The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 28

Sitting at his desk the next morning, Sonny was finding it hard to concentrate on the contracts in front of him. Hearing a brief knock on his door, he turned around just as Max announced Kevin Collins was there to see him.

"Kevin? Something wrong? I wasn't expecting you. Come in."

Kevin wasn't sure whether coming to Sonny's was actually a good idea at this point or not, but his concerns regarding Alexis were growing by the hour. He couldn’t ever remember a patient taking their care out of his hands before and he was having more than a little trouble dealing with it. Hoping for some additional insight to Alexis he found himself on Sonny's doorstep wondering if he were doing the right thing.

"Good Morning, Sonny. I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, especially this early in the morning without calling first, but I was hoping maybe you could shed some light on a problem I'm currently having. Do you have a few moments you can spare me?"

"Absolutely, Kevin. Please have a seat. I don't have anything going on that can't be put on hold. What's on your mind?"

Sinking down into the sofa and crossing his legs, Kevin waited for Sonny to settle himself and then studied him a moment before continuing.

"I’m not entirely sure I should be talking to you about this, but I’m kind of at the end of my rope and I need a little help understanding something, but before I get into it I should warn you that you will probably get upset at what I am about to tell you. So first, let me reassure you that Alexis is... holding her own. However, I need to discuss something with you regarding her care. But if I am going to have to constantly be worried about how you are going to react to any given situation, then it is not worth my time or effort to enlist your help. I need your help without all the baggage you're carrying around. Can we discuss Alexis without emotion and without the burden of guilt you feel due to the past?"

Sonny leaned back and let his concern for Alexis take priority over his lack of control regarding his emotions.

"I have been told quite often by your patient that I have a violent temper and that I should learn how to suppress it. I happen to agree with her on that point, but I find that it has a tendency to get away from me at times. However, I will find a way to rein it in for her sake. Tell me what's bothering you, Kevin. Your patient beginning to assert some of that iron will of hers?"

Marveling that Sonny possessed so much insight regarding his problem without benefit of knowing the current situation, Kevin smiled a bit and nodded.

"Yes, she is. With the aid of her trusted compatriot, Alexis is waging a war against the system at the moment. And one Dr. Kevin Collins being that system, is who she is rebelling against."

"How is she handling everything though? Is she working things out the way you think she needs to?"

"Well, knowing that would require me being able to talk to her... to spend time with her; and she is just not allowing that. She has let it be known through her friend that I am not to be allowed in her rooms anymore and that if or when she needs me she will let me know. She has effectively taken her care out of my hands and put it into Johnny's."

Standing and walking across the room, Sonny bent his head in concentration. He was trying to figure out what Alexis was up to.

"Kev, did something happen... something you weren't expecting maybe?"

"Quite frankly, I have been at a loss where Alexis is concerned. I took her off the medication she was on and began giving her a mild relaxant so her mind could better handle the stress she was putting on it. I haven't been able to get her or Johnny to understand that she needs me medically whether she wants it or not. What I can tell you is that she is remembering her past at an exaggerated rate and I am worried about what it will do to her."

Walking anxiously back toward Kevin, Sonny sat down and leaned forward hopefully.

"Is she remembering me, Kevin?"

"No, I don't think so yet, but it can't be far off. She remembered her friend Chloe had died and how it happened. I don't think she handled it very well, but I can't say for sure, because I can't get close enough to her to adequately assess her frame of mind. Sonny, can you shed any light on what you may think is going through her mind right now?"

"Well, knowing Alexis, she is probably fighting you on more than one level, but I would be willing to bet the fight she is most consumed with at this moment is against herself. She may understand that your only intent is to help, but that means she has to open up and give away her secrets. She will not do that without a fight. So not only is she fighting to keep you out of her head, but she is fighting to retain the right of privacy. Also, Alexis thrives on being strong, being all things to all people... being the one needed rather than the one who needs. She is probably trying to come to grips with the fact that in disassociating herself from her life she failed her friends, family and clients, as well as the most important person to her at this point; her child. It could be that she thinks that sometime during the past year she failed someone she loved so completely and something happened she couldn't control; thus the escape."

"But she cannot go around blaming herself for everything that goes wrong in the lives of those around her. She has to find a way to release the trauma and move on. If she doesn't, she will never be free of the threat of succumbing to catatonia."

Sonny felt the fear overtake him. He couldn't lose her again. He just couldn't. Whether she ever remembered him or not... he didn't want to live in a world without Alexis in it.

"You can't let that happen, Kevin. You have to find a way to prevent that from happening."

"Sonny, there is not much I can do if she won't see me. Look, I'm open for any suggestions you may have here. You know her, what is it going to take for her to allow me to treat her?"

Shaking his head back and forth, Sonny got up and began pacing. Chewing on his thumbnail he felt his frustration grow. Stopping just behind the sofa he looked at Kevin and shrugged his shoulders.

"Like you I'm at a disadvantage too. If I can't talk to her, I can't read her.” Sonny’s face suddenly lit and he thought of something that might work. “I think I have an idea, Kevin. Hang on a minute."

Walking over to the desk, Sonny picked up the phone and dialed Johnny's cell phone number.

