The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 51

Alexis was so tired the previous evening that it wasn't hard to keep her promise to Kevin to get some rest. Her night had been free of nightmares and she awakened ravenous given she missed dinner the previous evening. Johnny came in shortly after her and took her teasing over the lack of popcorn rather well. He and Joy then left to take a run to the store to stock up on the vital snack of choice.

Hearing a knock at the door, Alexis went to answer it. She found the hall empty and assumed someone had simply made a mistake. As she turned to go back inside she noticed a white box on the floor at her feet. The familiarity of the box brought memories that flooded her senses. The first time he gave her one, she accepted it on a dare. The second time, he gave her a box just like this from one friend to another. Bending down to pick it up a smile of longing crossed her face. Unfolding the card that was attached to the top of the box she read the note he scrawled inside. Her fingers ran lightly over the words wistfully.

"Alexis,

I need a friend to talk to. If I promise to behave will you meet me under the
big oak tree?

Sonny"

Knowing what she would find, she opened the box and breathed deeply the fragrance that lay within. Such delicate petals... the simple grace and beauty of each flower wove itself around her heart. She was unaware of the tears that were slowly finding their way down her cheeks as she touched the fragile petals that lay within until she felt a tear drop from her cheek to land among them and disappear.

"Well little girl, your daddy always did know how to get someone's attention. He was never one to give up on anything he set his mind to. What do you think, baby? Think we're ready to face him?"

Laughing delightedly at the tiny kick she received, Alexis cradled the box in one arm, her child in the other and went back inside closing the door behind her with her foot. She didn't want to take a chance on accidentally dropping the precious box nor did she want to lose contact with her child.

"Ok, Ok. I'll take you to see your daddy. But, you have to promise to settle down sweetheart.'

Finding a bowl in the kitchen, Alexis lovingly placed each flower into the bowl that she filled with water then went to dress for an impromptu date with Sonny.

Quickly running a brush through her hair a few times, she headed for the door again only to halt suddenly and return to the bowl she placed on the coffee table. The bowl that now held what she considered to be the symbol of the love she held for the man who had stolen her heart. She picked up one gardenia and brought it up to inhale its fragrance. Holding it tenderly she left the room to rejoin her heart that now sat waiting for her under a big oak tree.

It was a beautiful morning that greeted her as she stepped outside the building. Standing still a moment to put away any stray emotions or feelings that had no business peeking out she stepped down and began the walk that would take her to her friend. No one need know that her feelings went any deeper than that. She missed her friend, the trust between them, the talks they shared, the connection.

"Good morning, Alexis. Thank you for agreeing to meet me. I wasn't sure you would come."

She found him waiting patiently, whistling softly to himself. As she sat down beside him her eyes were automatically drawn to his and her heart once again began the familiar war. Of the many wars that raged within her where Sonny was concerned only one had ever been resolved, it was resolved by a heart that closed the door on reason. There was no longer a question as to whether or not she loved Sonny nor was there the question of how much she loved him. There were other wars being waged within her heart and mind now. Should she tell him, and what of Carly? Would her baby girl have to suffer the verbal assaults of Carly as she did with Helena? Looking at the contentment on his face she decided to push the problems into the corners of her mind and leave them for a while. All she wanted in that moment was to keep that beautiful smile on his face for as long as possible.

"I've never been able to say no to your charm, especially when such beautiful flowers accompany it."

"You like the flowers?"

"Yes, Sonny. I've always liked the flowers. Your taste has always been excellent in the gifts you give. Not that you've given me a lot of gifts, but the ones you did give were very well thought out. I mean look at the trip to Puerto Rico. That was a gift. You saw I needed to get away and you provided the means. You've always treated me very sweetly and I appreciate it."

Sonny reached for her, but remembered his promise to behave and pulled his hand back clasping it with his other in his lap.

"Alexis... breathe. There is no reason for you to be uneasy. I just wanted to talk to you. I don't have any ulterior motives... well... not many at least."

Tilting her head to the side she slid a glance his way and smiled knowingly at the devilish grin on his face.

"Not many, huh?"

Sonny shifted a bit so he could watch her more closely. He had gotten an idea the previous evening and he was hoping it would help him prove to her how he felt about her.

