The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 49

Standing at the door she raised her hand to knock. Hesitating a moment in indecision she finally dropped her hand and turned to walk away. Taking a few steps away from the door she stopped turned again and went back to the door. Finally resigning herself to the task she raised her hand and knocked, committing herself to a situation she never thought she would willingly participate in.

As the door opened Alexis gazed into concerned and caring eyes then asked the question that she knew he wanted her to ask; had hoped she would one day ask.

"Can we talk, Kevin?"

"Come on in, Alexis. I was about to have some lunch and it would be an honor if you would join me."

"No thanks. I'm not hungry, but you go ahead. I don't really know why I'm here, but everything has just become a bit too much to handle on my own, I think. You probably already know that this is the last place I want to be right now."

He chuckled and motioned her inside and waited for her to be seated.

"I know. You've made it quite clear what you think of my profession."

"I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. I quite frankly hold your particular profession in the highest regards... as long as it pertains to the care of someone else. But, to find myself sitting here... it's just damning to me personally."

"Why, Alexis? I'm not so sure I fully understand why it is that you think talking to me is so unacceptable for you. Everyone needs someone to talk to at times... and sometimes it's better if the person is unbiased and can look at a situation with a more objective view."

"I have spent my life dealing with the unusual... the abnormal if you will. I set a standard for myself a long time ago. Because of the way I grew up it was essential that I have complete order in my life. I have worked endlessly to achieve that way of life. I am comfortable when everything is in its place, everything done in its own time... it unnerves me if the slightest shift to the natural order of things takes place."

"So what is it that has you so... unnerved now?"

"Right now? The fact that I am sitting in the office of a psychiatrist because my life became so unbalanced and uncontrollable that I chose to walk away from it rather than face it and deal with it has me pretty much on overload. Add to that the fact that there is still another aspect of my memory that has yet to reveal itself... well, you get the picture."

"Yes, I get the picture. You're apprehensive about the remaining portion of your repressed memory."

"Apprehensive is an understatement. Do you know what it is, Kevin? Do you know what is still out there waiting to level me?"

"Level you? Why do you automatically assume that it will level you?"

"Because I know what happens inside me if I get to close to the door it's hidden behind and you didn't answer my question. Do you know what it is?"

"Yes, Alexis. I know what it is, but I do not know how you will react to it. I have my ideas, but they are just that... ideas. What I think is important to note is that right now, I believe you have enough to deal with without trying to open that remaining door yet. Look, I'm not going to push you to discuss any of what you're going through right now. I think if I did I would probably find myself hanging from the girders of Pier 52. You have quite a support system backing you up in case you haven't noticed."

"Believe me, I have noticed. And as much as I have come to love both Johnny and Joy for all they have done for me, I'm ready for a little R & R from them."

"They have totally committed themselves to your care, but so has someone else and I can't help but notice you left him completely out of the equation. Should I leave it alone?"

Alexis took a moment to pull her thoughts together before she answered.

"I'm told that he has revealed some of my past to you. Just how much I am unsure of, but whatever he told you, it should be enough for you to understand that I have always had trust issues. He broke that trust. I can't tell you how because of the attorney client privilege clause. I may no longer be his attorney, but whatever was disclosed during or after our association... whether it is actually covered legally or not... it remains off limits. That being said, he knows the events that took place in my life that caused me to become the woman that I am... to view things the way that I do. I look at everything from a survivor's point of view. He knows that... because of the life he has led he has the same point of view. Therefore he, more than anyone else, knows what it must have taken for me to end up here. Given what I know of where I stood just prior to my self-imposed psychological internment... I can only assume that something happened involving him that I couldn't deal with. My problem is that I am again faced with his presence on a daily basis. My immediate goal is to see to it that whatever happened that caused all of this never happens again. And that, in a nutshell, is why I am now sitting here with you."

"Quite a nutshell, counselor."

"I'm serious, Kevin. This is my life we're talking about. I want it back... without the fear, without the anxiousness, without... hurting anyone else."

"That's really what all of this is about, isn't it? You're terrified that you've hurt someone. Why? Why does the thought that you may have hurt someone have the ability to destroy the grasp you have on your life? If you're going to allow me to try to help you I need to know what's driving your thoughts. Can you tell me, Alexis?"

