The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 53

"Alexis?"

"Not now, Johnny."

"I know you're hurting, but so is he."

"Johnny, I'm asking you not to."

Johnny found her sitting by the window in the living room staring outside. Following her gaze he found what held her attention. Sonny and Kevin were sitting together talking. Pulling up a chair he sat down beside her and reached for her hand. Squeezing slightly he brought her attention to him.

"Alexis, why won't you face what's in your heart?"

"I did that once and look where it got me?"

Her voice grew bitter and Johnny knew instinctively that Alexis had withdrawn completely and shut down any possibility of acknowledging feeling anything for Sonny. Johnny took the only chance he thought left to him.

"I know. He's not worth it, Alexis. He's no good. I'm sorry I told him you were here."

"STOP IT, Johnny. You have no right to talk about him in that manner. You don't know him like I do."

Johnny watched in amusement as she shot up from her chair and turned on him.

"You're right, I don't. I'd say you know him better than anybody. And I'd say you probably know how much he's hurting. So what's standing in your way?"

Alexis sighed wearily when she realized that Johnny was baiting her.

"Johnny, no more games. Just leave me alone please. I've had enough for one day."

"Do you want out of here, Alexis?"

"You know the answer to that. But I won't open myself up to that kind of hurt again and I won't put my daughter in the middle of something that I can't handle myself."

Johnny glanced outside at the two men who sat talking.

"Look out there, Alexis. Look at him. He wouldn't do that for anybody but you."

Alexis walked back to the window and watched as Sonny kicked the pebble at his feet and slowly walk away from Kevin. She closed her eyes and leaned forward resting her head against the coolness of the windowpane.

"I know he's hurting, Johnny. I know how much he's hurting. I've seen him like that before. But, if I give in, both my daughter and I will suffer in the end. He'll get what he wants and go back to business as usual. Where does that leave us? Waiting for Carly to come back or worse... a stray bullet to find the heart of my daughter. He wants his daughter, he wants his attorney and he wants his friend. The only ones that stand to lose in that scenario is his daughter and his friend."

"Alexis, he's trying to work things out. He's spent a lot of time with Kevin. He wants things to be different. Can't you at least give him a little time to work some of this out?"

"How much time does it take for a man to figure out that he lives a dangerous life... that love is give and take... that you put the one you love first in your life. You know that, Johnny. Why can't he see it? Why does everything have to be his way or no way at all?"

"I think he's learning that his way hasn't been the best way."

"Look, what if it were Joy standing in my shoes? Would you still be pushing me this hard to give in?"

"That's not a fair question, Alexis. Joy and I aren't carrying the baggage you two are. Joy is not as strong as you are and I'm not like Sonny."

"No, you're definitely not like Sonny. You're not as arrogant nor are you as self-absorbed as he is."

"So, what it is that drew you to him in the first place? You've got to admit you two are quite an unlikely pair."

Alexis slowly turned from the window and walked over to the sofa. Glancing up at Johnny, she sat down sighing heavily as she settled against the pillows. Closing her eyes she leaned her head back against the cushion and remembered the man she fell in love with.

"He waaasss kind... gentle. He took time with me. He was patient. He never made me feel like I was intruding. That was so unfamiliar to me. No one ever treated me with such respect before. He made me laugh. He confided in me. We were each other's confidants. For once in my life I had someone I could trust, someone I could talk to, lean on. We came from similar backgrounds so we both knew the same kind of hurt. It became a bond that drew us closer together. At least until... things changed."

"Until he got scared you mean?"

Forcing a light chuckle, Alexis did as she always did where Sonny was concerned. She tried to protect him... protect the image he built for himself.

"Scared? Sonny? I thought you knew him better than that Johnny?"

"Actually I thought you knew him better."

"What do you mean?"

"He ran from his feelings just as far and as fast as you did. Then you both started letting things get mucked up."

"I know what he did to Zander, Johnny. He knew what Zander meant to me."

"Ok, let's get this Zander business straightened out once and for all."

"What do you mean?"

"You may know what he did to Zander, but do you know what Zander did to him? If anyone else had done what Zander did, he would have disappeared... forever."

Alexis straightened up with a questioning look at Johnny.

"He gave Roscoe inside information on Sonny's business. The information could have crippled Sonny financially. The boy needed to be taught a lesson."

Alexis leaned forward resting her head in her hands.

"Oh, Zander."

Johnny took a seat beside Alexis on the sofa and waited a moment for Alexis to process the news.

"Why didn't he tell me, Johnny?"

"Would you have listened? What happened the last time Sonny took matters into his own hands where Zander was concerned?"