"I just want to talk to you, Alexis. I want to tell you a story."

"A story, Sonny. Aren't I a little old for that type of thing?"

"No, not for this kind of story. I brought you a cold bottle of water just in case you get thirsty."

"So I take it this is going to be a long story."

Chuckling at her sarcasm he shifted again to get a little more comfortable.

"Well, that depends on how many times you interrupt me during the story."

"Well, I think I can hold the interruptions to a minimum. So go ahead, I'm all ears."

Sonny sat back and relaxed to tell a story that he hoped would prove to Alexis the depth of his feeling for her and also allow her to trust him enough to share her feelings as well.

"A long time ago there was a little boy who loved his mother and father more than anything else. But, one day his dad walked away and didn't come back."

"Sonny, I remember what happened in your past. You don't have to tell me again."

He grinned and nodded his patiently.

"Actually I thought I'd be able to get further into the story before you interrupted for the first time."

"I'm sorry, Sonny. But, I know how much those memories hurt. You don't have to do this."

"Alexis, a lot has happened since I've been here. I want you to know what's going on now and what went on with me during the time you've been here. Please, let me do this. I need to tell you and I need you to hear it; for both of us. Ok?"

"Ok, Sonny. You have my full attention. Go ahead, I'll listen without interruption this time."

"Ok. Once Mike walked out that's when the bitterness began. Day after day passed and I would stand at the window hoping he would come home, but when he didn't the bitterness began to grow more and more. My mother would always try to distract me. She tried everything she could think of to help pass the days, but I saw what it was doing to her. And after a while we just kind of gave up on him. Then Deke came into the picture and the abuse began. As much as I hated Deke, there was a part of me that hated Mike more because if he had stayed then Deke wouldn't have been able to get to my mother and me. As the years passed I began to hold Mike just as responsible for my mother's death as I did Deke. But, even when he came back years later wanting a relationship I gave him a chance and he walked again. I swore then that I was through with him. In all of it I learned to shut myself off... to not ever expect anything from anyone. I called myself putting it all behind me, but the truth of it is... I carry it with me every day of my life. I live my life letting my past dictate how I deal with the present. But, something happened a couple of years ago that began to change things. I couldn't exactly put my finger on the how or why, but I do know it started when you and I began working together and eventually became friends."

Alexis watched Sonny stand and start pacing; a sign that always signaled intense concentration on his part. There was something different in his face this time though. There was the look of openness that she remembered from some of their previous talks, but there was something else in his face that she hadn't seen before and she couldn't quite name what it was.

"Do you remember how many times I told you I needed you?"

Remember? How could she forget? How do you forget a rush of warmth brought about by unexpected words? Words that held the promise of more time... time with the one person who excited you... challenged you... infuriated and comforted you. Smiling wryly she answered.

"Quite a few if I recall correctly."

"Exactly, but did I ever really explain why?"

"Not really. You've never been one for explaining, Sonny. I figured it was because you needed a friend and except for Jason who was always taking off for parts unknown, I was the only one available."

"That may have been part of it, but there was something else I needed from you and you gave it. For the first time in my life someone took an interest in me... in what made me the man I became. You looked underneath the hate and anger. The women I've been with... they couldn't be with me without trying to change me. It seemed there was always some plan to force me into being the man they wanted me to be. Maybe Lilly was different, but even with her there was still something that wasn't right."

Sonny stopped pacing and turned to face Alexis.

"Do you remember when I asked you if the view in Puerto Rico was worth what I paid for it? Do you remember what you said?"

"Yes. I said that I doubted it."

Sonny started toward her with a bit of excitement then remembering himself stopped allowing his excitement to be heard in his voice.

"You see, that's just it. Those 3 words got to me. They hit home. Everyone else would have either said yes or made some attempt to color the situation differently. But when it comes right down to the truth of it all... there's no one else that I would have felt safe enough with to share that story with. That's been the thing all along. I could share my soul with you knowing that what was in my best interest would always come first with you. I didn't have to second-guess your intentions."

Residual fear forced her to retreat to what was safe, knowing he wouldn’t have an adequate enough answer to satisfy her.

"So why did you stay with Carly? What was it about her that kept you tied to her? It was something that I never really understood."

