The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 48

"What are you doing here, Sonny?"

"Alexis, you asked me to meet you here at 10:00 this morning."

"Don't be obtuse, Sonny. You know what I mean. Why is it that every time I turn around these days I run into you? In case you've forgotten, which I know you probably haven't; that would of course have been my excuse since I've recently found myself ensconced in a mental institute, but in any case even though I've just been reintroduced to the past year of my life I do seem to recall that we haven't exactly been on the best of terms lately."

"Breathe, Alexis."

Sighing in exasperation she inhaled deeply. Alexis awakened that morning in a state of anxiousness. Her dreams had been filled with Sonny. Memories of moments they shared together. Of dancing... of laughter and forgotten dreams... of valentines... of gardenias and coffee... of softly spoken words heavy with hidden meaning... Of eyes that reached into her soul and into the recesses of her heart searching for truths that had lain dormant for a lifetime.

But for every precious dream a nightmare quickly followed. Nightmares of how Sonny dealt with the problems of his life, of a temper unable to be controlled and the ever present nightmare of Carly hanging over her. She awakened in a cold sweat more than once as Carly's abusive words, threats and manipulations chased her from sleep with anger pouring off her.

As she stepped outside the building a few hours later to meet Sonny, the sun was hidden behind a mass of gray clouds and the air smelled of rain. Clouds heavy with moisture threatened to unload their burden at a moment's notice. Pulling her lightweight jacket tighter to ward off the slight chill in the air, she began the walk that would carry her to him. He was out there waiting for her. Her step slowed as she reached up to lay a hand upon her child. And one question alone stilled her heart. 'What does he want from me this time? I promise you, my little one, I will keep you safe.'

"We're friends, Alexis. At least we were. I've always tried to be available when you needed me. But, the last time you needed me I wasn't there... but I am now."

Stealing a glance at him sitting beside her she relived the moment he walked back across the hall to his undead wife leaving her to stand there alone facing a room full of an emptiness only his presence could fill. She had wanted desperately for him to take her in his arms and tell her again that everything would be ok. She needed to hear those words again... needed to know that what they shared together had meant as much to him as it did to her. She remembered wanting to reach out and touch him, to run her fingers along the slant of his cheek... wanting to see his smile... hear his laughter again as she had the morning after their night together. But rather than take from him what he felt he needed, she had stood there quietly shouldering a loss so devastating that her love of the spoken word failed her. She stood there alone... silent... waiting for the sound of the door closing behind him to tell her he was gone.

She put her life back together as best she could and shelved her feelings for him quite effectively until the realization came that she was carrying his child. The question of whether to enlighten him or not had been decided the moment she heard his conversation in the hall with Jason. A conversation that finally forced her to take off the rose colored glasses she had been wearing where he was concerned.

"You chose the life you wanted, Sonny. I am not your responsibility and frankly that suits me just fine. I wouldn't want to take a chance that you would turn on me in the same manner you turned on Zander. It's common for me to have to watch my back when it comes to my family. It wouldn't be my first choice to have to add you to that list."

"Ok, Alexis. I get that you're upset with me. But, this is not helping either one of us."

"I'm not here to help you, Sonny. I'm just trying to get my life back. A life I might add free from the dangers of yours."

"You accused me of turning on Zander; isn't that what you're doing to me right now? You do not have all the facts. What happened to not judging a person until you have all the facts? You used to be pretty good at it. You're not kidding me here, Alexis. You're attacking me just so you can keep your real feelings under lock and key."

"What in the hell are you talking about, Sonny? What feelings? We were friends... you changed... we're not anymore. Those are the facts. Feelings have nothing to do with it."

"NO. You only have part of the facts. You seem to be conveniently forgetting that we shared a hell of a lot more than that. Is this really how you want this conversation to go, Alexis?"

"I want to know why you changed. I want to know why you abandoned the man I knew you to be or is it just that you became tired of the day to day deception and finally gave in to the real Sonny Corinthos."

Her words weren't rational. She knew she was pulling words out of thin air. She knew it, but she was fighting for her child, for herself. She needed to protect them both from Sonny.

"You want to know what happened?" You really want to know, Alexis? Ok, I'll tell you. You... you happened. You turned your back on me. Walked out. Moved out. Whatever you want to call it!"

"Oh no you don't. You are not going to lay this at my feet. You are a grown man capable of making grown up decisions. You started letting the demons run your life again. One of these days you're going to have to face them Sonny and get rid of them."

"Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black."

Sighing heavily, Sonny watched helplessly as Alexis shut down on him. He went too far. As he saw her shift on the bench to put a little more distance between them he got up and took a couple of steps away to help her in her attempt to physically escape his closeness. But, he had to keep her listening to him... needed her to hear what he had to tell her.

