The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 38

It was amazing to her that she had just finished a meal consisting of a chicken and pasta salad with crackers and a dish of fresh fruit accompanied by a tall glass of iced tea. Sitting back from the table she absently caressed her child and smiled.

"That was absolutely delicious. How in the world did you do it?"

Sonny, watching her every move, wondered if it were possible to love her any more than he did in that moment. She looked content for the first time in a long time. He watched transfixed as she stretched and caressed his child. Noticing that she was becoming self-conscious at his perusal of her, he returned to the conversation.

"I love to cook. It's the creation process that I enjoy so much. How much of this, what will it taste like if I add that, this spice or that spice? It's kind of like a painter painting a picture. There are colors that you know will work, but every once in a while you add a totally unexpected color and you get totally different aspect of what you envisioned and it becomes a masterpiece. Also, it's a great way to work off tension."

"Well, since I totally stink at the cooking issue, maybe I should try painting. At least it would cut down on the cost of homeowner's insurance.” Alexis suddenly stopped and frowned. “Hmmm, that's odd. I feel like I've done this before."

"Done what?"

"I don't know. It's just a sense of 'déjà vu' or something like that. Never mind. It'll pass. Besides I'm enjoying myself and I don't want anything to intrude that might disturb us."

They sat for a moment in companionable silence then Alexis invited him into the living room to chat for a while. Sonny began to feel a bit restless so offered an alternative instead.

"Wouldn't you rather take a walk? There's a breeze blowing and you can feel the change in seasons coming on. Fall is well on its way and the trees are beginning to change color."

There was such a look of anticipation on his face that she couldn't resist his suggestion.

"That sounds lovely."

Several minutes later they were walking along enjoying the afternoon's gift of sun, fresh air and companionship. They walked side by side quietly listening to the rustle of the leaves in the trees and watched in fascination as squirrels jumped from limb to limb enjoying their freedom. A curious look fell across Alexis’ face.

"I wonder what it must feel like to do that?"

Sonny followed her gaze as she watched a squirrel travel from limb to limb on one tree then sail through the air to land on the limb of another tree close by. He knew exactly what she was referring to.

"I don't know. That kind of freedom is an alien concept to me. I can honestly say that I would like to know just once in my life what that kind of abandon feels like."

Alexis nodded her head in agreement surprised that they shared something so personal in common.

"I know what you mean. I am so sick of constantly being on guard. Calculating my every move, every word that comes out of my mouth. It is so stifling and I miss out on so much. I wonder how many good things I've missed in my life because I held back... afraid of what would happen or how I would be perceived. It just feels like I've wasted so much of my life."

Catching her elbow, Sonny smiled encouragingly at her and drew her toward a bench underneath a tree nearby. Sitting down beside her he turned to face her.

"What brought this on? What's wrong, Alexis?"

"I hit Johnny last night."

"Ok, wait a minute. One moment we're talking about freedom and the next you're telling me you hit Johnny. I need a little help here. What does one have to do with the other?"

Alexis studied Sonny for a moment before answering. Would he understand? Should she even talk to him about all of this? Mirroring him she turned slightly to face him and gazed into his eyes. There was nothing but concern... no deceit, no ulterior motive, no curiosity other than what a genuine concern would constitute. He wanted nothing more that just to listen.

"There are things that have happened to me in my past that cause a great deal of distress if I don't keep them in their rightful place. If for some reason I lose control of my ability to keep them buried, they have the power to take away my grip on reality. I woke up fighting those demons last night and Johnny has the bruise on his face to prove it. I never wanted to hurt anyone in all of this... least of all Johnny. He has been so good to me, but it's getting to be a bit too much. Every time I turn around, he's standing there. It's like he's waiting for me to fall so he can catch me. I know he doesn't mean it like that, but that's what it feels like. And I don't want to hurt him anymore. But, I'm afraid that I'll say something in one of my unguarded moments that will truly hurt him."

"Alexis, where are you right now?"

At her total look of confusion, he elaborated on his question.

"Compared to two weeks ago, where are you now?"

"Well, I can tell you where I'm not. I'm not floating around in some black hole while time passes me by. But, even in saying that, I am reminded that life is still out there passing me by."

"Is it? I mean are you sure life is passing you by?"

"What do you mean, Sonny?"

"Take my hand, Alexis."

Hesitating a single brief moment she did as he requested.

"Feel that?"

"What?"

"Life. Life is connecting... life is figuring things out... life is sitting here and being aware that you're alive. Life is working to get from one moment to the next and enjoying the fact that you have friends who care enough to help you along the way."

"But, I had a life out there. It wasn't the best, but it was productive. My life held purpose. How can that compare to the existence I have now?"

"You don't think you have a purpose now? You have more purpose now than you've ever had before. You have a child to bring into this world... to raise and love. But before you can do that you have a bigger purpose to fulfill."

Looking down at her hand that still lay in his, she watched as a single tear dropped and landed on their two clasped hands. She absently brought her other hand up to wipe away the tear and he caught hold of it with his other.

"Alexis, look at me."

He waited a moment for her to look up.

"You have to take care of the business at hand first. And that is yourself. You have to deal with the demons once and for all and then get rid of them. Only you can give them power over you. You can do this, Alexis."

Taking one hand from his grasp she wiped away her tears then lay her hand back in his. His touch was so comforting to her. She felt safe with him here and as a niggling sense of wariness began to rise in the back of her mind, she pushed it away and re-centered her attention on the man in front of her.

"How do you know so much about demons?"

"I have a few of my own I'm trying to exorcise. I'm finding it's not so easy as it sounds. But, I have help and I would suggest you try to get a little help also. But, that's just a suggestion. Some demons have a way of attacking when you least expect it if they're not adequately chained."

Looking up at his sweet face, Alexis felt more at ease than she had in a long time. She wanted to help him as much as he was trying to help her.

"Care to talk about it... I mean I've had enough of the trials of Alexis Davis for one afternoon. I could use a diversion... so, you have an audience if you'd like. And discretion isn't just another word in the dictionary for me. That attorney/client privilege thing works great for friends as well."

"I'm not so sure you need to hear my problems on top of the ones you've got."

"Like I said, Sonny... I could use the diversion and you seem to need a sounding board. Look, I just unloaded a lot into your lap... the least you could do is return the favor. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I had taken unfair advantage of your willingness to listen to my ramblings. I've always hated it when I felt I was imposing on someone."

"It was no imposition. It helps talking or in this case listening to you. I don't think I spend enough time listening as it is. Maybe if I had listened more, I would still have my best friend around."

"What happened, Sonny?"

Moving awkwardly, Sonny realized he inadvertently steered them into dangerous territory. He needed to stage a quick retreat and get the conversation headed in another direction.

"Have you any idea how long you're going to be here?"

"Do you do that a lot?"

"What?"

"Deflect the conversation when it gets too uncomfortable? You must have really done a bang up job on that friend of yours."

"Bout time for your 'parents' to come home isn't it?"

Laughing with him she stood.

"Actually, you're probably right. And you're off the hook for now. But, sooner or later... you're going to have to do some sharing of your own. If we're going to continue being each other's sounding board it has to work both ways, sport."

"Sport?"

"Yeah. Sport."

Turning to go she looked back as Sonny called her name.

"Thanks for spending time with me today. It meant a lot."

"No, Sonny. Thank you. For listening to the ravings of a mad woman."

She was only partly teasing and he knew it.

"Anytime, sport. Anytime."

Laughing again she turned and left him standing alone watching her retreating back. His smile lit his face and his heart was lighter. She was on her way back. Growing serious he lifted a silent prayer that when all was said and done... he would be forgiven and they would have a future to share together.