The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 54

Johnny left the suite to give Alexis time alone to deal with her thoughts and he began a slow pondering walk of his own around the grounds. There had to be something he could do to help his friends get past the problems they were facing and come to some sort of reconciliation. He didn't think things could look any more hopeless given Alexis had retreated behind a wall of self-preservation and it appeared Sonny was giving up all together.

Coming up on a soda can on the ground he began kicking it down the path in front of him absentmindedly trying to keep it on the walkway. Being so heavy in thought he jumped as the can was suddenly kicked back at him. Looking up in surprise he saw who had sent the can back his way. Grimacing at the ragged worn face of the man in front of him, Johnny completed the distance between them and slapped him on the back companionably.

"I think it's about time you and I had a talk, Sonny. You up for it?"

"Is she ok, Johnny? Is Alexis ok?"

"No, she's not and neither are you. You ready to hear a few truths without, as she would put it, 'lowering the boom' on me?"

"She talked to you about me?"

"Did she ever! And I can tell you right now that I am definitely fixing to cross a line that could cost me her friendship, but I think it's a line that needs to be crossed, because you two simply do not know how to talk to each other anymore. Let's take a walk around to the east side of the building. I don't want her to see me talking to you and stop me before we get done."

"She's pretty angry with me isn't she?"

"Yes, and she's hurt, Sonny? You did a bang up job on her."

"I know what she's going through, Johnny."

"No, I don't think you have a clue what she's going through right now. Take what you think you know about how much she's hurt and multiply it by 100. When you've done that then add just as much anger to it and you may come close to half of what she's feeling. Not to mention how scared of you she is right now. With all those negative feelings bombarding her just imagine what it's doing to her to know that regardless of all that, she still loves you. Now if you really want to get a good picture of where she's at, try adding on top of all that other stuff the fact that she still has memories lost out there somewhere that she's also scared of. Now do you get the picture?"

"You know, If she'd just give me a chance to tell her I love her then everything would be ok and we could just start all over again. But, that's not going to happen is it?"

Johnny stopped dead still and just stared at Sonny. How can any one person be so blind and selfish? Johnny started walking again while shaking his head. Hearing Sonny call his name he turned back and waited for Sonny to catch up. Looking at the man who stood beside him now, for the first time since all this started Johnny regretted bringing Sonny here. He wasn't sure anymore if he wanted Sonny and Alexis together. But, in her heart, Alexis wanted it and that was what was important to Johnny.

"If I had a say in this right now, I'd dropkick your butt all the way to Canada and back. Man, you need help."

Sonny felt the anger start to rise within him and mentally began trying to back away from it.

"Johnny, you need to back off a little. I don't need this from you."

"Well, you certainly need it from somebody. You don't have one clue about how totally selfish you really are, do you? Are you sure you're here to help Alexis or are you just here to make sure you get another notch on your belt?"

Johnny didn't see it coming and suddenly found himself flat on his back nursing a tender jaw. He looked up at the man that stood above him and saw red. Jumping up he rushed at Sonny, picked him up bodily and slammed him against the nearest tree. Holding him there he looked intently into the man's eyes. What he saw stopped him cold. Sonny was hurting almost as much as Alexis was and he was just as scared, the only difference was Johnny had never seen Sonny unsure of himself. There was a lost look in his eyes that staggered Johnny. Lowering him slowly to the ground. Johnny backed away.

"I'm sorry, Sonny. When it comes to Alexis, I have a tendency to act without thinking. You didn't deserve that."

Straightening his clothes and wiping them down, Sonny took a few extra moments to calm down before answering Johnny.

"I know I have a few problems to deal with Johnny. But, I don't know what to do next. I don't want to hurt her anymore, but I don't see a way around it. And I want all of this over for her."

"You know what hurts people the most when they're around you?"

"No, but I have a feeling you're fixing to tell me."

"No insult intended, Sonny... just my honest opinion. This is the way we outsiders see it. You sit in your penthouse on the 17th floor of the Harbor View Tower and look down your nose at all the little peons beneath you thinking you have a right to because of where you came from. It's wrong, Sonny. Everybody comes from somewhere. Ok, so some people have to crawl out of a deeper hole... but, that doesn't make them any better than anybody else. It just makes them stronger. You know what you remind me of sometimes? Have you ever seen a gorilla sitting in the midst of a whole lot of other animals of their kind? He sits there beating on his chest as if to say 'I'm the biggest and the baddest. Don't anybody mess with me'."

Highlighting his words with action, Johnny stuck out his chest and began beating on it bringing a chuckle from Sonny.

"I don't think it's that bad, Johnny."

"Wanna bet?"

"I'm proud of what I was able to overcome, Johnny."

"That's fine, Sonny. But, you don't have to beat everybody over the head with it."

"I don't discuss my past with people, Johnny."

"I know that. I'm not talking about what you say. I'm talking about how you treat people. I imagine you came closer to treating Alexis as more of an equal than you have anyone else you've ever known. She came from just as much of a difficult past as you did, but she has never once made me feel inferior. That's one of the differences between you two. She looks at people for what she can learn from them or how she can help them. You look at everybody and try to figure out what you can get out of them. And I have to include Alexis in that as well. You needed a lawyer, you needed a friend, you needed this and you needed that. What about her! There for a while I thought you were coming out of it with the way you were treating her, but in the end it always came back to you. When Alexis is on steady ground she's always there to help you in your next disaster. Sure, I may be off a bit, but I can't imagine I'm off by much. I just can't understand why you couldn't see the total line she walked for you. She even turned her back on what she believed a couple of times for you and you treated her like it was no big deal. It was business as usual for you, but for her... It was a big deal, Sonny. But, because she gave herself completely to the cause of Sonny Corinthos she remained quiet about it... to keep you happy. She buried a part of herself to keep you safe."

