The Long Road Home
by Terry

Chapter 12

Climbing from the car, Sonny walked around to the passenger side and looked up at the building in front of him. He froze as the enormity of where he now stood engulfed him. He lowered his head and watched in slow motion as a tear fell to the ground at his feet quickly followed by another. He always knew that this place would be hard to face no matter when he managed to find his way back. Lifting his head he pulled his shoulders back and walked slowly up the steps. Climbing them one by one he finally reached the door. Reaching to open it, it felt like it weighed a ton and he quickly raised his other hand and pulled with both to pull it open. It wasn't so much the weight of the door that was burdensome. It was the realization that this was his first time he back to this place since 'she' told him to leave.

Afraid to make a sound for fear of disturbing the solitude of the place, he walked to his right and climbed another set of stairs then turned to his left and walked silently down the corridor. Stopping at a door on his left he raised his hand to clutch the doorknob.

Hesitating for a moment he slowly turned the knob and stepped inside. With memories hitting him from left and right he sat down and looked toward his right to gaze at the boxed seats he sat in with his mother so many years ago.

Carnegie Hall, the ballet and his mother.

He let the tears fall freely as he remembered how beautiful she looked that afternoon. Closing his eyes he again felt how tightly she hugged him to thank him. Even now he could see the joy that filled her when she told him how much the afternoon meant to her. Made all the more special because they shared it together. It was just the two of them... hiding from the world and its madness for a couple of hours one hot afternoon.

He chose to sit in this particular box seat because it was the one he knew the schoolgirls occupied all those years ago. Trying his hardest he concentrated on them hoping to remember the color of the uniforms they were wearing. Could they have been from Briarton? He tried to create a vision of Alexis sitting there watching him and his mother. Rising from the depths of his soul to taunt him he remembered another time, another place, another truth.

"Uh… what ballet did you see?

"What?"

"When you took your mother to Carnegie Hall - do you remember?"

"Romeo and Juliet."

"Well, that's perfect."

"What does that mean?"

"It's a metaphor... for your life I think... Romeo and Juliet... Beautiful and sad."

She was right. Looking back over the years he could only recognize brief moments of complete happiness in a life full of sadness. With her he had been happy. She made all the difference in the world... just to see her walk into a room lifted the cloud that always seemed to hang over him.

"Mama, what am I supposed to do? If only I had you here for just a while. You could tell me. I think of you every day and wonder what you would say to me now. Would you still love me if you knew the man I became? I miss you mama and I love you more now than I ever did before. I wish you could meet Alexis. Mama there is so much in her. I did not know that a woman could be so full of wonder, so full of contradictions. She keeps me excited. I have never had a dull moment with her. But, I can't have her mama. She is too much for me. I would destroy her and that would destroy me. I lo..., I feel too much for her to put her in the middle of my life. She matters to me mama, just like you. How can I live without her, mama? How can I walk away?"

Sonny felt like he was being blown apart from the inside. He had never felt such powerful feelings before and it was scaring the hell out of him. The depth of emotion that Alexis inspired in him terrified him. She filled him completely. How do I survive this? She has the power to destroy me whether she is in my life or not.

Looking back over at the boxed seats he envisioned his mother one last time.

"I have to go now mama. I have to be somewhere else. Peace be with you, mama."

Returning to the car, Sonny sat down behind the wheel and watched the activity going on around him.

'Well Sonny boy, you know who she is, you know how much she matters to you and you now know that she has what it takes to destroy you without even being a part of your life. Wouldn't that just make her day? She'd probably get all flustered and start breathing hard and I wouldn't blame her. She takes my breath away just as easily. So what are you going to do about it? What can you do? You are who you are, just as she is who she is.'

Pulling his cell phone from his pocket, he called the airport to let them know he was on his way back.