The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 37

Alexis remained in her room all morning except for going to the kitchen to fill her coffee cup twice. At Johnny's question of how she was this morning, she gave him a brief 'I'm fine' and went back to her room. They both knew she wasn't fine at all. Her night had been unbearable.

She awakened sometime around midnight screaming against the nightmares that were bombarding her. For some reason she could not fathom, her dreams turned from the events of the past year and were once again focused on her childhood, Helena and one small child who was lost to her forever.

She was ripped from sleep to find Johnny's arms around her trying to calm her and she fought against him desperately before reality finally brought her fully awake. He sat with her for an hour before she finally persuaded him to go back to his room. They both knew the night would no longer hold any rest for her, but she was unwilling to keep him from his rest. Johnny finally relented and went back to his room, but Alexis would never know that he spent the remainder of the night sitting on the side of his bed; his eyes trained on the small monitor beside him afraid to close his eyes lest she need him again.

When she went to get her first cup of coffee that morning she noticed a large bruise on his left cheek. Not wanting to talk about the night's events she glanced sideways at him and sincerely apologized for hitting him then went back to her room before he could see the tears that her actions against him caused.

As she sat gazing outside, she didn't realize that the tears were still finding their way down her cheeks. Too many memories were coming at her now. Memories that she wanted to remain buried... memories that left her feeling defeated and worthless... memories that left her alone; memories that took a lifetime to gain control over. Hearing a knock on her door her shoulders dropped slightly. She knew she would have to deal with Johnny sometime, but she wasn't ready to face him yet. She felt guilty for having a past so horrible that it would cause him harm simply by being in the same room with her. And to have to see the evidence of her fight against the demons of her past on his face was more than she wanted to face this morning. Resigned to the second more insistent knock on her door she went to let him in, but found Joy on the other side.

"Good morning, Alexis."

"Hi, Joy."

Joy could see by Alexis' stance that she didn't want any company this morning, but Joy knew that not only was Alexis hurting, but Johnny was as well and they needed to talk it out. She had come in to fix breakfast for them and found Johnny sitting at the table, head in hands and sporting a bruise the size of a baseball on his cheek. When she asked who belted him. His response was simply, 'Alexis had another nightmare.' Looking at Alexis now, she could see the hesitancy in her and the guilt over what she had done to Johnny. But more than that, Joy could see that there was something else going on than just a memory loss.

"Can I come in for a minute, Alexis? I need to talk to you about something."

"Sure, come on in. I can't say I'll be of much help to you though. I don't seem to be of much good to anyone lately."

"Is that really what you think, Alexis?"

"Yes."

It was a quiet lost voice that met Joy's ears. This morning Alexis needed to be reassured that she had a place in this world... that her life had meaning. And Joy wanted to help her see it.

"My dad called yesterday. I thought you might be interested in why he called."

"Your dad? Why? Does he need an attorney again?"

"No, he needs a minister. When all that mess happened and he was sent to prison, my mom left him. But, it seems he has found someone to love again and wants to get married."

"Well, you know I'm happy for him, but what does that have to do with me?"

"Don't you see, Alexis? If you hadn't helped my dad he would still be in prison for a crime he didn't commit. Now he has his life back and he's found a woman who loves him no matter what happened in his past. You made a difference in my dad's life and I can't remember the last time I saw him this happy."

"Joy, I'm glad for your dad. But, the woman who helped your dad is gone. I can't remember who she became over the last year and I don't know who I am anymore. If I'm not Alexis Davis, Attorney at Law; or Alexis Davis, champion of the underdog; or capable, independent, competent Alexis Davis... Then who am I? Does that make any sense to you? Because believe me, I'm having a real problem with it."

Joy put her arms around Alexis and held her for a moment before continuing.

"That woman is still here. Right here in this room. You are still all of those things and a whole lot more. Being able to see that part of yourself is just clouded right now by a lot confusion, lost memories and fear of the unknown. But, don't you dare think for one minute that you are unable to make a difference in the lives of the people around you. You already have. You not only made a difference in my dad's life, but you made a difference in Johnny's life. And I don't mean before you lost your memory. You've made a difference just since you've been here with us. I can't really tell you too much, because for one, it's Johnny's story to tell; and secondly because you two did know each other in the past and I can't open that up. But, what I can tell you is that because of you, Johnny's life is more than he ever expected it to be. His life has changed for the better and he feels really free to be himself again. He told me that for the first time in his adult life, he is who he always wanted to be."

Alexis’ face was filled with shock and confusion.

"How did I have anything to do with it?"

"Because of you he made a decision that changed his life. Because he admired the person you are, he wanted to make something more of his life. So he came here to help you. He doesn't know what he will do once you're well enough to leave, but he figures that you'll have some ideas he can look into. He trusts you and he believes in you. And there's something else, Alexis."

