The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 23

"Alexis?"

"Are you going to yell at me too?"

Alexis was standing at the window looking out at the beautiful landscape that lay before her, without allowing it to register. Kevin had gotten to her. She was terrified that she would slip away again and thought she was protecting herself from it by handling her memories in the only way she knew how; by looking at them head on, analyzing them and then putting them away. It never occurred to her that there was anything wrong in the way she handled the traumas of her life. They were hers to deal with; she didn't see the need to burden anyone else with the details of her childhood or the ordeals she had to endure as an adult. Only once... grabbing the side of her head to ease the pain she turned to Johnny pleading.

"I need to get out of here. Johnny, can we go for a walk?"

There was a hint of desperation in her eyes and Johnny couldn't help the rise of emotion that was coming over him. He wanted so much for this to be over for her. He would have given his life if it meant she didn't have to relive it all over again. Taking her hand in his he headed for the door.

"Sure thing, partner. Anything you want. You just name it."

As they exited the building, Johnny watched as the tension on her face eased a bit and gently tugged on her arm to lead her in the direction of the south lawn.

As Johnny tugged on her arm Alexis looked up into his eyes and saw him smile. In that moment a vision of his face came to her and she felt a certain peace wash over her that she hadn't felt since she returned. The vision was not accompanied by pain of any kind, just a sweet sense of comfort.

"I do know you don't I, Johnny? You've been a part of my life in a very real way that I can't remember yet. What were you to me, Johnny? Were we really friends?"

Ecstatic that she was remembering him, Johnny also felt a grave sense of foreboding. If she was remembering him, then it could be that memories of Sonny would not be far behind. And today was not the day for those memories. Alexis needed more time to process the presence of her baby and the death of Chloe.

"Alexis, I will tell you that we were not close. You had your life and I had mine. We ran into each other on occasion and then when I needed a little financial guidance, you helped me. That's why I am able to stay with you now without benefit of a job. Now, that is all the questions I intend to answer for the rest of the day. It's time for us to just enjoy the fact that we have this day. I'm here, you're here and you are getting well. It's time to celebrate. So, no more questions and no more pushing the boundaries for the rest of the day. Ok, partner? Please give me this one. I need you to please let me have my way on this one."

They continued on their walk in silence for a bit until Alexis felt the need for a little levity to ease the tension that settled between them.

"Have you always been this tough?"

Looking over to her and seeing her attempt to lighten the mood he took her hand and squeezed it lightly then laid it in the crook of his arm as they walked on.

"Only with the people I care the most about. I think that would be my grandmother, Joy and you.

Feeling comforted by his words, Alexis leaned in closer to him loving the feeling of being safe with him.

"Tell me about your grandmother, Johnny. Is she still with us?"

Johnny’s face took on a look that caused Alexis to catch her breath for a moment. She watched in awe as a glow of pure love and adoration settled on his face as he lifted his head and gazed at the blueness of the sky. No man had ever looked more attractive to her in that moment. His words left her stunned.

"No. Nana Rose died a few years ago. She was 98. Old age took her before I was ready for her to go. She was such a beautiful woman, both inside and out. My grandfather died when she was 45. I was just a little kid. They shared a beautiful life together. My grandfather knew how to treat a lady and he made my grandmother feel like a queen every day they spent with each other. Sometimes after we finished supper and moved onto the porch to watch the sun go down I would watch them. Papa would always hold Nana’s hand and sometimes I would catch her smile when he started to rub the back of her hand with his thumb. She’d just look over at him and smile. When I close my eyes I can still see her smiling at Papa. She used to tell me the kinds of things he did for her to make her feel special. She said when a man really loves a woman; he spends his life looking for treasures to bestow on her; for ways to make her life easier. And if the woman feels completely loved and honored then she gives her heart, soul and every moment of her day to the care of the man she loves. She used to tell me that our lives were similar to a tapestry. The threads of each life constantly growing and entwining with the other; weaving in and out through every moment… every trial… every heartache… every day… every year until one day you realize that together you have created a blanket of such strength, warmth and comfort that it cannot be torn apart."

With tears gently sliding down her face at the beauty of such a love, Alexis stopped, forcing Johnny to look at her.

"Is it really possible for someone to have that kind of love, Johnny? It just doesn't seem real somehow."

With a faraway look in his eye as he remembered his grandmother, Johnny started walking again pulling Alexis with him.

"Yes, Alexis. It is possible. I know because I saw my grandmother's face every time she spoke of my grandfather. She never remarried. I asked her why one time. We were celebrating her 75th birthday. She told me that once you've had perfection, you could never be satisfied with anything less and that my grandfather had loved her so completely that she still basked in the memory of that love thirty years later. She would never bring anything into her life that may cause her to lose even one moment of her first and only love."

"Is that how you feel about, Joy?"

"Not yet. But, it's there waiting to grow."

"What do you mean? Either you love her or you don't."

"I don't believe it's that simple. For instance, yesterday you found out you were pregnant. Your first reaction... shock. Then the process of acceptance and then the love begins to grow. The love was not immediate. Now, do you love your child more today than you did yesterday?"

"Yes, I do."

"Are you beginning to cater to that love... to give to your child what she will need today for her to remain healthy?"

"Yes."

"That is where it begins. Do I love Joy? Yes. But, the more important question is, will I love Joy more tomorrow than I do today. Love must never be allowed to stagnate. It must be fed, nurtured and tended to. If it is, it will grow just like the little peanut there will. If it is not, then it will slowly become like the water in a pond that has no where to go, no activity to preserve its intended purpose... waste."

"Joy is a very lucky woman. Does she know how lucky she is?"

