The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 43

"How is that temper of yours lately?"

"Not much to get angry about these days."

Having called a truce from the trouble of the previous afternoon, Kevin and Sonny met amicably to begin another session.

"Well, let's see if we can help you out a bit with that."

"So, you planning to set me off to see how I'll handle it?"

"Well that's not really my intention, but it could make a case for killing two birds with one stone."

"Ok. So shoot."

"In our previous conversations, you’ve never once mentioned your father. I was curious as to how he fits into your life."

Silence met his question. Watching Sonny closely, Kevin could see he had brought up an extremely difficult subject.

"If it causes this much concern on your part, then we need to deal with it, Sonny."

A sigh of resignation escaped Sonny. "Mike is... " He stood abruptly and crossed to the window. How could he deal with Mike? There was so much anger and resentment where he was concerned.

"Mike is what, Sonny?"

"An obligation I'd rather not have."

Kevin frowned. "Your father is an obligation? I think you are going to have to explain that for me, Sonny."

"He makes messes that I have to keep cleaning up."

Kevin stood and moved closer to Sonny so he could watch him more closely. The man's body was rigid and his face a mask of granite. He quietly prodded Sonny.

"I need the whole story if we're going to deal with this. I'm very aware now that it is a difficult issue with you. So let's work it out. Come on back and sit down. Tell me the story."

Sonny hesitantly followed Kevin back and sat on the sofa across from him. Leaning forward he dropped his head into his hands for a moment to try to pull himself together. Dealing with Mike was not going to be easy.

"I had a father once a long time ago. Come to find out, he loved the game more than he loved my mother and me. He left. Ran out on us. Years later he comes back and wants a 'relationship'. I don't have it to give him. I pull him out of his mess, I listen to his lies, I start to fall for his line and he pulls the rug out from under me again. Mike doesn't care about anything but the game."

Kevin sat for a moment piecing bits of information together then looked back at Sonny.

"So Mike plays daddy for a while then deserts you and your mother, the stepfather moves into the picture; you get beat for eight years and your mother dies as a result of the abusive relationship. That about sum it up?"

Becoming very restless, Sonny stood once again and walked to the window. Laying his hands on the windowsill, he bowed his head, released the air in his lungs and forced himself to stay calm.

"He never mentions her. I can't remember the last time I heard him say her name. I think I would probably hit him if he did."

It was the voice of a little lost boy remembering how much he once loved his mother and his father. Kevin waited knowing there was more to come.

"He wants to be a father now... after what I went through, after what she went through. He wants what I can't give him. He walked out on us and left us to be beaten and humiliated. Come to find out I wasn't the only one he abandoned. He destroyed more lives than just my mom and me. Seems he gets off on creating families then destroying them. Did you know I have a sister? Hell, I didn't even know it until a year ago. He did the same thing with her. He left her just like he left me and my mother."

"There's a lot you have a right to be bitter about, Sonny. But, is it getting you what you want? Is all of that bitterness helping you in any way?"

"As long as I keep him at arms length, he can't get to me anymore. I'm not going to let him get to me. I'm not. I'M NOT."

"Seems like he already is. Do you realize you have just crossed the line into that temper of yours? You're letting Mike dictate your responses. Ok, so the guy wasn't good father material. Are you?"

"I've never raised my hand against a kid. I've never walked out on a kid. I'm not like Mike or Deke."

"So you broke the cycle. Sonny, that in and of itself is phenomenal. Why let the failings of your father continue to weigh you down. You survived. Let that be enough and let the rest go."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I just can't."

"Could it be because you still love your father and wish he were what you needed him to be? And you're afraid he will let you down again if you allow him to become family again?"

Silence. Hard silence was all that met Kevin's question.

"Sonny?"

"We through here?"

"Do you need us to be?"

"Yeah."

