a great deal, Alexis. You are a defender of people."

"I chose to become an attorney so I could help those who couldn't help themselves... just as that little girl couldn't. I can be aggressive in a courtroom because no matter who I'm defending... I still see that little girl who cowered in corners, afraid to move lest she be discovered. I fight for the rights of those I counsel... and in my own way I'm fighting for the rights that were taken away from that little girl so many years ago.

Kevin watched with concern as Alexis remembered a past full of heartache, pain and abuse. His heart went out to her as her tone of voice changed to that of one relating the events of a stranger. Her voice was void of any familiarity or feeling for a little girl lost inside a world of cruelty and hatred. He kept silent as she continued.

"It does something to you inside when you are consistently told that you're worthless, ugly, of no use to anyone. After a while you begin to believe it. You begin seeking shadows to hide in. You walk miles out of your way just to stay hidden from eyes forever searching for a verbal whipping post. You start putting in place defense mechanisms so that it doesn't hurt so much when the inevitable slurs and degrading remarks are thrown at you. And if there should be any hint of care shown by anyone, or the rarely offered treat, you weigh the pros and cons of accepting the offering knowing that more often than not it would be accompanied by some type of pain. But, you took the chance of accepting it because every once in a while the treat was given without harm. And the sweetness of it, the pleasure of it was so delightful, that in the end the ultimate battle came down to either accepting the treat and satisfy the craving or accept the treat and suffer the consequences. To this day I still, to a certain degree, question the reasons behind gifts or kind words. You learn not to expect anything, so there is no reason to hope and wishes become dreams that help pass the time."