Joy gently led Alexis over to sit with her on the foot of the bed.

"You did something wonderful for me, Alexis."

"Joy, you and I have not had that much interaction. I haven't done anything for you. It's you that's been here for me day after day making sure I eat properly and stay healthy; not to mention all that you did for me while I was in 'la la' land. I owe you so much more than I could ever repay."

Joy smiled and took Alexis' hands in her own.

"You brought Johnny to me. You brought love into my life at a time when I was on the verge of giving up. Johnny is more than I ever could have hoped for and if it weren't for you, he would never have come here. It is I that owe you, Alexis. And I will always count you as the most influential person of my life. I have always admired your choice of career, your courage, your integrity... you are one of those rare women who make women like me proud to be a woman. And I have seen so much more of you in the last few days that just reaffirms my admiration. So you have to know that you are a gift to me as well as to Johnny."

"I hit him, Joy."

Joy watched the tears run freely down Alexis' cheeks as the guilt and hurt of what she had done to Johnny engulfed her once again.

"No, Alexis. You did not hit Johnny. You were fighting against the nightmares and Johnny just happened to get in the way. You need to talk to him. You both need to talk to each other. Don't let this get blown out of proportion. Right now he feels that he is failing what he considers to be his goal in life... You. I don't want to pressure you or put any expectations on you, but right now you both need each other. You need him as a mediator between the past and the present and he just needs you to be his friend. According to him, he doesn’t have that many."

Alexis wiped the tears from her face and hugged Joy.

"I think he got the best when he chose you, Joy. Thank you for coming to talk with me. I guess I needed a woman's point of view to get me on the right track this morning. Now, why don't we go find this charmer of yours and see what we can do about cheering him up. Although, I do think you could accomplish that feat all on your own."

Giggling the two women linked arms and went in search of Johnny. Finding him still in the kitchen they stood on each side of him and hugged him tightly.

Blushing profusely at the attention, Johnny looked at Joy then at Alexis.

"What's going on? You two look like you're up to something. Whatever it is, count me out. I'm not getting into one of those girl things ya'll are always cooking up. I draw the line at home-style make-overs or silly girl talk... catch my drift. Sorry, just not gonna go there. Two's company... three's a crowd."

Laughing at his quick retreat, Alexis sat down opposite from him.

"I couldn't agree more. Three is definitely a crowd. Why don't you two take off for a couple of hours... just the two of you? I'll be fine here for a while. In fact, I think I'll try to find that Sonny guy and see if he feels like bending my ear a little today."

Johnny looked at Alexis warily and then up at Joy who nodded.

"You actually think that's a good idea after... ? I mean... you know. It was a pretty difficult night. OUCH!"

Glaring at Joy, he couldn't believe she had just pinched him as hard as she did.

"Come on, Johnny. Alexis will be fine. Leave the woman to find a little peace on her own for a while. Besides, if she's ok to let you out of her sight for a few hours then that means I get you all to myself." Leaning down to whisper in his ear she brought a beautiful new blush to his face. "Now come on, don't get dense on me now."

Laughing Alexis rose from her chair and headed toward the kitchen door.

"You two are a sight for sore eyes. Johnny, I'm really ok. You and I are ok. Now go, have a good time and I'll see you when you get back. And don't worry, I have no intention of letting this brain of mine go into an overload today. I think I've had enough for now. So go and have a good time."

Looking at Joy, Alexis winked and mouthed a 'Thank you' just before leaving the room.

"Just what are you up to, Joy? Are you sure that leaving her is such a good idea. You weren't here last night. You didn't see what she went through. I'm telling you, the fear I saw in her last night sent chills down my back. It was tough."

"She needs some time alone, Johnny. And she needs to know that she can handle a few hours alone, by herself, without having someone watch her every move. Yes, she still needs you, but she also needs time to deal with everything and settle herself around what has to be accomplished here before she can leave. There is so much more going on with her than you could ever realize, sweetheart; things that she is not even fully conscious of yet. But, they are there. She is a single woman, with a child on the way. She's in an institution with no visible income coming in and no real clue of when she will be allowed to leave. That along with everything else that is going on with her... can you see the magnitude of what she’s really facing, Johnny?"

The immeasurable concern that was clearly evident on Joy’s face and in her voice told Johnny just how monumental the task was that faced his friend.

"How does she do it, Joy? How can anyone stand up under the load she is carrying? I'm not so sure I could carry it anywhere near as well as she is right now."

"I know... I'm pretty sure I'd fold under it too. I really do admire her spirit and her strength. I would love to know how she does it. Maybe she'll give me lessons or something."

Putting her arms around him she gazed up at him and felt her heart skip at the anguish she saw on Johnny’s face. It was time to step in and take care of Johnny for a while. He needed a break just as much as Alexis did. With a twinkle in her eye she tugged at him.

