The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 56

"Okay. You have my attention now. What can I do for you, Sonny?"

Looking around the room, Sonny felt confined standing in the middle of Kevin's office.

"Can we take a walk or maybe go to the cafeteria?"

"Sure thing, Sonny. Why don't we just take a walk? I wouldn't want to run into anyone we know until I know more about what you're needing from me this afternoon."

A few moments later, the two men were enjoying the fresh air and a cool breeze that settled in to lazily play among the leaves of the trees.

Sonny inhaled deeply and let it go slowly.

"Johnny got me to thinking about something. He told me to try and think about what it would be like if I treated the people I care about the way I treat my business and vice versa. What do you think about that?"

"I find it quite an interesting thought. Did you give it a try?"

"Yeah, I did."

"And?"

"I think Johnny's just a bit too big for his pants. How did he get so smart anyway?"

"From what I gather, he had a pretty terrific grandmother who made it her business to instill in him the value of honor, respect and the importance of reverencing women. He makes most of us guys look pretty sad given what the grapevine around here is spreading around. Don't get me wrong. From what I hear he's got a very healthy view of how to treat the women he comes in contact with. I can't even get a cup of coffee around here without being subjected to the magnificent wonders of the great Johnny. To be perfectly honest with you the guy's beginning to get on my nerves."

"So it's a bunch of nonsense."

"Hell no. I'm not saying that at all. But the rest of us suffer because of men like him. It takes the love of a mother or in his case a grandmother totally dedicated to teaching the art of loving and taking care of women to build a man like that."

"So what happens to the guys who didn't have... "

Kevin looked over at Sonny who wore a dead expression on his face. He finally realized what Sonny wanted from him. Sonny was looking for answers in how to tell a woman he loved her without actually saying it. More than likely because he was so inept at expressing himself verbally and because he didn't place any trust in the spoken word. Putting himself on the same plane with Sonny, Kevin answered as best he could.

"We start from scratch. It becomes trial by error for us. If we were smart we'd lay down the pride that we hang onto with such a death grip and tell them we need their help. I have to tell you, though. I was never able to do it. So I fumbled around in the dark until I hit on something that worked and went with it. Given your situation though, I'm not entirely sure you have that kind of time to work with."

"I don't. I'm running out of time just as fast as she's running away from me. I don't want to lose her. But, I just don't know what she wants from me."

"I think you do, Sonny. You just don't want to give it up."

"What? My business?"

"No, Sonny. This has nothing to do with your business. This has to do with you as a man and what she needs from you. Ever since you walked onto these premises you've been going at this whole problem from your point of view. Have you once considered trying to look at it from her point of view? Of how she's seeing things? Hang on a minute, let's go at this from a different angle. Think a minute. Let's work this out from your standpoint first, then we'll try to look at it from her standpoint? Tell me what your basic goal in life is?"

"One goal? Kevin, I have several goals?"

"That's good, but it remains that everyone has one major goal in life. Sometimes it's subconscious and sometimes its not. But it is what drives us to make the choices we make. There are other goals that we make over the years, but more often than not they are an extension of the one basic goal that is most important to us. The one goal that when attained will set us free from some type of bondage that keeps us chained to whatever fear it is that plagues us. Whether it is a fear of being poor, of being unsuccessful, unloved, alone... whatever it is that weighs us down so much that we bend under the weight of it. What is it that you are most afraid of, Sonny?"

Silence met his question, and Kevin looked over at Sonny. He could tell that Sonny already knew the answer to the question, but didn't want to put voice to it.

"Sonny, you and I already know the answer. The only way we are going to deal with it and get past it is for you to acknowledge it... face it and admit its power over you."

"Being alone, too far gone to be able to be... "

Sonny stopped. The war within him was threatening to take over. Changing courses, he left the sidewalk and started off across the lawn.

Shaking his head, full of concern for the man who fought daily to keep the fears from overtaking him, Kevin took off after Sonny and caught up with him.

"Would it help if I said it, Sonny?"

Hearing the silence he expected, Kevin said the words for him.

"You're afraid that you've let so much come between you that Alexis will never love you again... that you will in fact spend the rest of your life alone in some way if Alexis doesn't return what you feel for her."

The pain that came over Sonny's face caused Kevin to soften his words.

"Sonny, she's not the type to turn love on and off because of circumstance. If you have any doubt of that then let's take a look at what causes her to remain chained to her own fears. You've told me a lot about what happened with her before she came to Port Charles. First, she grew up without a mother's love. That's pretty devastating to a child as you should already know. She grew up without a father's love. You had your own problems there as well, but you did have a father for a while. She didn't. From what I get from her brother Stephan, about the only love Alexis could depend on was from him and if I'm reading it right, manipulative ties bound even that love. So naturally, Alexis is not going to give herself up to love easily. But, when she does it's going to mean much more to her than it would to most people. Now I seem to recall she was involved in a relationship with Ned Ashton for awhile. Do you know anything about it?"

"Yeah, she talked to me about several times. Ashton was always trying to force his ideas on her... make her see things his way. He didn't respect her as an individual. But, she held on. She was always afraid of disappearing... losing who she was to him."

"So, why do you think she hung on so long?"

"Because whatever faults he had, I believe he did love her. He just didn't know how to treat her. It was all about him trying to control her."

"So, once again love has not lived up to its reputation for her. Is it any wonder that she runs from it as hard as she does? Something happened between you and Alexis that caused her to lose her heart to you. It makes all the sense in the world to me that she makes every effort to hide it not only from herself, but also from everyone else. Love has always hurt Alexis in some way or another. Let's say we now add in the fact that there was one person who came into her life that loved her unconditionally. Her sister. One person has now come into her life that fights for her against all odds. This is something new to Alexis. She grabs onto it with both hands and holds it close to her heart. Then something happens and all of a sudden that love is gone too."