"Are you trying to see just how much you can throw at me before I'll get enough of it and leave? If that's what you're aiming at, Alexis, it's not going to happen. I'm through running and I'm through trying to survive my days without my friend. I know now how you really feel about me and I'm through dancing around it."

Alexis grew very still watching him with a false veneer of coldness. Fear of what he could say regarding her feelings for him mounted steadily threatening the tenuous grasp she had on her composure. This conversation was not going as she planned it. As usual, being with him, being close to him, having her love for him so close to the surface took away her ability to remain focused. All she could do to keep him at arms length was to play the game they learned so well. She deflected, danced and dodged.

"I don't even know exactly how I feel about you anymore, how could you possibly have a clue?"

"Because when I found out you were here, I went a little nuts."

"A little nuts? Johnny tells me you attacked him. Has it all come down to that with you now? You don't like something so you either put out an order against someone or you go after them yourself... regardless of what they mean or have meant to you. I don't know you anymore, Sonny."

She watched him walk back toward her and cringed at the look on his face. She was familiar with that look. She had hurt him with her last comment. Looking into his eyes she saw how much she hurt him. As he drew closer he knelt beside her and lay his arm along the back of the bench and looked into her eyes pleading with her to hear him with a voice breaking with emotion.

"Yes, you do. You do know me and I know you. I just got lost for a while. But, I finally found what I was looking for. And that's when I realized how you felt about me."

"Look Sonny, I'm glad you think you've had some sort of epiphany or something. But, regardless of what you think you may know... things are not as they once were. So, if you have a point to make, then please get to it."

Sonny stood and took his place beside her on the bench again. He turned so that he could face her fully and smiled.

"Can I please ask for a little patience here, Alexis. This is not easy for me."

Sonny looked down at her hands that lay clenched tightly in her lap and felt the need of her touch. So leaning forward slightly, he reached toward her and firmly pulled one of her hands into the warmth of his. As he felt her try to withdraw he tightened his grip a little until she relaxed then continued with what he wanted to say.

"I needed my friend to help me deal with things and she was gone. I needed you, Alexis and you were gone. Something happened and you landed here. So much time passed without me seeing you... without us talking... I didn't know what happened until Johnny came to see me. I wanted to help, but there was nothing I could do. Kevin asked me to come here and help him try to understand what was going on with you that would cause you to run so far inside that beautiful head of yours that you got lost and couldn't find your way back. Do you remember that day I asked you if I had lost you too? Well, I did eventually lose you and I needed to find you again. And since you were here... I had to find another way to find enough of what I knew of you to help me figure some things out. So I began searching for you and the first place I went was to 'Briarton-Griggs'.

"You went where?"

"I went to Briarton. It was the first place I could think of to go because it's where you first came to when you came to the states. I even talked to your head mistress. Do you believe she's still there and remembers you?"

"You talked to Ms. Clayton?"

"Yep. Ms. Martha Clayton, who remembers you fondly and she even invited me back to have lunch with her someday."

"So you charmed your way into Briarton."

Alexis was having trouble maintaining her determination to stay calm and reserved. Why? Why would he go to such lengths? Shifting slightly she tried to pull her hand from his and again met his resistance. She needed room... air... space. She looked up and let the vastness of the heavens... their openness calm her anxiety somewhat and she took a deep breath and released it slowly. The conversation was becoming too much to handle. It was getting too close, too uncomfortable and much too easy to buy into. In some part of her heart she wanted to sever their tie, but her memories of him, the physical presence of him by her side now and the magnetism of him stood in the way making it impossible for her to stay on course.

"I went from there to Carnegie Hall and sat in the same box seat that I thought you would have sat in all those years ago. I tried to remember the color of the uniforms the girls were wearing the time I took my mother there. For some reason it became important for me to know where they were from."

Carnegie Hall. He went back to Carnegie Hall... a place that still held a part of his heart. He was placing her in the same memory that held his mother. She stood abruptly tearing her hand from his and walked a few steps away from him mentally chiding herself. 'No, I won't let him do this to me. Not again. Focus, Alexis. He broke your heart. He'll do it again.'

"Why... Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I need you to know. I went to the places that I felt had special meaning to you and me. When I left Carnegie, I went back to Puerto Rico and retraced our footsteps through the casino. You told me then we would be friends till the end. Are you giving up on me, Alexis?"