"What do you think? Should I ask our friend for a few lessons on how to take care of business without letting it get the best of you?"

Wrapping Joy in his arms he lifted her slightly off her feet and smiled at the glint in her eye. She was baiting him… trying to pull him out of the seriousness of their conversation. It was fine with him. He was ready for a little fun.

"No, I love you just the way you are. Now why don't we get our butts in gear and get out of here for a while like the boss told us to. I've got a terrific idea."

"Oh yeah, care to give me a hint."

"Nope. But, I'll race you to the truck."

"You're on."

Just as Joy let go of Johnny she stomped on his foot just enough to raise a yelp and a few hops then took off yelling over her shoulder.

"Last one there, has to buy lunch."

"No fair. You cheated."

A few moments later, Alexis stood at the window and watched Johnny and Joy race past her on their way to whatever surprise Johnny had in mind. She smiled and reached down to caress her child.

"Well, it's just you and me now, my little one. How about we start getting to know one another. I could tell you a few stories about your Uncle Stephan or your Cousin Nicholas. Then there's Jax. Oh, you are going to love your Uncle Jax. I wish I could tell you about your father, but I guess that is just going to have to wait until later. In order to be able to tell you about him, I would definitely have to know who he is in the first place. Boy, that really sounds bad, doesn't it. Well never mind, in time we'll both understand and deal with it. But for now, it's just you and me. We can do this ... and we can do it on our own!"

Pain caused her to grab the side of her head as a vision surfaced. She saw herself sitting in front of a fireplace saying those same words as she rocked back and forth. As she focused on the vision she felt a profound sense of being completely isolated come over her and fought the panic that began to rise. Quickly returning her thoughts to her child and the joy she felt at her little one's presence, the panic subsided.

"Well, that was easy. It seems all I have to do to calm myself is think about you, my little girl. Why didn't you tell me it was that easy? You shouldn't keep secrets from your mother this early in the game. Seriously though, you and I do not need to practice the keeping of secrets. We must always be honest with each other no matter the situation. We can handle any problem that arises if we know the facts and are honest with each other. I want to be the kind of mother to you that I always wanted to have. I will love you no matter what. Never doubt my love for you, little one."

___________________

He walked toward her suite with a confidence he didn't feel. This would be the first time he called on her in this manner in months. Sonny was anxious about what he was fixing to do. He ran into Johnny and Joy on their way out and found that Alexis would be alone for the next couple of hours. Johnny thought his idea of calling on Alexis may be just what she needed this morning.

"Don't upset her, Sonny. She had a very difficult night with the nightmares. But, maybe talking to you will get her mind off of it."

So here he was, standing in front of her door like a schoolboy out on a first date. If he were there to meet her father before a date, he couldn't have been any more nervous if he tried. Knocking he stepped back and waited. Not getting a response, he remembered that she probably wouldn't answer the door without knowing who it was first.

"ALEXIS, IT'S SONNY."

Hearing the knock on her door, Alexis froze. Who could be calling on her this time of day? She thought of Ned and wondered if he had changed his mind about respecting her wishes. Hearing Sonny call out to her she relaxed into a smile and went to answer the door.

As she opened the door to him, she found herself relaxing even more at the pair of dimples that were trying to peek out on a face full of uncertainty.

"Sonny, how nice to see you again. Please, come in."

"I wasn't sure if this was such a good idea. But, I saw Johnny outside a few minutes ago and he and his girl were leaving. So, I wondered what you were doing for lunch and decided to ask you if you would care to have lunch with me?"

"Relax, Sonny. I don't have 'parents' breathing down my neck today. It's fine that you came by. But, I have to warn you... just because my 'parents' have left me alone for awhile doesn't mean I can leave the premises. I'm still a captive in some ways."

"And we can still have lunch together. They have a cafeteria around here somewhere I'm sure."

"Yes, they do. But, I wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy. And I won't subject my child to that garbage again. If you're up to it... I do have the makings for a sandwich in the kitchen though."

"You have a kitchen in there?"

"Yes, and from what I can tell there is quite a lot in there. I'm just no good at putting any of it together to make anything edible. I'm not a cook of any kind."

"If it's ok with you, I'd like to try and put something together."

"You cook?"

"Yea. Actually I'm pretty good at it. I'm pretty sure I could come up with something you and... your child would find rather appetizing."

Sonny almost made a very costly mistake in bringing the child... his child into the conversation. Making a mental note to be more cautious in speaking of his child he returned his attention to Alexis who stepped back to allow him room to enter.

"Well then, lead the way. I wasn't exactly too fond of the idea of a turkey on rye today."

She watched as Sonny stepped by her into the room and her heart thrilled at the sight of his smile. 'This could be a very interesting afternoon', she thought.