Kevin watched her closely to see what affect his questions were having on her and the only change in her response was a slight shift in her eyes and one side of her bottom lip found its way between her teeth briefly. Getting up from his desk he went to stand in front of her and knelt beside her.

"Hey, it's just you and me and the walls. No one else. I know just as much about that attorney/client thing as you know about the doctor/patient thing. I want to help you Alexis, if you'll let me."

"I've done things I'm not proud of. Things that have... hurt people. In some instances I knew it would hurt them, but I did it anyway because I wanted to protect my family. The reasons no longer matter now. What does matter is that it was wrong. Would I do it again? Under the same circumstances and even given the same results... I probably would. Nevertheless, I still suffered because of it. The fact that I deliberately hurt someone still affected me inside. Something happened recently and I hurt someone again. I didn't know it until after the fact, but the result was the same. Only this time, because I didn't think of the consequences of my actions I hurt more than one person. I set into motion a chain of events that left a ton of debris. And Sonny was hurt the most. I tried to rationalize the whole fiasco to myself and to Sonny. But, the truth of the matter is... because I didn't think of anyone else... because I chose to do what I wanted... people got hurt. And now my child will be hurt as well."

Kevin watched her stand and move to the window to stare out. He grinned discreetly at how alike the two of them really were. He drew close beside her and lay a hand on her shoulder to draw her attention back to him.

"Truth of the matter is... things happen. We don't want them to... we try our best to keep our lives free of the mud puddles that we inevitably find along the way. Did you know what the outcome would be of your actions?"

"No."

"Did you intend for anyone to get hurt?"

"Absolutely not."

"Did you attempt to clean up the situation?"

"In the beginning, yes."

"Then leave it be. It's over and done with."

"No, Kevin. It's not over. It will never be over for me or for Sonny."

"Mind if I ask why?"

"I think I did something that hurt him again, seriously. So seriously that I couldn't deal with it."

"Did he tell you that you hurt him or is this a conclusion you're jumping to?"

She went quiet on him. Her bottom lip found its way back between her teeth. Kevin was quickly recognizing that it was quite easy to see when Alexis was unsure of herself or when her anxiety got the best of her.

"Come here. Sit with me. You may just get angry with me, but I'd like to share with you what I think is going on here."

Alexis walked ahead of him and sat in the straight back chair forcing Kevin to sit elsewhere. She watched him grin as he realized she had manipulated their seating arrangement effectively keeping her from having to assume a seat on 'the couch'... the dreaded psychiatrist' couch that by sight alone could effectively steal a person's confidence in themselves.

"I may be mentally challenged at times, but I'm not stupid and I can't imagine anything positive coming from me sitting on that couch."

"It's just a couch, Alexis."

"...he says as he perches on the arm of said couch."

He was rewarded with a brief twinkle in her eye before she became serious again. In order to make her more comfortable, Kevin moved off the arm and sat down on the couch and grimaced.

"Ok... so it's more than a couch. It's a statement that's best left to the interpreter."

He watched in fascination as his remark caused her to laugh and he relaxed.

"It's been a long time, Alexis. I didn't realize just how much I missed it."

"Missed what?"

"Your laughter. It's a beautiful sound. I almost hate to continue here, but I think it's necessary."

"You said you think you know what's going on here? Ok, I'll bite. Give me your take on all of this."

"First, just let me ask that you bear with me. I've had to put together a lot of information in a short time; a lot of information on you. It never occurred to me that I would have to take a back seat for the better part of your return to normalcy. I wasn't prepared for such an adamant, stubborn, iron-willed independent patient."

"If you know anything of my history then you know why it is important for me to be self-reliant and independent emotionally as well as physically and professionally."

"Yes, but I didn't expect you to be so proficient at it."

"Anything worth doing is worth doing well."

Kevin chuckled.

"The standard answer for the perfectionist at work. I don't mind telling you, Alexis. You've led me on a merry chase. I don't believe I'm telling you this... I swore I wouldn't. But, do you see that stack of books on my desk?"

Alexis turned to look toward where he was pointing.

"Quite a stack. Research on a new grant or something?"

"No, thanks to you and a former client of yours, I'm having to research the mental addictions, traits and behavioral patterns of 'control freaks'.

Alexis turned back to see such a look of exasperation on Kevin's face that she threw her head back and laughed hilariously.

"You're kidding. Tell me you're kidding, Kevin."

"No, I'm not and it's not that funny. You two are quite a pair. And the similarities between the two of you simply amazes me."

