The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 41

"So, just how much do you know about me?"

Alexis found Sonny sitting on her favorite bench and as she drew nearer she felt the oddest sensation that he was waiting for her. Now knowing that they were once friends made her more hesitant in her approach. As he heard her footsteps she saw him turn toward her and smile expectantly. Catching sight of the smile that lit his face, she wavered. Her desire to talk with him was in danger of being overshadowed by her fear of not knowing what she was walking into. He knew her. They had been friends. Were they still friends? Was she the friend he was talking about earlier? So many unanswered questions... The decision to stay or to go was not a hard one. She needed answers. She stayed.

"Are you sure you're ready for me to answer that, Alexis?"

"Whether I am or not is of no consequence. I need to know before we continue. You have me at a disadvantage and that's not something I feel comfortable with."

"Well, I know you well enough to know that if I don't answer you honestly then I'm through before I ever get started. I know you well enough to know that if you don't feel in control of this situation, then you are going to leave me sitting here cooling my heels while you run for the hills."

Feeling the panic rise within her, Alexis stood and took a few steps away knowing she was losing her ability to breathe evenly. She jumped slightly as she again saw a paper bag appear out of nowhere.

"Breathe, Alexis."

Turning to face him she took the bag from him and held onto it just in case. Bowing her head not able to look him in the eye she asked the question that held the answer she was most afraid of.

"It... it was me, wasn't it?"

"Excuse me?"

"I was the friend you were talking about earlier... wasn't I?"

His voice was low, full of regret, full of loss.

"Yes."

"What happened, Sonny?"

Gently taking her elbow he led her back to the bench and waited for her to sit before joining her. He knew she would eventually ask the question, but today was not the day he had expected it. It was too soon.

"You and I have a connection that we never expected to have. If what I suspect is true then you have already felt it or you wouldn't be here now. Before we go on, I need to know if that's true. Have you felt it?"

"Yes. And I don't understand it given I have no memory of you at all. There's just this... pull."

"I know. It's the same with me. But, there is something more important to me at stake here. I made mistakes with you. Mistakes that I cannot go into yet, because they have the ability to hurt you. I won't do that again. So, I'm asking you to please drop this line of questioning for now. You will have all of your questions answered in time. But there is just too much danger in what lies behind us for me to start laying it all out there for you right now."

Alexis stood once again to put space between them. She did feel the pull between them, but even the mystery of it could not out weigh the fear it brought to her as well. And now he was asking her to stop questioning him. Defiantly she turned on him.

"How am I supposed to carry on a conversation with you when our memories are so unevenly matched? It is becoming clear to me that you know a whole lot more about me than anyone else has ever known before. That fact alone gives you power over me. I'm not so easy to get along with someone that has that kind of power over you. And from the way you were talking about your 'friend' earlier, which you have now identified as me, then it's pretty likely that the word 'hurt' is an understatement. How do I know that it won't happen again? What is it that you can lay on the negotiating table that would endear me to continue this... whatever this is?"

"Look, none of this is going to be easy, especially for you. How about I offer suggestions of questions you would need to know the answers to in order to understand the depth of the friendship we had at one time?"

"Wouldn't it make more sense for you to just give me the answers to the questions without going through the charade."

"Can you trust me on this, Alexis?"

As the word came from his mouth a searing white hot pain shot through the side of her head and groaning she leaned forward holding her head in her hands.

"You have a place in my life... I trust you."

"And that costs me."

"Alexis? Alexis . . . what is it? Tell me. What is it?"

Raising her head as the pain passed she tried to focus on Sonny's face but for the first time since the pains began her vision was slightly blurred. The pain more intense this time than ever before, but it brought a vision with it. She saw herself in her penthouse living room talking with someone. Talking to someone… As her sight cleared so did the face in her vision. It was him. It was Sonny she was talking to. She moved away from him a few steps more then looked back.

"We were friends. We were good friends. And... and... we talked. All the time."

"Yes, we did."

"So... why am I having a problem with the word trust? It's been a point of contention ever since I... came back. Can you enlighten me on that at least?"

"Without getting into things better left on the shelf for now, let's just say I let you down."

"You can't leave it there Sonny and expect me to just accept it. I need more. You want me to trust you, but you're not giving me anything to base it on."

It was tearing at him that he couldn’t give her everything she wanted. She was desperate for answers… answers that only he could provide. But as much as he wanted to help her, he also knew what she was headed for… she would once again have to face that, in the end, she wasn’t able to trust him as much as she thought she could and it caused her a lot of pain.

"I know, Alexis. There's just too much that can hurt you at this point. Please, let me try to do this in a way that won't hurt you anymore. I've done enough damage to you. I don't want to be the cause of any more hurt. Please don't ask me to."

"Do you not understand what you're asking of me? You're asking for blind faith from me knowing that you've hurt me in the past. You're not giving me how it happened or to what degree or any of the circumstances around it. You're just asking me to step out on a limb here with no net to catch me should I fall."

"I know, Alexis. I know what I'm asking. And I know what it's going to take for you to take that step. It goes against every fiber in you. You don't trust easy. You never have. And it stems from a life full of hurt, abandonment, pain and fear. Let me be your net. I won't fail you again. You have my word, Alexis. If you fall, I will be here to catch you."

She looked at him suddenly with horror.

"You know. You know about Helena, my father... the way I grew up... you know, don't you?"

"Yes."

Should he? Should he let her know just how much she had trusted him at one point? Knowing it was the only way to convince her he lowered his voice to an almost whisper thinking it would help the impact.

