The Flower Series
by Sue

September - Yellow Lilies

Summer drew to a close quickly after we returned from Italy - days grew shorter, the evening air took on a slight chill, and the flowers of autumn began to pop up everywhere with their brilliant oranges, rusts, and yellows. Baby girl, suddenly faced with having to wear socks after a long barefoot summer, protested loudly and removed them at every opportunity. I'd put them back on her, explaining why she needed to keep them on, but I'm afraid my daughter was quite the headstrong little girl and continued to shed them just as quickly as she was able.

Sonny and I resumed our pre-Italy pattern of seeing each other and once again, he refrained from pressuring me for more. It was tough. For both of us I presume, but especially on me because only I knew how deeply I felt. If only I knew why I still felt compelled to keep him at semi-arms length. So many times I had been close to pouring out my love for him; so many times I had rushed to the door after he left, only to stop before opening it and shouting for him to come back and make love to me. Issues. I had some and I needed to solve them, so I called the man who had become my good friend and business partner, and made an appointment to see him professionally. I had to get to the bottom of things before I made myself crazy or drove Sonny away. Friendship being what it is, two hours later I was sitting in Cameron's office, pacing actually, while he played with my daughter and let me talk.

"It's not like I don't love him. I do. Completely. And I know he feels the same way. That's why I just don't understand my reluctance to take this to the next level."

"Alexis," Cameron chose his words carefully, "You're experiencing a perfectly normal reaction. Eighteen months ago, you set Sonny up to hurt you so you wouldn't have to face a real relationship. Now you're afraid that you're going to do it again and he'll take the bait again. Does that about cover it?"

I started to protest but the words died in my throat. I was the queen of relationship cop-outs from boarding school to the father of my daughter. Every time I had a serious relationship, I was the one who backed out, picked the breakup fight, hitched a semi, threw him back to his ex-wife. It was me. I was the problem, well maybe not the complete problem, but now things were different and I didn't want to end up hitching a semi. "OK, assuming you're right, and I'm not admitting anything, how does a saboteur who doesn't even know she's sabotaging anything stop said sabotage before the sabotagee gets disgusted and walks away?"

Cameron laughed as he played flying baby with KD who was giggling herself out of breath. "Good thing your mommy'th not Thylvethter the cat, ithn't it KD? We'd both be thoaked after that pronounthement."

I threw a paper wad at him. "I'm serious Cameron. What do I do? How can I stop myself from ruining this?"

"Well, first you could try admitting out loud that you're scared. Then tell Sonny."

"He knows."

"So you told him already?"

"No, he just knows."

"Alexis it's not the same as coming from your mouth. You have to admit it out loud to yourself and to Sonny. You have to tell him exactly why you're afraid. More than half the battle in conquering our fears is in just admitting them. Tell you what. Zander and I will watch Little Boo here tonight and you and Sonny go to dinner and a movie or something. OK?"

So that's how I ended up walking across the hall to my own office and dialing the big bad mobster's cell phone and asking him out on a date. A date. I hadn't been on a date since college. Lucky for me he didn't play hard to get, so we arranged to meet at the Grille at seven. I was going out on a date with the man I loved. Suddenly choruses of "tonight" from West Side Story filled my brain and I did a quick twirl around the floor. Giddy was nice. I certainly hoped I could keep it.

That evening at 6:30 Cameron and Zander knocked on my door armed with library books and stuffed animals and shuffled me out for my date with Sonny. Date with Sonny. I was still obsessing over the date word, but Cameron had assured me this afternoon that since Sonny and I had never had the conventional type of relationship, it was important that we try to create one. A date was a start.

He was waiting outside the grill when I pulled up and parked the car, huge grin on his face as he rocked back and forth on his heels. "You clean up pretty good for an ambulance chaser Ms. Davis."

I had to look down to see what I was wearing. Perplexed, I looked at Sonny. "You've seen this dress before - a couple of times actually. And I'm usually wearing a suit for work so what do you mean I clean up pretty good?"

Sonny grinned as he took my arm and guided me into the Grille. "It's just that lately I've seen you with carrots in your hair, spit up on your shoulder, and green beans down the front of your sweats. I hardly recognize you when you're not wearing food."

I swatted him lightly. "Some romantic date this is going to be."

"Date? This is a date? If you had told me this was a date I would have bought you a corsage or something. I just thought we were meeting for dinner. Wait a minute. You asked me. Does that mean you're paying?"

The man was insufferable but cute. "Yes I'm paying, and yes this is a date."

He whistled lowly as we waited on our table. "A date. Wow. We've never dated. This could be all right." Sonny started nodding his head. "Yeah. We should date for a while and do those get to know you things. I like that idea."

For me being nervous as all get out, the evening went perfectly and without a hitch as Sonny and I talked about date stuff and crazy as it may seem, got to know each other better. Both of us had completely hidden childhoods - I had been given a glimpse of his thanks to Mike, but still, to hear things from the perspective of a little boy, well, to quote that well know commercial...priceless. In turn I told Sonny more about my life with my mother than I had ever told anyone before. It was an entirely comfortable evening and ended all too soon, but I had court in the morning, Cameron had an early patient, and Zander had a test. Reluctantly, I stood next to my car in the parking lot as Sonny shoved his hands in his pockets and sheepishly announced that he wanted to do this again. He enjoyed just sitting and talking with me, he enjoyed my company, and he enjoyed being with me, and wanted to go out on another date. I felt 15 when he asked if he could kiss me good night and I stood there motionless as he placed the gentlest of kisses on my lips, asked if he could see me on Friday night, then said goodnight.