"It doesn't matter anymore, Johnny. By the time this recent incident with Zander happened Sonny had already set the course he wanted to travel with the woman he wanted to travel it with. He had already turned his back on the man I knew him to be. When I confronted him at the hospital, he knew what he had done and he knew how I would react. He couldn't even look me in the eye, Johnny. He could have told me what was going on right then and given me a chance to respond to the truth of the situation, but he didn't. He kept quiet. He showed no remorse at all. So once again, someone betrays the 'great Sonny Corinthos' and all the fires of hell are not punishment enough for them. I'm sick of his self-righteous attitude. I'm sick of this code he lives by. I'm sick of the double standard he lives by. No one can live up to his expectations."

As each moment of her tirade passed, Alexis became more agitated and the more agitated she became the angrier she got. By the time she had gotten through half of her rant she was pacing. Johnny knew she was making some valid points and he knew that most of her anger was justified. He also knew that Alexis would not be able to see the truth objectively until the anger was released and dealt with. So he added fuel to the fire.

"So, help him realize his faults."

Alexis turned on Johnny with a vengeance. Her anger reaching a new level.

"WHY? WHY SHOULD I? If I can come out of the garbage of my past with a half-way decent view of right and wrong, why can't he? I'll tell you why. He doesn't want to. He's happy being an amoral unforgiving self-absorbed island. He'd rather sit and stew in the muck and mire of his life rather than put forth any effort to achieve anything higher than that. And he has the perfect companion who's willing to crawl into the muck with him and keep him there. If he should ever have any thought about rising out of it, you can be sure Carly will be right there to pull him right back down and make it sound like the most natural thing in the world. I'm through Johnny. I will not crawl into the pit with him and I sure as hell won't put my daughter there."

"Got it all out now? Or do we need to provide more ammunition for you to blow at?"

"So you're manipulating me now, Johnny? I thought you were different. That trick belongs to Sonny."

Johnny smiled sadly and got up from the sofa. Walking toward her he put both arms around her and hugged her.

"I was not manipulating you, Alexis. You needed to face your anger and get it out. You've held and buried it for too long. It's not good to hold that much anger inside for a minute much less the months that you've held it. Don't be mad at me, Alexis. I was only trying to help."

Johnny tightened his hold on her as he felt her arms go around him and a deep heart-wrenching sob escape her control.

"Let it go, partner. Your anger is well deserved. He's put you through hell... I know that. But, I also know he wants to change. He wants something more out of his life. He just doesn't know how to go about getting what he wants. That's why he's talking to Kevin. You see, since he lost you all that he can see is the darkness. You were his light. Kind of like his own personal lighthouse. If he got too far out in the dark all he had to do was look for the lighthouse and he could work his way back. You were home to him."

Pulling away from Johnny, Alexis walked back over to the window as her heart and mind began another war.

"So once again, I'm being asked to stick my neck out and help him come out of this darkness that he seems to love so much. Don't you see, Johnny? If I'm constantly having to be his 'lighthouse' as you call it, when will he ever become strong enough to do what's best for himself on his own? People need to be able to depend on him emotionally at times. His family needs to be able to trust him; they need to know he loves them. But right now that's not possible because they know they can't live up to his standard. So why try? Who wants to constantly be on edge waiting for him to lower the boom because they made a mistake? It's too much, Johnny. You're asking too much of me this time."

"Alexis, I'm asking you to help him become the man that you need him to be, that he wants to be."

"I can't do it. He has to want it enough to do it on his own. He has to want it enough to realize that women like Carly are not good for him. Johnny, he has to want it enough to do what is necessary to finally know without a doubt that he has worth even when standing alone."

Johnny leaned closer and whispered with care

"Just as you have to realize the very same thing."

Alexis turned and took a few steps away from him before turning back to agree halfheartedly with his statement.

"Look, Johnny. I know I have worth. I'm good at what I do."

"Alexis, you're good at who you are."

She didn’t want to deal with anything else. And knowing he was now trying to make another point with her she decided to end their conversation.

"Johnny, I'm tired. Can we stop this? I'd like to... stop this."

And again, Johnny watched her retreat inside herself. Walking over to her he took hold of her and turned her to face him.

"Alexis, look at me."

Johnny waited until she raised her eyes to meet his.

"Just so you know, I care about you. I'm only pushing because I care... because you're worth it to me. I love you, partner and I want you to be happy."

She stepped away from him and turned to go to her room. He overheard her quiet words as she entered her room and closed the door behind her.

"If only he cared half as much as you do."

His shoulders sagged at the hurt and defeat he heard in her voice. He wanted so much to help her and Sonny come back together. But, now he held more concerns than ever regarding the two of them. Yes, they were good together for awhile. But, there was a lot of anger and hurt they needed to get past before they could even think of trying to get back what they lost. And right now, Johnny didn't see how it could happen. Sonny couldn't see beyond his own need and Alexis was simply afraid of the idea of Sonny... of what opening herself up to him again could do to her and what his kind of life could mean to the health of her child as well as herself.