"Because of me."

"She is unaware of your part in that at this point. But, subconsciously without actually being aware of it she's retreating from the possibility of love because once again, in her mind, she has been proven to be unworthy of being loved. Sound familiar?"

"But, Kevin she deserves to be loved more than anyone else I've ever known. How do we get her to realize that?"

"I think that's going to depend in large part on you at this point. I would like to talk to her some more, but I hesitate to push her because as much as she thinks she's in control right now, she's not. She is at her most vulnerable because not only is she battling her feelings for you, she's thinking of the child. As much as that child means to you, Sonny... I don't think you really know what that child means to her."

"I know the child means as much to her as it means to me."

"No. Sonny, that child means more to her than anything right now more than her mother, her father, her sister or you. Because that child represents the one thing she has always craved and has never received. One person who loves her unconditionally and that she can love openly and without fear... someone who is solely dependent on her and can't hurt her. That child to her is freedom. She is now free to give love without fear of reprisal and know that her love will be returned and will never be questioned or frowned upon. And to have a child born of the love she feels for you only adds to the joy of loving this child. This child also secures her memories of her own mother. The fear of losing the memory of her mother is now gone because she will be reminded of her mother every time she looks at her daughter. She only has to look at her daughter and she will again feel the love of her mother because it is the same love she has for her daughter. Her love of this child is the purest she's ever known. I have no doubt that you love this child, Sonny. But, I also think you want the chance to prove that you can love a child of your own without abusing that child. You want the chance to prove that you're not like Mike."

Sonny felt his anger begin to rise.

"You're making it sound like I would use my child just to make a point. I've already decked Johnny today for making a statement of that kind. I don't have a problem doing it again."

"Well at least you warned me first. All I'll ask is that you think about it. You jumped pretty hot and heavy on that statement which leads me to automatically assume that there is just enough truth in it to frighten you."

The two men walked on in silence a few moments. Kevin knew that Sonny even though he was fighting his anger, he was also giving quite a bit of thought to the idea he presented regarding his child. A few moments later Sonny finally responded.

"That doesn't say a whole lot about me as a man."

"Actually I think it says quite a lot. It tells me that you want the chance to love a child the way a child should be loved. There's nothing wrong with that. The problem we have here is the way you're going about it. However, in acknowledging that part of the reason for having a child of your own is to prove you can love a child healthily... then you give yourself the chance of healing the hurt that caused the problem. And it can be healed if you will allow it to be."

"How?"

"Sonny, we've already discussed it. You have to deal with how you feel about Mike. You have to learn how to forgive. And the one you need to forgive first is yourself."

Seeing the obstinate look on Sonny's face, Kevin knew he was going to have to get tough if he stood any chance of getting Sonny to realize the damage that had been done to himself because he hadn't learned how to forgive.

"Sonny, how are you going to feel when you to have to face the fact that your daughter will spend a life just as tormented as you have because she learned how to respond to the disappointments of her life from you."

"Alexis won't let that happen."

"Alexis won't have a choice, because your daughter will see how you respond to her mother as well, should Alexis make the grave mistake of not living up to your expectations. It is a very real part of why Alexis fears an involvement with you. Can you see what I'm trying to get across to you, Sonny? You are alone because you have chosen to hang onto a past that has effectively crippled you. You never gave yourself the chance to learn that not everybody has an agenda against you. You don't have a relationship with your sister because you were so busy trying to force her to see things your way that she gave up trying to build a relationship with a brother she never knew she had. It wasn't worth the trouble to her. She did just fine not having a brother for the first part of her life. If it meant having to face the garbage of your past every time you made contact with her then she probably figured she didn't need a brother after all. She needed something from you that you couldn't give because you wouldn't let go of your anger for Mike. Just because he failed you didn't mean he would automatically fail Courtney. She was willing to take the chance because she wanted a relationship with her father. So, it's Mike who has a place in her life now... instead of her brother who does love her but doesn't know how to show it."

Since Sonny started talking to him several days ago, he had not been able to look Kevin directly in the eye. Kevin knew that one of the reasons was the fact that Sonny was embarrassed that he found himself talking to a shrink, but it was also the fact that he was having to talk about subjects that were normally off limits. Kevin felt a sense of relief and accomplishment when he felt Sonny take his arm and bring him to a halt. Sonny looked him in the eye and took his first step toward the healing he needed and deserved.

"So what do I do to fix it, Kevin? How do I go about forgiving Mike?"

"First, by going to see him. Tell him you are letting go of the past and that if he wants to, you two can start over. No threats against him if he screws up again. You have to learn to accept him as he is, no questions asked."

"That's a pretty big thing you're asking."

"Yes, it is. But, if it makes it any easier you're not going there for Mike's sake. You're going there for you. Mike's part will come later if he chooses. Right now, your objective is to let the past go and to let go of any expectations you may have of him. You and Mike may never have a father/son relationship, but it won't be because you're still holding a grudge. Think you can do it?"

"I don't know. All I can do is try."

"That's good enough for now."

"Kev, I'm... a... I'm going into town. I need to see Michael. I need to see my son. I'll be back tomorrow. Could you keep an eye on Alexis since Johnny won't be around for a while?"

"Sure thing, Sonny. I'll check in with her before I leave. If you need anything, call me. Here, home... whatever."

"Thanks, Kev. I appreciate what you're doing for me even though I'm not too good at saying it."

"You're doing fine, Sonny. You're doing just fine."