This dating stuff was OK.

We saw each other as usual during the next few days, but when Friday morning rolled around and Sonny came by to fix breakfast, there was a decided twinkle in his eye as he cut up the eggs on KD's plate. I had just started to enter the kitchen but quickly darted out of sight so that I could eavesdrop. "Princess, Daddy's not going to be here for dinner tonight but Grandpa's coming over to play with you, is that OK? Daddy's got a date with a beautiful lady I think you'd like. She's smarty and funny, and just between you and me, I think the three of us would make the best family ever." How much KD actually understood, I have no idea, - she was only ten months old, but every time her father spoke with her, she listened intently and seemed to hang on every word. The man had a way of mesmerizing the ladies, no matter what age.

I backed off into the living room a bit then coughed as I walked into the kitchen, warning him of my arrival. We ate breakfast as we chattered about our various plans for the day, of course including KD in our conversation. She was starting to babble quite a bit, but hasn't said anything distinguishable yet, unless you believe it when Sonny announced that she said "Daddy make it al dente, not mushy," a fact I highly doubt.

He was running late for a meeting at the warehouse so I assured him I was capable of getting the dishes into the dishwasher. Expressing extreme doubt, he nevertheless smooched KD on the head, told her he loved her, and then left without so much as a toodle-loo to me. I was standing there staring at the back of the door when it opened and the infamous dimples appeared.

"Almost forgot. Mike's watching KD tonight. It's all set up. Date number two, I'm taking you out for burgers and a movie. See ya at 7:30."

Date number two. A second date. We were going out on a second date. I mentally slapped down my giddiness. Why was I getting so - so - happy over a date with a man with whom I had conceived a child? I pondered the thought while getting KD ready to go and rambled aloud all the way to Shrinkem and Suem. Damn! Sonny had me so perplexed I was calling the firm by the name Cameron did. KD and I arrived at work, I unbuckled her from her car seat and carried her in. Cameron's door was open so I marched myself right in and put KD on the floor.

"Cameron it's not working, I mean it is working, but it's not because I feel like an out of control 15 year old not a mature woman of my age."

"Which would be...?" grinned Cameron.

I stuck out my tongue. "Twenty seven. Honestly, Cameron, I have butterflies, all I do is think of him and the other morning in court, I found myself drawing hearts with our initials on my legal pad."

Cameron let loose with a belly laugh as he got up and poured us each some coffee.

"And this is bad how?"

"Cam, I'm acting like a kid with a schoolgirl crush. It's ridiculous. Is asinine. It's...it's...it's downright embarrassing!"

"Welcome to the human race, Alexis. We all feel that way when it comes to dating - the more your date means to you, the more you feel it. Does he/she like me as much as I like him/her? Will I make a fool of myself? Will we kiss? Will we go out again? We all do it, we all feel it, and we all act on it. It's normal. It's as American as apple p...oh my God Alexis! Look at KD. She's standing!

Her stand lasted all of about 1.2 seconds, just the amount of time it took me to press the button on my cell phone and say "Sonny's cell." In one ring he answered "Alexis."

"Sonny, KD stood alone. No help. All by herself."

"You at the office?"

"Mmm hmm." I was concentrating on my daughter instead of what he was saying.

"I'm on my way."

Fifteen minutes later, three grown adults were sitting on the floor with a very perplexed baby in their midst. We'd stand her up only to have her plop right down on her bottom. Cameron nodded his head towards her the last time she plopped.

"Ever wonder why they come with unfinished plumbing? That's why. They need the extra padding those first few months until they have steady legs. When Alex and Peter first started this they bounced back and forth like they had some sort of trampoline in their rumps. It's the best time..."

Sonny looked at Cameron as KD crawled over to her Daddy's lap. "Once they start standing, how long before they walk?"

"No telling. That day or a couple of weeks later. It depends on the determination of the child. There is no norm."

Sonny looked up at me with a wistful look. "Would you mind if I brought burgers and a movie over to your place tonight instead of us going out? I don't want to miss her first steps."

How could I refuse, because that's exactly what I had been thinking, so that's how we came to be sitting on my sofa, sipping sodas, eating burgers and watching "When Harry Met Sally." KD of course, had conked out early without standing even once, but Sonny and I had actually continued our date talk from the other night instead of the usual 'all about the baby' conversations we normally had. The movie ended, I sighed, then yawned. Sonny stood up to go when in a sudden burst of smushiness from the movie I blurted it out.

"Sonny I'm afraid. I've killed every relationship I've ever been in because I've been afraid of my own feelings. I played the jealous card in college, the I'm too busy to commit card when I became an attorney, and well, you know what I did to Ned and you. I'm scared Sonny, really scared because I love you more than I've ever loved anyone and I don't want to sabotage what we have."

Sonny looked stunned for a moment before he pulled me into a gentle, all encompassing hug. He rubbed my back in circles as he whispered into my ear. "I won't let you push me away. Ever. Thank you for telling me you're scared." He pulled away slightly and looked deep into my eyes. "And thank you for telling me you love me."

I felt the feeling in his kiss long after he left.

The flowers came the next day. Dozens and dozens of yellow lilies. George the delivery guy just smiled as he came in with the first batch. I sent my wife these the day after she told me she loved me.

Sonny's card was simple and sweet. "Did you really say that? I'm walking on air with the happiness. I love you too."

part 10