"She's the kind of woman men like me end up with. With everything I was guilty of in my life, I couldn't see where I could have anything more so I forced myself to accept the relationship. I fought hard to make it work. In the beginning, I admit I actually thought I loved her but, as time passed it became more about something else. I told you one time, but we were interrupted before we could finish it."

"You felt your only choices were to either be with Carly or spend the remainder of your life alone."

Sonny face fell into a look of shock.

"You remember that?"

"Of course I remember it, Sonny. I'm just sorry that Jax interrupted that conversation. It was one that needed to be finished."

"And if we decided to finish it now, what would you say, Alexis?"

Alexis sat back and studied him for a moment. Was it now appropriate for her to tell him what should have been said months ago? Would it make a difference? The more she thought the more she knew he deserved to know what she thought. He needed her truth just as much as she needed his.

"The first thing I would say is that no man should ever have to be saddled with the likes of a woman like Carly. I don't mean that maliciously and I don't want to hurt you by saying it, but Carly is the type of woman who was born solely to destroy men. She's manipulative, vindictive, self-absorbed and cruel. She cares about you only as long as she gets what she wants the way she wants it. She is detrimental to you as a man. Sonny, every time you let her get close to you she begins to slowly tear you down... I will concede that I don't think she does it on purpose. She's not that clever. She actually believes that she's trying to help... that the lies, the schemes, the absolutely infantile machinations she puts you through are for your benefit. How any one person can become so warped is beyond me. And believe me, with the Cassadine history I come from, that's saying something. I'm sorry, but if I were given the choice of spending the rest of my life with Carly or being alone... I'd have to choose being alone."

Desperately Sonny fought back. The fear of being alone suddenly taking over and smothering his other feelings.

"But, I don't want to spend my life alone, Alexis. In some ways it kind of feels like I've been alone most of my life anyway... except maybe for the last year or so. Every time there has been love in my life it has come with some kind of angle to it. Is that the way it really is? Does there always have to be an angle involved. I want to be with someone who actually likes me, understands me and despite what she knows of me loves me anyway. I'm not a good man... but, I could be with the right woman by my side."

His eyes held hers. They were magnets that would not release her. She saw into the depths of his soul. She saw the fear, the hurt, the frightened little boy, the desperate man, and she saw his need. And as he laid his heart open for her she froze. She knew it. She knew it. He was going to do it to her again. 'Damn. Why do I let him do this to me?'

Sonny felt her withdraw and was puzzled by it. What was she hearing? Did he say something wrong? Settling down beside her he tried again.

"It was easier to stay with Carly. I got to where I didn't expect anything from her. If you don't expect anything then you can't get hurt. It became an existence of just waiting until the next bomb dropped. It's kind of like with Mike. You know they're gonna mess up. You just wait for it to happen and clean up the mess as best you can and then get ready for the next disaster 'cause that's what your life is."

He couldn't read what she was thinking. She had effectively pulled the curtain down on her emotions. Moving closer to her he took her hand in his.

"Don't you get it, Alexis? I could survive Carly if anything happened and we didn't make it. It was easier to stay with her than to take a chance on something that did have the ability to destroy me if it didn't work. You and me, we trusted each other. I trusted you and you trusted me. The problem was... we didn't trust us."

"Sonny, there never was an 'us'. You know that."

"Yes Alexis, there was. We just couldn't face it. We were scared of it. Of what it could do to us... of the power of it. Neither one of us have ever felt anything like that before, so we ran from it. Or maybe I should say, I ran from it since I probably shouldn’t speak for you."

"Sonny, please don't do this. I'm asking you... please... "

"Don't do what, Alexis? Don't tell you that I found her that I went looking for my friend and found her. You see I was so afraid of losing my friend that I failed to do what was necessary to keep her. But when I found her I found something else too."

Alexis was desperately fighting what he was trying to tell her; fighting what she wanted to believe he was telling her. Fighting to keep him at arm’s length… for herself… for her daughter.

"No, Sonny! We lost each other and there is no going back. We can't go back. There is nothing left to salvage of our friendship. It's over."

As she stood to walk away a thought suddenly occurred to Sonny. With insight that could only be born from hours of spending time with and caring about someone, he realized what the problem was.

"Alexis, this is not about my daughter. This is about you and me. Don’t give up on us, Alexis."