The Flower Series
by Sue

April - White Camellias

We got thru the snowstorm without losing electricity, but that snowstorm was when I really began to lose my heart. Sonny spent a total of four days with KD and I; four wonderful, magical days that I knew signified a true beginning for the three of us as a family, but I wasn't about to give in so easily. Honestly, had he not been as tender and reserved as he was during that time, I might have given in to my baser hormonal urges, but ever the gentleman, he was true to his word and let me set the pace. No double entendres, no hidden meanings, not one suggestive look made it to me during the remaining time he was there. Other than the forehead kiss in the kitchen and one on the cheek when he left, we never even touched. When the roads were finally cleared and he went home, I held KD for the longest time, seeing Sonny's smile in his daughter's face, remembering the way he so openly worshiped her. It was easy to see how I let him back into my heart and life so easily, but I need to keep a clear head. My work was cut out for me.

The March snows gradually melted into April's warmth, and the return of the birds, green grass, and spring flowers. Much to KD's delight, her bulky old snowsuit was abandoned for sweaters and the cutest little sneakers you ever saw. Sonny continued to see us every day unless he was out of town, which caused our very vocal daughter to let her displeasure be known - Daddy was the ONLY person from whom she considered breakfast should be received.

A week or so after the big reveal in February, my cell phone rang and the number displayed surprised me, even though it shouldn't have. Mike Corbin, in a move typical of his and Sonny's relationship, called me - not his son - to ask if the rumors were true. The hitch in his voice when I told him yes, he had a granddaughter -- well - what can I say? Within an hour he was at the apartment staring at KD in wonder. He stayed the afternoon, telling me all about Sonny as a baby, and all about Adela. After the first hour or so he noticed the multitudes of flowers in the apartment and started to laugh. "My son?" I nodded yes. Mike looked approvingly. "For once he's getting it right."

He called daily after that and made regular visits - my daughter had the most loving grandpa she could ever want. Once he brought a shoebox with him - pictures of Sonny as a baby and as a child. Oh my, did KD look like her father; I knew the resemblance was there but until I put his baby picture next to her sleeping form in the crib I had no idea how much. Mike gushed over the pictures of Sonny; it was obvious he had adored his little boy. Between the pictures and the stories I had blackmail material for a lifetime. Who knew the big bad crime lord wore short pants until he was 6? What would underworld figures do if they saw the picture of two-year-old sonny in his mother's high heels and father's hat? In diapers no less. And the cooking - it didn't start at the Cerullo's - it started in his mother's kitchen with baked ham and black beans.

Adela was a stunning woman. Not too tall, but perfect skin and dark black hair; in a word she was regal. I tried to get Mike to tell me the story about how they met but he kept putting me off and I could see that he truly regretted his life at that time - not Adela and Sonny, but the drinking and gambling - and had spent the last 30 -35 years punishing himself for it. Those two had to make amends and I was hoping KD would be the catalyst. Mike I knew was willing. Sonny was and always had been the problem. I asked Mike if he would leave the pictures with me for a couple of days so I could take my time looking at them. He agreed, and my plan hatched.

The next day when Sonny came over to cook breakfast, on the refrigerator there was a picture of Adela holding Sonny in front of the church on his christening day. Sonny didn't notice until he went for the eggs. He stopped and stared, mouth agape. Gingerly putting his forefinger on the photo, he touched his mothers face and barely whispered "Mamma." When he turned to look at me I told him Mike had brought some photos over so that I could see KD's grandma and her daddy as a little boy.

"Mike brought this?"

I nodded. He took the photo off the refrigerator and sat down, never breaking his gaze. While he was lost in memories, I took the box off the counter and put it on the table, quietly saying, "There's more."

Sonny, slowly sliding the shoebox to a position in front of him and removing the cover, was greeted by old photos, a father's day card, and other assorted mementos from Mike's long ago life. Mementos that I could see both shocked and pleased Sonny. Ever since his father had left, Sonny had felt that Mike had abandoned his family because he didn't care about them and now suddenly he was looking at proof positive of Mike's love and anguish. I left him alone to go thru the contents.