Hiding her face from his so he couldn't see her tears, she took a few steps more and leaned against the trunk of the big oak tree that she had awakened under just a few short days ago. She rested against its strength. Puerto Rico seemed a lifetime ago and she wanted to leave it there. Needed to leave it there. She had flown that night. Just as she and Sonny had watched the squirrels fly through the air from limb to limb, from tree to tree. She had finally felt the freedom of letting herself go and experiencing something new. Sonny gave her the opportunity. Sonny had always been there to support her, to comfort her... he always tried in his own way to shield her from the ugliness of their respective lives.

Sonny watched as she turned back toward him with a face full of anguish and the remnants of tears hastily wiped away. He stood and walked toward her. At her step backward away from him, he stopped.

"This is all real interesting, Sonny. But it's pointless. Those two people don't exist any more."

"Please don't say that, Alexis. I need to believe those two people do still exist. I need to know that there is still hope for us."

"Go home, Sonny. Go home to your wife."

Sonny blanched as she repeated the words he had listened to so many months ago. He should have stayed with her that day. How could he have been so foolish?

"She's gone. If I ever lay eyes on her again... well I'd have to find a lawyer to defend me on murder charges. Would you come if I called you, Alexis?"

Although he was attempting to be facetious, Alexis could tell he was dead serious. How many times had she been on this road with him? Too many to count at this point and she knew without a doubt that she did not want to open herself up to the loss and hurt of it all again.

"I believe we've already established the fact that I will not defend you against a charge of assault or murder. But, I'm quite sure it wouldn't come to that. You two have perfected that particular routine. And to be quite honest, I don't want any part of it again... ever."

"It's not like that, Alexis. I'm through with her."

"Save it, Sonny. I've heard it too many times before."

"Jason took her out of the country. She has been told that if she ever shows up here again, I will kill her."

Alexis had been watching a couple of redbirds chase each other, but at hearing his last words she whipped around and starred at him as he finished his thought.

"So, if she ever turns up dead, you have enough ammunition now to send me to prison for life. You know now that I... how did you say it... know that I have intent."

Laughing derisively she walked back to the bench and sat down shaking her head in disbelief as Sonny followed her.

"I wonder where we would be now if you had listened to me when I first suggested that Jason take her out of the country?"

"You probably wouldn't be sitting here right now listening to me plead a case that should have been settled a long time ago."

It was not an answer she was expecting and the openness of it left her slightly unbalanced and a little breathless. He was trying to tell her something and as usual he was having difficulty expressing himself. Which let her know in no uncertain terms that it had to do with his feelings. She wanted to escape... to leave before he could pull her in again... but she couldn't. Her heart was firmly rooted in the soil of his words and her head had no control of the situation at all. Needing a little room to breathe, she returned to the subject of Carly... a subject that could effectively put a damper on any feelings of warmth and familiarity.

"So what did she do this time? Surely she wasn't insipid enough to go the FBI route again. Or was she, I mean the sheer stupidity of it would certainly fit."

"No, it was worse. She attacked you. I went a little crazy and Jason had to step in and remind me that if I went to prison for killing her, I wouldn't be able to come here any more and you wouldn't be free to defend me for the crime."

Alexis snickered derisively.

"So what made this time any different than any of the other times your wife verbally attacked or threatened me? I used to wonder if you had permanent cotton in your ears or if you were just deaf, dumb and blind where she was concerned. I finally decided it was the latter of the two. It was just that obvious."

"This time was different because I was different."

No matter how hard she tried to swing the conversation away from the two of them, he always pulled it right back. She needed a break. She needed time to think... regroup. But, how could she get away from him without alerting him to the fact that she was flustered... that he had gotten to her. As if on cue, the heavens opened to release a torrential downpour that left them both instantly drenched.

Whispering a quiet thank you toward heaven, she looked at Sonny and began backing away. Lifting her voice so he could hear her over the rain that was pelting them both, she told him she would call him later.

"Alexis, we can finish this in the cafeteria. We need to finish this."

"I need to get dried off, Sonny. I'll call you later and set up a time to finish our conversation."

She wasn't fooling him. As he watched her back away, he knew she was using the rain to escape him. Not wanting her to think she had gotten away with it, he smiled, nodded slightly and raised his hand to wave good-bye.

"For now, Alexis. You can run for now. The next time I won't make it so easy for you."

She hesitated for a fraction of a second at his words, then turned to run indoors to escape the rain and hopefully her feelings for the man who still held her heart... She couldn't stay... she couldn't take the chance of hurting him again. As the thought invaded her mind, she felt the now familiar intense pain of remembrance once again come over her. Her thoughts became chaotic and jumbled. A war raged between what her mind told her he had done to her and what her heart was trying to tell her she had done to him. And the pain deepened.

Rain ran in rivulets off him to puddle at his feet as a satisfied smile graced his face. It was a beginning. 'Next time, Alexis. Next time you will know.'