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The
Flower Series November - Primroses The waning days of October found me increasingly frustrated with myself - indecision seemed to have overtaken every aspect of my life. There was the office - business had been very good - so good I needed help, not good enough to actually expand. Cameron and I had been sharing a receptionist/office assistant and but I was in dire need of a paralegal as well. Then there was the Halloween party for the pediatric ward - there had been the 'Halloween is the work of Satan' rumblings from the usual crowd but fortunately the rabble-rousers, as I so succinctly informed them, had little room to point the finger of sin on children unless they turned it to themselves first. A few mentions of liaisons at motels outside Greenville, outings to strip clubs in Manhattan, and swept under the rug DUI's and the party was a go. I still had not decided on a costume for KD - whom I fervently wished would walk already. From KD's standpoint I could see her reasons for delaying the learning to walk chore. Right then she had a good gig - raise those chubby little arms, blink those big brown eyes and dimple her daddy's smile and everyone within a mile radius dropped whatever was in their hands to pick the poor, neglected child up. My baby was smart. She understood. I didn't expect her to walk until she was 15 and wanted to learn to drive. Who could blame her? Then there was the indecision about Sonny. Every time I thought about it I exhaled every bit of air that was in my lungs. All those months and I still could not let my feelings completely free; I still retained just enough back so that I maintained control. Sonny, still held true to his promise not to rush me but I could tell he was becoming increasingly frustrated. Every night he stayed later and later; every kiss was deeper and longer; every caress lingered closer to dangerous places. I felt 17 again both for the joy being in love gave me as well as for the nervousness of not wanting to go too far, of getting in over my head. My reluctance to give all of myself - not just my body but also my soul - to Sonny bothered me greatly. He had demonstrated over the past eight or nine months just how committed he was to our daughter and me. Deep in my heart and mind I wasn't worried about him leaving us - I knew he never would. I had a problem, and I didn't know what it was or how to solve it, so as was my fashion, it got shoved aside. One thing about having a baby no one ever tells you is that somewhere out there your name gets put on every list for every mail order catalog in the world. That's how I finally found KD's Halloween costume - thanks to Mr. Mouse my baby girl ended up going to the party as Tinkerbelle. It was a wonderful time; the children so enjoyed shedding their pj's and hospital gowns for a few hours and dressing up like every animal, cartoon character, and action figure on television. Now there was a new term for me - action figure. I learned more about Power Rangers, Gundamn, Slo-Pokey balls, and all sorts of television characters with really strange haircuts. KD was in a fenced off area with other toddlers and I was busy putting stick-on tattoos on little hands when the Dalmatian in front of me looked behind me and gasped. Before I even turned around I heard a familiar voice, albeit a strange accent say "I vant to suck your blood," and a pair of fangs sunk into my neck under my right ear. "Sonny would you get out of here - you're scaring the puppy." "Can I suck your blood later perhaps?" he asked, still in the Translyvanian accent. "Maybe. Aren't you supposed to be in with the older kids? Go!" The Dalmatian, figuring out that the scary looking guy with the teeth was friendly, smiled as he said, "My Daddy's a vampire too. He bites Mommy's neck all the time and then they go take a nap and leave me with my big sister. She's 14. I'm just 5." Sonny chuckled all the way out. That night after we got KD fed, bathed, and down for the night he led me by the hand to the living room and drew me down on the couch next to him. As I snuggled my back into his chest, and my head underneath his chin, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. "We have a perfect daughter, don't we?" he asked. I nodded, "Mmmm-huh." "Do you ever think about us having another?" I sat bolt upright. "What?" "Another baby. A brother or sister for KD. Do you ever think about us having another child?" I didn't know what to say. My mind couldn't even form a thought. I opened my mouth three or four times and nothing came out at all, making Sonny laugh. "I take it that's a no? That's OK. I've planted the thought into that beautiful head of yours and now there'll be little room for anything else." I was speechless. "Maybe I should go now, huh?" My mouth was still open with no sound emerging. "I'll take that as a yes." Sonny kissed me on the forehead and just before he closed the front door said "Wouldn't a miniature me be cute running around our house in the country?" Another baby? With Sonny? He wanted a son with me? And a house in the country? I knew Sonny loved KD and me and I knew he wanted to be part of our lives - hell he was part of our lives, but this was all so - permanent. Another child. Living together in a home of our own. That night I dreamed of picket fences and tire swings in huge old oak trees. The following weeks were more settled and I spent my time practicing my profession instead of planning kiddie parties. Somewhere along the way we had decided that KD's first birthday was going to be spent quietly with just us and Grandpa, so my only party planning chore was to decide what to get my daughter for her first birthday. I considered a copy of "Women are From Venus; Men Re From Mars" but thought I might save that for later when she could actually read. I settled on a bouncy Tigger and one of those shopping carts, hoping it would encourage her to walk. I had no idea what her father and grandfather would come up with, but whatever they arrived with I was sure that it would be ridiculous, overpriced, and something entirely unsuitable for a one-year-old little girl. November 19 rolled around and the appointed hour of 5pm appeared. I called an early party because her bedtime was seven. Mike was the first to arrive, complete with hugs, kisses, a bottle of Chardonnay for me and a box the size of a small TV for his granddaughter. KD had been in my arms when I opened the door for Mike and had immediately held out her arms to go to grandpa. They were on the floor putting those various sized rings on the spindle when Sonny came in with an envelope, a small box, obviously from a jeweler, and a shoebox sized present. Seeing that our baby was occupied he took the opportunity to kiss me soundly and when that did not disrupt KD and her grandpa from their game, Sonny became bold and buried his face in my neck letting his hands gently massage my back. A little moan escaped from the back of my