"I've always known that it was me that needed her. Do you know what it's like to look at a woman like Alexis and know that there's not one damn thing in this world that she could possibly need from a man like me. That's it, Johnny. Alexis doesn't need me... she never has. Whatever I thought I may have been to her, she could just as well get that from Jax, Ned, Kristina or someone else. Well, not Kristina; I took that from her as well."

Johnny stopped walking again and reached to grab Sonny's arm with a vise like grip.

"We are not going to get anywhere here if you do a swan dive into self-pity. There is a woman in that building over there who is absolutely convinced that she does need you in her life and she's fighting it with every ounce of strength she has. It's a battle she's losing and she knows it. I threw a couple of insults your way to get her talking and she turned on me like a mama bear defending her cubs. So don't even try to tell me she doesn't need you. I'm damned if I understand why she does, but she does. Look, I know a bit about what you did for her, but you're letting that brain of yours get clouded again so you can't see it any longer. So, let's go back to the beginning. What is it you saw in Alexis that made her different from every other woman you've ever known?"

Sonny took a seat on a bench near by, exhaled heavily and leaned back with a half smile on his face. Just remembering how they had started changed his whole expression. His face relaxed and the tension in his body fell away.

"She's smart, Johnny. She's one of those women you grow up wanting to have in your life, but you know she's out of your league so you're left just dreaming about her. She's the classiest, sexiest, most beautiful woman I know and she doesn't have a clue she's any of those things which makes her even more desirable. And for a little while, it wasn't just a dream anymore for me. She was a part my life. I couldn't imagine going a day without seeing her. It fascinated me the way she could run off a whole argument with herself without stopping once for a breath of air. We had fun teasing each other. She... she had this way of looking at me... it felt like she was touching my soul... reaching down and pulling the very best out of me. I didn't want to screw it up so I tried to make sure not to put it on a personal level. But, it didn't work. The longer I knew her, the more time we spent together... she always left me wanting more. I knew I'd screw it up. Someone like her... just doesn't fit with someone like me. But in all the time I've known her and with everything she knows about me I never once... not once saw pity in her eyes when she looked at me."

"Don't you think that's something worth fighting for? Or do you intend on giving up on the best thing that has ever happened to you in your miserable life."

"Johnny, I don't know what to do next with Alexis. I don't know what she wants from me."

"Sonny, she wants what every woman wants. She wants to be loved. I know she had some kind of thing with Ashton for awhile, but you can tell there was something missing. Look, I don't know a lot about Alexis before she came to Port Charles, but every woman who was loved and accepted as a child has a certain confidence about her. Alexis doesn't have that confidence. I don't think Alexis knows what it is to be completely loved and accepted. That's where you come in if you can get past this obsession you have with yourself. Sonny, she needs what only you can give her. It's time for you to start making some sacrifices now."

"What kind of sacrifices?"

"The kind of sacrifices that tell a woman she's loved... that she's the most important thing in your life. First, no more business at home. Leave it at the office. When you walk in that door in the evening, everything becomes about you and her. Don't make her take a backseat to the business. If you give her your complete attention, she will give you everything she's got and more. If you show her every day how much you love her, she will plan her days around you and make it her life's work to give you what you need. Make every day special in some way or another... Make her your highest priority. For every moment you give to her, she will give that moment and so much more back to you... because she wants to. It's a matter of priority. You give your best to her and she will give her best to you."

"It doesn't sound very easy."

"It's not, Sonny. And it will be the hardest thing in the world for you to do because it will be a totally new concept for you. You've never completely given yourself to anyone before. There are going to be days when you come home where you are totally exhausted and the last thing you want to do is listen to anything from anybody. Those are the days that you're going to have to force yourself to do what is necessary to keep the lines of communication open between you. If you let one day go by without making it special, then it will become easier and easier to let it happen more and more and soon you'll have a mountain to climb to get back the relationship you want to have with her and she'll be the one that suffers the most."

"You make it seem like I'm incapable of having a relationship with anyone."

"Ok, let me ask you something. Outside of Alexis what's the most important thing to you?"

"My family."

"How do you show it?"

"By protecting them, providing for them and keeping them safe."

"What if that's not what they want from you?"

"What more is there?"

"What about love?"

"Well I wouldn't be doing any of that if I didn't love them."

"So you give them everything you think they could ever want or need; except the one thing they want the most. You! They don't get you, Sonny. You don't invest yourself in them at all. If you want a relationship with Alexis, that's going to have to change. Have you ever considered what would happen if you treated your family like you treat your business and your business like your family. You might want to think about that, Sonny. It's called 'cultivating'."

"Cultivating?"

"Yeah, cultivating. If you want something to grow, you cultivate it. You feed it, fertilize it, care for it... you know nurse it just like you would a tree or something... like you'd do for a baby only leave off the fertilizer, that wouldn't be so good for a baby."

Both men chuckled at the imagery Johnny was presenting. Sonny listened intently to Johnny. It sounded like the man knew what he was talking about and judging by the way Alexis and Joy both acted around him... it seemed like what he was saying worked for him, but Sonny couldn't imagine it working for him.

"Johnny, I've been this way all my life... and it's worked for me."

"Has it? Don't try snowing me this late in the game. I've been around too long to buy it. Yeah, you've got problems, but they are not insurmountable. You need to spend more time with Kevin and I would suggest you find some way of not looking at everything solely based on how it pertains to you. You're not an island; you're a man who has the same needs as every other man has. And you're not the sun; everything doesn't revolve around you. You want Alexis, fight for her. You want a healthy relationship with her, fight for it. The ball is in your court now, Sonny. It's up to you how you play it."

chapter 55