Busying myself with some paperwork for a client, I lost track of time until I heard KD yowl and I remembered that she was still in the kitchen and had not yet had breakfast. By the time I got out to the kitchen Sonny was soothing her. I stood in the doorway unnoticed as one by one he showed her the pictures.

"See your abuelas? This one Sweetie, is your Great Great Grandma Rosa, Great Grandma Sophia, your Grandma Adela, and the little baby is your daddy. And this one is your Grandpa Mike and your daddy. See this card? I gave that to your Grandpa Mike and your Grandma Adela helped me write my name because I didn't know how to write yet. I put this little plastic cowboy in the card because I wanted to give him a present and we used to play with my cowboy and Indians a lot."

My eyes misted over as Sonny continued talking to his daughter in Spanish. I swiped at the tears with my fingers and knocked on the doorframe. "Is this a private party or can anyone join in?"

Sonny looked up at me as he bounced KD on his knee. "He cared about us. He kept all of this..." He choked up and couldn't go on. I went over and crouched at the table, pretending to play with KD, but really to be in close contact with a man who looked like he needed a gentle touch.

"He did, Sonny. He does. He loved you and your mother so much, but he also knew how much he was hurting the two of you. He couldn't control his addictions, even for the love of his wife and child, so he left to spare you even further pain. He thought he was protecting the two of you. Sonny, the guilt he's carried around for all these years...it's just phenomenal. He hit bottom so many times, and each time it proved that what he did was the right thing. When he heard Adela remarried, he thought the two of you were in good hands and went away for good. The pain he felt in leaving you wasn't even close to the agony he felt when he found out what happened to your mother and the choices you had been driven to make. He doesn't want forgiveness, Sonny. He said he doesn't deserve to be forgiven, but he wants to be part of KD's life, and he'd like to be part of yours also. He never stopped loving you, Sonny. He just wanted better for you than what he was able to give."

I took KD and stood up. Sonny fingered the items in the shoebox for a long moment, and then stood up. "I need to be alone. Can I take these?"

I nodded my assent and in a moment he was gone, leaving KD and I alone and a little sad. I hadn't said many prayers in my life, but I said one then.

That all happened a month before the snowstorm, and that's when I began to see a change in Sonny. I think he finally connected what Mike did to fatherhood; not the best of fathering jobs, mind you, but I think he began to see the sacrifices Mike made for the love of his family. Slowly, Sonny started making overtures to Mike -- inviting him for dinner, calling to let him know KD rolled over - nothing big, but definitely he was trying. They argued and quarreled, but this time with Sonny knowing that his father had truly loved him. It wasn't easy and no miracle cure happened for their relationship, but it steadily began to improve, step-by-step, day-by-day. When we were stuck in the apartment during the snowstorm he called Mike several times a day to brag about things KD was doing, and Mike told me on the sly that once Sonny even called him Dad.

Sonny meanwhile threw himself into fatherhood to the point of bugging the pediatrician even more than I had bugged the obstetrician. When the doctor told us that KD could start on solids at anytime, Daddy went into overdrive. No commercially prepared baby food for his daughter. No sir. He purchased three mini food processors -- one for vegetables, one for fruits, and one for meats. The doctor said to start her on veggies because if she tasted fruit first, she'd never moved on to veggies, so Sonny planned a big to-do in honor of the occasion. Fortunately it was his to-do and not mine, so I let him plan and prepare, knowing full well that he'd go overboard and there was nothing I could do or say to stop it. He was a Daddy and he was proud.