"We've been through a lot together, had some of the same experiences. But, I don't think I want to discuss it with you. It's private."

"It's ok, you don't have to. I already know about his past."

"You know about Sonny's past? How? He doesn't talk about it to anyone."

"Just his best friend and his doctor it seems."

"His doctor? You? Why... no don't tell me. In fact, if what you say is true you're skating on pretty thin ice right now with that doctor/patient clause of yours. It is not very ethical for you to be discussing his.. uhm... I think we need to stop this."

"Alexis, I have his permission. We discussed the possibilities of whether or not his sessions with me could help you or not."

"Kevin, I have to tell you that all of this has suddenly become very uncomfortable for me."

He watched as the normal signs of her unease presented themselves in an exaggerated degree.

"I know, Alexis. I can see that. Does this mean you don't want my take on things after all?"

Sonny in therapy! Alexis wasn't dealing with it too well. What would cause Sonny to go against everything he believed in? He never discussed his private life. He made every effort to keep it all locked away just as she did.

"With every passing hour I am becoming more convinced than ever that whatever is still hiding away has something to do with Sonny. And I have a growing suspicion that Sonny is here now trying to reassure me that he's letting my transgression against him go because of my previous state of mind or lack thereof. He was always generous where my neurotic tendencies were concerned. He never turned me away when I needed someone to talk to. But, I did something that changed all that. I don't want to hurt him again, but I don't want to be hurt again either."

"I know that, Alexis. But, things are not as they seem. You cannot allow yourself to proceed based on supposition and unfounded conclusions. You need to sit back and take a breather. Let things ride for a while. Every single one of those books over there tells me that a perfectionist, when faced with chaos, begins to manipulate the different aspect of their lives to the point of destroying the big picture just so the piece right in front of them that appears to be the problem finally makes sense to them. When that doesn't work, they take another portion of the big picture that looks off and begins to manipulate it in the same manner until they have effectively dismantled what is real to fit their own idea of order... what makes sense to them."

Alexis frowned.

"You're telling me you think I'm a perfectionist."

"How many compartments do you have stashed away in that head of yours that can accommodate all the different aspects of Alexis Davis' life and persona?"

"Compartments?"

"Yes. I imagine there is a compartment for every aspect of your personality as well as your life. For instance, one for the woman who has been hurt, one for the woman who was abused, be it mentally or physically, one for pride in the achievements she's made as an attorney, one for fear, the courageous woman, the principled, the mother, the friend and one great big compartment for the woman who is desperate to be loved."

He watched with a combination of amusement and concern as she stood and went back to stare out the window.

"Alexis, may I ask why it is that both you and Sonny have this penchant for windows when things get a bit uncomfortable? You two make me dizzy traveling back and forth between window viewings."

She glanced back at him, smiled then returned her focus outside.

"It gives the illusion of having more space to breathe in; the room doesn't appear as confining when your looking at the expanse of the outdoors."

"That's not a bad trick. Maybe I could try that when my wife gets riled up."

"Kevin, can we shelve the rest of this for awhile? I need some time to think... process things."

"That's fine, Alexis. But just remember, processing and thinking is fine... it's the compartmentalizing that tends to be destructive. You've so fine-tuned the art of tearing your life down piece by piece in your attempts to analyze it that pieces have gotten lost. Pieces that are important if you want a real and honest assessment of the situation as a whole."

"You make a lot of sense, Kevin. And I promise I'll consider everything you've said."

Alexis made a move toward the door and stopped beside Kevin's desk. Picking up a few of the books stacked there, she perused the titles. She was familiar with most of the authors, but one book in particular caught her interest.

"Would you mind if I borrowed this one, Kevin?"

He drew to a standstill beside her to see which one she had chosen. He grinned and nodded.

"Go right ahead. That is the book that set me on the course of becoming a psychiatrist. It's very entertaining as well as instructive. It teaches the four temperaments. I think you'll find it very informative regarding what drives us to react the way we do in any given circumstance."

"Thanks, Kevin."

He watched her walk to the door and reach for the knob then turn back to him.

"It wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be. You're very well read, Kevin. You could probably teach me a thing or two."

Laughing at the bone she was throwing his way, he threw one right back.

"Nice talking to you, counselor. It's refreshing to have such an intelligently determined patient to deal with on occasion."

They both laughed in unison as she left his office to return to her suite.