"Fine. But, don't let it fester, Sonny. If you don't deal with it, it will never be resolved and you'll spend your life under the cloud of it. Never quite knowing the freedom a clear conscious can bring."

"Funny you should use that word."

"What word?"

"Freedom."

"That word mean something to you?"

"Alexis and I were discussing it... wondering what it would feel like."

"You two have quite a bit in common where your pasts are concerned and how you deal with it."

"I know. We don't discuss the past. It's best left in the dark where it belongs."

"Doesn't always stay there though, does it? Her past is coming at her again and it's coming hard. It's probably because of her sister, but since she has no knowledge that her sister was a part of her life in the last year she has no clue why the past is resurfacing."

"We don't have much time, do we?"

"For what?"

"Before she remembers it all."

"No, I don't think so. I think it's only a matter of days. With anyone else, I would have expected the normal 4 - 5 months, but not with Alexis. She's the most stubborn woman I've come across in a long time. I'm hoping that iron will and that stubbornness of hers will protect her once it all comes flooding back. And that is what I expect to happen."

"You don't think it will be gradual?"

"At first, bits and pieces. That's what's happening now. But, with the procedures she is currently applying to the situation... those bits and pieces are only going to be the filler for the actual return of her memory. And I believe it will be brought about suddenly by something very familiar and very close to her heart."

"We have any way of knowing how she will react?"

"You would know that a lot better than I would."

"I guess. Look, can we end this. I'd like to be around if Alexis decides to take a walk this morning."

"Sure, no problem. And Sonny... just one thing for you to think about! It is not your responsibility to see that the problems of the world and its inhabitants are solved. You have enough to deal with on your own without borrowing the troubles of others. Consider this as well... enabling them... helping them to continue a harmful pattern is both destructive to them as well as to you. If they have a problem and ask for your help... fine, help if you want... if it's beneficial to them and you are not harmed in the process. If they screw up and something goes wrong... it's their responsibility to clean up the mess, not yours. Leave the consequences of their actions on their doorstep. Let it go. Freedom is possible if you aren't carrying an impossible load."

Kevin could tell his words had hit home. Sonny had always tried to fix things. Sonny was the type that needed to fix anything that he felt was broken. And if family was involved, he barreled right through trying to put everything right regardless of whether his help was asked for or not. Sonny was yet to realize that he didn't have to always be doing something or fixing something to prove to his family that he loved them. If the truth be told, it was probably the only way he knew how to show his family he loved them.

"Thanks, Kev. See ya later."

"Later, Sonny."

Sonny left Kevin's office with a great deal on his mind. Did he want Mike around and had just been fighting it all his life? Was it worth all the upheaval Mike would bring into his life if he let him in? And what of Courtney? Would she have to suffer just as he did at the hands of Mike?

Finding his way outside he walked aimlessly thinking of the past, of the events Mike set into place by walking out. As the bitterness once again began to rise, Sonny answered the question that was always just a thought away. 'No, It's not worth it. It's not worth having to constantly be on edge waiting for the next disaster because he can't handle his own life. It's just not worth it. He's done enough damage. I can't help Courtney; she won't let me. All I can do is be there to pick up the pieces if he does pull one of his stunts.'

Looking up he found he was just reaching 'their' normal meeting place. Sitting down to hopefully wait for Alexis to show he resumed his thoughts.

'I would like to have a father I could talk to... someone wise enough to know how to deal with things. But, Mike will never be that man. He spent too much time behind a 'crap' table while life passed him by. Now all he knows is the game. He wouldn't know how to be a father if his life depended on it.'

Recognizing the familiar bitterness and resentment that always came when he thought of Mike, he suddenly realized what Kevin had been trying to tell him. The time that passed since he left Kevin's office was time wasted in dwelling on things he couldn't change; time that could have been spent more productively and without the stress of the negative emotion that certain things of his past always brought him. Let it go. That was Kevin's advice. Let it go. 'Ok Kev, we'll try it your way and see what happens.'