"No she doesn't, but I don't know just how lucky I am in having her either. It's a learning process. It takes time. And I am willing to give it all the time in the world, because I see the spirit of my grandmother in her. And if having her in my life right now brings my grandmother closer to me, then it is important to me to have Joy in my life."

"You know that sounds like you're using Joy to bring yourself closer to the memory of your grandmother."

Thinking of how his words sounded and seeing the truth of how they could be interpreted that way, Johnny tried to explain himself again.

"My grandmother told me that there would be one woman out there that would be my center. A woman who would be everything I needed and I would be everything she needed. Each one of us spend the growing years of our lives putting together an idea of the perfect person we would like to share our lives with. Most people don't wait for that person to come along. They pick someone that meets some of what they want and then they try to make them fit the rest of what they wanted. I believe that Joy is the woman I have been waiting for because I decided at an early age that I wanted a woman with the same qualities my grandmother had. Joy is a reflection of my grandmother. So not only do I get the warmth, compassion and wisdom of my grandmother in the woman I know as Joy, but I get the pleasure and honor of building a relationship of love and commitment with her. You see, in a way, I have the best of both worlds."

Noticing that they were nearing the bench where they sat the day before, Alexis guided Johnny toward it. It was time for she and Johnny to come to an understanding and from hearing him speak of his grandparents; Alexis knew his compassion would allow him to understand her need.

"We have to talk, Johnny. Come sit with me."

Settling down on the bench Alexis turned toward Johnny and took one of his hands within her own. Looking down at their entwined fingers Alexis concentrated on what words to use to give Johnny enough insight so that he could realize what she needed from him and not fight her on it.

"Kevin was pretty rough on me today and I'll concede that he had good reason to be. I have been pushing too hard trying to remember the last year of my life. I have not been content to just sit back and let it come 'in it's own time' as he suggested I do. I know that there are things that happened that are going to be hard to deal with. I know because I feel it. There is something sitting right on the edge threatening to engulf me if I let my guard down. It's frightening that something in my past has the ability to strip my control from me whether I want it to or not. I'm not being given a choice as to how I want to deal with it. It's there... it's going to find it's way out. I just wanted to pull it out before it had a chance to knock me down and hurt me more than it did when whatever it was happened the first time. Do you understand that, Johnny? I mean am I explaining it well enough?"

"Yes, Alexis. I know what you mean. And I admire you for your determination in trying to deal with the situation you've been handed without, as you see it, losing control of it or weighing someone else down with the load of it as you usually do. But, may I interrupt you for a moment?"

Nodding satisfactorily at her willingness to let him continue, he lay his arm on the back of the bench behind her and gently lay his hand on her shoulder.

"I am going to be very open and honest with you about this because I respect you and I know that you will do the right thing if you have all the facts of the case. I believe that if you know enough about what is at stake, then you will do what needs to be done to bring about the result we all are looking forward to. Now, I will not answer any questions about your past. I agree with Kevin that they need to come in their own time. But, what I will tell you, so that you will know why I agree with Kevin, is that I have been there on the sidelines the past year. I know what you will have to remember in order to bring about your full recovery. What you will have to face, in some cases, you will be able to handle with no problem, however, there are some things that if we are not careful will cause you more harm and if not dealt with correctly, as Kevin said, we may lose you again. So, my suggestion to you, is to spend the next few days trying to become strong enough to handle the past so that when you do begin to remember, you will be able to handle it. So, what do you think?"

As she held Johnny's hand she began to get a sense of restfulness, a sense of rightness in his words. Looking up into his eyes, she saw his concern, his absolute faith in her and the truth of his words. Nodding slowly she looked back down at their clasped hands.

"So you know what happened to me. And you know that it had the ability to do this to me. Ok Johnny, I'll agree to your way of handling this, but with a few conditions."

Hearing him laugh, she looked up again with a mischievous smile.

"You know I'm not going to just turn my life over to someone without retaining at least some of the control of it. So don't even ask me to."

"Ok, counselor. Name your conditions."

"First, no more Kevin in my room. I have to have somewhere I can go where I can feel safe. I don't want him there anymore."

"Done. No problem with that one at all."

"Second, no more Kevin unless I call for him."

"Now that one I have a problem with, Alexis. Why don't you explain that one to me so I get where you’re coming from."

"Ok. I need someone to talk to that I know is totally committed to my well-being. Who knows me well enough to know when I've reached my limit and do not need to be pushed any further. If I am pushed too far, I shut down. It just happens. I haven't learned how to stop it yet and I have already surmised that shutting down is not healthy for me or for my baby. Kevin does not know me well enough to determine when he's gone too far. You do. And, you've already had to pull me back from the edge once. I need to know that there is someone around me who cares whether I am in this world or the other one. You and Joy have already proved to me that you do care that much. So, in a nutshell, you and Joy will be my 'doctors' unless something happens that we have to pull in a professional. Now do you understand?"

"Yeah. You're scaring the hell out of me, but I get it. As long as you give me the option of calling in Kevin if I feel Joy and I are failing you, then I'll agree to the second stipulation. Now is there anything else?"

"Yes. A big one. And there will be no argument on this one at all."

"Alexis, please. I've already got my neck stuck out there so far it's bound to get chopped off. What more do you want? I need my blood."

Laughing at him she hit him lightly on his chest.

"The third and final stipulation is that you have to take Joy out on a bona fide date at least twice a week until the wedding."

"Th... th... he w... we... ddding? Whhat... w... we... ddding?"

"The one I am anticipating is not too far down the road for you two. See, I can push just as hard as the next crazy person?"

Lifting her hand up to caress the blazingly red cheek of her companion she laughed fully and freely without any of the qualms she had been suffocated by since the previous day when she awakened to a world of unfamiliarity.