The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 19

Sitting down and getting comfortable Alexis waited until Kevin joined her before answering him.

"I didn't threaten Johnny. It seems he knows me well enough to know that I am not very patient when it comes to others trying to control me or what I get to know and not know."

Eyeing her with concern and the practiced eye of a physician, Kevin began to delve into just how much Alexis knew versus how much she actually remembered.

"So, what do you know now that wasn't a part of your last memory?"

"Well, since Johnny didn't think it wise to enlighten me, my little girl decided it was time I knew of her existence."

"Ok, so you know you're pregnant. What else?"

"Not so fast, Kevin. Is my baby, healthy? Is she ok? And don't play any of your psycho games with me. I may be a little fuzzy regarding what I remember, but I am very lucid and very alert. Don't lie to me and don't give me any half-truths. Just give it to me straight."

Laughing at her now infamous determination and steely resolve, Kevin sat back and crossed his legs.

"I wouldn't dream of giving you anything less than the absolute truth and nothing but the truth, counselor. Your baby is just fine. She is growing and developing at a normal rate and should deliver at best guess late January or early February. Now, before you start bombarding me with questions, I have a few of my own that have to take precedence simply because, well... I am the doctor and you are the patient. So, just how long have you been awake and pushing that computerized brain of yours?"

Sliding Kevin a wry grin, Alexis folded her arms and settled in for what she expected to be an inquisition of major proportions.

"Since this afternoon, and I refused to let Johnny call you until I was ready for you. And I'm not entirely sure I am now, but I don't want to take any chances of taking another leap into the twilight zone. So, how are we going to avoid that and still bring me up to speed on what's been going on in my life that would cause me to prefer 'la la' land to my own life?"

This was not going to be easy. Kevin was faced with a very high-strung patient who was walking a very tenuous line. She was still in danger psychologically and she didn't realize it... or maybe she did. Alexis was a very intelligent woman able to process facts and suppositions at an alarming rate. Deciding to take the direct approach with her he took hold of her wrist to check her pulse and kept his hand there. He would be able to gauge by her pulse what was happening with her mentally.

"Ok Alexis, I realize that you are not like most of my patients. I expected you to come out lucid and able to function, but I did not expect you to be able to reason as well as you are. So, that lets you off the hook with my normal mode of handling your type of case. That being said, there are still risks here and if you are as smart as I think you are, then you already know some of the risks and have probably already had to fight the pull of the other side. Am I right?"

Kevin watched as Alexis stood and moved across the room to put distance between them and probably to release herself from his hold on her. By her response he knew he hit on a very real problem she was already facing. He patiently waited for her to respond knowing instinctively that it was the only reason she allowed Joy to call him.

"Yes. Johnny did have to pull me back. I was almost gone again. How do we stop it, Kevin? How do I keep from going back?"

"By allowing me to do my job. By taking it slow with all the questions. By allowing yourself to be open to the fact that you are not invulnerable. And most importantly, you have to stop this insane need you have to be in control at all times, at all cost. I believe the reason you fell into catatonia was because you felt you lost all control over your life and everything around you. At least, that is the major cause of the fall. There are other important factors, but I believe they are just a sideline of the basic problem."

Shaking her head, Alexis was having trouble with the fact that Kevin had to have been talking to a lot of people in order to get that kind of information about her. Problem was, there wasn't anything she could do about it, she needed him to help her through this. Or did she?

"I see you've been doing your homework. But, for the record, from now on if you need any information about me I want to know ahead of time. Just maybe I can provide you with what you need without my friends or family being pulled into this."

Kevin sighed with frustration.

"Now you see, that is exactly what I mean. You have lost months of your memory and are not able to recollect just what has happened to you, yet here you are trying to control my care of you without benefit of a degree in medicine, much less a full grasp of the facts. And believe me, in order for me to help you; your law degree is not going to be of much use to you at this point. I don't mean to be hard on you Alexis, but it's going to be difficult enough to get you back to 100%without you limiting my every move. I have every reason to believe that your memories are going to be coming to light sooner than I need them to, but that's just something we are going to have to deal with."

Acknowledging the truth of his words Alexis gave in and went to sit back down beside him.

"Alright I'm scared, Kevin. Plain and simple. When I feel like I've been backed into a corner I come out fighting. And the corner I'm up against this time feels like it has prison bars surrounding me and the only way out is a black hole that’s just waiting to swallow me... waiting for me to let my guard down so it can suck me back in. And if that weren’t enough… just tell me how I'm supposed to lay down tonight like a normal person and sleep when I'm afraid I won't wake up in the morning."

Her agitated body language told Kevin that she had just confessed the one thing that was causing her the most anguish.