Looking down at his watch he was surprised to see that it was past lunchtime. He missed his opportunity to visit with Alexis if she had indeed been out that morning. Thinking maybe he could entice her to another walk he headed back toward the building and her suite.

Knocking on her door a few minutes later he found himself face to face with Joy who returned home moments before to find a note from Johnny saying he and Alexis would be out for a while.

"Is that wise... I mean taking her outside the grounds?"

"According to Johnny, they aren't going far and there is no danger in her coming into contact with anything or anyone that could harm her. Relax, Sonny. She's in good hands."

"I know. He's been great with her. I just wish... "

Taking him by the arm she pulled him into the room and closed the door behind him.

"You just wish it could have been you instead of Johnny she woke up to. I know Sonny. Johnny has been giving me a little insight into the history you and Alexis share just in case I'm needed medically. So, I know more than what you think I do. And the thing I need to tell you is... you and I have something in common. We're both a little on the outside of this bond those two share. But, there's also something else we have in common. Interested?"

"Definitely. I'm interested in anything that will help me get a little more involved in all of this."

"Come on then. We can talk while you help me get ready for their return. I'm setting up a party in honor of Alexis and the progress she has made. Neither one of them know what I'm up to and I could use your help. I don't know exactly how long they will be gone so any help would be greatly appreciated."

"I'm all yours."

Leading Sonny into the living room she handed him some crepe paper and showed him where she wanted it and how she wanted it hung then began to elaborate on the conversation she started a few moments before.

"You and I are the ones they will come home to at the end of the day once Alexis has everything in place and understands it all. Johnny tells me that you and she were not necessarily on speaking terms when she was brought here. But, I don't think that is as bad as you probably think it is. Look, I may be stepping out of line here, but I think you need to see something. Drop that and come here a minute. I saw this when I came in a while ago and I know enough about Dr. Collins work to know what she's up to."

Joy led Sonny into Alexis' bedroom where the bulletin board was.

Reading the notes Alexis had mounted on the board clued him into where she was in her memories.

"Some of it is out of order, but she's on the right track. I wonder if she would mind me replacing the cards in the actual order they occurred?"

"Maybe at some point, but I don't think it would be wise right now. It's probably not a good idea for her to know that you've seen this yet. I only showed it to you so you could see how adamant she is in pulling all of this together as quickly as possible and that you are the prime focus here."

"Looks that way."

"What I'm hoping you also see is that this board is confirming that you were a major part of her life. It will be up to you, I think, to make sure she sees the good parts as well. There were good parts, weren't there?"

"Yes. In fact there were things... things that happened that I overlooked or misread that she would have probably focused on more than I would have given the circumstances we found ourselves in."

"See that is what you may have to help her with in the beginning. Reminding her of those things when all of the bad stuff starts weighing her down. Your part in all of this has not been one of importance so far. But, once she remembers the last year... it's going to be up to you to help her deal with all of it. But, you need to be prepared for something."

Taking hold of his arm lightly she turned his attention away from the board to her.

"Sonny, you need to be prepared for her initial reaction once her memory comes back."

"What do you mean?"

"She will probably go running to Johnny first. But, don't let it get to you. So far it's been Johnny who has kept her grounded. Just give her some time to catch her breath so to speak, then she'll probably come looking for you."

"I don't mind telling you, Johnny's beginning to get on my nerves. What happens if she falls for him?"

"Not going to happen. Johnny's spoken for and Alexis knows it and is happy for us."

"So, you got him wrapped up. Glad to hear it. Johnny deserves the best."

"Why thank you. Now, how about we finish up the decorations?"

"Ok, then I think I'll disappear for a while... maybe go into town and check on things."

"You're welcome to stay for the party, Sonny."

"No, I think maybe it would be a better party for her if I'm not around making her uncomfortable. If she asks, tell her I'll see her in the morning. And Joy, thanks for the insight. It helps."