"Johnny, It's Sonny. I need to see you. Can you find about 30 minutes sometime today to meet me on the north lawn? I mean can you leave Alexis with her nurse or something. I really need to talk to you about something....... Thanks, Johnny. See you then."

Hanging up the phone he looked toward Kevin and smiled.

"I may be able to get enough from Johnny to determine just how she is really doing. He'll meet me for lunch at noon. After I've talked to him, I'll call you."

"That's great, Sonny. Now, can I discuss something else with you?"

Feeling relieved that he would soon be talking to Johnny about Alexis, Sonny rejoined Kevin on the sofa.

"Sure, what's on your mind now?"

"Would you be willing to say that you and Alexis handle your problems in much the same manner?"

Kevin really wanted to help Sonny begin to deal with some of his own issues, but he knew Sonny would not take kindly to having his life put on display any more than Alexis did even it if were just between the two of them. So, Kevin was figuring the best way to get to the bottom of Sonny's problems was to make it about Alexis. It was devious and not very professional, but if the two of them could not learn how to handle their problems in a healthier manner then they probably didn't stand much of a chance in coming together successfully.

"What are you getting at Kevin? This is not about me as you have so often reminded me."

"But, it is about you, Sonny. And it's about her as well."

Really looking at Sonny for the first time and studying his responses, Kevin realized that Sonny would not come across with anything if he felt he was being manipulated. Changing his tactic, Kevin tried to put his point across in another way.

"From what I have gathered from the time I have spent with both you and Alexis, it appears that whenever something personal happens that throws you... you shove the feelings deep down and cover them up. Would you say that was a true statement?"

Not willing to give more than he had to, Sonny simply nodded and offered a one word response.

"Yes."

"Ok, then would it be right to assume that when you finally blow it comes out through anger?"

"Yes."

"What about Alexis?"

"She very rarely blows at all."

"So what I'm guessing is that this episode of hers was a result of her finally blowing."

Sonny thought for a moment before answering. "Sounds reasonable."

"Do you think that either one of you have the capacity to learn how to release your emotions in a more healthy manner? Now, don't go blowing that temper of yours because I'm getting a bit personal. I'm going somewhere with this."

"Better make it quick, Kevin. I'm losing patience here. I've already told you once I don't need a head doctor."

"My point is how are you going to be able to help Alexis deal with her problems if you can't get past your own? I know you want more than anything to help Alexis through all of this, but I think more than that you want to be able to be there for her if, or perhaps when, she is released. If you can't control your temper, how are you going to be able to support her and help her give voice to her own fears if she is constantly trying to stave off your temper tantrums?"

Sonny walked over to the fireplace mantel and leaned on it his eyes falling to rest on the flames below as he mulled over Kevin’s words.

"So you're saying that if she is always trying to prevent me from going off, then that keeps her from feeling free enough to say whatever is going on inside of her."

"I'm saying it is a very real possibility. Can you recall any instances where she may have been about to say something, but didn't because of the emotion you were projecting or maybe afraid of the outcome of what she would say?"

"It may have happened when we first started getting to know each other, but toward the end we talked about everything. She always pushed when she thought I needed to talk things out."

Sonny stopped as a thought came into his head.

"My child. She didn't tell me about my child. She hid my child from me. I know in part that it was because she was afraid for the safety of the child, but she also knew I would be angry at her for keeping it from me."

Beginning to pace he recalled another time when she backed away from a conversation they were having.

"I think I'll take an example from you and keep my mouth shut."

"We went through a period of time where she thought it was important for me to know how she felt about me, but it never quite gelled. We went back and forth with it for a while... kinda became like a tag team match. It was almost like she would get right to the edge of telling me something and then she'd retreat or go off on some other subject."

"So she wanted you to be comfortable to tell her anything and everything, but she had a hard time doing the same. Is that what you're telling me?"

"Yeah. I guess I wasn't as good a friend to her as she was to me."

"You have a place in my life. I trust you."

"And that costs me."

He walked toward the balcony and looked out unseeing remembering her words… the way she said them… “and that costs me”. Sonny was beginning to fully understand what Kevin was saying.

"I didn't give her enough, Kevin. She felt comfortable enough with me to share her past and how she felt about it, but she couldn't talk to me about what she felt toward me. I know the circumstances regarding my marriage had a lot to do with it, but I never should have married Carly that last time. Alexis was the one I should have been with, but I refused to see it. It all boils down to the fact that Alexis loved me and I didn't give her what she needed and it just made things worse for her. I couldn’t get my head out of my butt long enough to see what I was doing to her."

Sonny glanced over at Kevin then hung his head. What he was about to do would be the single most difficult thing he had ever done.

"I don't need anybody."

So ignoring the mantra that beat against the walls of his mind he walked back to the sofa and sat down. "Kevin, I need Alexis in my life. And I need some help to make that happen. There is this thing inside me that I haven't been able to let go of. Can you help me get rid of it?"

"That is what I was waiting to hear from you. Yes, Sonny. I can help you and you will be able to give Alexis what she needs from you, but more importantly... you will become able to handle your aggression and your happiness in a normal and settled manner. When do you want to get started?"

"No time like the present."

chapter 29