"That's it, isn't it?"

"What?"

"You can somewhat handle everything else that has come to light so far, but that bed in there has you simply terrified."

Standing and crossing the room again, Alexis looked for a clock somewhere and not finding one said quietly as if it would bring him...

"Shouldn't Johnny be back by now?"

"Alexis... "

Watching her start to pace... he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and hit speed dial.

"Johnny, can you come on back. Our lady lawyer needs a little help."

Putting his cell phone back in his pocket he noticed Alexis throw him a look of gratitude and walk closer to the door to wait for Johnny to arrive.

"It's not that I don't... trust you, Kevin. I've just had enough for one night and Johnny... "

"I know, Alexis. It's Johnny's job to get rid of me or anyone else that pushes you too hard. It's ok. You have had enough for one night. You need to rest. And I need you to know that it's ok for you to sleep. I will be stopping the medication I have you on as of now, but I am going to replace it with a mild relaxant that will enable you to process things easier without the extreme level of stress you seem to crave."

Jumping slightly at the sound of the door opening, Alexis looked anxiously for Johnny to come in and when she saw him round the corner she grinned sheepishly and reached up to pull on her ear.

As he rounded the corner, Johnny didn't need to see Alexis take advantage of the sign they agreed earlier on to know that she was on overload, he could see the tension and fear in her eyes. Smiling at her reassuringly he turned to face Kevin.

"Doc, it's time for you to go. Sorry, but she's the boss. Tell me what I need to watch for and then please see that Joy gets to her car safely."

Watching Johnny take over for her, a small tear of gratitude slipped down her cheek and Alexis escaped to her room where she let go of the emotions she had been holding onto with tight resolve. Lying down on the bed she pulled the pillow to her chest and cried. She lay there only a few minutes when she felt Johnny come in and sit down beside her. Needing to be held by someone she sat up and put her arms around Johnny and relaxed when he put his arms around her and began rocking her back and forth speaking quiet words of comfort to her.

"Johnny, it's too much. How am I supposed to handle it all if I can't control it?"

"Hey partner, right now, you just need to focus on the fact that you are here and you have the little peanut to take care of. Everything else will come in time. Don't force yourself to do something you're not ready for. It's ok that you don't remember things. It's ok that it scares you. And it's ok, to tell Doc Nosey that you need a break."

A small chuckle slipped from her throat and letting go of him, Alexis reached toward the nightstand for a tissue.

"Doc Nosy, huh? That's a good one. Johnny?" Taking hold of his hand she looked down and toyed with one of his fingers.

Johnny could see by her face that Alexis wanted something from him, but couldn’t bring herself to ask. Such a creature of habit this woman was. Always so hesitant to ask for help or even admit to the possibility of even needing someone’s help.

"What do you need, partner?"

It took several moments before Alexis quietly answered him without looking up at him and without giving any indication of needing anything from him. But she did need him and he knew it. Her thoughts were as open to him in that moment as they were to her and there was only one way he could alleviate her concern.

"Where are you going to be tonight? Do you sleep on the couch or do you have another room somewhere in the building?"

"Come on, partner. I'll show you."

Taking her by the hand, Johnny led her back into the living room and toward the hallway. Pulling her up to walk in front of him he guided her to the door of his own room. Reaching around her he turned the knob and shoved the door open.

"I wasn't kidding, Alexis. I'm not leaving here without you."

Alexis looked into the room and saw an almost identical room to her own with the addition of a video monitor attached to his beside table. Looking back over her shoulder at him with fresh tears she grabbed his hand.

"You really are actually living with me?"

"I told you, I'm in this for the duration. You and me, we’re standing against the world together. Now, your day has been extreme and it's been long. Peanut needs her rest and since I have not been exercising my right as her godfather, you need to pay a little attention to her tonight before you lay down. Capeche?"

Hugging him tight she whispered.

"Capeche. And for the record, I wish you wouldn't call my daughter a peanut."

"Tough luck, counselor. She's used to it now and already knows it's me when she hears it. You don't have a prayer of winning that one."

Walking her back to her room he continued talking to her soothingly.

"Do you know how I know she knows her name? I was in the room for your last ultrasound and the nurse told to me to put my hand just above where she was and she kicked me. At least I think it was a kick... all I know is there was definite movement. So I leaned down called her peanut and told her that her Uncle Johnny was there to take care of her and her mommy and I'd do whatever I had to for her… she kicked me again to let me know she heard me. So, like I said you lost that one."

"A little bossy aren't you?"

Reaching her bedroom door she turned to Johnny with an expectant look on her face.

"Could you give me a few minutes to change and then come talk to me for awhile?"

"Sure, just holler when you're ready."

chapter 20