throat as he pulled me tighter to him and I could feel how much he wanted me. "Sonny, we can't," I whispered into his ear. "Mike and KD are right here." I had forgotten the effect hot breath had on Sonny's ear. "Honey we have to do something because now I can't walk into the room," he whispered back. "Hell I can't walk at all and it's all your fault." "My fault. I didn't do anything." "I know. Now if you'd just do something to help alleviate my situation..." KD, taking that moment to look up and see her daddy squealed and waved her arms wildly - KD speak for "Get your butt over her Daddy and pick me up." I grinned at Sonny, kissed him quickly and said "You're on your own, buster," before I exited into the kitchen to get us all something to drink. He must have recited every baseball stat in the book because less than a minute later when I emerged with a pitcher of iced tea he was on the floor with KD and Mike. The evening was just what I had hoped for - a quiet and relaxing time with our little girl on her first birthday. I had planned the menu based on KD's favorites, so we all dined on chicken nuggets, green beans and mashed potatoes. The only concession I had made to the big birthday to-do was a Tigger cake. My baby loved Tigger and when KD saw him on the cake she practically jumped right in. We took plenty of photos as she spread orange icing all over her face and into her just starting to emerge dark curls. What a mess. Mike was dying for present time, so we dragged them all over to the middle of the floor and watched her have no clue. "Hey Sweet Pea, lookie here - can you help Mommy tear the paper off?" That got her attention - tear paper? Make noise? All right! So as KD sat crumpling brightly colored wrapping paper and waving it in the air I took Tigger out of the box and held it in front of her. Immediately the paper was forgotten as the tiger's nose made it's way to her mouth. We unwrapped the shopping cart the same way, only I picked her up and stood her at the handle hoping she would hold on and walk it around. She plopped back down and grabbed Tigger. Feelings bruised, I asked who was next. Sonny reached over to the table and handed me the envelope. "It's not really a present, but something I needed to do. For both of you." Questioning him with my look, I opened the envelope, unfolded the papers and began to read; it took only a few words before I realized what this document contained. It was Sonny's will, leaving everything to me and his daughter should anything happen to him. I didn't know what to say, so I just looked at him thru misty eyes as I mouthed that nothing was going to happen to him. In an attempt to divert my attention before I started crying I grabbed the shoebox shaped present and opened it. KD's first doll. Sonny was obviously anxious about it. "Is it too big? Is it soft enough? I made sure there was nothing on it that could come off in her mouth. Is it OK?" Mike let lose with a rip-roaring guffaw. "Son, you mean to tell me that the big bad mobster went into a toy store and bought a little bitty baby doll?" The vision sent us all into peals of laughter and KD joined in. After ribbing Sonny for a while, we left KD to chewing on the doll's hand and I opened Mike's gift in the large box. It was an inflatable ball pit. "Omigod, she loves this every time I take her to McDonald's!" came out of my mouth before I realized it. If you thought Sonny got kidded for buying a doll, you should have heard the two of them give me grief over Mickey D's. All too soon it was time to put KD to bed, so Mike kissed her goodnight and left. Sonny and I paper/stone/scissored for clean up duty and I lost, so he took the baby in for her bath while I gathered bits of wrapping paper, torn cardboard, and smashed cake from the floor. That's when I saw the jewelry box half under a couch pillow. I tossed it on the coffee table so I wouldn't forget it later and finished cleaning up. Pretty soon, Sonny was carrying a jammied KD into the room, "Say night-night to Momma, Sweetie." Noting smells as wonderful as a baby fresh from her bath, and there's nothing like the feeling of holding a baby in terry jammies. I carried her back to the nursery and Sonny sat on the floor as I read The Velveteen Rabbit to her. She fell asleep on page 9, but I finished the story before laying her in the crib. We softly tiptoed out and halfway down the hall, Sonny grabbed my waist and turned me to him, content with looking into my eyes for the longest time before he gently lowered his lips onto mine. Softly, he kissed me, first on the mouth, then slowly and deliberately inserting his lips between mine, he captured my lower lip between his and gently sucked. I moaned loudly as he released my lower lip and gently but with purpose probed for my tongue with his. As we kissed and drank each other deeply, his hands moved to capture my face. Gently pulling away he took my hand and led me down the hall. I didn't know if I was ready for this. God knows I wanted to, but before I had to make a decision, we passed the bedroom and continued into the living room.
"Alexis," he began very softy, "The past months have meant everything to me. Everything. All my life all I ever wanted was family. One to love and one to love me back. What you've given me in KD and yourself...there's no way I can even begin to explain. I think you know how much I love you - how deeply I love you and our daughter. You two are my life. I can't remember a time before you. I don't want to remember a time before you. I can't imagine a time without you." He nodded to the pot of primroses. "They mean 'I can't live without you.' I know I promised not to push, not to nag, but I've come to realize that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and our daughter. I want to have more children with you. I want your face to be the first one I see every morning and the last see I see every night. I want to grow old with you. I want to want you when I'm too old to remember what it is I wanted you for." My stomach was doing flip flops and my heart was racing as he reached for the box on the table. "I want to marry you Alexis, but I'm not going to ask and I don't expect you to answer me tonight, tomorrow or even next week, but I needed to let you know that this - that you - are lifetime to me." He opened the box to the most exquisite ring I have ever seen. Simple princess cut with two baguettes on either side in a platinum setting. He left it in the box and placed the box in my hands. "Think about it. Write reasons yes on one piece of paper and reasons no on another. When you're ready I'll know and then I'll either ask you or table the matter quietly and we'll go on as we have been. Just know that whatever you decide, I'm not going away. My life is committed to you and our daughter. I love you. I always will." In an instant the door closed behind him, leaving me with a ring in my hand and a lot to think about.
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