The morning of the big event (KD's five month birthday) Mike came over to play with her as had been his habit -- every Saturday morning at 10, Grandpa Mike came bearing funny noises, belly blowings, and stories about her daddy as a little boy. That day, no sooner had the door closed when someone was knocking on it. He grinned as he took KD from my arms and told me I better get it - it was for me. I shot him a glance and opened the door to my friendly neighborhood florist. I heaved a large sigh, smiled, stepped aside, and let him and his co-workers in with vase after vase of beautiful hydrangeas of every size and color imaginable. This time as George (we were now on a first name basis) left, he handed me an envelope, which I opened without even closing the door.

A simple note; You must think I'm crazy to be making so much of our daughter's first taste of adult food, but you've been quiet and let me make a fool of myself. If you haven't guessed, hydrangeas mean 'thank you for understanding.'

I didn't know whether to be insulted or hurt. I expected romance and got his sincere thanks? Mike must have seen me starting to seethe because he handed KD back to me and started getting the vases moved to better locations, as he talked non-stop. "Now, Alexis. I know you're probably disappointed it seems so impersonal, but remember Michael has the best of intentions. He really thought you were taking this feeding insanity very well, and wanted to let you know how much he appreciated your letting him go overboard in loving his daughter."

I was furious and disappointed, so I shot Mike a glance that shut him up. "The content of any note Sonny gives me is of no personal interest to me. We share a daughter. End of story. There is nothing else going on between us, and that suits us both just fine."

Mike smiled as he went to the front door. "Keep telling yourself that Alexis, Maybe one day you'll convince yourself - just not while my son has anything to say about it. I think I'll get out of your hair go on over there and see if he needs any help setting up. See you two later."

Eventually I calmed down, but was determined to be (if you'll pardon the expression) Ms Ice Princess at Sonny's that afternoon. My determination lasted for all of five minutes before we got caught into the old comfortable soft shoe dance and banter that made me grow to love him in the first place. Yes, I said love him. I was finally admitting it to myself - in secret of course - but he could tell. I just ignored it and ignored him not ignoring it. Mike simply sat on the couch and laughed at us.

Oh, yeah - KD's first real meal? Pureed squash. I cringed and made a face, which I'm sure, was reminiscent of a three-year-old facing Brussels sprouts for the first time, so Sonny shoved a spoonful into my mouth. They were delicious. KD thought so too because she looked surprised at the spoon going into her mouth then yelled for another bite; and another, and another, and another. Sonny meanwhile was fully in his element - pleasing the palate of a beautiful female. We got quite a few pictures for KD's baby book, including one at the moment she decided she was full and used her new bubble blowing technique to spit the squash out onto her father. Unfortunately, that brought out the child in Sonny and he decided to teach his daughter how to smash her hand into a pile of goo on the high chair tray, sending flecks of squash everywhere, which delighted my baby to no end. The evening ended on an up note when he chastely kidded me good night when I left -- chastely, but with meaning, chastely, but with feeling.

Four days later I was feeding KD more squash for lunch (making sure I kept the bowl off the tray) when a knock came at the door. It was a Wednesday and I wasn't expecting Mike, or Sonny, so I looked thru the peephole. It was George. Puzzled, I opened the door and came face to face with the most stunning bunch of white camellias I have ever seen. He put them on the coffee table and closed the door behind him as he left. I pulled out the card.

Alexis, Today is the anniversary of the day that changed my life. The anniversary of the day that has given me hope, joy, and a sense of wonder I never knew before. One year ago today you and I, amid emotions we have yet to fathom the depths of, conceived a new life. Our daughter. Our beautiful, precious, miraculous daughter. As I play with her, look into her eyes, goad her into showing those marvelous dimples and that incredible toothless grin, I think of many things but two words come to mind. They're the same words that come to mind when I think of you, and of all the happiness and fun you're brought back into my life. I fell for you a long time ago Alexis, but every day I find myself falling all over again, deeper and deeper. I won't say the words because I know neither one of us are completely ready yet, but I want you to know that like the meaning of white camellias, like our daughter - you're adorable.

Damn that man!

Damn my heart!

part 05