"And I know about your mother. You trusted me once, Alexis. Let me prove to you that you can again."

Watching her, he saw the tears begin and stood slowly. Cautiously walking toward her he took a chance. Lifting his arms hesitantly, he gently took hold of her and stepped closer. He wrapped his arms around her loosely not wanting her to become alarmed at his closeness. She immediately stiffened and started to draw back then stopped. Feeling as if he had made a mistake and intruded into her private space he started to lower his arms but froze when he felt her hands settle at his side and her head come to rest lightly on his shoulder. Afraid of causing any more distress he simply stood there quietly holding on to her while she wept. He would let her make the next move.

His touch sparked a feeling within her that she couldn't define. Standing there within the circle of his arms she had at first felt an overpowering need to retreat, but something stopped her. The longer she allowed his arms to stay around her, the more she wanted to rest in the comfort they offered. In order for him to know of her mother, they must have been quite close at one time. She felt him begin to let go and an enormous sense of loss engulfed her. Needing him to hold her just a moment longer, she placed her hands at his side and leaned forward just a bit to lay her head on his shoulder. Somehow it felt right and even as she acknowledged the feeling, it brought more tears; tears of frustration that she couldn't remember their friendship.

They stood together a few moments longer then Alexis pulled away. Wiping away the tears from her eyes she turned slightly away from him embarrassed by them. Feeling his touch on her arm, she glanced sideways at him, then immediately hid her face from him again.

"Alexis, you've cried on my shoulder before. There's nothing to be embarrassed or afraid of here. Come sit with me. I need to talk to my friend."

Alexis followed him back to the bench and sat down beside him.

"This is not easy for me, Sonny."

"I know. Things are totally out of control and it frightens you."

Smiling just a little she glanced at him shyly.

"You really do know me."

"And even though you don't know it yet. You know me just as well if not more. And that's what I want to talk to you about. I want to try to rebuild for you what you knew of my past. Kind of clue you in on how I grew up so we'll be a little more evenly matched in our knowledge of each other. That's what I meant by my offering the kind of questions you would probably want to ask in first learning about someone. Hopefully in the process we can help each other out. You up for it?"

Shrugging her shoulders with a slight nod of her head she mentally put her foot out on a limb that looked shaky at best and miles away from solid ground. Looking into eyes filled with care and promise she answered timidly with a hint of a smile that never reached her eyes. She was hesitant and afraid of what she didn't know. She was giving him power over her it seemed for the second time and she was terrified.

"Ok, here I am... stepping out on a limb. But remember, you promised to catch me if I fall, sport."

"Right. Now, I guess I should probably start where our friendship, in my opinion, began in earnest. I needed some legal advice and it led to my telling you about my childhood. My mother remarried when I was eight to a guy who liked to beat on women and children. Which is a large part of why I am now spending time with one of the docs here. It has a direct bearing on the temper issues that you and I both think I need to resolve."

"You and I both? I've talked to you about your temper... wait. I have. You like to break things."

It was there all of a sudden. The image was clear and real.

"It was you. You were there. After Helena kidnapped me. You forced me to break a vase and it escalated from there until I could finally reach a release of what she put me through. You stayed with me."

"Yes. I didn't think you were handling it too well and I wanted to help. And the only way I had ever found any kind of a release was to lash out at things... or people. I've never been any good at expressing myself, so I break things. I'm learning that it's not always the best way to deal with my problems."

Worried that things were going too fast, he leaned toward her and put his arm behind her along the back of the bench.

"Alexis, a lot of ground has been covered in a very short time and it concerns me. I need to know how you're doing. You've got the shade pulled down some and it's a little difficult to read how you're handling this. I need some help here."

"To be honest I'm a little shaky. I've never let anyone get as close to me as you seem to have gotten. That scares the daylights out of me. I don't understand how you got into my head so deeply. Stephan, my brother, doesn't even know me as well as you seem to. It is very disconcerting and I have to admit it's causing me to question the saneness of my mind in the past even more. You can hurt me with what you know. Seriously."

Leaning toward her a little more to make his point, Sonny gave her a little ammunition of her own.

"Yes, I could hurt you with what I know. But, you can also hurt me, counselor."

The revelation left her breathless. His attorney. Surely not. It couldn't be. Yet looking at him, she needed him to say it. Put words to it.

"I was your attorney as well as your friend?"

"Yes. But I need you to understand that the only reason I told you that was so that you will know we were equal in what we knew of each other. That's as far as I am willing to go at this point though and I need you to leave it there for your own safety."

"I'll agree... for now. I need some time to process all of this. Can we try a lighter topic of conversation for awhile? I'm a bit on overload at the moment."

"I think it's a good idea. In fact, as much as I hate to suggest it, you might need a breather from me for awhile."

Looking at him and studying him... taking in the simple sight of him... his face, his eyes... she found she didn't want to leave yet. Even with what she now knew... she found she was beginning to lean on him more for the truths of her past. Her instincts were telling her that he wanted nothing more than to see that she regained control of her memory, her life and their friendship. She could clearly see how important their friendship had been to him.

"Not yet, Sonny. Not yet."

Sitting together under the big oak tree that she had awakened under, Alexis couldn't help but feel she was beginning a new era of her life. One, it seemed, that would again include the man who sat quietly beside her. The man she was beginning to learn again. A hint of excitement mingled with her uncertainty as she stole a glance at him. The man she knew simply as . . . Sonny.

chapter 42